Kage

So I consider myself an amateur writer. I'm not sure of how much talent I actually have, but I'm writing anyway. The main goal here, as it is my first novel, is just to finish it. I've been working on it steadily, but I'd still like some critique. So I'm going to post the first couple of chapters and see what people say. I'll try and implement any critique I receive when I go back to edit and revise the story after I've finished it. Chapter One Darkness was a friend of mine, we got along pretty well darkness and I. Where it blocked other people ability to see, it did not block mine. Where it struck fear in others, it embraced me like a warm hug from a beautiful woman. I dominated the darkness, not the other way around. No, being in the dark didn't bother me, what did bother me was the uncomfortable feeling of silver wrapped around my chest and arms. The silver chains where connected to the chair I was in, anchoring it to the floor and rendering it unmovable by even my strength. I couldn't tell you how long I had been there, days maybe? One moment I was in their base of operations, ready to kill them all, the next silver dust to the face and a blow to the head. Ouch. A chuckle escaped me, oh what I was going to do to these pathetic rogues. Silver only dampened my abilities, weakening me significantly, but non-fatal. That told me a few things, first, they wanted to talk to me, probably gloat how they caught me. Secondly, they were stupid. As Darkkin, they knew who I was and not killing me was a mistake. Another, deeper and louder chuckle escaped me. It was an evil laugh, the kind to inspire fear and a general “What the storm man?” from any normal person. Apparently it was heard because a man came in not soon after. The man in question was tall, pale and beautiful. I don't know what the change did to a person, I was no scientist and never experienced it myself, but it made you unnaturally beautiful. It was like it turned you into the best possible version of yourself. No mater how ugly or obese you were the change made you attractive. The man had a chiseled perfect jaw, long blonde hair and eyes the color of milk chocolate. He wore an elegant black suit, the kind you might wear to a formal gathering, or a funeral maybe. He reminded me of those cliche villains who twirled their mustache and told you their plan in detail before they put you some some impossible situation that you ended up escaping anyway. I decided right there that I was going to toy with him a bit before I killed him. “What's so amusing, Mr. Hellsing?” His accent was English. See what I meant about cliche? Oh I was going to love killing him. I smiled at the thought of it. “Your stupidity.” I answered, “Tsk tsk, John. I would expect more respect from someone wrapped in silver. We darkkin are practically mortal when we are in contact with silver. I could inflict all manner of pain on you and you would not heal.” I decided that I'd had enough. I was only waiting for him to reveal himself before I escaped these chains anyway. Some background before I continue with the gruesome death of the rogue darkkin here. Every person and being that has a soul has an aura. Each beings aura was a certain color or colors. Normally auras were just the color of your soul, not doing much of anything. Mines was different, I could use it, harness it to do some fairly devastating things. I called it Aura Magic. I directed my aura into the chains wrapped around me and directed it to star breaking the silver down. When I used my aura to affect the physical world, it appeared as an orange red light, I've been told it was pretty damnation creepy to see. The elegant rogue's eyes widened in surprise as the chains began to turn to powder and fall to the ground. Once it was all gone I stood up slowly and stretched. I cracked my neck and rolled it. Silver weakened us darkkin and wrapped up in it for a few hours in one position was hell on the muscles. I was still weakened from the silver and wouldn't be as fast or as strong until I got some blood in me. That didn't mean I was helpless. I grinned at the rogue and lifted my hand to the side. I pooled my aura into my hand and soon a weapons started to take shape. It took maybe 10 seconds for the flaming gladius appeared there. The silver white fire lit up the room, banishing the darkness. You would think that the rogue would have reacted by now, maybe attacking me or running away like someone with any sense would have done by this point. Yet he simply stood there, stunned by the flaming blade in my hands and by what I just did. In a way, I felt sorry for him. By all rights that silver should have held me for as long as he chose to keep me there. Instead I did something he never expected I could do because it should have been impossible. My Aura Magic was unique, as far as I knew, no other being could do it. It allowed me to preform feats rarely seen on earth. I swept the Gladius in an arch and severed the rogues arm from his shoulder. Before he could scream, I used my aura