12/4/23 - Ace of Hearts - Everlasting Sunset sub 12, 5019 words (VGL)

[Appol PhD they/he]

G for discussions involving explicit gore, but none appears on screen. Additional content warning for war-related trauma.

 

Hi everyone! 

 

I'm back after Nanowrimo with another sub for Everlasting Sunset. Mainly I'm interested in whether the interlude feels justified (I already cut an interlude with Mag but I liked this one better so it's included in the sub), and how to organize the threads at the start of part 2 in a way that feels cohesive (I'm worried that it feels a bit choppy atm).

 

Thanks as always!

[Mandamon he/him]

Welcome back! It's been quiet.

I'm sort of torn on the interlude. It doesn't seem to have anything to do with anything else we've seen so far, so I'm not sure what it's doing except introducing a rather unsavory character. I'm sure it will tie into something later, but I'd like a few more connections with something else we've seen so far.

I don't have a whole lot of comments on this intro to the second part. I think part is that it's been almost a month since I last read submission of this, so I'm forgetting the characters, but it seemed like, with the introduction of three more characters, it was getting to be too many, especially since I don't think I really knew the team members well enough before now. 

I'll have to see what happens with the next sections. I'm interested in A trying to keep her whole team alive, so that's a good reason to keep reading. There's a lot of hijinks going on with the people in control. Maybe we're going to learn more about that next time?

 

Notes while reading:
Pg 2: I was thinking the Doomspeaker was A. at first, but I guess this is someone else.

pg 5: well, he's awful. Truthful, but awful.

Pg 10: not too much to comment on through here. Everything's getting set up for the next part.

Pg 14: Ah. The cloning thing is clearer now. I think I was just assuming that's what they were doing from the beginning.

pg 16: Does Am. have a connection to T? Sounds like he knows him. Or is he just being a decent person?

pg 18: Partially it's being on a break for a month. but I think it's getting to the point where there are too many characters active to keep track of.

[Silk she/her]

Welcome back!

"...he would be one of the first to end up strapped to the tables" ... because he's a soldier? Presumably there are other, functioning labs?

"...let a little of that rage out" is G enraged? Maybe hang a lantern on her containing her anger to make the next bit make a bit more sense.

p2 "Don't remind me of what that person is." My impression--assuming that we're referring to A remembering her former life as a soldier--is that this is more common than A, at least, thinks it is, possibly even the norm, so with that lens G's reaction here stands out.

"...an obligation to keep him alive." I thought we were talking about A here, but maybe not?

Also, I'm working on a theory where gendered pronouns are connected to social position rather than assigned by appearance/self-identity/etc.

p3 "...but it wasn't going to be letting him ramble today." Stumbled here. Maybe just "but it wasn't going to be today"?

p4 "Yeah, you can go." Curious as to what the relationship between the two of them is. Is he basically a normal soldier who gets more leeway because he knows he's needed? Could possibly signpost a bit with reaction shots to lines like this.

p5 I...hm. I'm not sure I feel like he actually answered the question.

"Which left A with issues that she couldn't solve with brute force." What's her actual objective here now that she's won the battle against the deserters? I think "there should have been hell to pay, and there wasn't" can be a fine way to raise tension, but I think I need to see A doing something more concrete than "wait until I get yelled at by my boss" while we, uh, wait for her to get yelled at by her boss.

Also, we're adding several new characters all at once, and it feels like a lot. Obviously, after the events of the last chapter they're all there, but can we maybe have one take primary focus so it doesn't feel like we're juggling a bunch of new people all at once on top of what was already a fairly large cast?

p6 "This sounded like the 'flirting' thing..." I get the sentiment here, just the way it's phrased makes A seem exceptionally naive.

Also, I still have no idea what B's deal is, but I assume that's the point.

p8 "...that A could be in danger." From whom? Because A used her soldier abilities? Didn't everyone already know that?

"That garbled voice" - A has been so unconcerned about this that I'd almost forgotten about it.

p10 "The only reason Am was an exception was... because he was a clone" I mean, I'm assuming at this point that Am is not at all exceptional in this regard, but A doesn't seem to consider that possibility.

"It was going to be a busy evening for her."  I'm not totally sure I understand how the exchange between A and Am was resolved.

p13 "And who can prove that?" Prove it to whom?I thought this was mostly about the emotional weight of working with people who were a. trying to kill you and b. acted like jerks about it afterward.

p17 "looking at their stoic expressions, she realized that they did." Good insight here.

"If I can't find some way to keep you safe from the ministry..." Hmm, not sure how I feel about this. It's good to have a concrete objective again, but this feels like a rinse-and-repeat in terms of the actual plot beats. I want to see the stakes change and start seeing connections to the larger story. (which it seems like we're going to get in the next chapter, so that's good at least!)

On 12/4/2023 at 11:01 AM, Mandamon said:

I'm sort of torn on the interlude. It doesn't seem to have anything to do with anything else we've seen so far, so I'm not sure what it's doing except introducing a rather unsavory character. I'm sure it will tie into something later, but I'd like a few more connections with something else we've seen so far.

I mostly agree with this. It does give A's passion about improving the treatment of the soldiers a little more urgency, since this is the most concrete evidence we've seen of that mistreatment and on the worst scale (though we have been getting a few hints so far). But I heartily second wanting more connection points between this and the primary narrative. I'd also second the comment that it's starting to feel like too many characters to keep track of, especially since several of the new ones aren't people I actually want to spend any time with.

But I think my biggest overall comment, especially with this being the introduction to part II, is wanting that change in stakes. I really wanted a sense of "now what" moving forward into this next part of the story.