Robinski

MS Word humour, jeez I'm getting desperate. Thank you!

Ooh, ooh: next episode… Love the title. What kind of separating force is that? Unclear if it’s human intervention, or the symphony driving a wedge. Not sure I follow how maji are set above others by this arrangement. Also, I don’t think you need ‘also’ after “both insulates” as ‘both’ is doing that job. Would it not be the social impact of the symphony? “a promise of guilt” – ‘accusation’? “especially to for an inquisitive Pixie” “destruction like such as the resonator had caused” – this sounded like present to me, which sounded odd, especially after the lead in. “Her furry fingers” – you’ve said ‘paws’, but paws don’t have fingers, surely? “Both of us We searched the workshop” – over wordy, I thought. I don’t see the connection with removing A’s body and the preceding thought. “That’s the lead we’ve been missing the whole time.” – What is? I don’t think the actual lead is clear. Is it K’s involvement? The involvement of another? “adjust some of the gearing to process a ‘track’ command” – this is a beast of burden, why would it have such a sensitive olfactory system that it can do the job of a bloodhound? Also, can they not just follow the blood spots themselves? “they were Systems created of by the Houses of Potential and Power” – they’ve not made of the houses, surely. “She still hasn’t come back” – maid-and-butler, actually not that, just really obvious and unworthy of comment. Sidebar into how dirty M’s clothes are was mildly irritating. “her she tugging her bandolier” – I'm pretty sure. It’s a bit wordy around here, with statements of the obvious that easily can be cut to maintain interest and momentum. First(?) edit though, I appreciate. “on hoof pawing” – typo The bit about the cloaking system fell flat for me. There’s potential for a critical reveal here, and shock that the mention can be seen by passers-by, but I feel that it’s lost in unnecessary comments about the system’s origin, and some rather flat dialogue. Yeah, this whole thing with the sphere is treated like an intellectual exercise. I really want some urgency here; like it’s not a scientific puzzle but a practical disaster and threat to the society. At this stage, the stakes need to be escalating. For me, this is things getting worse, but I don’t feel it at all. Surely it’s not just a couple of neighbours who can see the house, but foot traffic on the street, who will start to spread news around the Imp; people will come and investigate, the Soc will be uncovered. Disaster!! Panic!! Urgency!! “when less people were about” – FEWER!!!!! “Hopefully the SB can find something” – I say again, some of the dialogue is pretty boring (low hanging fruit), when it should be building the tension/urgency and keeping the reader engaged. “I walked behind the E” – hurried? “some powered by the notes of maji” “holding home to rich or sprawling families, and scores of servants” – suggest. Also, scores, really? 20, 40, 60 servants? Sounds a bit lilke each house has 20 servants. “turned down an alley between two estates” – this feels to me like the area is slightly countrified rather than city centre—suburban if you like—to the point where this might be a lane rather than an alley. I think it’s the word ‘estate’ that gives me this impression. “my families possessions” – typo. “turned down the street with my old house” – suggest ‘towards’ The list of M’s memories; I feel like they are a list, and would scan better not as separate sentences, but separated by semicolons. “I was not one who gained comfort from close contact with others” – nice character note here. “It was natural to her to comfort others when needed” – already implicit. “rationalized my the eruption of emotion” – feels like a lot of ‘my’ close together near here. “It’s Pixie blood” – for me, this step is unnecessary, slowing us down. Maybe he could note it in passing, but I want higher momentum here. Personally, I would cut the whole reference to the blood here. Can they not just follow the beast? “high-stepped” – Huh? I must admit I thought goose-stepped. “Maybe I would go through that storage facility when this was over” – another nice character point. Presuming this is the ending of another part, there’s really not drama, tension, excitement or mystery in this ending. Quite flat. Ending up in his parent’s former home would have been lovely symmetry, and would have packed an emotional punch. Is that not doable? Decent chapter, but I think there are various ways to really punch it up and make it great. For me, still needs work, but I'm still feeling the arc and the through-line, but I want more from the narrative, and especially the dialogue. Another thing, is the next one the last section? For what it is, I feel that this needs to be the conclusion, possibly with an ‘epilogue’ (not an actual epilogue). UNLESS, there is some set-piece to follow that involves destroying the spire, but for me that wasn’t the tone of the story. <R> (Second, that's not bad for me!! )

Wow, that filled up fast. Cool. Can I please have a spot for Monday, 26th March?

