Help! Critiques Needed!!!

[Kajsa]

Calling all Reckoners fans!

Hello, I'm Kajsa (KAY-sa)!!! I'm entering a local writing contest, and my entry is based off of Megan from the Reckoners!

I have an idea of what I'm writing, but I need to beef it up by 559 words. Suggestions and critiques are so helpful! I would love to know what to add for more content!!! (Also, this is taking place right before the climax of Steelheart. This contains some mild Steelheart spoilers. Do not suggest anything that has spoilers either! I haven't finished reading the series myself, haha. Thanks!!!)

So, please enjoy, and don't be afraid to offer feedback! It is so helpful and crucial to this process!!!! Thank you so much, friends!!!

Spoiler

Also, this isn't completely accurate, since she technically doesn't remember who David is after she reincarnates, but I had to make it this way for it to work!

Spoiler

A gilded crimson blaze flares across my palm. I stare at the flickering light, but my mind is not with the illusion.

I can’t believe this. I’m supposed to be preparing to protect Steelheart, the guy who I was supposed to be working for the whole time, right? But all I can think about is the Epic nerd from Newcago who sucks at metaphors. Like, really sucks.

I see him so clearly–he’s wearing the same ugly heather blue T-shirt he’s worn forever; his obsessed-over, brand-new, black leather Reckoner jacket; and those extremely unattractive cargo pants (though of course he’d wear them. Nerd).

But above all, I can see that I miss him. Which bugs me.

I flick a few of my fingers, and the fire, in turn, leaps.

Who am I kidding? This is stupid. They’ll be at Soldier Field when dawn breaks, and Steelheart wants me there to take them out. Piece of pie, right?

I scoff, snuffing the illusory fire in my palm with a whoosh and start for the door, strapping my mobile to my arm and reaching for my jacket.

I guess it’s time to finish this.

 

 

Thank you so much, friend, for reading this! I can't wait to hear your feedback on it!!! Love y'all to pieces!!

-KajsaDiya

Edited January 27, 2023 by Kajsa :)

[Wittles]

4 hours ago, Kajsa said:

Calling all Reckoners fans!

Hello, I'm Kajsa (KAY-sa)!!! I'm entering a local writing contest, and my entry is based off of Megan from the Reckoners!

I have an idea of what I'm writing, but I need to beef it up by 559 words. Suggestions and critiques are so helpful! I would love to know what to add for more content!!! (Also, this is taking place right before the climax of Steelheart. This contains some mild Steelheart spoilers. Do not suggest anything that has spoilers either! I haven't finished reading the series myself, haha. Thanks!!!)

So, please enjoy, and don't be afraid to offer feedback! It is so helpful and crucial to this process!!!! Thank you so much, friends!!!

  Reveal hidden contents

Also, this isn't completely accurate, since she technically doesn't remember who David is after she reincarnates, but I had to make it this way for it to work!

  Reveal hidden contents

A gilded crimson blaze flares across my palm. I stare at the flickering light, but my mind is not with the illusion.

I can’t believe this. I’m supposed to be preparing to protect Steelheart, the guy who I was supposed to be working for the whole time, right? But all I can think about is the Epic nerd from Newcago who sucks at metaphors. Like, really sucks.

I see him so clearly–he’s wearing the same ugly heather blue T-shirt he’s worn forever; his obsessed-over, brand-new, black leather Reckoner jacket; and those extremely unattractive cargo pants (though of course he’d wear them. Nerd).

But above all, I can see that I miss him. Which bugs me.

I flick a few of my fingers, and the fire, in turn, leaps.

Who am I kidding? This is stupid. They’ll be at Soldier Field when dawn breaks, and Steelheart wants me there to take them out. Piece of pie, right?

I scoff, snuffing the illusory fire in my palm with a whoosh and start for the door, strapping my mobile to my arm and reaching for my jacket.

I guess it’s time to finish this.

 

 

Thank you so much, friend, for reading this! I can't wait to hear your feedback on it!!! Love y'all to pieces!!

