Asmodemon

Here’s the second and last part of the short story World-Ender. The comments I got on the first part were awesome. I’ve already got some ideas on how to improve the blocking and the emotional connection to the characters in the opening scenes. I’m very curious to see what you think of the second part, and the story as a whole. During the siege of the Straaxi galaxy the archangel Saraphiel leads her choir to battle on a red moon.

Thanks for the feedback everyone Blocking: The blocking at the start of the story has been a big problem for me, and I had a feeling I wasn’t quite there yet. It’s good to have that confirmed. I think I’m introducing too much too fast, while also trying to keep my word count down, and that is not working. I’ll probably cut the Starpool in the next draft, among other things. With angels turning into celestial bodies they wouldn’t need a device like this. Adjectives: My bane! I always put in too much, especially at the start of a story. Comma-splicing and comma use: Totally slipped past me. I’ll need to keep that in mind while doing my edits. Word limit: I’m not strictly under a word limit for this story, but I’m trying to stay under 8,000 words as a personal preference. Short stories have a tendency to not be so short when I’m done with them Sort of, but instead of firing a huge laser out of it like the Death Star, it creates a gravity well between the object it is attached to (the moon) and the planetary object it is aimed at (the Straaxi home world). And that basically pulls the moon towards the planet until they collide and destroy each other. I don’t want to spoil too much, but let’s just say that I’m not a believer in time travel as a fix for all problems. This!!! I want the nightmare to be real!!That would take the story in a completely different direction…I’m actually starting to consider that now… I'll be honest, I wanted another angel to ... wait, that happens in the second part

I'd like to submit the second part of the short story I submitted yesterday, if there's room.

It's been quite a while since I last submitted to the group. This time I'm submitting the first part (of two) of a short story I've been working on. During the siege of the Straaxi galaxy the archangel Saraphiel leads her choir to battle on a red moon.

I'll find a spot somewhere in the middle to cut the story in two

It's been a while, but I'd like to submit something on the 18th. It's a short story I've been working on that's roughly 7,700 words long, which is quite a bit over the usual limit. Would that be all right or should I split the story somewhere in the middle and make it two submissions?

I agree with what the others have already said, a very enjoyable read and funny too. I didn’t miss dialogue attributions or descriptions at all, the dialogue itself took care of that. The two voices are also distinct enough that I was never confused on who was speaking. The one confusing bit was with Geoffrey the son and/or centaur? I’m reasonably sure now that Geoffrey is not the centaur, but that took a bit of puzzling. Like Mandamon I also thought the ending was a little abrupt, especially since they’d just resolved all the previous issues and I didn’t get the feeling the madam was really that annoyed with it all.

Welcome to the group. I really enjoyed your first submission, it’s been a while since I read a good post-apocalyptic story. I’m looking forward to see where you’re going to take this. Prologue: I’m not sure you need to call your prologue a prologue, since this could just as easily simply be called chapter one. While the dream is of the past the fact that it is a dream, as well as the ending of the chapter, make it pretty clear the prologue is in the same timeframe as the next chapter, and you also don’t switch characters…so why not just call this chapter one? Dream opening: I found the opening a bit confusing, since your main character wants cake and his dad and in the dream he has both. I get that outside of the dream his father his dead, but that’s not what comes to my mind at first read. Boy: Up until the father says that Oz is just a little boy I was thinking the POV character was a girl. Rex: Interesting name for the mutated people, the Latin word for king. There is mention of a crown by one of the Rex, but I’m not seeing why the mutants are kings? By their speech they also seem to have a sort of hive structure to the group. Interesting, something to keep me hooked until you explain that somewhere in the story. Beautiful brides: I’m having a hard time matching your description of the Brides to them being beautiful. Their armor uses a cloaking device so their bodies are very hard to see. Their faces are mostly covered by some sort of mask except for the eyes and mouth – I’m kind of picturing a batman-like cowl for this. There is no way to really tell how they look given they are wearing body armor and a masks, never mind the fact to ascertain if they are beautiful or not. Also, they should be wearing breathing devices as well – that isn’t integrated in the mask they wear? That seems weird.

