Expectations and Identity

Am I really what they say,

What I’ve grown up being told, believing,

An act I kept up, all the while a voice in my head telling me “this is not you”?

It said “you don’t actually want this,” and I suppressed it out of fear.

Others and I crafted my identity, and I feared contradicting them, changing, rejecting what they thought I was—my purpose, my pride, the reason I was loved?

Though the voice questioned if interests had changed—if I was just playing along—I kept on a mask, and now suffer the aftermath.

I tried, in my own ways,

To pursue what my chained heart desired.

I no longer want the weight of these labels,

I don’t want it to become so part of how others see me,

That I ignore the voice telling me,

That this is wrong.

I don’t want these shackles,

Restraining me because they are established.

I want freedom,

No expectations of my identity,

Not so many I fear living.

 

Not Speaking

Not speaking, for fear of them not hearing.

Not speaking, for fear of being wrong.

Not thinking, for fear of being right,

Though not speaking, for fear of being not.

 

Disaster Desired

I want a break from the monotony,

I want something that matters,

Not something hyped-up, or made-up, for lack of life’s such.

I want something perhaps painful,

Something a struggle, something life-changing,

Something we together experience,

An interruption, an escape.

 

An outage in class,

Winds blowing so fast,

Fire and broken glass,

Or a blizzard and task.

 

A siren for shelter,

Any break from the swelter,

Shared hardship so others—so I—

Can feel together.

 

I want an earthquake, a storm,

Anything to break the norm.

An excuse the live,

A dose of pain.

 

A turn of the knob,

Clearing up the signal,

Static no longer,

Need to see clearer.

 

I want to run through the night,

Fearing, surviving,

Towards the light,

Or forever, never arriving.

 

Daydream of a Different Her

A girl, happy;

A girl I can’t imagine?

 

Me, happy;

A life I see ahead.

 

Discovering myself,

Learning to live,

Reclaiming my body, my mind,

From the oppressive dark cramped closet.

Reclaiming myself,

Identity, mine.

Me, free.

At last, free.

 

- Lily