Watch me try (and fail) to write the first chapter of a fantasy story

[EmTheElsecaller]

This is my first post on this board so please bear with me  

So a while back, I had this idea for a fantasy book. It’s currently very Mistborn era 1-inspired. For some context, there are two main characters who start off with different storylines then meet up. One is the boy in the dream and the other is Kaya  who is a peasant (I named the poor people the kalil) who has a similar mindset to Kaladin in his slave days. I’m trying to copy Brandon’s style of having a huge war or something that threatens the whole world, whilst also having smaller subplots of personal growth - in this case, understanding that it’s ok to let someone love her. 

It’s a fairly short chapter by actual novel standards, but it’s what I’ve come up with so far.

If people like this, I could post more chapters as I write this?

(I put it in spoiler tags for length)

Spoiler

1. Kaya

Kaya blinked bleary eyes. Where was she, again? The crew moved hideouts so often it was difficult to keep track, especially in the disorientating moment when one awakened after a particularly pleasant dream.

Those were rare enough these days.

She struggled to remember what it had been about -  something to do with her and another boy around four years Kaya’s senior, playing together as small children. Although, now she thought about it, the memory was sharp and clear in her head. She’d never had a dream that vivid before.

It was strange, but when you’d been in a crew like this as long as Kaya, you stopped caring about what was strange. You just accepted them and let the kalol handle it.

She shook her head to rid herself of the sleepy haze, sitting upright in the dank corner she had chosen as her bed that night.

“Up! Get up! Now!”

She sighed. This was the new sergeant major of a crewleader that Paks had had the genius idea of recruiting. Upon his appointment, Captain Metil had killed him, of course - couldn’t have anyone too smart in this business who might try to overthrow you. 

Paks had been the closest thing she had to a friend in this harsh, unforgiving wilderness that was thieving crews. 

She didn’t care that he’d died, obviously. Everyone always died. No point in getting sad about it, else you’d be sad all the time. Which she wasn’t, of course.

“Up, you lazy Flake-cursed idiot!”

Kaya suppressed a groan and dragged her slight frame off the floor. She probably looked a mess - her long, dark brown hair hung in lank, greasy clumps down her back, her simple shirt and trousers were still ripped, muddied and grimy from that job three nights ago and her face was marked with dirt and slime from her makeshift bed. Not that she was complaining. She was lucky she had clothes at all. Some of the kalil children walked the streets wearing nothing but a shred of fabric tied round their waists. 

And if she was honest, she was past caring.

"Busy day today," grunted Horuc, Metil's second-in-command. 

"That's right. We're going to take back my fortune once and for all, and you -" he tweaked Kaya's nose violently - "are going to help me do it."

Kaya had never understood Metil's fixation on a 'fortune' that wasn't his. One day, a few months after she joined the crew, Metil had shared with her that he believed his great-great-grandfather, or some such distant relative, had been kalol heir to a grand estate and that it was rightfully his.

Never mind that the 'fortune' belonged to an actual kalol noble now, or that his relative was an illegitimate child anyway. Greed defied logic, and Metil seemed to have been blessed with an awful lot of the former and a severe lack of the latter.

"Girl?"

"Yes, Captain?" 

She gave the reply in the meek, subservient tone expected of her. No use in rebelling, angry as she was. It wouldn't work. 

Nothing ever worked.

"You play a huge part in my plan. So much is resting on you. So. Much." he said, emplasising every syllable. "If this goes wrong... " he was almost hissing the words, his face so close to hers that he could feel spittle flying out his mouth onto her face. "If you step so much as a toe out of line, you're dead. You hear me?"

Nothing ever worked. So what did she have to lose?

"No."

"What?!"

She cringed at her own brashness. She had just defied the captain himself. What did she expect? For him to gift her jam on her daily slice of stale bread in return?

Well, the damage was done now. She might as well carry on. 

"I said no. I'm tired of being your pawn. I'm tired of being used, but never being told what for. I'm absolutely sick of being treated like a child despite proving myself over and over again..." She was warming to her theme now, and opened her mouth to continue.

A shard of searing pain forced it closed again as her head was jerked sharply backwards in the motion she had come to recognise. One of Metil's slaps. Swiftly orienting herself again, she prepared to carry on, but quailed under the look Metil was shooting her way. 

“I,” he brought her face towards her, his voice dangerously quiet, “have sacrificed so much for you. More than you can ever know. And this is how you repay me? This?

“I will NOT have you jeopardising my mission, This might be the last opportunity I get, and I will not have my job sabotaged because of the petty actions of one selfish little girl. Do you hear me?”

Kaya was cowering in a corner by now. She whimpered in response.

“I said, do you hear me?”

“I hear you,” she finally whispered, slumping to the floor, her small body insensate once more.

Nothing ever worked.

I hope you like it  

[Medium he/they]

Grammar and structure is awesome, I love it.

Seems a bit too Mistborn-Era 1 inspired, so maybe change up some details to make it more original? I feel taking inspiration from BrandoSando's work, I myself took base inspiration for my fantasy trilogy and the connected universe it's in, so the idea is great! But yes, it seems too similar to Mistborn, so maybe go back and fix that.