-KajsaDiya

I love it! Megan is a great character, and it's always great to see even a bit more of her in any story. Good job  

[Returned]

I like it a lot as a setup for the rest, and the colloquial way Megan speaks to herself feels natural and fluid. I think you can make good use of the remaining 559 words, (what a frustrating number to work with!). Given that that will still leave this as a relatively short piece set towards the end of a novel, I think that they'd be best used providing a little bit of background to express the scenario and stakes (a small portion of the 559) and the rest heightening the conflict Megan is dealing with.

Depending on the contest the reader may not be familiar with Steelheart, in which case something like an "Epic nerd" might come across as a typo instead of a very succinct description. Even a single line which clarifies that Epics are superpowered humans, and that Megan is one of them, will help someone who doesn't know the books to understand. If it fits what you want to express, underlining that David is opposed to Epics generally or Steelheart specifically might also be worthwhile-- making clear that Megan isn't instructed to murder some passerby but has a role to play in a high-stakes contest can make Megan's inner conflict more well-rounded. You wouldn't need too many words to set that up if you want to keep the focus on Megan and her (nascent) struggle (which I think is a good idea, from what's written so far).

Since 559 words isn't all that many to work with I think that it might be an effective use of them to make the scene more immersive and descriptive. Where is Megan, what kinds of things surround her there, and how would someone with her attitude in her mental state perceive them? How can your descriptions of those things move the reader to feel the similarly to her, to enhance her inner narration? A maximum addition of fewer than 600 words can get used up in a flash, so I probably wouldn't try to insert details to make the scene more complex, even avoiding things like similes, but would instead try to deepen the tone and mood of what's already there with every sentence. All subject to your style, voice, and preferences, of course.

You've got a strong base already, and have chosen a really good point in the narrative to work with Megan in an interesting way, so I'm excited to see the final product!

[Kajsa]

22 hours ago, Returned said:

I like it a lot as a setup for the rest, and the colloquial way Megan speaks to herself feels natural and fluid. I think you can make good use of the remaining 559 words, (what a frustrating number to work with!). Given that that will still leave this as a relatively short piece set towards the end of a novel, I think that they'd be best used providing a little bit of background to express the scenario and stakes (a small portion of the 559) and the rest heightening the conflict Megan is dealing with.

Depending on the contest the reader may not be familiar with Steelheart, in which case something like an "Epic nerd" might come across as a typo instead of a very succinct description. Even a single line which clarifies that Epics are superpowered humans, and that Megan is one of them, will help someone who doesn't know the books to understand. If it fits what you want to express, underlining that David is opposed to Epics generally or Steelheart specifically might also be worthwhile-- making clear that Megan isn't instructed to murder some passerby but has a role to play in a high-stakes contest can make Megan's inner conflict more well-rounded. You wouldn't need too many words to set that up if you want to keep the focus on Megan and her (nascent) struggle (which I think is a good idea, from what's written so far).

Since 559 words isn't all that many to work with I think that it might be an effective use of them to make the scene more immersive and descriptive. Where is Megan, what kinds of things surround her there, and how would someone with her attitude in her mental state perceive them? How can your descriptions of those things move the reader to feel the similarly to her, to enhance her inner narration? A maximum addition of fewer than 600 words can get used up in a flash, so I probably wouldn't try to insert details to make the scene more complex, even avoiding things like similes, but would instead try to deepen the tone and mood of what's already there with every sentence. All subject to your style, voice, and preferences, of course.

You've got a strong base already, and have chosen a really good point in the narrative to work with Megan in an interesting way, so I'm excited to see the final product!

Thank you SO MUCH, @Returned!!!! This was more helpful than anything I could've hoped. I'll get to work and let you know when I finish!!! Thanks again!!!! <3  

[Kajsa]

Alright. I'm back.

I need help going over this. My brain's fried and it's not taking in anything I write--NOT good for revising or editing. - _ -

I have 261 words left.

 

 

A gilded crimson blaze flares across my palm. I stare at the flickering light, but my mind is not with the illusion.

My heart is pounding hard.

I can’t believe this. 