On the whole I liked part one more than I did part two. I also thought the action in part two could be made a bit clearer. And I’m not really a fan of the ending since on principle I don’t like dream-endings. Up to that point though I did enjoy reading the story. I was really looking forward to learning the rules of this after-life you presented, such as the meaning behind the bridge and the towers, but in the end none of it matters. Magdi: I wasn’t as bothered by the prostitute-falls-in-love-with-soldier plotline as some of the others were. In hindsight, knowing that this is all a dream, it also makes a kind of sense. Harth has a thing for her in real life so of course in his dream she also has a thing for him. In real life she probably doesn’t. Meaning of the bridge and fortresses: Obviously not a representation of good versus evil, or heaven and hell, maybe the conscious mind (white tower) versus the subconscious mind (black tower)? Is that the meaning of everything? Was there actually a meaning behind holding the bridge and the black and white towers? You never really explain that. Xikuon: I was actually expecting a mirror-version of Harth to step out of the black fortress. The name Xikuon that the Traveller drops means nothing to me. Dream: I was confused when Harth just woke up. I had to reread the ending two times before it dawned on me that the whole story was a dream. It did disappoint me, since I wasn’t expecting that at all. I was expecting something that dealt with the afterlife rather than it all having been a dream. Thinking back on the story there are hints there it is all a dream. Dream-Harth sleeps when it is day, the dream of holding the bridge doesn’t actually start until dusk when he goes to sleep in real life. Just hypothesizing here, but the time that he ‘woke up’ late was probably because in real life he went to sleep late. That’s pretty cool. It still makes me feel though that none of the actions that he did, or the people he lost in the dream, mattered. Even though he did learn things he could take with him in real life, the impact of the story feels lessened to me because no one in the dream was actually lost.

I know this is flash fiction and thus rather short, but it seems more like the seed of a story than a story itself. First sentence: I liked the first sentence for setting the scene, but after that the story might just as well be in a void with faceless characters. Rule of Three: Is that based on the idea of the Holy Trinity? The importance of the number three is very cultural specific, there are plenty of places where the number three has no meaning at all. That makes it a bit odd that this Master names it the gospel truth of humanity. What happens to these three souls?: It’s not clear why these three souls are singled out and what the difference is between this and a regular killing by Death, since you say that his blade falls on all mortals. So what’s actually going on here? Dark but not insurmountable: I take it you mean the loss of inspiration is not insurmountable and the world without these three people in it is not so much darker? That does not really become all that clear from the text. The sentence reads a bit awkward. Rhetorical question: The Master just said inspiration is a renewable resource, so when the Apprentice asks if it’s renewable it makes the apprentice seem sort of stupid. A different reading might be that the Apprentice is skeptical about the Master’s claim that inspiration is renewable (which is better in my opinion), but that alternative reading I only thought of on a second pass through the story. Capitalization: There is a lot of capitalization of words, that are not really necessary and are kind of distracting. Grammar: Some grammar issues, after someone speaks, you shouldn’t capitalize the next bit if you use use words like ‘said’ after speaking. So this: “But why three?” The Apprentice said. Should be: “But why three?” the apprentice said. (and I’d replace said by asked too) Reveal: Good reveal with the two characters being Death, but that does mean that before that moment these characters are completely undescribed which makes it harder to imagine what’s going on while reading the story.

I agree with Robinski, if you've got more of the story I also suggest you keep posting it to the group rather than going back now to change everything. That way you'll know for sure which things worked or did not work for others, rather than having to guess at them. If you start reworking things now you may 'fix' the wrong things.

