03-27-2023- Reading Excuses- Cathy Lim- The Traveler's Magic- sub 7, Chapters 10 & 11- 5,010 words

[Cathy Lim]

Hello Everyone,

 

I hope these chapters pull a few things together for you. There are a lot of references to book one in these chapters so if you’re thinking you missed something, you didn’t. I am currently thinking of moving the beginning of chapter 11 to the end of book one. It makes more sense there because the dream of the book is at the beginning of book one. I will also change how it is discovered. I know it’s too passive for it to be someone other than my main character.

 

As always a reminder that this is an exceedingly rough draft that’s most likely going to end up completely rewritten. My biggest interest is to know what you like and what I should keep. Any suggestions on how to make what’s not working work are welcome. I’m sorry it’s not better than it is.

 

Thanks!

 

[Ace of Hearts]

No need to apologize for quality! The point of critiques is for it to be helpful to you.

Overall: The first chapter both engaged me and left me feeling a bit frustrated at points, but I think that shows more potential than if I felt nothing at all. I think focusing on R’s emotions here is good, that we could get closer to the root of her insecurities, and that Z could use an emotional arc here as well. We get glimpses of how he’s feeling but he mostly takes a back seat to try and comfort R, when having him process his own feelings (maybe with R’s help) could both make his character more interesting here and give R more of a chance to work through her issues on her own.

The second chapter has some good plot motion, but R is also pretty passive in this one. I think the events here should stay but I’d like for it to feel like R is making things happen rather than stumbling upon information or having things happen to her.

As I go:

Pg 1-2. I think Z’s and R’s emotions could be pushed here a bit more. It seems like Z is a bit bitter about R assuming that he’ll just protect her in every situation and I think it could be a good emotional conflict between the two if played up.

Pg 3. Okay so now the emotions are flaring up like I wanted but the fact that R is resorting to real violence while Z is mostly calm makes her look like a jerk.

-Also, R’s comment at the fire magic makes me think she feels bad about not being able to protect herself, which could be explored more.

Pg 4-5. I think this small talk could be summarized in narration

Pg 6. How does the mom know this?

Pg 8-9. I think it’s fair for R to mope a bit but it feels like this puts a huge weight on Z. And since she seems like the primary protagonist here I do think she needs to be more active as a character rather than having Z clean up all this emotional stuff for her.

Pg 10-12. Compared to the last chapter it doesn’t seem like this one has an emotional hook

Pg 11. So what are these tests based on if not reading/writing? Object-based logic?

Pg 13-15. It’s good to have progress in R’s past but it feels like her finding the book lacks narrative control. Basically, I think it would be better if it felt like she earned it rather than stumbling onto it.

Pg 17. Not sure what Re adds by being here. Is this the first time he’s showing up in the book?

Pg 18. This has come up in other chapters but while it’s good to learn that the infestation is a result of magical protection weakening I think we need to know some broader implications of that. Will this make it easier for interlopers to track down R in the library?

[Cathy Lim]

13 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

but R is also pretty passive in this one.

Yes, this is everyone's biggest complaint about my writing. It's a problem I'm stressing over quite a bit in my rewrite of book one. I almost don't trust myself to write her correctly.

13 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

Basically, I think it would be better if it felt like she earned it rather than stumbling onto it.

Yes, trying to change it so that she will be more proactive in its discovery.

13 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

Will this make it easier for interlopers to track down R in the library?

Hmmmm- I haven't thought about this before, but I like it!

Thanks for your feedback! I really appreciate it! 

[K. Preston]

It has been a few since the last time I was here, and I see I have missed so much. I understand your feelings about a rough draft, and stressing over characters and how they come across. I say that because I honestly like your character interactions. R, Z, Y, and Re feel very real. In this chapter only R's mom seems a little flat. Her concern sounds fake and not very understanding. Or at least that is my opinion. I am horrible at reading and writing comments so I am still rereading for another time as I write this.

Pg 2. "Her face was hot enough to melt snow." I love the imagery here, but simultaneously feel this adds something to the scene unintentionally. The paragraph seems to be painting a picture of a cold autumn with dry leaves and chilly winds. If am wrong than this is me just missing something.

Pg 2. Same paragraph as above you mention the 'breeze picked up' twice. 