I’m supposed to be preparing to protect Steelheart, the guy I was supposed to be working for the whole time, right? But all I can think about is the Epic nerd from Newcago who sucks at metaphors. Like, really sucks.

I can see him so clearly–he’s wearing the same ugly heather blue T-shirt he’s worn forever; his obsessed-over, brand-new, black leather Reckoner jacket; his worn rifle slung over his shoulder; and those extremely unattractive cargo pants (though of course he’d wear them. Nerd). 

But above all, I can see that I miss him. Which bugs me. Because as soon as he knows I’m an Epic, as soon as he knows I have the powers that turn us all malevolent… I think he’d hate me. 

I make the fire burn brighter, reminding myself that I’m not supposed to care about him–I’m supposed to hate him. Supposed to kill him.

But… he did say he was in love with me the day I died.

I flick a few of my fingers, and the fire, in turn, leaps.

Who am I kidding? This is stupid. The Reckoners will be at Soldier Field when dawn breaks to assassinate Steelheart, which, for the sake of Newcago, is the last thing we need. The economy will collapse, and so will the government. 

I just wish David would see it that way.

But no, he wants to avenge his father who died at Steelheart’s hand. Not that that’s bad. It’s just…

I don’t think he gets how many people’s dads have died because of Epics. It’s not like he’s some special chosen one who’s going to kill Steelheart and gain glory for it just because he spent the last ten years of his life reading encyclopedias–for fun–to gain any knowledge about Epics he could, so he could swoop in at the last second and “save the world”.

Good. This is good–I’m getting myself ready to fight him. I have to stay mad.

I scoff just for good measure, snuffing the illusory fire in my palm with a whoosh and start for the door, strapping my mobile to my arm and reaching for my red Reckoner jacket.

Huh. Didn’t know I still had it.

I shake my head. No. Stay mad. 

I don’t want this jacket. It fits all wrong, and the color’s too bright in my dusty, dark, dirty (not to mention damaged–nothing works in here) overstreet apartment. 

Okay.

Well.

It was worth a shot. 

The best I can do is pull on the jacket anyway and glower as I lock my shiny steel door, keeping my head low and my scowl painted on my face as I jog across the street, my hands lingering near my holsters.

I guess it’s time to finish this.

[Returned]

I like the new additions! Burnout is always tough, but I'm sure you'll manage. 261 words is still a substantial number, but there is enough on the page now that it might be time for the red editing pen before starting to deplete them. Editing is also usually easier than writing new material, so it might be a good break as well.

The piece has a lot more depth now, along with enough information for any reader to be able to appreciate both the broader setting and Megan's immediate struggle. I particularly like the linking of the Reckoner's jackets through mentioning David's and, later, Megan's resistance to her own. The only section that I might adjust on this front is "the powers that turn us all malevolent", which may be a good spot to use some of the extra available words: "turn us all malevolent" could be made a little bit clearer that it's about Epics (though I think the reader will understand anyways), and is also a really good opportunity to express more about Megan's difficulties and mindset. For example, it would be interesting if there were a subtle, though noticeable, change in Megan's thinking as she uses her powers.

There are a lot of ways that something like this might be expressed, and this particular one may not suit what you want to show. But my read of the theme is that Megan is pitted against David in every way except for her human emotions. Duty to Steelheart, David's determined opposition to Epics, and Epic powers damaging the less malevolent human bonds like the one Megan has started to develop for David.

The overall cadence is good too (that's always one of my personal issues when I'm trying to push through a block to write more), but individual sentences are starting to get overstuffed. Some are definitely defensible even while long (the second-to-last line is an example of this, giving a good stream-of-consciousness vibe while still being easy to follow). But the sentence that starts with "I scoff" is a run-on: it has too many discrete actions with little relation to each other. Some of it can be lifted out into other sentences, allowing tighter focus for each piece and a more fluid combination. It's hard to balance an inner monologue featuring a strong character voice and more focused prose for a reader, but I think that the piece in general would benefit from having some (not all!) of those longer sentences be broken up.

