Time, Reflections, Grief, Time, Anxiety, Lost

[Medium]

Written in two separate mad writing frenzies, split up across about a month, in a flurry of writing and feelings.

I just finished it. I'm breathing hard.

Written by me, infused with my feelings, showing my fantasies, my anxieties, my pains, my sorrows.

My Time served to the pain.

My Reflections of who I am.

My Grief of my loss.

My Time in reflection.

My Anxiety of my life.

My Lost.

Part I

Spoiler

Whirling and twirling, around and around, spins the eye of the storm.

And yet, through the chaos, through the ever present walls of cloud and death,

There is calm.

This small sliver of space, this sliver of time, is quiet.

The muffled roar of the raging storm around me is but white noise for the sheer silence surrounding my body.

Through this storm have I gained knowledge.

But at the cost of much that I hold dear. My love, my life, and my liberty.

Freedoms, friends, and family.

So much happening, in so little time. The whirling and twirling of the storm, the raging tempest of the eternal knowledge that fills the gaps in my spirit where once there was peace, love, and openness.

How have I become this way? How have I managed to fall so far, yet climb so high?

How have I managed to become the very thing I once would have denounced?

I have become… a monster, haven’t I?

A creation so abysmal, so wrong, so terrible, that even in this storm, even in this eye I feel the Eye watching me.

Watching to see what I will do now that the First Wall has passed, and I am in the eye, and as the Second Wall approaches.

I look out, out at the Second Wall, see its gray ferocity, its raging silver spears of raindrops approaching. 

The First Wall took what I had.

Will the Second Wall show me what I could have? Show me what I had, if I had not gone into the storm?

What will I see?

What will I become?

A shout fills the air; my own.

The Second Wall, with its shimmering silver spears of water, takes me.

And my eyes are opened.

Part II

Spoiler

There is so much here to see.

The raindrops come down in such ferocity, it is as if there is a mirror in front of me. A massive flat sheet of water so perfect it reflects everything back.

I see myself.

Battered, bruised by the storm.

And I see the people I’ve lost.

Battered, bruised by me leaving.

The Second Wall shows me what I had.

In its reflections, I see the taunting images of what I had, what I could have kept, had I not gone down this abysmal path of death and knowledge and power.

The view shifts back to me, and I see myself.

Whole.

Powerful.

Clean.

But also,

Broken.

Powerless.

Dirty.

I see a monster, in this reflection, a demonic, terrifying creation of the storm, of what has been made this day by the hands of the most powerful instance on this planet.

I shout, punching the wall of water. It shivers, the water flowing down around my hand. When I remove my hand, the water returns to its shimmering mirror state.

I scream at it.

At the storm.

At the Gods that dared give me such knowledge and power at this price.

My reflections are too painful to see.

Part III

Spoiler

I sit, breathing raggedly. The storm has passed; it ended some time ago. Leaving me here.

With my grief.

And agony.

And my torment.

Curse these Gods. Curse Them and their intervening, manipulative, greed-filled ways.

Tears stream down my rain soaked cheeks.

Flashes of people dance in my mind.

I hiss out another breath, then another, over and over, because it’s the only thing keeping me sane in any way at all.

I open my mouth, wanting to scream, but my voice is so broken now. All that comes out is a whimper.

And it sounds… pathetic.

Pathetic, and sad, and grief-filled.

Like me.

I look up at the sky, not caring of the pain that it causes my eyes with its brightness.

I raise a fist to the sky, slowly. And then,

It falls back down.

I’m simply too tired. Too full of grief.

To do anything.

Anything at all.

Gods above…

I just want to rest.

I just want to be left alone, without pain or torment.

Is that too much to ask?

Part IV

Spoiler

I blink once or twice, and then my surroundings vanish.

And it is dark.

And black.

And vast.

So, so vast.

I breathe out an awestruck breath, before a being in white appears in front of me.

One of Them… the Gods.

I immediately hurl myself at Them, but an invisible force restrains me.

“Curse you!” I shout, although it sounds more like a croak, “Look upon me! Look at what you have made! Are you yet satisfied, wretched being?”

The God simply… watches me.

“Answer me!” I shout again.

“No.” They say simply.

I blink in shock. No? How no? They’ve done so much to me… tormented me beyond even what I thought possible.

Taken everything away, and then some.

“How?” I croak.

“We are not done with you.” They say, “Your journey is not complete. More time is needed. Time to progress.”

Anger bubbles up like bile in my throat.

“No!” I scream, despite how weak it sounds, “No more!”

I struggle against my invisible bonds for a time, shouting, before I begin to tire.

“No… no more,” I mutter, sagging in my bonds.

“Please…” I whisper.

“We are sorry,” The God says,” You need more time.”

“Damn you,” I whisper.

Part V

Spoiler

I open my eyes and begin to scream.

It hurts so bad.

The pain racks every single cell in my body.

It is not physical pain. It is all in my head, and also all over my body.

I remember my interaction in the void.

With the God.

Damn Them! Damn Them and their kind, cursing me with this torment.

What journey must I go through?

Where and when does this all end?

When can I rest? When can I be whole?

What will happen then, when the pain is gone? Will They find some new way to torment me?

I scream again, power flowing into and out of me as I scream.

It hurts. I would curse by Their names, but They are not worthy of such an acknowledgement.

The pain subsides, momentarily, and I catch my breath. I’m breathing too fast, I know it.

But I cannot slow it.

I cannot recover. They will not let me.

They never will.

They never have.

I’ve been doomed to this eternal journey of death, agony, sorrow, grief, and anxiety.

The anxiety.

Oh, the anxiety.

Rushing through my brain as if a dam had burst out upon it.

Thoughts, feelings, scenarios, agonizingly vivid scenes that play out, more painful than anything I feel now.

How must They feel… now that They’ve surely won.

Curse them.

The pain comes back, with a vengeance, and begins to ramp up.

My back arches.

I scream, and begin to fade from consciousness.

And then I am gone.

Part VI

Spoiler

Painless.

That’s what I feel.

Have the Gods finally decided to let me be? Have They finally allowed me rest? Peace?

The thought sends tears to my eyes. Why, I do not know. Relief that it’s over, anxiety that they may return, fear that it’s fake.

How They love to torment me… surely this is another of Their tricks. Surely, They will return.

I may be lost…

It’s white.

This expanse. This vast empty.

It’s white.

Perhaps… Perhaps I have been allowed to move on.

Perhaps They are finally done.

It is not possible.

But is it so?

A brighter figure permeates the expanse around me.

Them.

One of Them.

They stare at me.

I stare at Them.

They look at me.

I look at Them.

They nod.

I glare.

Then, They vanish.

And I am left lost.

Lost in this expanse of white and empty and nothing.

Lost,

But free.

Lost,

But painless.

Is…

Is it over?

I believe it is.

 

[The Wandering Wizard]

I feel your soul in this Calano, thank you for it.

[Edema Rue]

Wow. That is beautiful writing, and tells a beautiful, heart-wrenching truth. Thank you.

[Cinnamon]

This is beautiful and terrible for making my heartstrings sing in pain, but mostly it filled me with hope for overcoming my own anxieties. Thank you Calano

Edited April 14, 2023 by Cinnamon

[Morningtide]

This is absolutely spectacular writing! Thank you for writing it.