Hey Fox, thank you for these comments, very helpful. Can I be pain (and I think we've established that I can) and ask you to edit the names out, please? Ta! Excellent! I've since switched Chps 2 and 3, so this one follows the intro, just to bed the reader down in Q and M antics before the multi-pop extravaganza. Yeah. I was trying to avoid F incriminating himself. Awesome, I'll take that, which I take to mean darker. This, generally, was the pattern of the first book, I would say, so I'll proceed with caution. Excellent. I'm essentially trying to get through this bit as quickly as possible, so your reaction so far is ideal. Not entirely shared by all though. Not unsurprising. Maybe they will be cut from all but the chapter start, although there is relevant stuff because there people are in different places. That said, it's not critical. Awesome. This tone would suit M, although some are finding him a bit moustache-twirling, I think. I'll try to refine it a bit so he's just a sociopathic mufu. Perfect. that's my first cover quote Cool. It's coming. Hmm, or it might just be a cool project name that T chose. I'll think, about that Fair comment. I've cut it, not least because it's actually Q's word. :rofl: Probably, but I don't care, dammit! (I knew I'd be able to paste that in somewhere. Waste not, want not.) Yeah, that's a downside of some of this stuff. I'll try to thin it out in the edit. ...for all your decapitation needs. Come on, man--I can't give you all the cover quotes You're very kind; this really is my holy trinity. Yes, suh! My problem now is that I'm totally unsure whether to order these chapters 1,2,3 and 1,3,2. I'll see what reaction I get when I submit Chapter 4. Thanks so much, Fox. I'm so glad this jumble of POVs worked for you

Hang in there

That's a great photo--essence of cat--proud, aloof, distant, imperious; ignoring the camera and yet absolutely aware of how good he looks. Poser!

That's rough. My mother is 92, still lives on her own, although she has a friend there 50% of the time. She broke her ankle a couple of years back and had a boot for... I'm thinking 3 or 4 weeks(?). She's fiercely independent, but we were very fortunate to have other people around, and carers who went in regularly (thank goodness for the UK's NHS). I can't imagine having to deal with that even two of you, with the added pressure of a major festival coming up. Are you and your dad able to share your frustrations? Leaning on someone else can make a difference, not necessarily making things easier, but fortifying you to get through. Have they given you a timescale for the foot healing? I see you've got a good couple of weeks till Passover. Hopefully your mom will be reassured that things are taking shape and that will make things easier. Good luck! You can do this.

Hey everyone, So, pressing ahead with resubmission, this is Chapter 3, but might become Chapter 2 again!! Whatever the case, it's more of the dysfunctional duo. If you can remember back over the last couple of weeks, any comments on the ordering of chapters will be gratefully accepted, along with the usual stuff. Many thanks for your consideration. Best, Robinski

Hey ID, thank you so much for reading. Sorry about the delay getting back on the comments. Okay, that's good. I'll consider the PM scene again. Hmm, okay. I will reconsider these headers. I think what I will do is leave them in just now, get through the whole book, and see where I'm left on an alpha read. The time lines will come together before too terribly long, I think!! Fair enough. I think maybe you're the only one not convinced on this aspect at the moment, so I'll let it ride for the moment See above, but duly noted. Thanks. Noted. Thank you so much for those comments, very helpful

Hey Asmodemon, thank you so much for reading. Very much appreciated. That's great. Nice to be heading in the right direction Yeah, perhaps I have overreacted to concerns about the lack of plot. I may reinstate Chapter 3 (Monday's submission) as Chapter 2, as it was before but perhaps retain an interlude between them. Hmm, not sure. Will mull upon it. Noted. I may try to break them up through the first few chapters more, perhaps using them as interludes. Much to ponder. Thank you!

Uh-huh. Cool. I'll review the whole thing on the next edit. Thanks for the redirect.