to muffle him. Shoving it into his mouth and filling his mouth with the orange red light. His eyes were bulging as I wrapped my aura around him and directed it to lift him into the air. I lifted his remaining arm to the sides and spread his legs with my aura. “You thought to chain me up, you miserable piece of rust? I, John Hellsing who fought an Elder God and walked away the victor. I, who walked the Citadel and threw down and Elder from his throne without consequence? I known as Retribution?” I cut off his other arm while saying this and laughed as his eyes bulged even more. I took my time with him. I used my aura to bubble his very blood, I healed him when he got to close to death and started again. I tortured him for a solid two hours before growing bored and finally decapitated him. Then I picked up his head and walked through the door and up the stairs. There were others there in the house and one by one I killed them, putting their heads in a black trash bag I had found in a cupboard of the kitchen. I paused at one person, however. He was young when he was turned, probably sixteen. He saw my gladius and his eyes narrowed. He did what no one else in that house had done, he ran at me. Instead of killing him, I simply lifted in in the air with my aura. 'What's your name?” I asked. “Nathan,” was his snarling answer. I nodded. The eyes can tell a lot about a person, including their age. The body may stop aging, but the eyes don't. His eyes marked him as a recently turned and I swore. “storm. You're still just a kid.” It was likely that one of the rogues I had killed was his sire. If I left him, I will have made an enemy. That wasn't new, I had a lot of enemies. Yet if I killed him, I'd be crossing one of the very few moral boundaries I had. Sighing, I let him drop to the floor and used a but of my aura to pin him there. “You won't be able to move from that spot for an hour or so, kid. I know you'll want revenge, I understand that. Don't come seeking it any time soon. When you've got a few decades of experience and training, come find me then.” I left him there and left the house with my black bad of heads.. Meridian was a big town and traveling with a bunch of heads in a bag isn't ideal so I masked it. To put it in a nutshell, people simply did not notice that I was carrying a bag. Their brains simply failed to recognize that it was there. A simple darkkin trick and yet one of the most important. Without masking, humanity would have probably discovered us by now and if that happened, we would all be dead. The coven building wasn't far a way, about two blocks, and I reached it fairly quickly. Luckily ti was still dark so the darkkin inside would be up and about. The sun didn't hurt us, just made us sleepy. It didn't effect me as much as the other. I hadn't the faintest idea why that was. Once inside and past the receptionist who spared maybe a moments glance at my Wraith I.D. The ones in charge of the Coven are the Elders, but we only have three Elders at a given time, the ones below them are the Masters, which there were quite a few of. They ran the major cities and states. I didn't say a word to the dark haired Master darkkin inside, just plopped the bag in his mahogany desk and left. Meridian was a big town and almost always busy. I was at the North End of town and people still bustled about. Couples on a walk, a street guitarist played a folk song. I breathed in deeply, taking in the warm scent of blood all around me. There was a feast out here, O negative, B positive, AB negative, all kinds of blood types were out tonight. Have you ever passed a bakery and breathed in the scent of all those pastries baking? If you have then you might remember the craving you got, the need to go in and eat one of those treats. That was the feeling I had every day I went out into the world. The blood begged me to consume it, to drink it into myself and feel the surge of power through my lean body. I punched that feeling down, suppressing it. This was not the place to gorge on blood. I was hungry, though and needed to feed. That silver really weakened me. So I did the only logical thing, I went to a club. If you've never been to a night club, let me set the mood for you. Loud music, alcohol and a lot of moving bodies in a tight space. Add to that a lot of raging horny emotions and you have a nightclub. I storming hated the places. The music was terrible, the perfume and cologne molded together in an almost toxic cloud that would have chocked me if I let it. The sweat and heat from the bodies gave off its own unique stink. The only thing that made it bearable was the blood. All of the blood in the room stood out from the rest of the stink. Like air freshener over a nasty smelling room, it masked it. Charming women wasn't hard for a darkkin, we didn't even have to try most times as the women, or men, came to us most times. I could have waited at a bar and had any number approach me. Even dressed as I was in my simple gray polo and faded blue jeans. It was probably our