Reading Excuses - 2/15/16 - Marci - Broken Universe - Chapter 1 (Parts 2-3) - 4500 Words [LVSD]

[Marci]

Previously, on Broken Universe: The otherworldly powers Baxter Phelps developed as a teen have left him mentally scarred. He’s learned to cope through self-medication, and using his powers to cheat his way through life as much as possible. Despite this, he feels like things might be looking up for him. Then a transdimensional portal appears nearby while he’s wrapping up a successful hunting trip in the woods, and the portal’s appearance triggers the return of a slew of confusing and incomplete memories. One of the things he remembers is that someone with an axe to grind is looking for him. So, he hightails it out of the woods to enlist help while still remembering why he needs it in the first place…

 

--

 

Ugh. I hate writing recaps.

 

Same drill as last time. I’m looking for feedback on character development, story pacing, and wordsmithing. I cut the crap out of this thing based on feedback from Part 1, so hopefully I did a little better with the purple prose. I know the casual/conversational style I use in parts of the narration is a bit much for some of you; I tried to dial that back a little, as well.

 

I hope you enjoy Chapter 1, Parts 2-3 of Broken Universe. I look forward to your comments!

Edited February 15, 2016 by Marci

[Mandamon]

Maybe it's weekly reader syndrome, but the first couple pages seem overly cryptic, like I'm missing some piece of information.

 

pg 2: "Synesthesia in full swing"

--you then list a bunch of synesthesia-type sensations afterwards (and later in the chapter), but there's no hint of it before now.

 

pg 3: Baxter keeps repeating the line about the doors, but I don't know what it means.  It's not getting any clearer when the line is repeated.

 

pg 9: There's a lot of bantering upt to this point.  It's sort of making the story drag for me.  I'm waiting to see what's going on with the door.

 

pg 11: Baxter's starting to piss me off too.

 

pg 16: Again, lots of bantering here between Baxter and the ghost.  Not a lot of information, though.  Not sure why trees are snapping and toppling.  Is Baxter doing that, or the ghost?

 

pg 20: "By Jove, I think he's got it!"

--But I don't.  I have no idea who this ghost is, and by the end of 10 pages of conversation with it, I want to.

 

 

Overall, I didn't like this submission as much as the first one.  Last week promised we'd find something out about the doors and what Baxter is doing.  But instead, I'm reading mostly bantering conversation without a whole lot of information revealed.  Some good character development for Baxter, but I was almost skimming over those parts to find out what was going on with the doors.  As far as I can tell they were some joke of the ghost or something?  By the end, I was pretty confused, and now also don't know who this ghost is.

 

As a note on your recap above: "The otherworldly powers Baxter Phelps developed as a teen have left him mentally scarred. He’s learned to cope through self-medication, and using his powers to cheat his way through life as much as possible."

--Did we actually learn this in the first chapter?  I wasn't aware that Baxter developed powers in his teens.  We also haven't really seen any of those powers yet, except maybe that he can see the doors?

[Marci]

Thanks for reading, Mandamon!

 

pg 2: "Synesthesia in full swing"

--you then list a bunch of synesthesia-type sensations afterwards (and later in the chapter), but there's no hint of it before now.

 

There are at least two instances called out in Part 1 that I remember in particular. The first is in the second paragraph of page 1, the second is in the second paragraph on page 13. The biggest reason why I didn't include more hints of it is the fact that he's alone, and there's a whole lot of silence going on around him until he starts hearing the door.

 

 

pg 3: Baxter keeps repeating the line about the doors, but I don't know what it means.  It's not getting any clearer when the line is repeated.

 

He's repeating what he speaks aloud on page 10, Part 1, when the door first appears. He's afraid he'll forget, so he's reminding himself.

 

 

pg 16: Again, lots of bantering here between Baxter and the ghost.  Not a lot of information, though.  Not sure why trees are snapping and toppling.  Is Baxter doing that, or the ghost?

 

Baxter's doing it. He tends to break things when he's angry.

 

 

Overall, I didn't like this submission as much as the first one.  Last week promised we'd find something out about the doors and what Baxter is doing.  But instead, I'm reading mostly bantering conversation without a whole lot of information revealed.  Some good character development for Baxter, but I was almost skimming over those parts to find out what was going on with the doors.  As far as I can tell they were some joke of the ghost or something?  By the end, I was pretty confused, and now also don't know who this ghost is.

 

Spoiler alert: The "ghost" inhabiting Kim isn't a ghost at all; it's someone from Baxter's past who he's wronged, and she wants him to know she's coming for him. She made the door in an attempt to reach him. The banter might've gone on for too long, but that was my lame attempt at establishing a long and storied history between these two, whether Baxter realizes it right at that moment, or not. Chapter 3 should give readers a better idea of who the ghost might be.

 

Honestly, I'm attempting to set up a 20-year mystery, here, while establishing relationships and history without infodumping every five seconds. Baxter doesn't remember a huge portion of his past. He only knows what he knows when he knows it, and there's a very specific reason for this, which doesn't get revealed until midpoint in the story. This reveal is huge, by the way, and something Baxter will ultimately answer for in a dramatic way.

 

 

As a note on your recap above: "The otherworldly powers Baxter Phelps developed as a teen have left him mentally scarred. He’s learned to cope through self-medication, and using his powers to cheat his way through life as much as possible."

--Did we actually learn this in the first chapter?  I wasn't aware that Baxter developed powers in his teens.  We also haven't really seen any of those powers yet, except maybe that he can see the doors?

 

There are two major mentions of when his powers developed in Part 1, on pages 9 and 13. I'm not expecting you to go back and look or anything like that, I just wanted to point out that I have addressed these things, though perhaps not very successfully.

 

I feel I must also add: Since this book is almost entirely from Baxter's unique POV, if you continue reading you'll want to take everything he sees, says, and hears with a grain of salt. The guy's schizo, after all.