Great comments, Mandamon, thank you. Yeah. I will reconsider this. Yes, it's a combo of a couple of later chapters. I may push this back one in favour of the previous sequel chapter. I've added a bit to this. Thanks. And to this. That's not the game, and Chapter 4 clarifies, which probably is another good reason to slide this back to Chapter 3. Totally agree. I've improved it a bit, but there is still some telling. I'll take a further pass next time around. Done, thanks. I know, right? I think it might actually be too scary! Might have to soften it. Intersting. Done! There now are a couple more hints, in EM's thoughts. Thanks again, so very helpful. Some really useful edits there

Hey Kais, thank you for reading given how very busy (even busier than unusual!!!) you are at the moment. Very much appreciated. Yeah, I didn't think I'd get away with that I'll think on it. Thanks for the suggestion. I did not have it in mind specifically in getting to this point, but it'n not impossible that G could have a further part to play. Yeah, I reordered the chapters in order to get into the plot sooner, but this is the downside. I could easily enough switch this with the sequel to Chapter 1, but it does push the plot further back. Another point to mull upon. I'm indebted to you for tackling these elements, and totally happy to accept that I'm stumbling around for the right balance in an area I am almost completely ignorant of My intention was that E was (is?) willing to do what was necessary to get the job, and thought it profoundly illogical that she would limit that approach arbitrarily to the male of the species. Is she using the logic to deny something about herself? Perhaps. But the way she saw it at the time, and still sees it now, is that she was doing whatever is necessary to get ahead, unlimited by what she perceives to be her default sexuality. As I say, I may be way off base here, and really appreciate your comments on this. Fantastic comments. Thank you so much

Sorry, yes. Engineer's disease, the curse of the TLA*. (* Three Letter Acronym)

Me too please, unless there are new faces in need of a spot.

Hey Wizard, thanks so much for picking up Chapter 2, some people wouldn't do that, much appreciated. I have sent Chp1, but starting in this particular Chp2 or Book 2 probably was never going to end well Anywho, to your comments: I hear what you say about the negativity. I'll canvas all of the reactions before making a decision, but I'm certainly willing to accept your point about show don't tell. There are a lot of thread here, of course, maybe too many, and perhaps because of that I felt the need to just spell it all out and get past it. Let's see how the demographics pan out What the heck is grimderp? Wait, whoa, what? I just learned the word 'indefeasible' too - thank you! Well, there are two, essentially, as you'll gather if you take a dip into Chapter 1, but your reaction to the format of this chapter is very interesting. I will take the impression of uncertain motivations as a plus for this particular chapter. I take your point, and you may be interested to know that Book 1 was littered with trademarks, 99% of which are removed, apart from those attached got the androids. I'm going to keep this 'one' until a publisher, agent or editor tells me to remove it. I will concede though that it has very much been done. I will grab this with both hands and make a run for Chapter 3, thanks! Hmm, I'm interested in why that is. Are you familiar with the name, or does your concern come from a very direct reaction to the sound of the name? This is all really helpful. Thank you again for reading!

That's awesome! Well done you

I see lots of great comments here, thank you everyone. I will get onto responding individually tomorrow, but as for now it's 23:52 and I'm zonked. Night, night..... Zzzzzzzzz.

Very pleased to be reading this again. I am enjoying my weekly episodes So, I have sent LBLs separately, so these comments might be a bit thinner than usual. “she couldn’t hear the House of Potential” – But ain’t there some form of audible alarm, since presumably the majority of people in the mansion can’t hear the HoP. (Lol, sounds like GoP ) I do like the tension at the opening of this section. “keeping the damage to a minimum” – I feel like this phrase is very safe and sensible, whereas the tension would be better served by emphasising the danger. “chaotic kaleidoscope” – wonderful phrase I think the description of the scene in the workshop could be tighter. I'm not quite sure what I'm seeing, and it does not sound especially dangerous. The pixie is singing, after all! I’m not really feeling the threat after the chaos and danger in the rest of the mansion. …nice touch with almost hearing the SoG, though. Calling the beasts ‘little’ tends to reduce the threat, like they are just toys. Not sure I'm feeling the “homicidal frenzy”. As per my points above, I think you're downplaying the danger from the beasts through some of the language. Furry dancer? That’s an Elton John song, isn’t it? “few minutes or an L…..” – I'm not sure if the reader is well enough attuned to what a lightening is to get the distinction here. Put another way; I'm not well enough attuned! “only the largest one left” – This puzzled me. Would they not have to constantly dodge around the largest one to get to the smaller ones? Surely, their work would be greatly facilitated by taking the biggest one out first. Is that not the best tactic? Hmm, I see that you do provide some explanation for this. If that’s the case, I think I would prefer that rationale up front. “fantastical materials” – What are these? I don't think we've ever heard of these in the D-verse. “dodge the beast’s strikes” – don't know enough about these to feel the danger. “like old socks that had been stretched past their original use” – this is a great phrase, but it’s rather too comfortable to express the danger of the situation, I think. I robs the encounter or stress and tension, sort of an anti-climax. “I don’t want to seem dependant on them” – Surely the stakes are higher than this? This is not a training exercise. This is the biggest problem I have had this week; I feel it tends to trivialise the danger. Is it not all hands on deck? “I cocked my head in acceptance of her point” – Hmm, I can’t picture this motion. I associate it with trying to hearing something, possibly expressing puzzlement. I didn’t think it was clear if M was buried in plaster, or what. It sounded that way at first, but then they seem unaffected. Good, dramatic ending, but I'm not sure I'm completely convinced by this turn of events, and M not recognising the signs of his own weapon being used earlier on. Or, I would appreciate it being made a bit clearer that it is only the most recent disruption that the device was causing, not all the mysterious goings on? If the fallout out from this device is so heavily imprinted on M’s memory, how has he not thought of the possibility before? Then, I find myself wondering if we might not reasonably have expected to hear something of the device earlier in the story, as the cause of such a significant event in M’s life. Dunno. Either way, I did enjoy this episode. I think the danger could be dialled up in a few places where the language tends to minimise or diminish it, particularly Man’s rationale for not involving Moo, which felt particularly weak. Good stuff though. I remain entertained, and eager for learn the outcome. <R>

