ANHlittleinsane

*hugs* thanks y’all. I told the gc that i was gonna silence notifications and take a break, and I’d come back when i was ready and text when i wanted and they were like “kk take all the time you want, see ya” it made me feel a bit more human and a bit less fragile. I still feel a bit shaky but I’m working on my homework to occupy my brain, and rereading one of my fave Star Wars fics (it features feral silly inconsistent gremlin Luke which is a hill I’ll die on he’s one of those people that got diagnosed with ADHD and later found out it was actually a response to unresolved childhood trauma and i fully support him being a kind of insane, well meaning little guy who should under no circumstances be allowed near Nightblood lol) (my babiesssss) (star wars found family fics y’all will always be famous)

Saw my old classmates today, they’re all past the inside jokes and over the old things we used to talk about and entangled in drama and boys and i hate that if you don’t have snap you don’t exist and i don’t WANT it, but i also don’t want to be left behind idk it just feels like no matter how much they love me or care about me and how much i do in turn, i always get left behind and like they say they love me and they care about me but it’s only because I kept them healthy and alive and happy and I’m funny but not funny enough and I’m pretty apparently but not enough to get the usual greeting of “omg wait youre so pretty it’s been so long” and I’m part of a group that is lost to time and changing and i can’t move forward because i don’t have to means to because unless you have social media you aren’t a real person but i don’t want snap because all the kids in my age group in this city use it as a dating app and one of my friends, my best friend, who isn’t really my best friend anymore unless it’s just the two of us and we haven’t seen each other in weeks and we’re around people just as nerdy as i am all the damn time and i know she cares about me but she doesn’t care about my interests or what i say and sometimes she gets mad at me because i don’t defend her to my other friends and she says she would defend me if someone even said a single word against me and i believe her and i feel bad that she doesn’t but there are parts of me that i care about that she ignores and don’t i have the right to do the same? It’s not a good friendship and she rarely leaves me feeling happy after we hang out but i don’t want to lose my last childhood friend and idk i guess i just hate that no one my age cares about what i say and the things in my head and its like you said I’m amazing at writing. You love to read my work. Is it any different from what i write when i talk about things? I’m still writing. It’s still some kind of fantasy world you know nothing about. It isn’t any less quality than the stories i used to write. It’s like she only cares about me when i am masking, or being “weird” in a way that she also is I have friends in school, close ones, but they aren’t in most of my classes and i have people that i can talk to but I’m always going to be second choice and i hate how hard it is to integrate without social media and sports teams like i knew not doing sports was going to impact my social life but this sucks and idk i just really fricking hate change and i hate that i have to place making sure others feel ok and aren’t mentally struggling for the smallest thing that others can help with over whether or not i want to help. I’m not a therapist, I’m not being paid to do this, i don’t have obligations to anyone and my opinions do matter and sometimes I’m only there because if I’m not I’ll be lonely like it isn’t worse that I’m just in the ghost of what was there and I’m always always always in between friends on damage control and they vent about each other and talk bad about each other to me and i try to mitigate the damage the best i can so they don’t get hurt like they give a chicken fried frick about me unless I’m directly helping and then I’m the problem that I’m strange, I’m the problem that I’m silent when they want me to be loud, I’m the problem that i don’t act like a kid my age as if i haven’t been pushed into these situations and roles since i was fricking seven and a half years old and it has never mattered that my world was ending at the time and i didn’t want to put up with any of this bs and i just wanted to focus on the good, because i gave an inch once at seven and a half before i even knew what the word boundaries was, let alone what it meant, and now i have to do it for the rest of my life because none of them want to learn how and i get that they have worse things going on they need to worry about. Their worse things are small term I’ve been stuck here in between a missile and a cannon for almost all of my life so i could get a “thank you,” an “I love you,” a “you’re so mature,” an “i don’t know what I’d do without you,” and a request to do it all over again like a party trick right before they shoot me for being the messenger and the adults will tell me to stay out of it and set boundaries but I’m so wildly codependent on people I’ve “known” since i was five that I can’t say no. I don’t want to lose them and they don’t want to lose me but i am not a kid their age to them i am a trusted adult figure and i wanted that trust even at seven and a half so i have been doing it since then just for the blue moon time that they’ll take me seriously and indulge me like I’m another kid their age and I’m young and naive for not knowing other kids and more adult-y things, and not having social media, and not learning how to like the conformity of fashion nowadays but I’m oh just so mature and so helpful and such a lifesaver when they need me when I’m useful and the only reason I’m sticking around is because i just had to be taught that commitment is important but not the difference between toxicity and commitment and i need it. I need to be told and shown i have value and it happens rarely but it’s better than the period of nothingness if i cut myself off and dedicate myself to building relationships with my new friends which would be so so easy but i just really like nostalgia no matter how much it hurts and i think i know if i “take a break” from them my adhd brain will make me either forget or regret and either way i won’t come back and I’m just so so done with compromising and empathy and diplomacy and intuition and supporting and valuing and caring and providing and being “high functioning” neurodivergent cause it’s like a party trick when I’m an emotional intelligence genius and a tiny silly roadblock when my hyper-fixation and petrifying fear of change and chance prevents me from happiness and i don’t understand how everyone moves on so easily from some things and clings so hard to other things and I’m only worth being alive when adhd is a enlightening, helpful thing that shakes things up like my brain isn’t all shaken up and blended into some kind of smoothie pressed against my head until it breaks like water and glass and i just wish i could be an immature mess instead of pretending i didn’t burn out at thirteen the moment i finished high school application essays and there’s this group chat and most of the kids in it hate each other but are there anyways for the sillies because i think deep down they remember i made the group chat and i made it for a reason and i think it’s my little evil way of having my turn trapping friends into helping me to no end and it’s so twistedly angering to me how i have to do damage control and make everyone feel important and valid in this cesspit like i didn’t make this group chat at one am in Europe feeling so so alone and guilty sleeping under the stars in Corsica after having a panic attack because the stars are so anxiety inducing sometimes and the humidity is 95% and I’m with my grandparents and sisters who are asleep not my mom and i made a group chat because i felt alone and overwhelmed and filled it with people that i thought were funny that made me feel funny that made me feel wanted that made me feel alive and now i am still there, seven and a half, mopping up other’s problems and getting shot as the messenger and i can’t just leave because it is anything to feel alive