Pg 3. Okay I definitely feel like I am missing something. Is there significance to Z working with potions? R's notice captures the attention, but it is not revisited in the chapter.

Pg 5. L asking about the mouse and then answering the question himself seems a little off. Why did he ask if he knew?

Pg 6. R's mother taking "gulping" breaths doesn't seem to fit. It gives the impression of someone struggling to breathe such as someone held underwater for too long. "Deep breaths" should work just fine for someone emotionally perturbed. 

Pg 7. R gulping for air seems to make more sense. I can almost envision her holding her breath during her mother's tirade waiting for the threat she knew was coming.

There are a few things in Chapter 11 that I like. When Y and Re ask in unison about the dream R had and she never really answers them. Like real conversations. Same goes for the docent that is to nervous to report the water and roaches. Nice relatable additions.

I always enjoy reading your stuff. Keep up the good work.

K.P.

 

[Silk]

P2 “…placed under house arrest by the parents” – “the parents” is way more modern in tone than these chapters have generally been. Unless you meant “their parents”?

P3 “You can’t lift my face to punch it.” I laughed. But, Z does seem to have crossed a line from concerned disagreement to just kind of being a jerk here.

“Your mother needs to know.” Aren’t they siblings?

“What is this smell?” The paragraph break confused me for a moment, but this is funny. Good way to break up the tension of the moment.

I am having trouble keeping track of who’s who in the diner scene, but I think that’s a product of not having read the first book.

R snapping at her mother is a nice moment. Gives us a good sense of how she is feeling right now. Again, probably partially a product of not having read the first book, but I would like to know if this is normal for their relationship or a product of the stress R is under right now. Since is the first time we’ve encountered these characters in this book, might not hurt to provide a little reminder for returning readers anyway.

P5 I’m still confused/weirded out by the mouse thing. I really do think that if it’s going to be this big a deal, we need to know why.

Edit: This will make the escalation with the roaches—which I like!—more effective too. Or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, you could try downplaying stuff like this at first and have it become a bigger and bigger issue as time goes on.

P6 even given that there are extenuating circumstances, R’s mom comes across as a pretty extreme helicopter parent, maybe even—given R’s line about defying her—kind of abusive.

P7: Yeah, this opinion has been pretty firmly solidified by the end of the scene. During the walk up to the diner, I was expecting a worried-but-mostly-reasonable parent and thinking that R was just trying to tough her situation out because that’s what young adults do, so consider amping up the dread during her approach so we feel more prepared for what w actually get. Alternately, having us not feel prepared is definitely an option if you're deliberate about it, too! 

P8 “Now I find out she has been manipulating everything!” We certainly found out she was watching R very closely, but I didn’t get this sense, necessarily.

P9 Wait, what was the source f the argument between Z and his father? Neither of them is in control of whether or not that particular topic is forbidden.

“There must be sources in the Library.” If it were me, I’d probably be hesitant to offer this based on so little information when Z has made it pretty clear he’s not actually going to offer more information. Other than that, though, this seems like a good way to get K into the library.

P10 Wait, are Ry and Re talking about something that we already know about? This felt like something new, but without an introduction.

Edit: Thinking on it a bit more, I am fairly sure this is WRS, but it has been several chapters since we’ve seen these two working on this, so maybe a quick reminder to ease the transition?

P10/11: Y is showing R around the library, but I thought R was already familiar with the library?

P13 “She had dreamt of this book several times…” Maybe WRS, but I only remember the one dream sequence. I was also initially confused that R reacted the way she did, I think because we as readers hadn’t been given a chance to “see” and recognize the book.

The dialogue after the discovery of the book starts to feel a little repetitive. R tells Y she has a recurring dream twice, and then Y is still surprised when R also tells Re a bit later that she had a dream.

P18 “I never think of the Library as heated.” R seems to find this discomfiting, but I don’t understand why.

Overall: I struggled a little more with this chapter than some of the previous ones, but I think that is partially because this chapter references the first book a lot more, so take everything I’ve said with a grain of salt. That said, I think that, for things that are going to be a big part of the plot, you still need to build them up so they’re a part of this book and not just the last one we read. R finding her adopting records felt a little bit out of nowhere because it’s not something she’s been trying for in this book. You can definitely get away with less setup than if it were an entirely new plot thread, but I think it’s something we still need to see her trying towards – even if she’s just staying up late one night here and shirking her Library duties a little bit there—for it to feel earned. And, this might just be another expression of the same thing, but consider filling out the try/fail cycle for getting the book a little more, as right now this big success feels a little bit like an accident.