Okay, I've read your post now (I like to read submissions 'clean', without preconceptions, so, sorry for that!) I hear what you say about practising dialogue, but, if you're not bothered about the story, you're not likely to be particularly engaged in making the dialogue as good as it can (and should) be. I have to say I think that showed in how the story / background lacked direction, and therefore led to problems in the dialogue--for me anyway. To be honest, if you're using this as a means to learn how to write dialogue, I think you only way you will get good at that is of you are invested in the the story of the scene, even if it is only one scene. Another thing, for me, before dialogue; setting; plot; background; magic system; and anything else, you need compelling and interesting characters: characters you believe in enough to write good dialogue for. Second; I think you need a clear and preferably simple situation for them to talk around. If the reader is confused by trying to work out what is going on, they will be distracted from the dialogue. If you're still practising, I would keep everything else simple, so you can put all efforts into the dialogue and making it fresh, original and impactful. In the same vein, making the blocking clear; i.e. where is this taking place, what are the surroundings and how are the characters placed in the setting, and interacting with it. I hope this is of some use.

Oh goody, a Word file! I will email you back some inline comments. If he is a professor, he should not be addressed as ‘Mr.’, I think. Then again, people do make mistakes; so, if it’s in dialogue, that seems okay to me. Since I don’t know the context, I will refrain from commenting on the number of children. I thought that the POV might be O’M, because of the way the whispers seemed to affect them, but I see it is not. I love the phrase ‘Magical Business’, cool. My daughter studied Fashion Business at college, so it struck a chord with me. “as it began to mist, water forming into droplets just in time to run into me” – what began to mist? I presume you mean the weather, but it’d not explained, which is a little confusing. The narrative is a bit all over the place. One second we’re talking about the weather, then T, then the weather again. Is Taylor O’M’s Christian name? I don’t think that’s clear. The problem with the rain, I think, is that there is no context for the setting. We don’t know whether we are inside out outside; does the sky look like rain, etc. Yep, I'm finding the narrative quite off-putting. Chopping between subjects like that ruins the flow, imo. Is the MC male or female. It’s not clear to me, and their name doesn’t prove one way or another. “That lie held up till I was outside his door” – nice line. “he would be unable to hear or ignore me” – this doesn’t make sense to me; these are opposites, surely. “dashing my hopes and dreams against the threshing floor” – I don’t understand the strength of feeling here. I’m not sure what’s driving this emotion. Is it a romantic infatuation? Otherwise, I feel it’s a bit over the top. If the pit opens in the protagonist’s stomach, how does it cast light from the room outwards? I know it’s a metaphor, but metaphor’s should retain some sort of internal logic, I think. “I was breathing like a blown horse” – I beg your pardon? I don’t know what this means. “No room at the prestigious Einstein School of Magic for a man who loves his family” – For me, this sort of implies he’s being kicked out because of his family, or his love for them. That makes little sense to me. Did I miss something? “They, no, that, they can’t- you’re- you’re you!” – How old is this person? They’ve been at the school for at least a year, but can’t string two words together. I struggle to believe this. Why would the daughters go into debt? I don’t understand the problem here. Presumably he gets paid for being a teacher? “This cruel, brutal world would not let me change” – The MC’s motivation seems to be largely selfish. I'm just not understanding their need to help this person. “A world where the promise of magic was a lie, and children were bought and sold under the table because magic was power” – Eh? Sorry, don’t follow. “but I had proved to my parents’ grave that I was a bird” – A bird? I don’t understand. My main problem is that I don’t care for either of the characters or their situation. I don’t know what O’M is being fired for, but either way, I don’t have any sympathy with someone who thinks having eleven children is a good idea. I struggle to follow the logic of the protagonist’s thought process, and don’t really understand what horrible evil their parents have wrought in setting him up for life. Confused. Thanks for submitting. I think this needs quite a bit of work, mainly in terms of clarity of the plot and a logical through-line. I might be able to like the main character more if I understood and therefore sympathised with their goals, but at present, I’m struggling to decode that. I hope you have another go at this. I would be interested to read it after you consider addressing the comments that you get on the forum. <R>