yes. ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!! i mean you don't have to get involved if you don't want to, or if something triggers you ofc, but it goes both ways. we'll always be there for you too lol as much as we can awwww thanks yall *hugs*

hi y'all, hugs for all! do y'all remember me lmao so i have always been the "mom" friend, or "therapist" friend, all of that jazz, since i was like eleven. i was raised to be mature, and i guess i friggin delivered or something because everyone tells me i'm comforting, i give great advice, i'm saving them where adults haven't. i'm a kid. idk sometimes it just feels like i'm left behind, mental stability wise. a lot of my friends were in worse places than me, and i was mediocre. the kind of thing that isn't an immediate danger, but still should be addressed, and of course because most adults fail kids in the mental health department (i am done sugar-coating it i'm gonna be so fr y'all i'm so fed up with my friend's parents and all the adults that thought it was charming and not concerning that i conversed easier with them than with kids i don't care if it's hard i have had to talk my friend down on video call from sh-ing a second time that night they were bleeding and they were thirteen and they had so many obvious tells and the knife was in the fricking room and you mean to tell me it is only THIS week that he's going to go to a psychiatric hospital how are adults not catching this why is it falling on other kids and why is it always me even though it is rarely my advice that actually helps i don't know what i am doing i am the messenger and i'd really just like it if the people with the messages said it themselves and i know it's selfish and i know it's scary for them and they could relapse and i can't because i never did but i cannot bear the weight of all of my friend's problems and i know i don't have to but if i don't, no one else will until worse comes to worse) and so basically i helped them and they go "i wouldn't be alive without you" and "you mean to much to me" and i love them i do but they're all getting better and i'm still just here and it turns out i'm the problem because i cannot expect kids in my age group to provide the same support for me that i did for them. and i know its selfish of me to expect it but like yeah idk jeez why is finding a therapist so hardddddddd

hi i'm good, i think? trying to get a therapist but it's been like a month and there's a lot of people searching for good ones so honestly i've just accepted that's never happening. oh well every so often i'll have really quick sh oriented thoughts but i've never really acted on them beforehand (well i've never broken skin or done anything i'd need to hide at least) but now when i have them i'll just stop. like someitmes i'll be itching a bug bite and instead of "wow i really hate mosquitos ugh" i'll think like "keep scratching until it bleeds" adn then i'll just stop itching it entirely until i stop thinking that. so yeah that's working hs is going great, love my social studies teacher he's acc hilarious and amazing and yeah. i miss my old class sometimes but it's not that bad anymore. i think i'm just generally doing better mentally (my self-esteem is still...iffy...but that's just being a teen i think so oh well)!! yippee!!! i've got some kind of seasonal depression-resembling thing (nothing's diagnosed) that starts up in spring so we'll see how i am till then... a bit ago my friend asked if i had an eating disorder since i didn't eat a lot and don't even when i get hungry throughout the day and i had to explain that i think it's just to do with my adhd. most eating disorders i think are out of attempts to get more control by not eating, and when i eat very little it's uncontrollable so yea. if it doesn't spark joy i can't do it. wish it would stop tho cause i'm hungry... anyways do y'all ever notice a friend or younger kid isn't doing so well mentally, offer your support and comfort, and then get saddled basically parenting them via text because their own parents do not tackle the mental wellbeing part of having kids apparently?? like i love this kid, and i want the best for him but it isn't my job to be his therapist or older sibling and their older sibling and parents just need to like man up at this point?? anyways yea local teen establishes herself as safe space, is surprised that is being used as safe space also my cat bear says hi

hi *hugs for everyone* i'm back i haven't really posted here in a while lol i think i was afraid of like relapsing into bad thoughts?? idk today i found this video it is very soothing except for that i am unaccustomed to acceptance and started crying but yea 10/10 would recommend