I think that’s it. And, you never need to apologize that your draft isn’t better than it is. That’s this group’s whole raison d’etre  

[Ace of Hearts]

19 hours ago, Cathy Lim said:

On 3/30/2023 at 1:06 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

but R is also pretty passive in this one.

Yes, this is everyone's biggest complaint about my writing. It's a problem I'm stressing over quite a bit in my rewrite of book one. I almost don't trust myself to write her correctly.

From my perspective it's not something to be super concerned about long-term since the fixes seem pretty feasible. Imo it's less of an issue with how you're writing her and more of the story needing to have tighter control of its plot. Once we get a better feel for how event A leads to event B leads to event C, it will be easier to show how R is causing that plot progression.

19 hours ago, Cathy Lim said:

On 3/30/2023 at 1:06 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

Will this make it easier for interlopers to track down R in the library?

Hmmmm- I haven't thought about this before, but I like it!

Thanks for your feedback! I really appreciate it! 

Glad you like the suggestion! And I think this illustrates my point above. If the breach endangers R it will force her to do something about it, giving her the opportunity to be more proactive.

[Cathy Lim]

6 hours ago, K. Preston said:

"Her face was hot enough to melt snow." I love the imagery here, but simultaneously feel this adds something to the scene unintentionally. The paragraph seems to be painting a picture of a cold autumn with dry leaves and chilly winds. If am wrong than this is me just missing something.

You are correct- it is late autumn getting into winter. (Also the swirling breeze around R when she's mad is a thing, but she doesn't recognize it yet.)

Thank you- I'm glad you like it. Having to scrap book one and start from scratch has been hard on the confidence. I'm glad I occasionally get it right. :)3

[Cathy Lim]

2 hours ago, Silk said:

“Your mother needs to know.” Aren’t they siblings?

I feel like I need a family tree instead of a fantasy map at the beginning of these books- ha ha! Their parents are dating and are engaged to be married so they are considering themselves as siblings. 

2 hours ago, Silk said:

This will make the escalation with the roaches—which I like!—more effective too. Or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, you could try downplaying stuff like this at first and have it become a bigger and bigger issue as time goes on.

I have decided to swap things around a bit in the rewrite. I'm also planning to add a big section in book one about pest control for the Library. 

2 hours ago, Silk said:

3 “She had dreamt of this book several times…” Maybe WRS, but I only remember the one dream sequence. I was also initially confused that R reacted the way she did, I think because we as readers hadn’t been given a chance to “see” and recognize the book

Yes, I think I'm going to move this whole sequence to book one. It makes more sense because the dream about the book is at the beginning of book one. I was trying hard when I wrote book one not to have a "chosen one" feel, so I pushed a lot off to book two and I think that was a mistake. 

2 hours ago, Silk said:

“I never think of the Library as heated.” R seems to find this discomfiting, but I don’t understand why.

This was me trying to show how the Library is kept at a temperature good for the collections, not the people. I mention it in book one, I was just trying to do a reminder. 

2 hours ago, Silk said:

You can definitely get away with less setup than if it were an entirely new plot thread, but I think it’s something we still need to see her trying towards – even if she’s just staying up late one night here and shirking her Library duties a little bit there—for it to feel earned. And, this might just be another expression of the same thing, but consider filling out the try/fail cycle for getting the book a little more, as right now this big success feels a little bit like an accident.

You are correct, I do need to work on this more. 

Thanks for your help and insight. I really appreciate it! 

2 hours ago, Silk said:

And, you never need to apologize that your draft isn’t better than it is.

I'm just struggling right now wishing I had time to fix it all and make it nicer for you all. Thanks for the support!

[K. Preston]

9 hours ago, Cathy Lim said:

 the swirling breeze around R when she's mad is a thing, but she doesn't recognize it yet.

Oooo. I like it. I look forward to R's reveal. That being said it might be a little too subtle. It works well in the scene as normal weather occurrences.