 

Thanks again for reading!

Edited February 15, 2016 by Marci

[Asmodemon]

Summary: Oddly enough, like the last submission, the summary is kind of more interesting than the actual thing. I see a line like this: “The otherworldly powers Baxter Phelps developed as a teen have left him mentally scarred. He’s learned to cope through self-medication, and using his powers to cheat his way through life as much as possible.” And I’m interested. However there was nothing of that in the last submission, except for the mental issues. And it’s the same in this chapter.

 

Focused: This chapter was more focused than the last one, in terms of tangential thoughts. Those are still there, but as being unfocused is basically Baxter’s character I’m fine with some stray thoughts here and there. So that’s good.

 

Synesthesia: This came up for the first time in this submission, but I don’t recall it propping up anywhere in the last submission. Probably wasn’t noticeable because he was alone. In part 1 Baxter’s problem was that he can’t focus and has a horrible memory. Now it’s also synesthesia. That’s a lot of issues Baxter has that gets thrown out at the reader.

 

Banter with Kim: I’m not really sure what to make of the banter yet. Half the time I think Baxter and Kim must be divorced, since there’s so much vitriol in what they’re saying. He has issues, she seems like she knows of them (at least some of them), but there is hardly any consideration there. Then the next few lines of banter are almost playful. So I don’t really know what to make of these two yet and I think it’s because there is no context yet for this pair, since this is the first time they’re together in the story.

 

Why Kim: I don’t really get why he has to take Kim with him to see the door and test if it’s real. If it’s really that dangerous he’s taking an awful big risk. Last chapter he couldn’t wait to get out of that location, now he’s going back with his wife, who apparently has no idea that there are doorways her husband can see.

 

Powers: Still confused about Baxter’s power. What can he do? There’s also no real context yet about why he keeps forgetting stuff.

 

Banter with ghost: Can no one speak without banter and general rudeness? So far, we’re two for two. I must say that this beating around the bush that the ghost does is pretty annoying, since it adds to the confusion about what’s going on. The questions keep piling up: what are the doors? What is Baxter’s power? Why does it unhinge him mentally? Now we also have, who’s the ghost? Why are there ghosts? Is it even ghost? Baxter is not surprised by ghosts or possession by someone with mental powers, has he encountered more? Wasn’t this a story about extra-dimensional portals rather than ghosts?

Like Baxter’s unfocused mind it also feels like the story lacks focus; are we looking at a supernatural ghost story? A more sci-fi parallel dimension invasion story?

 

Realization about the ghost: Baxter seems to have realized, by the end of the chapter, who the ghost is or most likely is. And it has meaning to him. But not to the reader. Cutting off the chapter before letting the reader in on the secret feels a little cheap. It’s not a problem to end chapters like that once in a while, and can work as a page turner, but do that too many times and it’s more annoying than exciting. Just something to keep in mind

 

Length concern: It feels like you’re discovery writing through this (is that correct?), rather than working from a fixed outline.  It feels that way because after reading this submission and seeing that this is part 2 and 3 of chapter one, that leaves us with a chapter one that is 8000 words long. For a typical novel of 100K words that means 1/12 is already over and it doesn’t feel like we’re 1/12 through the story. For me that always sets off a small alarm bell. Maybe a bit premature, since it’s only the second submission, but I’m just throwing it out there.

 

Antagonist: Best of the three parts was the presence of the ghost, even though the lack of information did annoy me, there’s a sign of an antagonist and more antagonists to come. Looking forward to see what exactly is going on.

[Asmodemon]

There are at least two instances called out in Part 1 that I remember in particular. The first is in the second paragraph of page 1, the second is in the second paragraph on page 13. The biggest reason why I didn't include more hints of it is the fact that he's alone, and there's a whole lot of silence going on around him until he starts hearing the door.

 

 

Reading the first part again I see that the synesthesia hints are there, but there's so much weirdness going on with Baxter's perspective that it didn't register before now. It's the same thing with the demonstrations of his power, in this submission and the last, Baxter's POV is so unfocused that it's hard to keep track of what's going on and of the things that matter.

 

 

I feel I must also add: Since this book is almost entirely from Baxter's unique POV, if you continue reading you'll want to take everything he sees, says, and hears with a grain of salt. The guy's schizo, after all.

 

That does make following what's going on difficult, especially with unknown forms of magic and/or paranormal things in the mix.

 

Honestly, I'm attempting to set up a 20-year mystery, here, while establishing relationships and history without infodumping every five seconds.

 

My advice? Just take it slow. It's not important yet to know there's a twenty year mystery going on. First we need to get to know the main character a bit more and start to care about what he's doing.

 

[Marci]

Banter with Kim: I’m not really sure what to make of the banter yet. Half the time I think Baxter and Kim must be divorced, since there’s so much vitriol in what they’re saying. He has issues, she seems like she knows of them (at least some of them), but there is hardly any consideration there. Then the next few lines of banter are almost playful. So I don’t really know what to make of these two yet and I think it’s because there is no context yet for this pair, since this is the first time they’re together in the story.

 

Kim knows about Baxter's issues, and his powers, but because Baxter doesn't really understand them, neither does she. This is why they're not technically "together" at this point in the story. They've been on-again, off-again for years. She's angry because he's acting crazier than usual and dragging her out into the woods on Thanksgiving Day without giving her any details whatsoever. He's put her through a lot, and just when she starts letting her guard down again, he pulls this stunt on her.

 

 

Why Kim: I don’t really get why he has to take Kim with him to see the door and test if it’s real. If it’s really that dangerous he’s taking an awful big risk. Last chapter he couldn’t wait to get out of that location, now he’s going back with his wife, who apparently has no idea that there are doorways her husband can see.