As ever, the editing process is about tightening focus, so as you review I think it's a good idea to evaluate how much each line contributes to your aims and how they might better do so. The piece is already strong, so I think you'll have a relatively easy time polishing it up. That will in turn make it easier to find good uses for any remaining words, or make you feel more confident that you don't need them all.

[Kajsa]

20 hours ago, Returned said:

I like the new additions! Burnout is always tough, but I'm sure you'll manage. 261 words is still a substantial number, but there is enough on the page now that it might be time for the red editing pen before starting to deplete them. Editing is also usually easier than writing new material, so it might be a good break as well.

The piece has a lot more depth now, along with enough information for any reader to be able to appreciate both the broader setting and Megan's immediate struggle. I particularly like the linking of the Reckoner's jackets through mentioning David's and, later, Megan's resistance to her own. The only section that I might adjust on this front is "the powers that turn us all malevolent", which may be a good spot to use some of the extra available words: "turn us all malevolent" could be made a little bit clearer that it's about Epics (though I think the reader will understand anyways), and is also a really good opportunity to express more about Megan's difficulties and mindset. For example, it would be interesting if there were a subtle, though noticeable, change in Megan's thinking as she uses her powers.

There are a lot of ways that something like this might be expressed, and this particular one may not suit what you want to show. But my read of the theme is that Megan is pitted against David in every way except for her human emotions. Duty to Steelheart, David's determined opposition to Epics, and Epic powers damaging the less malevolent human bonds like the one Megan has started to develop for David.

The overall cadence is good too (that's always one of my personal issues when I'm trying to push through a block to write more), but individual sentences are starting to get overstuffed. Some are definitely defensible even while long (the second-to-last line is an example of this, giving a good stream-of-consciousness vibe while still being easy to follow). But the sentence that starts with "I scoff" is a run-on: it has too many discrete actions with little relation to each other. Some of it can be lifted out into other sentences, allowing tighter focus for each piece and a more fluid combination. It's hard to balance an inner monologue featuring a strong character voice and more focused prose for a reader, but I think that the piece in general would benefit from having some (not all!) of those longer sentences be broken up.

As ever, the editing process is about tightening focus, so as you review I think it's a good idea to evaluate how much each line contributes to your aims and how they might better do so. The piece is already strong, so I think you'll have a relatively easy time polishing it up. That will in turn make it easier to find good uses for any remaining words, or make you feel more confident that you don't need them all.

Your feedback is so incredibly valuable. Thank you so much! I feel like I should send you some cookies or something, haha. 

I have a free period at school, so I'm going to work on this now. Again, thank you SO MUCH!!!!

[Kajsa]

Here are the edits I was able to make. I think it looks alright.

Spoiler

A bloodred crimson blaze flares across my palm. I stare at the flickering light, but my mind is not with the illusion.

My heart is pounding hard.

I can’t believe this. 

I’m supposed to be preparing to protect Steelheart, the Epic I was supposed to be working for the whole time, right? But all I can think about is the Epic nerd from Newcago who sucks at metaphors. Like, really sucks.

I can see him so clearly–he’s wearing the same ugly heather blue T-shirt he’s worn forever; his obsessed-over, brand-new, black leather Reckoner jacket; his worn rifle slung over his shoulder; and those extremely unattractive cargo pants (though of course he’d wear them. Nerd). 

But above all, I can see that I miss him. Every small detail of his face, of the way he moves, makes me miss him. Which bugs me, because as soon as he knows I’m one of them, as soon as he knows I possess the powers that turn us Epics malevolent… I know he’d hate me.

I watch the flames dance on my skin, reminding myself that I’m not supposed to care about him–I’m supposed to hate him. 

Supposed to kill him. 

But… he did say he was in love with me the day I died.

I flick a few of my fingers, and the fire, in turn, leaps. I let it burn brighter, and my anger grows hotter.

Really, Megan? Seriously? This is stupid. The Reckoners will be at Soldier Field to assassinate Steelheart when dawn breaks, which, for the sake of Newcago, is the last thing we need. The economy will collapse, and so will the government. 

I just wish David would see it that way.

