Cathy Lim Posted March 21 Report Share Posted March 21 Hello Everyone, Sorry, I was hot working on the rewrite of Book One on Saturday so I forgot to look over my chapters for this so I did it last minute tonight and could only do one chapter. I’ve been told this chapter is pointless to the story, and I was trying to describe healing for mental issues and it’s probably insensitive. Looking at the edit notes for Book One it probably is pointless. Anyway, just me trying to get back in the groove here. As always thank you so much! Cathy 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathy Lim Posted March 21 Author Report Share Posted March 21 Sorry everyone. I was in a hurry and I somehow posted this twice. I can't figure out how to delete one. Let me know if there's a way! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace of Hearts Posted March 21 Report Share Posted March 21 Excited to jump into it! Overall: Not a mental health expert but it didn’t feel insensitive to me. Makes sense that messing with the brain isn’t something that can be used for healing (as easily). Though I would agree with the other concern that the chapter doesn’t seem key for the story. Another note is that it seems like the chapter wants to be about the ethics of healing magic and about Z’s dynamics with K, but the two don’t connect as easily as the story wants them to. It doesn’t feel like issues such as healing magic killing and healers’ connection to physicians are explored fairly since they’re wrapped up with K not knowing what it means to be a healer. As I go: Pg 1. This seems to imply a very rigid social hierarchy where some people are important enough for magical healing and other aren’t. If that’s how the world works (instead of healing magic just being prohibitively expensive for poor people), we need to learn about that earlier on Pg 2. I like W’s setup as a big-hearted doctor but I think I need to know more than that he’s smart and kind. Maybe going over Z’s past with him? Pg 3. I don’t get a great read on K here. She feels like a casual acquaintance of Z’s (especially with how he’s not letting her in on sensitive info), so it makes me wonder why she’s important enough to be here Pg 4. It feels a bit unfair towards K’s argument that D deflects towards her motivations for becoming a healer. If the story is asking those questions I don’t think it should refuse to give any more insight on them Pg 6. Z feels a bit preachy here for a casual friend. Also it seems like he and K like each other but I don’t get a good feeling for why. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silk Posted March 21 Report Share Posted March 21 7 hours ago, Cathy Lim said: Sorry everyone. I was in a hurry and I somehow posted this twice. I can't figure out how to delete one. Let me know if there's a way! You should be able to delete your own posts. My ability to delete posts is in a dropdown under "moderation actions" in the bottom right corner, but not sure if that looks different for other folks. Anyway, I deleted one for you Should get to the crit itself in the next couple of days! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silk Posted March 21 Report Share Posted March 21 As I read: I thought Z’s lessons were done? Is he doing an apprenticeship now? “menial tasks/menial people” – very revealing about the way these people think about people who don’t have money. P2 LOL at “new cologne.” “Where were you last night anyway?” Didn’t they just meet like a day or so ago for the first time? This seems overly familiar. Unless they’re also roommates or something and I missed it? P3 “Maybe you could introduce me to your sister” this guy is not subtle, is he. If I were Z, I’d be raising my eyebrows about now – again, it just seems kind of overly familiar for what I understand their relationship to be right now, even if there is some mutual attraction. I remain confused about whether Z is supposed to be done his lessons or not. Hmm. The discussion of mental healing didn’t really leap out at me as insensitive, but since you’re looking for it, the one piece that caught my attention a little was “only fixable by the patient themselves”, which does maybe get a little closer to the “can’t you just be happier?” kinds of discussions that sometimes happen around mental health. I’ve also been chewing on the “sometimes there isn’t a physical cause, sometimes it’s emotional or magical trauma” because trauma can of course cause physical changes, so that didn’t 100% ring true and it seems like you’re going for a nuanced take. That’s a lot of detail, though, so while it might be interesting to explore, I don’t know that it’s something you’d want to get into here. If nothing else, the more time you spend on it, the more readers are likely to expect that this specific thing is going to come up! So.. are Z and K roommates and I missed it? Because otherwise I would be extremely weirded out by the way this guy keeps turning up. Honestly, when the locations where he keeps turning up include the bathtub I’d probably be weirded out no matter what. Overall: I didn’t think the chapter was pointless – it actually seemed to me to be one of the more focused chapters with that focus being on the relationship that is developing between Z and K. I do wonder if you maybe need to give K some more natural openings to try and accomplish his goals, because right now he is not coming across as especially subtle. That being said… I’m currently reading this as a slow-burn romance with an unforeseen betrayal at the end, so if K is supposed to be bad at being subtle then you might be fine just hanging a lantern on it somehow. My biggest stumbling block was confusion about where Z is at with various points of his life. He had last lessons with the ancestors and got some fancy new tattoos to show for it last chapter, but here he is doing more lessons. And, I could be totally misremembering but I thought he’d met K for the first time last chapter, whereas now they seem very familiar with each other. 6 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said: Another note is that it seems like the chapter wants to be about the ethics of healing magic and about Z’s dynamics with K, but the two don’t connect as easily as the story wants them to. I didn't stumble on this as I was reading, but I think this is a fair comment. One solution might just be to show how K's comments affect Z's perception of, or relationship, with him? Since that's what the chapter seems to be primarily about. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathy Lim Posted March 22 Author Report Share Posted March 22 12 hours ago, Silk said: Anyway, I deleted one for you Excellent! Thank you! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yuliya Posted March 25 Report Share Posted March 25 Hello! I honestly don’t have much to say beyond what was mentioned above, but here are a few thoughts: - The romance between Z and K felt like it was running on 10x speed. Walking on Z in a bathtub? Weren’t there locks on doors there? Was K even sure it was Z who was inside? Did K watch Z go in, wait until he was almost done and then walk in? The situation felt off to me. - So… is Z and Th a thing? A comment about Z having a place to stay overnight in town makes me wonder that. But then he is overly friendly with K too, so perhaps not? - I think there may be too many red flags for K. Every question he asks is suspicious. Where had Z been last night? Why can’t we kill with magic? Can’t he meet Z’s sister who conveniently works in the library? What was your misadventure last night? I found him too obvious for a good villain. - I liked the last discussion between Z and K about directing magic towards good things. - The explanation between Healers and physicians was nice. - The mental illness discussion did not strike me as insensitive either, but I though Silk has a point about the "why can't you just be happier" logic. Thanks for the sub! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathy Lim Posted March 25 Author Report Share Posted March 25 5 hours ago, Yuliya said: So… is Z and Th a thing? A comment about Z having a place to stay overnight in town makes me wonder that. But then he is overly friendly with K too, so perhaps not? In an earlier draft I implied that but back away from it. I suppose this is a left over from that draft. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathy Lim Posted March 25 Author Report Share Posted March 25 5 hours ago, Yuliya said: - I think there may be too many red flags for K. Every question he asks is suspicious. Where had Z been last night? Why can’t we kill with magic? Can’t he meet Z’s sister who conveniently works in the library? What was your misadventure last night? I found him too obvious for a good villain. Yes, I was going for red flags, but I guess I'm being a bit too heavy handed with it. My thought in writing this was that Z sees it, but K's cute so he doesn't really care. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathy Lim Posted March 25 Author Report Share Posted March 25 Thanks for the feedback! I guess this chapter wasn't as bad as I thought it was. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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