 

Soooo... Kim can see/sense things, though she has no other powers of her own. She was drawn to Baxter originally because she felt he was different, and then she's given a demonstration, up close and personal. Instead of running away (which I would've done, considering the demonstration), she asks him to use his powers to do her a big favor. So she's a hypocrite, basically. Heh. Anyway, Baxter is hoping she'll be able to see the door, because he wants someone who can keep reminding him they exist, otherwise he'll promptly forget -- which he does in the next part.

 

 

Powers: Still confused about Baxter’s power. What can he do? There’s also no real context yet about why he keeps forgetting stuff.

 

I'm a little frustrated, here, because I really didn't want to give the whole story away, but since I'm screwing up the whole organic fact finding thing, I guess I should lay it out. 

 

Baxter did this to himself, because he believed forgetting was the only option he had left. In Part 1, he remembers that he once did something unspeakable, but isn't sure what that something had been... The thing is, he didn't just do this to himself -- there were other people involved. So, he played god and screwed around with other people's heads. He did it out of love, but that doesn't make it any less wrong. That's what he has to answer for.

 

This all occurred right around the time he started university. He only thinks that's when his powers developed, but he's had them from birth. There are two skills he has in particular -- one is messing with people's minds, and the other has to do with being able to absorb/redirect power. Like a battery, I guess.

 

 

Banter with ghost: Can no one speak without banter and general rudeness? So far, we’re two for two. I must say that this beating around the bush that the ghost does is pretty annoying, since it adds to the confusion about what’s going on. The questions keep piling up: what are the doors? What is Baxter’s power? Why does it unhinge him mentally? Now we also have, who’s the ghost? Why are there ghosts? Is it even ghost? Baxter is not surprised by ghosts or possession by someone with mental powers, has he encountered more? Wasn’t this a story about extra-dimensional portals rather than ghosts?

Like Baxter’s unfocused mind it also feels like the story lacks focus; are we looking at a supernatural ghost story? A more sci-fi parallel dimension invasion story?

 

Yes, on the parallel dimension thing... The doors can be used to travel on either physical or metaphysical levels. There are no ghosts.

 

Baxter and his childhood friend used to travel between the different parallel universes and use their powers to make mischief because they were teenagers at the time and thought it was cool to be destructive and do whatever the heck they wanted. They draw a lot of attention to themselves, unfortunately. When the "megalomaniac" I mention in the story summary in Part 1 comes onto the scene and starts menacing them, Baxter gets the bright idea that he and his friend can defeat the Evil Dude by approaching other versions of themselves for help. The "ghost" in Part 2 is an alt version of his childhood friend who ends up losing everything as a result of agreeing to help Baxter.

 

 

Realization about the ghost: Baxter seems to have realized, by the end of the chapter, who the ghost is or most likely is. And it has meaning to him. But not to the reader. Cutting off the chapter before letting the reader in on the secret feels a little cheap. It’s not a problem to end chapters like that once in a while, and can work as a page turner, but do that too many times and it’s more annoying than exciting. Just something to keep in mind

 

Yep, gotcha. This was probably the only chapter with that kind of cliffhanger, or however you'd like to refer to it, because in the next chapter the childhood friend comes back onto the scene, and they start figuring things out together.

 

 

Length concern: It feels like you’re discovery writing through this (is that correct?), rather than working from a fixed outline.  It feels that way because after reading this submission and seeing that this is part 2 and 3 of chapter one, that leaves us with a chapter one that is 8000 words long. For a typical novel of 100K words that means 1/12 is already over and it doesn’t feel like we’re 1/12 through the story. For me that always sets off a small alarm bell. Maybe a bit premature, since it’s only the second submission, but I’m just throwing it out there.

 

I actually do have an outline. It's probably far too complicated, and I'm attempting to do too much, but I have one all the same. :|

 

The story is split into two books, as there are two distinct story arcs. What I've shared here is the first chapter of Book 1.

[Eisenheim]

Okay, yeah.  The writing is good.  Prose is engaging.  Description felt right to me, with the purple coming from Baxter not the narrator and establishing his character more.

 

Global comment: mysteries are fine, but you need to find some information you can reveal in these early chapters, to alleviate our frustration and make them mystery distinct.

 

This section and the first one need major edits to make clear the fact that Baxter is missing memories.  He or Kim or someone need to be aware of that and very explicitly call it out, because right now, I lack information and can't see a good reason I don't.  

 

Also, Baxter needs to explain his powers more or be surprised when they occur if he doesn't remember them.  He started throwing around telekinesis there without any comment or prior warning.

 

How is the possessor supposed to come off?  Right now, I read them as an old friend who doesn't really understand that Baxter doesn't recognize them or know what's going on.  If they're supposed to seem hostile, that needs to come across more clearly.

[Marci]

Okay, yeah.  The writing is good.  Prose is engaging.  Description felt right to me, with the purple coming from Baxter not the narrator and establishing his character more.

 

I'm glad this one worked better for you, as far as those things are concerned!

 

Global comment: mysteries are fine, but you need to find some information you can reveal in these early chapters, to alleviate our frustration and make them mystery distinct.

 

Yes, I see now that I'm having trouble with the cues. But what's acceptable, and what's an infodump?

 

I'm close to 80K deep, or 70%, through Book 1, and I feel like I need to pause to figure some of this stuff out. I almost feel like I need to adjust both my outline and timeline, since so much happens all at once, and there's so much ground to cover.

 

 

Also, Baxter needs to explain his powers more or be surprised when they occur if he doesn't remember them.  He started throwing around telekinesis there without any comment or prior warning.