Other than that, I like it! I definitely would want to read more.

[Lord Gregorio he/him]

I thought it was good, but also agree that it sounded too much like the first couple Mistborn books. If you made a bit your own it would be even better. I enjoyed reading it.

[EmTheElsecaller]

Noted - I’m changing it from a thieving crew to a group of prostitutes in a brothel, which I think would actually work a lot better for the overall story. Thanks for the constructive criticism, much appreciated

[Medium he/they]

Of course! It really is quite good though, can't wait to see more.

[EmTheElsecaller]

So I just finished the second chapter, from the POV of the other main character, so if you wanna read it here it is

Please bear in mind that I haven’t had time to do a proper read through and edit, so if it sounds like a semicoherent mess that’s why, lol.

EDIT: I just realised the top of the chapter says 1. Arelis rather than 2. Arelis since it’s the second chapter and I can’t get it to change. Just imagine it says 2  

Spoiler

1. Arelis

Arelis stared at the goblet of wine set in front of him. It lay untouched, though not because he disliked it. He simply wasn’t thirsty.

His father’s grand feasts always made him feel like that, for some inexplicable reason.

To his left sat Heveni, the woman he was courting. She was such a contrast to him in appearances - she was lush of figure, almost plump, and her luscious golden hair flowed loose down to her waist. He, however, remained stubbornly scrawny despite his father’s best efforts, and his dull mousy hair refused to let itself be combed even slightly. He got the distinct feeling that she would not be courting him were it not for the fact that there was a possibility she could become Bonded to the son of the Snowlord himself - an alliance her family needed desperately. There were rumours that there wasn’t one Bonded in her immediate family line - and that just would not do in the eyes of kalol high society. Luckily, Heveni’s looks provided ample compensation.

On his other side were his parents, the most powerful people on the continent. They were Bonded, which automatically put them fairly high on the social ladder, but added to the fact that they had both been very highborn kalol before they Bonded had made them the most widely known and respected Snowpair for years.

Arelis hadn’t minded the attention back then, but then the old king died and his father had been asked to take his place. Turned out being Crown Prince was a lot of work.

Idly, he wondered what it would be like to Bond someone - to venture out into the Everflake, completely at the mercy of the great blizzard and the one who ruled over it. To be trekking through the tempest, exhausted and about to give up, when the famous shimmering arrow would appear and guide you towards your new Bonded.

Lord and Lady Newill had begun discussing this as well - their son Arelis was nearing his twentieth year, the next in a cycle of four years that he would be permitted to seek a Bonded. And he must - it would be scandalous to have a son of Lord Newill to be unBonded by his twenty-first birthday. 

He started out of his musings as a jolt ran through the room, followed by bouts of whispers and giggles from some of the ladies. Glancing around for the source, he quickly located it - the wooden, ornately carved double doors at the head of the room were opening. And in stepped Delito and Thel.

Lord Delito Barelin had caused quite the stir when he went out to seek his Bonded in the Everflake last year. He had Bonded Thel - which wouldn’t have been an event to remark upon were it not for the fact that Thel was kalil. 

Very occasionally, kalil with some noble blood in them found themselves by chance in an Everflake and ended up Bonding. But as temple doctrine taught that Bonding was a most sacred of processes, and only those closest to the Everwatcher - the kalol - should attempt it, many saw what Delito and Thel had done as sacrilege, maybe even heresy.

The pair appeared to take no notice of the stares that followed them round the room as they took their place at the table for very minor nobles. Thel, of course, drew a folding table and chair up next to Delito - it would be scandalous for a kalil, even a Bonded one, to eat at the same table as nobles.

It occurred to Arelis for the first time that this wasn’t entirely fair.

His father stood up and made his customary proclamation - all about defending the continent and striving to protect the faith - but Arelis had heard it a thousand times before. He wasn’t listening.

He was lost in thought.

 

Edited September 18, 2022 by EmTheElsecaller

[Medium he/they]

Well... this is... interesting.

My username a while ago, and the main character in a book I wrote was named Theldragor. Everyone called him Thel.

How funky.

Other than that, this is very cool, and I love the way you've hinted at the world's magic. Everflake, Bonding, Snowlord/Snowpair, I get the feeling it's very winter and cold based and I love it. It's very well written and paced. Applause to you, my friend.

[EmTheElsecaller]

14 hours ago, CalanoCorvus said:

Well... this is... interesting.

My username a while ago, and the main character in a book I wrote was named Theldragor. Everyone called him Thel.

How funky.

Haha really? Must be a good name then 

Thank you for the praise!! (for some reason I can’t get it to quote)

[Lord Gregorio he/him]

Okay this is a cool start to a book. I enjoyed it. Very compelling writing. I liked how you created so many questions for readers to want to read further to answer. It was a good read. Nice work. 

[The Halcyon Girl she/her]

I love this. Beautiful. Keep going! 

[Rabbit Unmade she/her]

Can‘t wait for more!