eyes that did it. Darkkin eyes were luminescent and stood out from the rest of our features. Mine were the color of my aura, an orange red, the kind of color you saw when you watched a sun set. I almost never waited, it was so much more fun to snag a girl from some other guy. I went for the taken ones most of the time. There was something about the outrage on the guys face as I took their woman from them. Wishing they would try something so I could show them just how little they could do about it. I found a couple making out in the corner. I ran a hand through my unruly black hair and headed over. The guy was fairly big, probably a lineman on some college football team. He was practically sucking the blondes face off. What was it with some men who did that? They kissed like there was no tomorrow, like they were trying to eat their partner rather then enjoy the pleasure of the warm lips on their own. I tapped the guy on the shoulder and he spun around, furious to be interrupted. He had one of those baby faces, the kind with the smooth skin and no facial hair at all. His brown eyes were filled with outrage, but he did nothing. Some part of his brain recognized the predator before him. He knew that he wouldn't win the fight if he started it. I had eyes only for the blonde. Her face was that rare heart shape, it was flush due to the kissing she was doing just moments before. Her green eyes widened as they met my own red-orange ones. Lifting my hand I cupped her chin, I could feel the blood pulsing just underneath it. Slowly, I brought her lips to mine. They were warm and she tasted of mint. Unlike her boyfriend, I was subtle. I didn't kiss fast or hard, I explored, I was sensual. I gave her what most woman looked for, the feeling that they mattered, that they were important to that special someone. In that kiss I told her that nothing else mattered. I broke it off and her eyelids fluttered. Her boyfriend completely forgotten, I took her hand and led her out of the club. In the hotel room not soon after, I kissed her again, this time fiercely and she pulled away. “No, like before.” She said, her voice light. I smiled at her, showing my fangs. Ladies, free advice, if a guy seems to good to be true, he's likely a monster out to suck your blood. She tried to scream, but I was already at her throat. If her mouth tasted like mint, her blood was strawberry. Warm and juicy I gulped it. For her it was likely very pleasurable, that's what I was told it felt like anyway. I didn't kill her, I only took about a pint from her. Then I let her fall to the mattress. If we darkkin went around killing every person we fed from, the body count would be uncountable. I left a mysterious note, one that would make her wonder about the mysterious black haired man that made her feel like the most important thing in the world. I chuckled at the thought of her thinking about me days from now. Wondering if she would ever see me again and knowing that any guy that came after would never quite measure up. Just to add the finishing touch, I used a nail to prick my finger. Blood Magic was the trademark magic of all darkkin, you could do a lot with it. In this case, I directed the life energy within the blood to take form. Soon I held a black petaled rose in my hand. I laid it on the note. I wondered how long she would keep it? The rose would last as long as she chose to pay attention to it. I left the hotel and headed home. The effects of the silver were fading, but I needed some sleep before it faded entirely. What a day, but at the end of it I was full and what more could you ask for? Chapter Two Most people hated being woken up early in the morning. I may not be human, but I hated it just as much as the next person. Loud banging and shouts of “John Hellsing, Council Rovers, open up!” That was curios. Rovers where the warriors of the Council. Sent to take out or bring in powerful supernatural beings that had earned their ire. I untangled myself from the warm covers and went to my dresser not far from my bed. Throwing on a shirt and some jeans I went to see what the hell the rovers wanted. There were about twelve of them, all carrying semi=automatic weapons, likely with silver ammunition. All were dressed in heavy black combat gear, Kevlar, helmets, the kind of gear you'd see a SWAT team wear. I could sense wards on them too. They were ready for a fight. In a way I was flattered, twelve rovers was more than was usually sent and wards? Darkkin could heal from most any wound, we rarely needed wards. A rational being would probably be scared, but I was a far cry from anything even remotely resembling a rational being. I smiled at them, turned my back on them and walked to the kitchen. My apartment wasn't big, my kitchen could barely fit one person. A small fridge, small stove and a small sink took up most of it, barely any counter space. From the fridge I pulled out a cool bottle of Blood S. Blood S was synthetic blood, created by darkkin scientists a while back to answer a simple problem, too