 

Baxter is aware that he has powers, he just doesn't remember how to use them effectively, nor is he able to tune out, or shield himself from everything going on around him. He's like a radio half-tuned into a station; lots of static, noise, etc., which is why it's so hard for him to focus. He's being constantly bombarded, and isn't quite sure what he sees or hear is real, or if he's really as crazy as the doctors say he is. He isn't quite sane at this point, but he's not 100% bonkers, either.

 

How is the possessor supposed to come off?  Right now, I read them as an old friend who doesn't really understand that Baxter doesn't recognize them or know what's going on.  If they're supposed to seem hostile, that needs to come across more clearly.

 

Oh, as far as the "ghost" is concerned, they're hostile. That lady is vengeful and a little off her rocker, as well -- also Baxter's doing. At the end of the chapter, when he realizes whom Kim is possessed by, he pretty much wants to crawl into a hole and die, because in that moment he remembers what he's done, and understands that he deserves ten times the misery he's already experienced throughout his adult life.

 

Also, yes, the "ghost" is aware he doesn't know who she is, so she's taunting him. That's where some of their banter comes into play. It isn't until she mentions the sword that he puts it all together.

 

Thanks for reading and commenting!

Edited February 16, 2016 by Marci

[Shrike76]

P6 - "You know as well as I do that her conception was far from immaculate." - I don't know if I'm being dense but I've reread this page three times and I have no idea what she's referring to. i know what an immaculate conception is, I just don't know what they were talking about that could relate to it.

 

I still really like the narrative voice. It's consistent and unique enough to not allow the reader to get distracted by anything on the outside. It really pulls me through the chapter.

Where I find this submission is the weakest is in the dialogue. It's fine for the most part, and realistic, but there's just too much of it. Sometimes it's redundant and I think some of it could be cut out to improve the readability of the whole thing. And this goes for both Baxter's conversation with Kim, and with the ghost that possessed her.

 

I wasn't sure if the ghost was male or female, but I was leaning towards male. The voice sounded crude, and mentioned civvies, and seemed intrigued by the female body it was inhabiting, so it felt very male to me (some ghost of a dead fellow soldier I guessed), but I see up above you call the ghost a she.

 

You asked about character development. Was synesthesia mentioned in the first chapter? I don't remember it being there (I didn't go digging to find it) and so it caught me a bit by surprise, but I enjoyed the way you described it here. I'm not sure how accurate it is, having never experienced the condition, but I liked how Kim's voice has a certain flavour which changes when the ghost inhabits her. Kim seems to take the whole thing very much in stride until she stops being her, and Baxter seems to take the ghost very much in stride, asking far fewer questions, and being far less freaked out, than I would have been in a similar situation. I think both of those reactions can be tunes a little to seem more natural, but aside from that I think this is pretty good stuff. I'm hoping we'll learn more about what makes Baxter Baxter, but I'm willing to wait a bit for some of that to be developed.

 

The pacing was okay, aside from what I mentioned about with the dialogue. It was well-written, but there was a lot of it and I found myself wishing I'd get to the point. A bit of pruning should be able to help on this level.

 

From a reader engagement perspective, you've got me curious about what the ghost said regarding the three that were coming and what the implications are for Baxter, I'm still curious to learn what the doors are used for, and because Kim passed out, I'm curious to know what her reaction to all of this would be. If I had this book in my hands I would definitely turn the page to continue.

 

For wordsmithing, I don't see anything I would alter. The prose is clean, readable, and engaging.

 

For comprehension, most of it was fine but I wasn't sure why trees were breaking. I see from your comments above that it's Baxter that is causing it, but that didn't come across in the story.

 - Is Baxter aware that these things are breaking because of him?

 - Is this something that he can control?

 - What's his endgame? It's not like he's going to physically harm Kim to get the ghost out, right?

[Eisenheim]

I think a great way to get more information in without infodump is to use Baxter's already in place habit of talking to himself.  You can have those little asides be much more explicitly revelatory for the reader without straining things.

[Marci]

P6 - "You know as well as I do that her conception was far from immaculate." - I don't know if I'm being dense but I've reread this page three times and I have no idea what she's referring to. i know what an immaculate conception is, I just don't know what they were talking about that could relate to it.

 

Heh. Kim is being exceedingly unkind, here. She's accusing him of using his powers against her ("talking" her into bed with him), which wasn't the case.

 

 

I still really like the narrative voice. It's consistent and unique enough to not allow the reader to get distracted by anything on the outside. It really pulls me through the chapter.

 

Thank you! I'm glad it's working for you. Like I said, I'm being very deliberate, and going for a certain feel. I do understand this won't work for everyone. I'm willing to risk it.

 

 

Where I find this submission is the weakest is in the dialogue. It's fine for the most part, and realistic, but there's just too much of it. Sometimes it's redundant and I think some of it could be cut out to improve the readability of the whole thing. And this goes for both Baxter's conversation with Kim, and with the ghost that possessed her.

 

Thank you for the feedback on this point. I really enjoy dialog, and tend to get carried away with it. I'll be more mindful of this, and rein myself in a bit more.

 

 

I wasn't sure if the ghost was male or female, but I was leaning towards male. The voice sounded crude, and mentioned civvies, and seemed intrigued by the female body it was inhabiting, so it felt very male to me (some ghost of a dead fellow soldier I guessed), but I see up above you call the ghost a she.

 

Definitely a woman. Baxter attended a ~*prestigious*~ co-ed private military academy with his childhood friend grades 9-12. That's where a lot of the crudeness comes from. Though, if I'm being honest, I'm a grown, married woman, and the way the ghost talks isn't dissimilar to how I typically converse. Not in mixed company, of course, but overall I'm "one of the boys."

 

 

You asked about character development. Was synesthesia mentioned in the first chapter? I don't remember it being there (I didn't go digging to find it) and so it caught me a bit by surprise, but I enjoyed the way you described it here. I'm not sure how accurate it is, having never experienced the condition, but I liked how Kim's voice has a certain flavour which changes when the ghost inhabits her.