But no, he wants to avenge his father who died at Steelheart’s hand. Not that that’s bad. It’s just…

I don’t think he gets how many people’s dads have died because of Epics. It’s not like he’s some special chosen one who’s going to kill Steelheart and gain glory for it just because he spent the last ten years of his life studying Epics so he could swoop in at the last second and “save the world”.

Good. This is good–I’m getting myself ready to fight him. I have to stay mad.

I throw the last of my sensitivity towards David and the others into my little fire. I can almost smell it burning, blackening.

And then I snuff it out, though the flames inside me burn hotter than ever. 

I rise from my chair, accidentally bumping the table with my knee, knocking over my glass of lemonade.

Not staying to clean it up, I start for the door, strapping my mobile to my arm and reaching for my red Reckoner jacket.

Huh. I didn’t know I still had it.

I thought I’d thrown it out.

I don’t want it anymore.

It fits all wrong, and the color’s too bright in my dusty, dark, dirty (not to mention damaged) overstreet apartment. Besides, it reminds me of the Reckoners too much.

Maybe I can use it. Maybe when I look at the bright red fabric, I’ll think of fire.

Firefight.

Maybe when I look at it, I’ll see them burn, just like they burned me.

My mind is pleased with the compromise, but my heart still beats unsteadily.

Come on, Megan.

I pull on the jacket anyway because it’s the only one I have and glower as I lock my shiny steel door. Keeping my head low and my scowl painted on my face, I jog across the street, my hands lingering near my holsters, ready to react.

I guess it’s time to finish this.

This added a hundred or so words, so I have 143 left to work with (though I don't have to use them if I don't want to). Your help so far has been invaluable, @Returned!!! I cannot thank you enough.  

[Returned]

Fantastic, it's really come along nicely! When I saw all of the line breaks I was apprehensive, but after reading it I think that that structure really works. It gives me the impression of a staccato, rapid-fire train of thought wrapping around Megan's emotional struggle. It's great! It's nice to have the extra words as breathing room for any more adjustments you'd like to make. But the piece is pretty well streamlined and focused as it is, so I'd be careful about adding much new content that you won't have enough space to flesh out-- diluting focus will tend to make the piece feel more bloated and less impactful.

As ever, with each editing pass we get to more nit-picky details which lean more towards style and choice than anything else. So please feel free to ignore my suggestions below if they pull the piece away from what you want it to be.

4 hours ago, Kajsa said:

A bloodred crimson blaze flares across my palm.

I think that "bloodred" and "crimson" are repetitive here, and slightly at odds with each other. I would keep one or the other. If you really want both, using one of them elsewhere in the piece is probably better than keeping both here or trying to describe the flame with both in the same paragraph.

4 hours ago, Kajsa said:

But above all, I can see that I miss him. Every small detail of his face, of the way he moves, makes me miss him.

I like the repetition of "miss" in this line, but since Megan's feelings are driven by recalling David (rather than seeing him) a couple of words to that effect might be helpful. Along with something describing that she is involuntarily remembering him or that she expects/worries that the feelings will surge when she sees him again at Soldier Field (or both!). As currently written the line is more suggestive of a problem that occurs for Megan when she's around him, which isn't quite the case here. Since memories and expectations are seated firmly in Megan's mind, rather than an objective circumstance in which she sees David, there is an opportunity here to further underline Megan's internal state. And as that is what really drives the piece (as I read it, at least), I think that it would be a good opportunity to make use of.

4 hours ago, Kajsa said:

It’s not like he’s some special chosen one who’s going to kill Steelheart and gain glory for it just because he spent the last ten years of his life studying Epics so he could swoop in at the last second and “save the world”.

This sentence is a run on (which is fine for the style and subject), but it's overstuffed. There are enough changes in topic and temporal focus (what David is, what he wants, what he's spent the last ten years doing, what he's going to do now, and why he's going to do it) that it becomes a little bit awkward to follow. I think that you can address this with punctuation (a comma after "for it", maybe), or possibly breaking the sentence up. If you do the latter I'd try to keep the sentences slightly incomplete, like dependent clauses, to keep up the breathless rhythm that the current sentence has.

