Reading Excuses - 12/19/22 - JWerner - The Witch and the Ostrich, ch. 3 v.2 - 4625 words, S, L

[JWerner]

 

Hello,

 

Here's the revised chapter 3, with a new scene that builds off my major plot addition to ch. 1 (ch. 2 otherwise didn't change much). 

 

I made some other plot edits to the rest of the novella accordingly, but again, no major rewrites. I'd like to make some revisions to the side characters (B and J in particular) to amend the issue of the samey-ness of character personalities, and then I think that'll be it for this draft.

 

Quick plot recap: 

 

Q and F headed to the town of QW, so Q could write a review of the town's colosseum, and/or investigate the apparent disappearance of a city politician. They hit a bit of a snag at the town's front gate, but were let in and went off to look for lodgings.

[Mandamon he/him]

I think this definitely helps the flow of the story. The transformation stone now has a good use, and we get some hints of what's going on with the prisoners and why Q is there in the first place. I liked the section with B, and it was pretty convincing that Q couldn't do anything to break him out. Q also seems to have more purpose in this one, rather than wandering around for the first few chapters last time.

Overall, a nice improvement! I think this will tie in with the end of the story much better.

[ginger_reckoning]

Overall, once again I pretty much have the same thoughts as Mandamon. Good work!

Pg 4

“she was time to get the ball rolling” it was time

Pg 5

“vile gunk would out from” I think you can remove the word “would”

Pg 6

I didn’t bring this up last time because I assumed it was a joke/Q’s ignorance, and it probably still is, but alligators and piranhas will not live in a place where it snows. Again, not a huge deal, and it doesn’t really have any relevance to the plot, but it was just something I noticed.

Ah, right, it makes a little more sense for her to use the transformation since she is trying to find a political prisoner this time around.

Oh, and she saves the rest of the power for later. Interesting.

Pg 7

Ha, the breadknife made me laugh out loud

Pg 8

“impressively muscular, hairy man” You mentioned just a few sentences ago that he was muscular so this seems a bit repetitive

Pg 15

The addition of the new plotline makes this ending a lot better imo, since we have a through-line other than F being captured.

[JWerner]

On 12/22/2022 at 10:33 AM, ginger_reckoning said:

I didn’t bring this up last time because I assumed it was a joke/Q’s ignorance, and it probably still is, but alligators and piranhas will not live in a place where it snows. Again, not a huge deal, and it doesn’t really have any relevance to the plot, but it was just something I noticed.

I didn't mention snow, though. Are you saying in general? 

[ginger_reckoning]

19 hours ago, JWerner said:

I didn't mention snow, though. Are you saying in general? 

In general (though I could've sworn there was snow...must've been my imagination). Like I said, it's nitpicky of me since it's fantasy but IRL piranhas only live in the amazon basin in south america, and alligators are cold-blooded, so both of them would freeze to death in cold water