 

Good, so glad to hear it! I'm using a bit of creative license with the synesthesia, though I did research the condition. Folks who experience it associate words, numbers, and sounds with colors as well as flavors. Baxter is a little bit of a special case, as he has visual hallucinations, too. (For example, how he see's the "ghost's" name 1,000-point type.)

 

 

Kim seems to take the whole thing very much in stride until she stops being her, and Baxter seems to take the ghost very much in stride, asking far fewer questions, and being far less freaked out, than I would have been in a similar situation. I think both of those reactions can be tunes a little to seem more natural, but aside from that I think this is pretty good stuff. I'm hoping we'll learn more about what makes Baxter Baxter, but I'm willing to wait a bit for some of that to be developed.

 

I'll keep this in mind. As I said previously, Baxter has put his long-suffering girlfriend through quite a bit, so Kim is humoring him a bit, despite being overall angry about what's happening. It's her way of being supportive, I suppose. Baxter is just trying to "roll with" the madness.

 

 

The pacing was okay, aside from what I mentioned about with the dialogue. It was well-written, but there was a lot of it and I found myself wishing I'd get to the point. A bit of pruning should be able to help on this level.

 

Aye, sir! Will prune!

 

 

From a reader engagement perspective, you've got me curious about what the ghost said regarding the three that were coming and what the implications are for Baxter, I'm still curious to learn what the doors are used for, and because Kim passed out, I'm curious to know what her reaction to all of this would be. If I had this book in my hands I would definitely turn the page to continue.

 

Oh, Kim isn't happy whatsoever. She actually is aware during the possession, and remembers everything after the fact, so there are indeed implications for Baxter. Too bad he won't remember why. *sniffle*

 

 

For wordsmithing, I don't see anything I would alter. The prose is clean, readable, and engaging.

 

Yay, thank you!

 

 

For comprehension, most of it was fine but I wasn't sure why trees were breaking. I see from your comments above that it's Baxter that is causing it, but that didn't come across in the story.

 - Is Baxter aware that these things are breaking because of him?

 

Yes, he's aware, but not in control.

 

 

 - Is this something that he can control?

 

Noooooope!

 

 

 - What's his endgame? It's not like he's going to physically harm Kim to get the ghost out, right?

 

No, harming Kim is the last thing he wants. The only power he can halfway control is the mind-screwing part, and even then it doesn't always turn out the way he intends because of his lack of focus. At that point in the story, he's simply angry, and losing control a bit, and the ghost puts a stop to it before things get out of hand.

Edited February 17, 2016 by Marci

[Marci]

I think a great way to get more information in without infodump is to use Baxter's already in place habit of talking to himself.  You can have those little asides be much more explicitly revelatory for the reader without straining things.

 

Thank you very much for the advice. I'll see what I can do to more naturally incorporate the backstory via Baxter's internal dialog.

[Shrike76]

I wasn't sure if the ghost was male or female, but I was leaning towards male. The voice sounded crude, and mentioned civvies, and seemed intrigued by the female body it was inhabiting, so it felt very male to me (some ghost of a dead fellow soldier I guessed), but I see up above you call the ghost a she.

 

 

Definitely a woman. Baxter attended a ~*prestigious*~ co-ed private military academy with his childhood friend grades 9-12. That's where a lot of the crudeness comes from. Though, if I'm being honest, I'm a grown, married woman, and the way the ghost talks isn't dissimilar to how I typically converse. Not in mixed company, of course, but overall I'm "one of the boys."

 

 

Yes, he's aware, but not in control.

No, harming Kim is the last thing he wants. The only power he can halfway control is the mind-screwing part, and even then it doesn't always turn out the way he intends because of his lack of focus. At that point in the story, he's simply angry, and losing control a bit, and the ghost puts a stop to it before things get out of hand.

 

For the ghost, that's my male reader bias kicking in I guess. You didn't describe the sex of the ghost that was military and checked down the shirt of the woman whose body it was inhabiting, so I assumed it was a guy because of course I would. It might be worth clarifying the point up front, especially if the gender is obvious and/or important later.

 

For the destructive wind at the end, you should make those points clearer. It felt like the wind was obeying him at first ("His quiet command called forth a howl of wind"), but there was nothing in him that showed a knowledge of how to control it, or any sort of worry about what he was doing. His thoughts on why things are happening, and whether he wants more or less of it happening would tell us a lot about him.

[Marci]

For the destructive wind at the end, you should make those points clearer. It felt like the wind was obeying him at first ("His quiet command called forth a howl of wind"), but there was nothing in him that showed a knowledge of how to control it, or any sort of worry about what he was doing. His thoughts on why things are happening, and whether he wants more or less of it happening would tell us a lot about him.

 

Thank you, that's a very good point! Baxter often tends to act without thinking, though the fact that he could've hurt Kim would've bothered him immensely. I'll be sure to call that out in the revision.

[Marci]

For the ghost, that's my male reader bias kicking in I guess. You didn't describe the sex of the ghost that was military and checked down the shirt of the woman whose body it was inhabiting, so I assumed it was a guy because of course I would. It might be worth clarifying the point up front, especially if the gender is obvious and/or important later.

 

Ha! So, Kim has an excess "up top," not to mention that she's heavily tattooed. The ghost is sadly lacking in either department, which is where the preoccupation comes in.

 

Kim even mentions to Baxter later: "She was kind of preoccupied with my breasts."

 

Baxter replies: "I'm kind of preoccupied with your breasts."

 

Yeah, the guy is kind of a horse's rear sometimes. He's trying to be funny, but it doesn't always go over well.

Edited February 17, 2016 by Marci

[Shrike76]

Thank you, that's a very good point! Baxter often tends to act without thinking, though the fact that he could've hurt Kim would've bothered him immensely. I'll be sure to call that out in the revision.