many darkkin and not enough humans. It wasn't as good as normal blood coming from the source, but it wasn't horrible either. The rovers watched me from the door way as I took a sip and just stared at them. Now, I'm a fairly powerful being. I've taken on gods and won, granted significantly weakened gods, but there weren't many who could say that and be telling the truth. But I hadn't walked away from those fights unscathed and there hadn't been twelve of them all at once and not a one had silver. The reason I was acting so none nonchalant was due to my wards. Every school of magic could use wards, though each school of magic did different things and so to did the wards. I was using blood wards. Blood was life, it was power,energy, darkkin could direct this energy with their will, use it to do some cool things. The magic that you did with blood magic was only as powerful as the will that shaped it and the energy that went into it.. I had spent months pouring energy into the layers of wards on my apartment. Not even silver was going to cut through it and no supernatural being was getting in unless I invited them in. While the rovers could not get in, which they had just figured out judging by the frustration on one of the rovers faces, I could not stay here forever. Soon enough I would run out of blood and I would need to feed. Nonetheless I took my time getting dressed and wondering why the hell rovers were here for me in the first place. I was a council wraith. Wraiths were the first and last lines of defense for darkkin society. We were the judges, the juries and the executioners of darkkin society and we pretty much had free reign to do as we pleased. Whatever action we took, whatever darkkin we killed, even an elder, we did for the protection of our society as a whole. The Council didn't care to know what we did in our capacity as wraiths and we were considered above most darkkin laws. For the council to send rovers after me meant that I must have done something truly horrible, something that was seen as damaging to the entirety of the darkkin race. The question was, what? I do a lot of so called “horrible” things all the time, but I didn't do them to anyone the council would care about. I decided that I wasn't going to come up with anything on my own, so the next best thing was asking. The rovers where trying to break through the wards. Slowly running the upraised palms over the space that was my doorway, the red glow that appeared when blood magic was used outlined there hands, like a transparent glove. “It won't work.” I said to them. One of them lowered their hands, the glow disappearing. “Why not come out, John? You have to sooner or later.” “Because storm you, that's why/” I replied, flashing him a brilliant smile. Inside I was angry. I had served my society for years, killing many people and darkkin to protect my society. I don't mind doing the things I do, I enjoyed it most of the time, but I had done my job to the letter and then some. They answer that with rovers? Likely there to kill me? storm that. “Be reasonable,” he said. I had dubbed him as the leader at this point. “Do you even know who I am? Reasonable is not in my vocabulary, it doesn't exist with me. How's this for reasonable, you tell me why you're here and I'll consider not tearing you limb from limb.” I didn't put any venom in my voice, no anger. When you give threats, the best way to do it was dispassionately, as if you were saying the sky was blue, or two plus two was four. Everyone except the leader had fear in their eyes then. I had somewhat of a reputation among darkkin, which I milked for all it was worth. “You don't need to know why, you just need to comply. You're status as a wraith has been revoked, you're coming with us whether you want to or not.” I love fighting. I love killing. But my kind of fight was the kind where I outclassed my opponent, the kind where I could take my time humiliating my foe and finally killing them, watching as that spark that made them tick went out, leaving nothing but an empty shell behind. This wasn't that kind of fight. Neither was it one I would back away from. I was more powerful than most any darkkin on the planet. Silver negated my blood magic and significantly reduced my physical abilities, but I still had my aura. You might be wondering why I didn't just stick them in place like I had done with the rogues. First, I could only do that to one or two beings at a time, secondly, doing that meant I couldn't do much else with my aura magic as my concentration would be focused on keeping them in place. Finally, their blood wards would resist it. What their wards could not resist was my gladius. I said before that as far as I knew I was the only darkkin who could summon a gladius, their could be others who could do it, but I haven't met them yet. My gladius could cut through magic, any kind of magic. Their wards wouldn't do jack rust to it. My aura swirled around my open palm, taking shape and with a few seconds I was holding it. The blade was