4 hours ago, Kajsa said:

I can almost smell it burning, blackening.

I like this line, but smell doesn't link to blackening very cleanly. Adjusting it to "see it blackening", "practically see it blackening", or something similar might be worthwhile. It's not a big issue either way, even leaving it as it is, just something I noticed as I was reading.

4 hours ago, Kajsa said:

Huh. I didn’t know I still had it.

I thought I’d thrown it out.

I'd put these together on the same line as they are elements of the same thought. Doing so makes the next line, "I don't want it any more", stand out more strongly.

4 hours ago, Kajsa said:

Firefight.

This is a great inclusion but won't be clear to someone who hasn't already read Steelheart. At minimum I would change it to something like "Firefight. Me." This feels like a key moment that expresses the tension between Megan and Firefight, the person that loves David and the Epic that can't abide him, and the choice she's making between two mutually exclusive options (as she thinks of them in that moment). I would be careful expanding this section too much more, since it's so expressive and dramatic as a succinct item in the midst of Megan's stream of consciousness.

 

Edited January 30, 2023 by Returned

[Kajsa]

3 hours ago, Returned said:

I think that "bloodred" and "crimson" are repetitive here, and slightly at odds with each other. I would keep one or the other. If you really want both, using one of them elsewhere in the piece is probably better than keeping both here or trying to describe the flame with both in the same paragraph.

Perfect. 
I didn't like the "gilded" adjective, so I'm just going to take both options out and leave it at "A crimson blaze".

3 hours ago, Returned said:

I like the repetition of "miss" in this line, but since Megan's feelings are driven by recalling David (rather than seeing him) a couple of words to that effect might be helpful. Along with something describing that she is involuntarily remembering him or that she expects/worries that the feelings will surge when she sees him again at Soldier Field (or both!). As currently written the line is more suggestive of a problem that occurs for Megan when she's around him, which isn't quite the case here. Since memories and expectations are seated firmly in Megan's mind, rather than an objective circumstance in which she sees David, there is an opportunity here to further underline Megan's internal state. And as that is what really drives the piece (as I read it, at least), I think that it would be a good opportunity to make use of.

I did my best to work with this, though I feel like I could do a bit better of a job with hinting that she "expects/worries that the feelings will surge". I do want to hint at it, but I'm not sure how to work it in yet. Any suggestions?

3 hours ago, Returned said:

This sentence is a run on (which is fine for the style and subject), but it's overstuffed. There are enough changes in topic and temporal focus (what David is, what he wants, what he's spent the last ten years doing, what he's going to do now, and why he's going to do it) that it becomes a little bit awkward to follow. I think that you can address this with punctuation (a comma after "for it", maybe), or possibly breaking the sentence up. If you do the latter I'd try to keep the sentences slightly incomplete, like dependent clauses, to keep up the breathless rhythm that the current sentence has.

I did my best to unpack and sort out this sentence better. I wasn't able to maintain the breathless tone very well, sadly, but I think it's a lot easier to follow now.

3 hours ago, Returned said:

I'd put these together on the same line as they are elements of the same thought. Doing so makes the next line, "I don't want it any more", stand out more strongly.

Good point! Done!

3 hours ago, Returned said:

This is a great inclusion but won't be clear to someone who hasn't already read Steelheart. At minimum I would change it to something like "Firefight. Me." This feels like a key moment that expresses the tension between Megan and Firefight, the person that loves David and the Epic can't abide him, and the choice she's making between two mutually exclusive options (as she thinks of them in that moment). I would be careful expanding this section too much more, since it's so expressive and dramatic as a succinct item in the midst of Megan's stream of consciousness.

Why isn't there a thumbs-up emoticon? Hmm.

 

 

As ever, thank you so so so much for your help. Here are the edits:

Spoiler

A crimson blaze flares across my palm. I stare at the flickering light, but my mind is not with the illusion.

My heart is pounding hard.

I can’t believe this. 