 

Yep. Even when acting without thinking he can still realize, having done it, that he needs to dial it back. Or at least take a deep breath.

[rdpulfer]

- I agree with some of the previous posters - Kim and Baxter's dialogue is filled with so much vitriol that it fills like their relationship is anything but amicable. It doesn't help that Baxter is being so vague about what he's going to show her.

 

- Okay, I definitely wasn't expecting Kim to get possessed. I think it took a bit too long to get to this point though, if this is the focus of the section.

 

- I'm with Baxter - the constant pop culture references are really annoying. And normally I'm the guy who likes pop culture references.

 

- I'm a little confused. Does Baxter know the thing in Kim's body? It kinda reminds me of Deadman from DC Comics. Regardless, I can't tell if he knows the spirit or not throughout the passage.The spirit is so familiar with Baxter, it tough to tell if this is someone Baxter knows in the context of his weirdness, which hasn't been well-established at this point. I didn't really get that this was someone he knows that he doesn't in fact know yet until the very end. 

 

- I am really interested in this character, however, and I'm very curious to see where this goes. 

[Marci]

- I'm a little confused. Does Baxter know the thing in Kim's body? It kinda reminds me of Deadman from DC Comics. Regardless, I can't tell if he knows the spirit or not throughout the passage.The spirit is so familiar with Baxter, it tough to tell if this is someone Baxter knows in the context of his weirdness, which hasn't been well-established at this point. I didn't really get that this was someone he knows that he doesn't in fact know yet until the very end. 

 

Baxter knows her, but before he scrambled his own mind, he believed she was dead and gone with the rest of the alt universe kids who tried helping he and his childhood friend defeat their Evil Dude. Between the constant annoying pop references (which actually is something her character historically does), as well as the mention of the sword at the end, he's able to put it together. The problem is, she's one of the things he'd been determined to forget, so the memory of this encounter will fade along with the doors' existence.

 

 

- I am really interested in this character, however, and I'm very curious to see where this goes. 

 

I'm pleased to hear it! Baxter isn't an easy dude to like at times. Hopefully choosing an antihero for the story's POV doesn't backfire on me entirely. I obviously have some major tweaking to do on this, so it might be awhile before I get around to posting more. 

 

Again, I appreciate your feedback! Have a great weekend.

[Robinski]

Finally got around to finishing reviewing, sorry, crazy week, Glasgow Film Festival at the moment, three great films yesterday, two more today, three tomorrow, etc. Anyway – huge digression, sorry.

 

I was more comfortable with Baxter and his verbal gymnastics this week. I'm starting to get into it, but I had some issues the exchanges between him and Kim. I’ve tagged the detail below (***), but my problems are twofold (1) that they sound alike, which I can understand to some degree, but holds danger for the reader in differentiating and risks having too few tones in the dialogue [And there’s another one. The operative possessing Kim speaks the same way too! – Ed.]; and (2) certain comments that he makes to / about Kim are hugely debasing and disrespectful.

 

If he loves her as much as he professes (I think he professed), I find this very hard to believe even, in fact especially, in his (supposedly) vulnerable state. Also, in passing, I'm not seeing enough of his vulnerability to buy it. I'm still thinking he’s mostly a potty-mouthed pain in the chull. I’d say I was 80/20 towards PMPITA at this point.

 

At the end of Part 2, I'm really confused. Kim’s fall seems contrived and now she’s speaking nonsense? Part of my difficulty is that I don’t know enough about the doors. I think there is a bit too much smart-mouthing for the amount of mythos I got to make me interested in the doors. I’ve read the last line several times and I guess maybe Kim knows more than has been revealed to us. If Baxter knew this and didn’t tell us I shall be mightily put out...(enters Part 3)

 

Okay, I admit it; I like the ‘alien’ inhabitation angle. Works well apart from the tone of the interloper’s voice (see above). I say again though, I feel that lack of a reason for this stuff happening, and I’ve learned very little from the encounter. “I’d thank you for stopping by, if I knew who the storm you are, and why you bothered” – Yup, Baxter, I was thinking the same thing ;op

 

“Life is a highway” – Tom Cochrane reference!! I win, I win Is there a prize? Seriously though, I grumped about the pop culture references and how they date the story – but how many readers will get this one, do you think?       Wait, wait, ‘My Fair Lady’! – ffs, I give up, you’re a lost cause

 

SUMMATION: All the points I'm grumping about can be fixed, if you think they are problems. Most importantly, having become accustomed to his voice [Lol, back atcha’ – Ed.], I can handle Baxter now and, yes, I admit it, I'm entertained. I complained about insufficient background on the doors, but maybe it’s not background, but insufficient threat. So, I think if you [a] dialled up the threat; differentiated the voices more; and [c] showed a little more of Baxter’s vulnerability / weakness (which doesn’t convince me when you do mention it), I think you would improve the story immensely.

 

Very much looking forward to next week now, good job turning me round!

 

(P.S. I wanted the chapter to end with Kim collapsing to the ground.)

 

--------------------------------------------------------

 

I don’t know what ‘towheaded’ means and don’t have internet access.

 

Mentioning popular media (like Mockingjay) really dates your story. Imagine someone reading your book in 5 or 10 years time thinking ‘What’s Mockingjay? Is it that Gregory Peck movie?’ Consider the comparison with saying ‘cinema’.

 

“but then she emerged from the house, scowling and reluctant” – my current favourite topic is excess words, tightness / directness of writing, etc.

 

“and proceeded to stare at him” – I think.

 

Who is the jackass in her statement? I thought that was unclear.

 

“spiked with distracting heat” – I feel this is a bit confused, and the food simile is very long and a bit tiresome by the end. I want to hear about their relationship, not the lunch menu. I think it’s too much like the writing showing.

