sarkadark

Okay, first time doing this. I've given you access to my line by line comments on Google Docs. Here goes the summary: Worldbuilding: you have some good touches, but I don't have enough flavor to really buy them. Check out Snowcrash and Parable of the Sower for how some of the best of the best have introduced similar worlds (minus the magic). Main character: Definitely doesn't come off as nine, and the line about wanting to see the dogs take on the bullies struck me as sadistic. I agree with Mandamon that I'm not sure where there is for the character to go, and I'm also curious as to why a kid with all the power in the world is so concerned about legality and chores. I'm not saying he would logically need to be a monster, but I'd expect a nine year old to cut some corners. Why am I reading about a nine year old? As an adult reader, I'm honestly not that interested in reading about kids unless there's a reason for the story to be about a kid as opposed to an adult. Ender's Game is of course the chief example of this sort of thing done right. In the case of this story, the first chapter really hasn't given me a reason I should be interested in a nine year old, or any indication that the rest of the story won't be about him being a kid. What is this about? I don't have much indication of where this story might be going. The only unanswered question is how the bullies got into the compound, and that's not particularly compelling. All that said, your writing is solid. You've clearly read and built a solid foundation of skills to build story on. It's just a matter of polish the storytelling now.