Well, the others have already dissected this submission pretty well, I don’t have much more to add to that. The emotional conversations and the fallout between Baxter and Kim are pretty strong stuff, but Baxter’s mental issues and the presence of magic/portals/possession/talking animals does make things confusing. Ghost’s gender: I didn’t get in the last chapter that the entity possessing Kim was a woman, but that’s fine. What I found a bit weird was that when Baxter asks Kim how she knew it was a woman, she says: “She was kind of preoccupied with my breasts”. Why would another woman be so preoccupied with another woman’s breasts? From that line I’d more expect the ghost to be a man… Shock: I didn’t really get the feeling that Kim was in shock by the possession. As I read chapter two I really started to wonder how much Kim actually knows about Baxter, his powers, and what’s going on. Time jump: I read your summary first, so I knew there was a time jump going in, but as I was reading the submission I missed the time jump until halfway through chapter three. Between the end of chapter two, driving Kim to her home, and chapter three, where Baxter got home (at least what I thought was his home on the first read-through and was actually Kim’s), felt like a maybe a difference of an hour or so. That made the rest of the chapter confusing, since I still thought he’d just seen Kim. You do make references to something that happened months ago, but it didn’t click that the events of months ago were actually chapter two. Cat: I liked the banter between Baxter and the cat, but it did make me scratch my head. It’s yet another form of magic (or Baxter’s madness?) in a relatively short time. Now we’ve got interdimensional portals, possession, talking animals, and whatever it is that’s causing these mental issues in Baxter. I wonder if it’s a bit much? Divorced: Okay, chapter three makes it pretty clear that these two are divorced, a lot more than chapter one did. Or, since that was before the seven month time-skip, were they still together in chapter one? I get confused about that. I remember Baxter making references to the two of them having sex back in chapter one, and that made me assume they were still together. Also with the fact that Kim went with him on his wild goose chase – if they were broken up, would she have also done that? Hm, I was picturing them all a lot younger… The mental issues do make things more confusing to read. On the one hand I’m keen to keep reading to find out what’s happening, but on the other hand we’re three chapters in and I’m still confused about everything that’s happening, which is very frustrating, and when I get frustrated with a story I’m more likely to stop reading. It makes me wonder how much of Baxter’s mental issues you actually need plot-wise and if you could tone down on his issues (especially the memory problems) in order to make the story more clear. The fact that you’re explaining a lot of things here in the comments is a clear indicator that something essential is missing from the story itself.

Reading the first part again I see that the synesthesia hints are there, but there's so much weirdness going on with Baxter's perspective that it didn't register before now. It's the same thing with the demonstrations of his power, in this submission and the last, Baxter's POV is so unfocused that it's hard to keep track of what's going on and of the things that matter. That does make following what's going on difficult, especially with unknown forms of magic and/or paranormal things in the mix. My advice? Just take it slow. It's not important yet to know there's a twenty year mystery going on. First we need to get to know the main character a bit more and start to care about what he's doing.

Summary: Oddly enough, like the last submission, the summary is kind of more interesting than the actual thing. I see a line like this: “The otherworldly powers Baxter Phelps developed as a teen have left him mentally scarred. He’s learned to cope through self-medication, and using his powers to cheat his way through life as much as possible.” And I’m interested. However there was nothing of that in the last submission, except for the mental issues. And it’s the same in this chapter. Focused: This chapter was more focused than the last one, in terms of tangential thoughts. Those are still there, but as being unfocused is basically Baxter’s character I’m fine with some stray thoughts here and there. So that’s good. Synesthesia: This came up for the first time in this submission, but I don’t recall it propping up anywhere in the last submission. Probably wasn’t noticeable because he was alone. In part 1 Baxter’s problem was that he can’t focus and has a horrible memory. Now it’s also synesthesia. That’s a lot of issues Baxter has that gets thrown out at the reader. Banter with Kim: I’m not really sure what to make of the banter yet. Half the time I think Baxter and Kim must be divorced, since there’s so much vitriol in what they’re saying. He has issues, she seems like she knows of them (at least some of them), but there is hardly any consideration there. Then the next few lines of banter are almost playful. So I don’t really know what to make of these two yet and I think it’s because there is no context yet for this pair, since this is the first time they’re together in the story. Why Kim: I don’t really get why he has to take Kim with him to see the door and test if it’s real. If it’s really that dangerous he’s taking an awful big risk. Last chapter he couldn’t wait to get out of that location, now he’s going back with his wife, who apparently has no idea that there are doorways her husband can see. Powers: Still confused about Baxter’s power. What can he do? There’s also no real context yet about why he keeps forgetting stuff. Banter with ghost: Can no one speak without banter and general rudeness? So far, we’re two for two. I must say that this beating around the bush that the ghost does is pretty annoying, since it adds to the confusion about what’s going on. The questions keep piling up: what are the doors? What is Baxter’s power? Why does it unhinge him mentally? Now we also have, who’s the ghost? Why are there ghosts? Is it even ghost? Baxter is not surprised by ghosts or possession by someone with mental powers, has he encountered more? Wasn’t this a story about extra-dimensional portals rather than ghosts? Like Baxter’s unfocused mind it also feels like the story lacks focus; are we looking at a supernatural ghost story? A more sci-fi parallel dimension invasion story? Realization about the ghost: Baxter seems to have realized, by the end of the chapter, who the ghost is or most likely is. And it has meaning to him. But not to the reader. Cutting off the chapter before letting the reader in on the secret feels a little cheap. It’s not a problem to end chapters like that once in a while, and can work as a page turner, but do that too many times and it’s more annoying than exciting. Just something to keep in mind Length concern: It feels like you’re discovery writing through this (is that correct?), rather than working from a fixed outline. It feels that way because after reading this submission and seeing that this is part 2 and 3 of chapter one, that leaves us with a chapter one that is 8000 words long. For a typical novel of 100K words that means 1/12 is already over and it doesn’t feel like we’re 1/12 through the story. For me that always sets off a small alarm bell. Maybe a bit premature, since it’s only the second submission, but I’m just throwing it out there. Antagonist: Best of the three parts was the presence of the ghost, even though the lack of information did annoy me, there’s a sign of an antagonist and more antagonists to come. Looking forward to see what exactly is going on.