I’m supposed to be preparing to protect Steelheart, the Epic I was supposed to be working for the whole time, right? But all I can think about is the Epic nerd from Newcago who sucks at metaphors. Like, really sucks.

He’s all I can think about. Not my plans. Not my pay. 

David.

I picture him so clearly, almost as if I’m looking at his picture. He’s wearing the same ugly heather blue T-shirt he’s worn forever; his obsessed-over, brand-new, black leather Reckoner jacket; his worn rifle slung over his shoulder; and those extremely unattractive cargo pants (though of course he’d wear them. Nerd). 

But above all, I can feel that I miss him. Every small detail of his face, of the way he moves, the way he is, makes me miss him. Which bugs me, because as soon as he knows I’m one of them, as soon as he knows I possess the powers that turn us Epics malevolent… I know he’d hate me.

I watch the flames dance on my skin, reminding myself that I’m not supposed to care about him–I’m supposed to hate him. 

Supposed to kill him. 

But… he did say he was in love with me the day I died.

I flick a few of my fingers, and the fire, in turn, leaps. I let it burn brighter, and my anger grows hotter.

Really, Megan? Seriously? This is stupid. The Reckoners will be at Soldier Field to assassinate Steelheart when dawn breaks, which, for the sake of Newcago, is the last thing we need. The economy will collapse, and so will the government. 

I just wish David would see it that way.

But no, he wants to avenge his father who died at Steelheart’s hand. Not that that’s bad. It’s just…

I don’t think he gets how many people’s dads have died because of Epics. It’s not like he’s some special chosen one who’s going to actually kill Steelheart after everyone else who’s tried and failed. I bet he thinks he’ll succeed and gain glory for it because he spent the last ten years of his life studying Epics.

Good. This is good–I’m getting myself ready to fight him. I have to stay mad.

I throw the last of my sensitivity towards David and the others into my little fire. I can almost smell it burning.

And then I snuff it out, though the flames inside me burn hotter than ever. 

I rise from my chair, accidentally bumping the table with my knee, knocking over my near empty glass of lemonade.

Not staying to clean it up, I start for the door, strapping my mobile to my arm and reaching for my red Reckoner jacket.

Huh. I didn’t know I still had it. I thought I’d thrown it out.

I don’t want it anymore.

It feels wrong to me now, and the color’s too bright in my dusty, dark, dirty (not to mention damaged) overstreet apartment. Besides, it reminds me of the Reckoners too much.

Maybe I can use it. Maybe when I look at the bright red fabric, I’ll think of fire.

Firefight–me. 

Maybe when I look at it, I’ll see them burn, just like they burned me.

My mind is pleased with the compromise, but my heart still beats unsteadily.

Come on, Megan.

I pull on the jacket anyway because it’s the only one I have at the moment and glower as I lock my shiny steel door. Keeping my head low and my scowl painted on my face, I jog across the street, my hands lingering near my holsters, ready to react.

I guess it’s time to finish this.

 

[Returned]

I love it! I think that the themes, mood, and tone really shine. We've reached the point where further edits are mostly going to be about your satisfaction with making sure the things you want to express are all there, and land as you want them to. I don't think that there is a need to work in anything more about Megan's concerns about seeing David at Solider Field because I think that those ideas are already clear enough from the text.

I don't think there is more tweaking that needs to happen, or portions that require further attention. Changes can always be made, of course, if you aren't satisfied, but I think the piece is in great shape. Nice writing!

[Kajsa]

On 2/1/2023 at 9:25 AM, Returned said:

I love it! I think that the themes, mood, and tone really shine. We've reached the point where further edits are mostly going to be about your satisfaction with making sure the things you want to express are all there, and land as you want them to. I don't think that there is a need to work in anything more about Megan's concerns about seeing David at Solider Field because I think that those ideas are already clear enough from the text.

I don't think there is more tweaking that needs to happen, or portions that require further attention. Changes can always be made, of course, if you aren't satisfied, but I think the piece is in great shape. Nice writing!

Thank you so so so much! I cannot thank you enough! Your help has been SO valuable.

Now to see what my English teacher has to say!