RickCo

Absolutely. Prologues are often discombobulating at first glance. Eye of the World prologue comes to mind. I think it took, what, three books for me to understand what the hell that was? haha. If you're doing it on purpose, rock on. Just thought I'd throw it in.

So I'll just add my responses to both your submissions here. I liked the prologue. Probably because I'm a huge dinosaur nerd, but an enjoyable read nonetheless. The one thing that did jump out at me was your use of phrases like "faster than Iraisa would have thought possible." You use a similar phrase several times, and it stood out after only two. Otherwise, I'm intrigued by the weird magical dude trying to break into her mind, and also by the weird(er?) guy defending her. Oh and the bright light. I'm in for more. Then we come to chapter 1. It feels completely disparate to me. I actually read chapter 1 first (I had missed the prologue in my inbox for whatever reason), and said to myself "cool, kind of a crime/thriller/drama thing with magic. Sounds nifty." I'm not sure how we got from dinosaurs in the jungle to a guy riding in a helicopter. I don't know, it just felt like too much of a leap, I guess? Perhaps you could bridge that gap with something. Even having Iraisa see a helicopter cruising overhead or something to let me know we're not in the cretaceous, we're in modern times...but with dinosaurs =). Oh, and you should have him think of himself as Heinrich. Reading The Grumr was rather odd. Cheers! Rick

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I've definitely been getting the "not enough description" line from folks. I was trying to walk that fine line, as someone said, but I think it's clear I erred to much on the side of caution, trying not to dump on the reader. @Yados Would you mind elaborating? Don't take this the wrong way, but all I got out of your critique was "your writing sucks. work hard and it can suck a bit less." That's not exactly what I'd call helpful. Again, not trying to defend or argue, as everyone has their opinion, but more critique your critique. For example, Aminar says there are times I repeat words. That's something I can look for and fix. Just asking for some explanation, mate. Thanks!

Hey guys! This is my first submission to the group. It is the prologue of my epic fantasy novel, Corruption. I hope you like it, but the more feedback, the better! Don't spare my feelings, please! Thanks! Rick

Hey guys. My name's Rick, I'm 27, I live in CO, and by day I fight the ravages of colon cancer in an endoscopy suite. By night, I write and play video games as much as my lovely wife will let me get away with (current addiction that takes up too much writing time: League of Legends). Besides being a huge Brandon Sanderson fanboy, I enjoy GRRM, Robert Jordan, Michael Crichton (even if his books do read like movie scripts), Terry Brooks, Samuel Shem, Jim Butcher...the list goes on and on.

Hi Silk, I'd like to submit this coming week (1/9) if there's room. Thanks!

So I liked this piece. The twist at the end - where he discovers he's made magic the first time - was nice, followed by his realization that he's created something he cannot control. Both pretty good twists. As for the improvements, I agree with Cynic. At the beginning, I wasn't sure whether I was reading flashback or current. Especially when he looks in on his girls. Why are these lines of dialogue italicized? I honestly thought he was imagining them playing in the room. As if his wife had taken them away with her already. I think the line "Back before they were taken from him." threw me off. Looking back, I don't know what that means, what it's referring to. When his wife comes home, you say his anger had subsided somewhat. That's fine, but then he notices she's been drinking vodka. If I read it right, she's pregnant (based on apron). I don't have children or a pregnant wife, but I would think her drinking while pregnant would piss him off substantially. But he first needs her to hit him and stuff, which is fine, you're trying to build tension, I get that, but I think you could do it more efficiently and effectively with just the alcohol. The action at the end about bubbling skin and blood and his and her face is also rather confusing. I can't tell most of the time if he's the one getting burned, or if she is, or if they both are. Consider tightening up the prose there for clarity' sake. I enjoyed it, thanks! Cheers! Rick

Quick question. On the critiques, do people generally make edits in the document itself and then send it back? Or is what's in the thread here all you go for?

Nobody's perfect, Cynic. And that would be Gastroenterology, Joe.

Hi Guys, Just thought I'd introduce myself so everyone isn't thrown by seeing my critiques/submissions. My name's Rick, I write mostly fantasy (I know, shocking on the Brandon Sanderson forum!) with a smattering of medical satire (I work in the field), and have just joined the group. I'm looking forward to getting to know you all and seeing some good works. Expect my first submission soon-ish; it's ready, I just want to get established a little before throwing you guys headlong into my work. I live in Colorado, am in a face-to-face writing group, and I'm working the kinks out of my first novel, Corruption. Cheers! Rick