a simply silver color, but not formed of any metal I knew, and I willed it, flames would lick its edges and project heat into the air around it. I willed it then and decided the flames would be white this time. Yes, I could make the fire any color I wished, bad chull right? The reaction to my gladius was instant, the rovers lifted their weapons and opened fire. The bullets did not ricochet, they simply stopped in mid-air and dropped to the ground. Briefly I wondered if anyone would hear the gun shots, but dismissed it. They would have evacuated the building and put up a sound ward. We wouldn't be disturbed. I dashed out to them, faster than the human eye could follow, and I started cutting. Three fell in the first instant, screaming to the floor, the others opened fire, but my aura was already breaking down their weapons. I couldn't do it through my wards, blood magic didn't mix well with my aura magic, but the moment I was through I immediately started seeping my aura into the guns, jamming them, breaking them. Only a few of the guns went off, but they missed because I wasn't in the midst of them any more, I was down the hall. The three rovers I had cut down opened me up a path which I made use of. These were elite darkkin warriors, but they hadn't counted on how fast I really was and they hadn't known about my gladius. No one really lived to tell others about it. They fired more bullets at me but I had formed my aura into a shield, the silver bullets could cut through most magic, but my aura magic didn't play by the same rules. The bullets slammed into it with several loud bangs, but didn't harm me. The crunched shells dropped to the ground and I began to walk toward the rovers, slowly sweeping my gladius back and forth. “I'm going to kill every one of you. My sword will set your body on fire as I cut into you and your screams will be the sweetest music one could hear.” I said, letting amusement drip from my voice. Here's the thing about confidence, it stops when you get shot. I felt the silver tear through my chest and out the other side to drop to the ground in front of me. The wounds were already closing, but the silver did its job. “storm!” I snarled. Keeping my aura shield in front of me I pointed my hand, palm up, at the rover they had positioned to guard the entrance and willed my aura into a big sphere, using my hand to direct the energy, I pushed it forward. The result was a red-orange blast that struck the rover and sent him flying, crashing into the wall behind him. At the same time the ones in front of me fired their weapons, the silver slamming into my shield. They were faster than me now, stronger, I wouldn't be able to beat them all with just my aura. So I did the practical thing, I set the place on fire. Slamming the gladius into the wall behind me, I willed the flames to spread and they did so willingly. White fire consumed the wood and dry wall. The rovers were still firing, but I could see their eyes widening as the fire started to spread. There were two sure ways of killing a darkkin, cutting off the head or burning them. Most darkkin had a fear of fire deep within, and rightly so. Even trained rovers had trouble hiding it. They only held out for a minute before they tossed down their weapons and ran. “Stand, you cowards!” Their leader shouted. It was futile. They had no where to go. There was only two utterances to the building, we were near the front, but to get to the back you had to loop around from where we were and to do that they would have to cross through the growing fire. Some tried, but the white flame devoured them instantly. The fire was apart of my gladius and as such, apart of me. It wouldn't harm me. I stood within the flames, calmly watching the darkkin burn. “storm you, John Hellsing! You won't get away with it, you won't succeed, the Council will stop you!”The rover leader yelled as the flames took him. Succeed in what? I wondered. As I watched the darkkin rover team burn and scream, I considered where I would go to get answers.

Honestly, does this ever actually happen? I mean, I've shared my writing on forums numerous times and have never had anyone take my idea. Maybe they weren't/aren't good ideas, but even then, I know several other people who've never had a problem. That being said, if I shared my writing here, would it be against any rules?

Thanks I appreciate the virtual cookie and the upvote.

I suppose it would have been a little bit more interesting, but I actually like how it turned out. I mean, David overcame it and that is a good thing. He never wanted to be an Epic. I believe it worked out fairly well and him getting powers wouldn't have made it much more interesting.

So, I joined a year or so a go I believe. Didn't really do much then, sorry for that. Look forward to getting to know everyone!

Hello, the name I go by on the internet these days is Kage. I can't say how active I might be, but I am here to check out these forums. I really enjoyed the Way of Kings, so I came here to discuss the book.