I remember that feeling from when I first submitted to the group years ago. It really is a different animal to show your work to others, especially with the intent of having it critiqued. From personal experience I can tell you It really helps a lot though. As for having to wait a week for your first critique, well, it's already there Congratulations, that's awesome

Welcome to the group The summary, of an Urban Fantasy in an Amish type county piques my interest. The first chapter though, and the main character, don’t have me sold quite yet. Nor has the setting, since it’s basically a forest right now, but I’m interested to see more of the setting. Baxter: Not quite sure what to make of this guy yet. He has some form of magic, but from his thinking he might also be crazy. At the very least he’s paranoid, he lacks focus, and he has a voice in his head. Magic? Madness? Either possibility (or hell, maybe even both, a crazy magic user) has potential, but right now it makes for a confusing character. His ‘sane inner voice’ doesn’t sound too sane either. Lack of focus: The lack of focus that Baxter has comes into play with his thoughts and memories going all over the place, from hints to a magic he has, to his family, to his wife, to a movie he watched, and nothing is really germane to what’s going on in the forest. Part of me does feel it’s a nice way to show this trait, this lack of focus, but the effect also goes to waste because there’s too much flashbacks going on, compared to the present where Baxter is actually supposed to be doing something. Confusing: The constant switch between present and flashbacks, in combination with Baxter’s other rambling thoughts, made for a confusing read. I really had no idea what was actually going on here for most of the chapter, there were so many tangential things going on in Baxter’s head/perspective. One such example early on is with the following sequence: Why does that mean it isn’t him? What is not actually him? Who are they? Why is he relieved by this? Why does the forest’s quiet warrant more investigation? Nothing there makes sense to me. Phelps: I kept wondering who this Phelps guy was that Baxter kept referring to in his thoughts, thinking that it was either the name of the ‘rational’ voice he keeps hearing, or some other character we haven’t seen yet. It wasn’t until near the end (and rereading your post) that I realized that Phelps was Baxter’s last name. Purple prose: The language usage is on the purple side, using three words where one will do. This could be a style preference, but combined with the flashbacks and memories it caused me to start skimming. When I start skimming that’s usually when the book loses my interest. Nothing happens: The biggest problem I had was that in all the fourteen pages of this chapter nothing happens. Baxter is cleaning a carcass, he gets a bad feeling, and a portal opens. Fourteen pages is a lot for so little. And when the portal opens he remembers another portal opening, but that’s just a tease because he doesn’t go into specifics. Worse though is that he then packs up his stuff and leaves. It’s really anticlimactic.