As opposed to lady-hunters...

Here, here!

Oh, man, it’s that déjà vu all over again… Okay, I think W’s motivation is clearer now on the this first page. Same strong opening giving the reader questions to consider, but now with added character motivation. I think ‘wind-wracked’ should be hyphenated, because it is a compound adjective, but don’t take my word for it, I'm sure wiki would confirm. “Why then did was she drawn to it?” – typo. “loam-scented air” – another hyphen, imo. “crag-like forms” – you see, ‘crag like form’ doesn’t make sense in that arrangement, hence, hyphenated. I really hesitate to mention this, but I will, on one condition. So, “When the spot where she’d seen the shadow move was out of sight she broke into a sprint”, this is really rather wordy, for me, and isn’t that first phrasing that is. BUT, this is not the time to be tinkering with phrasing. The deal then, I would be delighted to do LBLs on a completed draft of the novel, once I’ve read the whole think in draft. On that basis, I’ll try not to mention any other grammar stuff. “partly because they would ring the bells if they saw her sprinting at them” – this seems odd to me. What if some kids were running towards the village, just playing? Surely, they don’t just ring the bells for anyone running, without some context. “W didn’t correct him. He’d lived through too many attacks and lost too many friends to share her curiosity about what the footprint might mean”. For me, this felt out of POV. W doesn’t know the old man’s name, but she knows his background this well? The bit around the people moving out of the field is a bit rough in terms of continuity, and missing word there. “white-robed acolytes” – without the hyphen, it sounds like the acolytes are white, and wearing robes, except there’s no comma either. I won’t mention any more of these, but they’re there! Is it a lie that W raised the alarm? I think she did. “Behind him stood H’s his steed, G” – grammar. Could replace ‘him’ with the name. Big run-on sentence there describing the deer. Sorry, I know my comments are always centred on details instead of scope, at least until the end. It’s the way I am; I’ll never change!! Did W tell O where the footprint was located? I don’t remember her doing that. “I’m still little” – I don’t think children think in this way. You’ve got a moment of high tension here, but it’s bleeding away with all this talk with the boy and of where the mother is from. Does any of this matter? This is not a time for small talk. There’s good information here, but I think the problem is timing, If they are hurrying to the shelter, the small talk should wait until they get there, and the can collect themselves and have some downtime that they need to occupy with discussion until the all clear sounds. I like the approach of the evacuation, but I think you lose the tension in it by lapsing into small talk. I think it’s easy enough to fix though. I was never particularly concerned about any perceived lack of character in W, but I like the changes you’ve made, just need some reworking of the last couple of pages here, in my view. I hope to see another submission from you to maintain the momentum. Can we please agree that you won’t go back again? Why not just leave some notes in your master doc and keep going forward? I do completely agree with the others, this is a clear improvement. Yours hopefully, Robinski

That's great For characters, like so many things, I love the phrase 'low hanging fruit'. I don't know if you can search it out in WE, but I think it's usually Howard that refers to it. It is an excellent concept. Whatever idea you have, set it aside and have another, then another, don't just accept the first thing you come up with. Try combining two ideas; three ideas. This is the way to forge interesting, intriguing, intoxicating characters/settings/plot twists/etc.