 

“the faster he could nuke”

 

“There was very little he wouldn’t give if only she would keep talking, and very little he wouldn’t do to get her to shut up so he could keep his rust straight” – Had to read this twice.

 

“Why won’t you look at me, damnation it?” – He’s driving the car!!!

 

Why would the noise hit him in the mouth? Some of these metaphors are stretched a bit thin.

 

He explains in thought why he’s taking her to see the door, but I didn’t find the explanation especially clear.

 

You talk about Kim being in harm’s way, but I don’t know enough about the doors to accept that they pose any kind of threat to her. What are their offensive capabilities? What harm can they do in the ‘real’ world?

 

Again, he thinks ‘given all the facts’ – but the reader has almost none of these facts, so we are not able to judge.

 

“Just go over it again, will you—pretty please, with nudity on top” – I think you need to be careful to avoid Kim being a copy of Baxter, i.e. speaking/acting the same way. If nothing else, it makes them hard to tell apart, but it would also be less interesting than having two different ‘voices’. Here is another example where it could be Baxter talking to himself. “Being the only unbalanced person in a relationship is hard work.” > “Crazy isn’t catching; they taught me that much in nursing school”

 

Nice description of the farmhouse and its approach.

 

“You’re still holding me to that, huh?” – I think this is the first time he’s held her to it.

 

*** “I have all the storms in the world to give once properly motivated” – I'm better tuned to Baxter’s brand of self-important shtick with this submission, but sometimes he goes too far for me. At its first, I feel it verges of homophobia. I mean this comment is so debasing of Kim. It doesn’t matter how well she knows him and therefore knows how to take this, but we don’t know him well enough yet, we haven’t seen how brittle he is, how damaged.

 

“When she attempted to free her hand from his, he clamped his fingers around hers, holding on fast” – a lot of ‘his’ and ‘hers’, awkward to read. Again “He kept her in step beside him” – awkward phrasing, I thought.

 

“alfalfa” – probably the best word in the world, you can’t say you don’t have fun saying ‘alfalfa’.

 

*** “I’d bet you a ten minute blow job she’d lose her ever loving mind if we unleashed her upon the Magic Kingdom” – Yeah, this is Baxter’s voice. No mother I can imagine says ‘daughter’ and BJ in the same sentence.

 

“The ridge lie lay just ahead of them”

 

“Ugh . Baxter, how can you just keep forgetting? What else can’t you remember?” – I don’t understand what she means here.

 

Why does the sound spread over his tongue when she’s speaking? It’s similar to the confusion of senses I noted earlier.

 

“The night air took on a dream’s surreal quality” – nice line, but I go back to my earlier point about being disoriented about what time of day it was. A couple more tags along the way would have been useful to me.

 

*** “So, how ‘bout it, Scrooge McDuck” – You’re doing it again. Everyone in this story seems to talk the same way.

 

“He casted about for a reply”

 

“an ice pick to the hindbrain” – great phrase.

Edited February 20, 2016 by Robinski

[Marci]

Thanks so much for reading again this week, Robinski!

 

Finally got around to finishing reviewing, sorry, crazy week, Glasgow Film Festival at the moment, three great films yesterday, two more today, three tomorrow, etc. Anyway – huge digression, sorry.

 

Luckyyyyy! Your week > My week. 

 

 

I was more comfortable with Baxter and his verbal gymnastics this week. I'm starting to get into it, but I had some issues the exchanges between him and Kim. I’ve tagged the detail below (***), but my problems are twofold (1) that they sound alike, which I can understand to some degree, but holds danger for the reader in differentiating and risks having too few tones in the dialogue [And there’s another one. The operative possessing Kim speaks the same way too! – Ed.];

 

Heh. Kim and Baxter are friends first and foremost. They were friends before they hooked up, and even after Kim kicks Baxter to the curb in a romantic sense, they're still friends. The alien entity and Baxter were, at one point, the very best of friends, as well. These folks have a unique way of speaking to each other.

 

 

and (2) certain comments that he makes to / about Kim are hugely debasing and disrespectful.

 

I do see where you're coming from. Half of that is immature Baxter-speak, and the other half is sarcasm. Kim wouldn't let him get away with it if he really meant the crap he spouts.

 

 

If he loves her as much as he professes (I think he professed), I find this very hard to believe even, in fact especially, in his (supposedly) vulnerable state. Also, in passing, I'm not seeing enough of his vulnerability to buy it. I'm still thinking he’s mostly a potty-mouthed pain in the chull. I’d say I was 80/20 towards PMPITA at this point.

 

Yep. Baxter loves Kim to the point of obsession. He's also a self-centered jerk, and never quite evolved emotionally past the age of 18. The relationship between he and Kim is long and complicated, however. They were together for the first five years of their daughter's life. Then Kim up and bought a house on the other side of town without informing him, and abruptly moved out of his place, taking their child with her. On top of that, she started seeing other people, which devastated him. He never understood why, or what happened to end their relationship in the first place. From his point of view, Kim is often being manipulative and unfeeling toward him. Having her cake, and eating it, too, in other words. But he's willing to be her doormat, to a point, if it means being with her.

 

The biggest problem in their relationship? They don't communicate effectively. There's a lot of misunderstanding between them, and his cognitive issues don't help things. Also, he hides behind humor and sarcasm, and that crap gets super annoying (as y'all have already pointed out). My husband and I are both guilty of this, so I'm sure you can imagine how irritating we are when we're in the same room together, especially when there's an audience.