This is a short submission, so it’s hard to draw any definite conclusions about it, especially concerning the main character, Alfred. However, I do have some first impressions. To answer your questions first: How's the writing? does it flow smoothly: From what I read so far, it read pretty smoothly to me. There are two glaring issues though, and that is tense and point of view. The point of view either shifts from Alfred to the harbor master and back (which is a mistake in third person limited) or you’re writing in third person omniscient, which isn’t used often and takes some getting used to. The problem with the tense is that you shift between past tense and present tense a lot, sometimes in the same sentence. That’s something to look out for, pick a tense and stay with it. How did you find the tone of this first part ?: I found the tone to be pretty light, even comical, where the harbor master is concerned. What tone were you going for? What do you think of Alfred so far? I found the way he could block off the outside world so completely in the beginning very interesting. It makes me wonder if it’s some sort of skill, whether he is autistic, or if there’s some magic involved. I liked him less when he focused on the harbor master. He was confrontational (when the harbor master was in the right to question his presence), threatening, and a lot like a thug. He wasn’t sympathetic, if that’s what you were going for. His strength is impressive, also makes me wonder if he’s using some sort of magic. On the whole I’d need to read more of him to figure out whether I’d want to read more about him. Right now I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. I think I switched the POV twice without realizing it. Did you feel that change ? Do you find it appropriate or does it throw you off ? Yes, I noticed it, see also my remark above. No, I did not find it appropriate and yes, it did throw me off. Shouting: Not a fan of using all-caps to show shouting. And one exclamation mark is more than enough as well. Harbor master: Did not like this character. He’s a caricature of a person, one who rages and spits and throws temper tantrums. Then he’s all calms. Then, at the drop of the hat he’s a child with anger issues all over again. All of it read very cliché. Even the smack-down felt cliché. Crowd: Where did this crowd come from? Why are they all laughing, and smirking and chuckling? One glare from the harbour master sends them scurrying again. They gained nothing in laughing at their boss, and now they are on his radar, so why do it? One way, or the other: You have a lot of instances where a character says one thing, in one tone, yet the character’s expression shows the complete opposite. It happens so much it gets noticeable, and people usually don’t work that way. And it’s not just with the characters, it’s complete situations as well. Things shift from complete fury, to calm, with little rhyme or reason. Harbor master is calm, then he erupts in rage and spittle, his workers laugh at him and are unafraid, then the master is calm, his workers are suddenly afraid of him, scurrying away in a panic. It doesn’t feel logical. Maybe there’s a reason for it. Some form of magic influencing him and others? But without that as an established part of the context it’s just confusing. He would never forget this day: Don’t like this as an ending to a scene. It’s very final, and never is a long time. A really long time indeed. To me that means the character is never coming back, when from the situation and the characters involved there is no reason why this character would never come back.

My overall feeling with the whole ending is that it is unsatisfying, you’ve started a lot of things through the story, but they either don’t go anywhere (relationships, vampires) or they do (ritual, Big Bad), but when the end comes it is (on the whole) unsatisfying. Tightening up the story will help, since the grammar and spelling issues detracted from the reading experience. Golems: I was expecting some prehistoric monsters rising out of the ground when Rewer used his power, not golems. Certainly not fully readied and prepared golems with sigils on their heads – if Rewer was animating the ground I’d expect them to live and die solely on his command. Bullet: One bullet is all it takes for the rocket to explode. This reads very much like an action-movie trope, especially since our heroine manages it with one bullet at the key time. Rewer: The great mummy, who just a few chapters ago used the dead skin cells on a man’s face to kill him, falls so easily by fire. There was no real battle, he just stood (did he stand on the golem?) on his golem, got blown off his golem, and set on fire with a lighter. That’s a big anti-climax to me. Apparently the priests of old tried anything except set a dried out corpse on fire like kindling… Blackmail: How quickly Stephanie resorts to blackmail to gain control of the company. Now, Sean is an cremhole and he deserves what he gets, but after everything that happened I wonder at how easily Stephanie uses Irving’s legacy to usurp control. Did she even consider weeding out all the bad seeds and gaining control that way? Speaking of Sean, he has no redeeming qualities and it’s a wonder he got in charge in the first place. Maybe you should reconsider his role. Bannister/Evelyn: they seem to have a relationship, but it’s never really confirmed, and it never really goes anywhere. Renfield/Stephanie: The same here, there are implications and groundwork that there may be something growing between the two of them, but it doesn’t go anywhere either. Neither really acknowledges it and just brushes it off, like it doesn’t matter. And so, in the grand scheme of the story, it doesn’t matter. And that’s a pity. Attraction between these enemies would bring an emotional tension to the story, especially combined with the fact that Stephanie is already in a relationship. But alas, aside from hints there is nothing. Stephanie/Harker: Don’t believe these two should be a couple. Harker is nothing but an cremhole and frankly speaking not that competent. The relationship that is there is abusive and while that could be interesting, the story doesn’t really go there. I can’t think of many action-hero type heroines that, while kickass against monsters, are also in an abusive relationship. That is difficult to write though. Father: This is the first time the father is in the story, so I have no real idea what this character is like. He can’t be a good guy, because Stephanie feels like she needs to blackmail her uncle in order to deal with her father, rather than joining her father in cleaning house of the bad seeds. Like most of Westenra he doesn’t believe in Stephanie, or in the things she says or does. Yet on the other hand he does go along with her plan (just like Harker did in the last submission). Why? It feels too easy. On the one hand you create conflict, but on the other it is resolved instantly because Stephanie gets her will anyway. Serena: Ah, the so called dead sister. It doesn’t surprise me that she is alive, but I’m not sold on her being the secret mastermind all along. Or for her being part of the ceremony and everything else. She doesn’t have any presence in the story itself, or maybe I just missed them, so having her in the epilogue is to tease a sequel and nothing else. That feels cheap, in my opinion. Irving: Still not a fan of him. Vampires: The vampires were working for Rewer right? Since they were pretty denigrating to Dracula (and Serena calls Dracula her lord, so they couldn’t have worked for her) they must have, but you never go into why or how. Apparently they switched sides before Renfield sunk his master in a submarine, but how can that be? And they’re only there for one brief cameo, also a pity. If they worked for Rewer, why weren’t they present at the ritual?

