12/18/22 - Ace of Hearts - Everlasting Sunset sub 14, 3644 words (VL)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone!

 

I'm curious if the pacing picks up here with A and co. going to the area where they'll be spending most of part 2, or if it's still not quite coming together. Additionally, this is where the gender politics start to become more direct, so it would be good to know if there are any hangups with that side of things.

 

Thanks as always!

[Mandamon he/him]

I think the gender politics here will be a lot more impactful if we had any idea that was going on before. I don't think we ever knew that ministers were only women. That brings A and her clone into relief a lot more, as well as the whole transition from soldier to minister. Right now we see the soldiers being shocked, but I only figured out why a few pages later. If that's going to be a big section of this part, it needs to be vey clear going into it, so the reader has the payoff from the twist.

 

Notes while reading:

pg 1: Some long sentences in the first few paragraphs

pg 1: "a good couple of hours in a straight line"
--so these islands are like 4 or 5 miles apart?

pg 3: "So it’s really true that soldiers on I can..."
--can what? I'm not getting the change here. We saw male soldiers on the other island.

pg 4: "why the label of soldier didn’t fit him"
--still not sure on this myself. Because he's older?

pg 4: "middle-aged minister, but a man"
--wait, are all ministers female? Did we know that?

pg 4: "like how minsters have mothers"
--ok, starting to see what's going on here, but I don't think this was ever laid out in the first part. I think this needs to be a point the reader knows already, so that it's a surprise. Right now, we're being told completely new information.

pg 6: "wonder if that really was the right way to build a society"
--yeah, this all would have a lot more impact if we were shown previously what the society on the other island is like. I don't think we ever got much wordbuilding, so this revelation for the characters falls flat for the reader.

pg 11: good action with the fight, but I'm more interested in why the soldiers leave civilians out there and why this society is different.

pg 13: "I’m in charge like the queen"
--so are these people aware of the other islands? And they know A's crew is from the other island?

pg 14: I think it needs to be clearer whether these people know what's going on with the islands and how they perceive the newcomers.
 

[Silk she/her]

Right off I was confused about the geography in this scene. It starts with them already in the under-ocean tunnels but then they take a lift down. Also, A seems to be paying attention to the soldiers which makes it especially weird that L came out of nowhere. I think taking some time to actually describe the scene here would be good (and maybe a good place for some sense-of-wonder stuff, given the scenario?) and could also be a chance to sneak in a reminder of who is actually going on the trip.

“We all have that right.” Interesting character moment here.

P2 “The trek was… a good couple hours” again I wonder about the geography. A couple hours by foot is not necessarily a huge distance!

P4 Given the revelations they’re being confronted with, I’m surprised the soldiers were allowed, let alone encouraged, on this mission. This seems like a good way to start a rebellion. If that’s what the queen (or whoever) is actually aiming for here, maybe hang a lantern on it?

The “tell them about sex” bit feels like, well, a bit, but if it’s supposed to be funny it’s landing oddly for me.

P6 “Men get away with being unpleasant…” This seems like an awfully soft touch when it comes to describing systemic sexism, especially given B’s later comments about how living in Jac seems so much better. There is the discussion of abuse just below, but I wonder if this could be rejigged to make the consequences of this kind of system a little more, well, consequential. Things like wage gaps, career glass ceilings, body image issues, or whatever is appropriate to the setting. Might be a good opportunity to establish some world-building too.

P7 “some… soldiers on top of the wall” Unsure if we’re referring to soldiers as a gender, a profession, or both

Also, I was expecting the look down from the wall to confirm whether or not the fears of a civilian on the beach are justified, since it seemed to be a “what if” at first. Is it common for people to be on the beach?

Also, I didn’t realize until the soldiers were referenced just down the page that A still had them with her.

P11 “what was that about being fine?” Stumbled here. This might be a response to some earlier dialogue, but if so it’s been long enough that whatever line X is responding to here has vanished from my mind.

Hmm... did we know A was going to need to talk to the mayor? A little more setup of this encounter before it happens might be helpful, I think. Especially since it's apparently not normal for civilians to be on the beach, but the one person on the beach this time was the mayor's son - right now it feels a little too coincidental.

Overall: I do think this pacing has improved here compared to last chapter--it feels like we're now moving toward the next goal as opposed to the last chapter, which feels almost preparatory for this one--but the actual goals are still a bit nebulous. What are the aims of A's investigation, and how specifically does she think she might accomplish those goals (even if she ends up being wrong about how she actually achieves what she needs to. Or fails to do so!) I think I want to see A acting, not just reacting (as she does with the monster attack) and that will help feel like we're moving quicker.

I'm certainly interested in what happens here! It seems to me A and her crew are being exposed to some ideas and revelations that could have a big impact on the dynamic of the crew and I'm looking forward to seeing how that plays out.

[Robinski he/him]

Hey there

In summary, I enjoyed the action, but found a lot of it confusing and a bit underwhelming because of the lack of description, and how easily the creatures were defeated (lack of peril). The bit around A’s fight with the wolves was good, and I felt a little peril there, but it was over quickly. Also, I forgot why they have come to the island, and I think a callback to that would be useful, to give context on the relationship between the squad and the locals.

Detail

I’m pleased to encounter some action in this sub, and it is exciting, but I don’t feel as much peril as I would like. I never felt like A’s and her soldiers were in any danger. In large part I think this is because there is little description of the attacking monsters, how many they are, what they are attacking. It would be good to feel that they were some kind of threat, perhaps by getting some description of them destroying something on the beach, or even killing, or at least chasing some locals.

I find the combat a bit tactically simplistic. Soldiers running around on the beach while troops fire from the wall over (relatively) large distances is a recipe for the foot soldiers being cut down by friendly fire. Also, I feel I’m lacking blocking on both the island and (as above) the attackers, but it’s hard to understand how the fight is working. Then, A charges into the wolves while the soldiers on the wall are shooting them. Those soldiers have no way to know she’s going to charge, so the chances of her being shot be they are really high.

I also don’t understand the scale of the place, and the (lack of) description doesn’t help me. It’s said that A is quarter of the way around the island, but the soldier can still hit her target from the wall? What about hills, trees, other obstacles? The distances don’t add up. If that island is so small she can cover quarter of it that quickly, it can’t possibly produce enough food to feed its population.

The swear from A during the combat is way out of character based on what I’ve read, and seems really off tone for the story (the bit I’ve read).

I continue to struggle with feeling any peril, because the monsters are defeated so easily, and the lack of description of them undermines peril too. Without peril it’s hard to invest in the character stakes. Referring to a horde of monsters isn’t enough to convey their numbers or the danger they represent. The wolf fight was pretty good, but I need to feel the same thing for the fight as a whole. And as I think I mentioned on the last sub, the lack of description of sounds, sensations, 

“A tossed a boomerang up to one of the guards” – but she is quarter of the way around the island?! And there’s no indication that she moved because she’s still with the boy. I just can’t put the blocking of events together in my head.

(Further details in emails file.)