 

 

At the end of Part 2, I'm really confused. Kim’s fall seems contrived and now she’s speaking nonsense? Part of my difficulty is that I don’t know enough about the doors. I think there is a bit too much smart-mouthing for the amount of mythos I got to make me interested in the doors. I’ve read the last line several times and I guess maybe Kim knows more than has been revealed to us. If Baxter knew this and didn’t tell us I shall be mightily put out...(enters Part 3)

 

This is the first time Baxter mentioned the doors to Kim. He's only had a handful of interactions with the doors recently as an adult. So, neither knew what was coming. She's seen plenty of his weirdness... Breaking things, forgetting, talking his way out of trouble, conversing with the animal/vegetable/mineral kingdoms, and otherwise being a space cadet. She's also been in his head a couple of times in the past, which you can imagine was unpleasant for her, so while she understands the entity possessing her is acting independently from Baxter, and a woman, to boot, she doesn't know how to think or feel about what happened. Part of her thinks he knew, but put her in that situation anyway.

 

Really, all Baxter wanted was for her to see the door, because seeing is believing. He wasn't hallucinating, he wasn't making things up, what was happening to him was real, and he needed her not only to understand what he was going through, but also to remind him, keep talking about it, because the moment he gets distracted he forgets the doors exist. Like I said before, his amnesia is specific.

 

 

Okay, I admit it; I like the ‘alien’ inhabitation angle. Works well apart from the tone of the interloper’s voice (see above). I say again though, I feel that lack of a reason for this stuff happening, and I’ve learned very little from the encounter. “I’d thank you for stopping by, if I knew who the storm you are, and why you bothered” – Yup, Baxter, I was thinking the same thing ;op

 

 This scene sets up the angst to come, but the entity's visit is also a bit of a red herring. Sorry. 

 

 

“Life is a highway” – Tom Cochrane reference!! I win, I win Is there a prize? Seriously though, I grumped about the pop culture references and how they date the story – but how many readers will get this one, do you think?       Wait, wait, ‘My Fair Lady’! – ffs, I give up, you’re a lost cause

 

I'm not really worried so much about dating the story in this case. Baxter and the entity are Gen Xers (yes, barely, I know), and very much products of their environment. Besides, I'm having too much fun with the references to stop including them entirely.

 

 

SUMMATION: All the points I'm grumping about can be fixed, if you think they are problems. Most importantly, having become accustomed to his voice [Lol, back atcha’ – Ed.], I can handle Baxter now and, yes, I admit it, I'm entertained. I complained about insufficient background on the doors, but maybe it’s not background, but insufficient threat. So, I think if you [a] dialled up the threat; differentiated the voices more; and [c] showed a little more of Baxter’s vulnerability / weakness (which doesn’t convince me when you do mention it), I think you would improve the story immensely.

 

Thanks for this feedback. I will work on the threat angle, because it's definitely there, but perhaps because the entity is nuttier than Baxter, and cracking jokes the entire time, it doesn't come across well at all. The dude will get his tail handed to him, trust me.

 

 

Very much looking forward to next week now, good job turning me round!

 

Yay! \o/

 

 

(P.S. I wanted the chapter to end with Kim collapsing to the ground.)

 

I'm shifting the chapter structure around, as you probably noticed when I posted the next part yesterday. 10K word chapters are a PITA.

 

--------------------------------------------------------

 

I don’t know what ‘towheaded’ means and don’t have internet access.

 

Fancy way of saying blonde.

 

 

Mentioning popular media (like Mockingjay) really dates your story. Imagine someone reading your book in 5 or 10 years time thinking ‘What’s Mockingjay? Is it that Gregory Peck movie?’ Consider the comparison with saying ‘cinema’.

 

Thanks, good point. I moved the timeline up a little, in any case, so this would've caused a continuity issue.

 

 

“but then she emerged from the house, scowling and reluctant” – my current favourite topic is excess words, tightness / directness of writing, etc.

 

Thanks! I'll keep working on tightening up my prose!

 

 

You talk about Kim being in harm’s way, but I don’t know enough about the doors to accept that they pose any kind of threat to her. What are their offensive capabilities? What harm can they do in the ‘real’ world?

 

Baxter's worried here that something out of his control might happen where the door is concerned, but he doesn't know for sure.

 

 

*** “I have all the storms in the world to give once properly motivated” – I'm better tuned to Baxter’s brand of self-important shtick with this submission, but sometimes he goes too far for me. At its first, I feel it verges of homophobia. I mean this comment is so debasing of Kim. It doesn’t matter how well she knows him and therefore knows how to take this, but we don’t know him well enough yet, we haven’t seen how brittle he is, how damaged.

 

LOL! Dude, Baxter may say inappropriate things sometimes in the company of close friends and family, but he's the furthest thing from a bigot. He and Kim first met at a political rally in downtown Fort Wayne, protesting discrimination. They're both tree-hugging democratic socialist hippies, and kind of insufferable and in-your-face about it.

 

 

“alfalfa” – probably the best word in the world, you can’t say you don’t have fun saying ‘alfalfa’.

 

Indeed! Alfalfa is a pretty darn cool plant, to boot! They come with their own nitrogen factories!

 

 

*** “I’d bet you a ten minute blow job she’d lose her ever loving mind if we unleashed her upon the Magic Kingdom” – Yeah, this is Baxter’s voice. No mother I can imagine says ‘daughter’ and BJ in the same sentence.

 

LOL! So says you. But, yes, I see how you would think that. Like I said, Kim and Baxter have their own language.

 

 

Why does the sound spread over his tongue when she’s speaking? It’s similar to the confusion of senses I noted earlier.

 

He has synesthesia. He associates tastes and colors with sounds.

 

 

“an ice pick to the hindbrain” – great phrase.

 

Thanks! I always liked that one, too! Sometimes I pleasantly surprise myself. 

 

Keep the comments coming, man. I love 'em! You're not overwhelming me at all. In fact, you've helped point me in several great directions on how to expand on certain aspects of the story, while tightening up others. Much, MUCH appreciated! 

Edited February 25, 2016 by Marci