I agree with Mandamon and Robinski, the tension could be ramped up a lot more. I’m not feeling the end-of-the-world, the devil-is-coming, threat that I should feel at this point. The Scholomance is this big threat, because it could create another Dracula. Unfortunately we’ve only seen big-scary Dracula when Renfield sank him to the bottom of the ocean. And quite easily at that. We didn’t see what he could really do. The other thing this ritual can do is provide people with knowledge. Given what human knowledge is already capable of (atomic bombs, etc.) a little extra dark knowledge couldn’t hurt much more. So the threat of the ritual isn’t as high as it could be. Still I’m looking forward to where this is going. I hope to see more of Rewer’s power and, honestly, I want Dracula to show up Some specific points/issues I had with this submission are the following. Boys: Evelyn has to call Bannister and Renfield to order again. Still not a fan of how adversarial everyone is with each other in this story. Alternative: Evelyn says it’s the ‘best alternative we have’. Alternative implies there was a primary plan and they didn’t follow it. What was that plan? And why didn’t they do that instead? Because on the one hand using one set of enemies to destroy another is a good plan, but on the other they’ve got the tracker on while they are still on route…and guess what, they get found on route. Better plan: Activate tracker on target location. Cloaks: Ah, so everyone is wearing robes to give Stephanie a disguise. Gotcha. Still a bit cliché though to have robes for the evil cultists to summon the devil. Drunk: Rewer lets the patsies he needs to complete the ritual walk around unsupervised and worse, get drunk? Won’t that hurt his ritual at all? Jokes: The dumb bad guys are not funny. Even joking those are the stupidest questions I’ve ever read. Sorry, I don’t want to sound harsh, but I hated that part. Woods: Convenient to have the abandoned oil field in the woods. Payback is a bitch: I’ve commented on this before, but all the characters keep on doing stupid things. This time it’s Stephanie against Texas, she could have killed him clean, but instead she wants to make him pay. Screw payback. She’s alone in the middle of nowhere, about to be used in a ritual to summon the devil. And it’s unlikely Rewer will let her go afterward. She needs to escape. That should have been her top priority, not payback. Weight joke: I had to pause for a bit, then I remembered that I read Texas joking about how he expected a younger, thinner virgin for the ritual in the last submission, which I’d just read. I felt that there is a little too much time in between those two moments to immediately make her remark click. Knives: Okay, so that’s why they need knives, to draw their own blood. A bit old fashioned, what’s wrong with a syringe and a needle? Harker: Harker is starting to become a caricature of himself, coming in with a rocket launcher on a helicopter. Having him show up to have a go at Renfield every time, with manic glee it seems, is getting old. Also, there may be innocent victims inside the car with Renfield, but that doesn’t even seem to occur to Harker. Westenra: Where is the rest of Westenra, certainly one helicopter can’t be the only resource they have? Whatever Renfield said when he called Westenra wasn’t very good, if they only send one helicopter. Oh wait, I just realized he hadn’t called Westenra, he had just activated the tracker. Now I really wonder at Renfield’s plan, because there’s no way to know what kind of response Westenra would give to a tracker coming online. Nine scholars: By my count, with Texas and East-Coast gone, and Stephanie stepping up for the ritual, we’re still one scholar down. Rewer should be able to count, so why is the ritual progressing if there is one guy missing? Does that mean you don’t need nine people? Keep going: For all Renfield, Bannister, and Evelyn know Stephanie seems to have escaped. They are stung by being betrayed by Rewer, but what is their motivation now to keep going on to stop the ritual? Payback? A misguided belief they should rescue Stephanie when really she has done nothing for them and is still a hunter? I had to scratch my head a little here. They are taking a big risk here. They could let Rewer do his thing and instead get moving to getting themselves and the Terminal into hiding. Inconsistent guard patrols: The guard patrols around the facility are inconsistent and only there (or not there) to further the plot. There is a convenient guard (only one?) with a flashlight when Stephanie is walking away. Rather than approach him and take him down she instead goes to the ritual site with him. He also grabs her arm – that shows a lack of respect for the partners of his boss. Also, if they are that close, and Stephanie still has the knife, she could have made a surprise attack on him to escape. Sure she could have failed, but best case scenario she’d have gotten away, and worst case scenario the guard drags her to the ritual site, which is exactly what happens anyway. On the other side of the spectrum, there are no guards at all when the others get to the forest and they can just walk in.

Another step closer to the climax, which is good. It feels more and more that the big finale is coming and I like that. Like the others I do have a couple points that didn’t work well for me. Incompetent evil overlord: Shoot first, then hand over the disposal to your minions. This is where Rewer is being an idiot because the plot dictates that Renfield save Bannister and Evelyn. If you’ve got your enemies at your mercy and you don’t need them anymore, they should really be killed right away. After all the narrow escapes everyone had so far Rewer should know better than to give his enemies an opening. And so we get another pair of incompetent mercenaries/hunters to oversee the disposal of Bannister and Evelyn. Aim through walls: Renfield can’t do his best not to shoot Bannister. He can’t see anyone through walls. Cutting free: I’m having a hard time picturing how she could try to cut herself free without the men knowing, feeling, and/or seeing what she’s doing. Also, they sound like wannabee bad guys. No offense, but I’m getting an ‘idiot’ vibe from these guys as well. Robes: Bit of a cliché to have them wear dark robes. Also, if these are the ‘scholars’ and ‘businessmen’ who are going to do the ritual, why is one of them carrying around a big knife? I didn’t get the impression that a sacrifice (save the one guy the devil keeps and, oh boy, is the devil getting the worst in this deal) was needed. And if one is needed, Rewer or Irving (who are clearly in charge) should be the ones to do it.

It feels like we’re nearing the end now, things are clearly coming to a head. I liked chapters 47 and 49, which is unique since I usually don’t care for Irving chapters. This one was all right, though I do wonder at him leaving his car behind in a trainyard and Rewer letting him. That might send up a red flag somewhere. Chapter 49 was good too, good insight into Irving’s motivations and Stephanie was smart faking another episode, though previous times she was shown the scroll she didn’t seem to be able to look away fast enough. I guess this time she'd prepared herself for that eventuality and that does her a lot of credit. It's good to see competence in the main characters. Chapter 48 wasn’t working for me. I didn’t like the hunters here and I didn’t really believe that Renfield could make an escape, given what was happening. Language: Still rough, with grammar issues, spelling issues, missing words or wrong words. What this needs is a good proofreading. Monsters: Those who hunt monsters should take care not to become monsters themselves. Apparently Stephanie’s team didn’t learn that lesson. Beating down on a captive, even one who works for monsters, should not be done. Excuses might be made for Harker, and the stress he’s under, but not the rest of the team. Apparently though this is common practice, as no one is surprised by it and everyone joins in. It seems more and more that everyone who works for Westenra is either an idiot or a psychopath, or both. And they were beating on him for sixteen minutes! Sixteen! Either they weren’t really trying or there’s no way that Renfield would have been able to move afterward. Light switch: Very convenient that he’s lying where the switch is. The hunters were in there for an easy twenty minutes. And in that time no one thought to move Renfield away from where he was originally (just to make sure he had no surprises close to him) or to see a switch/panel near his legs? Harker’s reluctance to listen: It’s hard to get a positive read on Harker and what the hell Stephanie saw in him. On the one hand I like that he doesn’t want to listen to Renfield. It makes him the opposite of Irving, who would do anything for the woman he loves. Harker believes she is lost and won’t believe anything else – he wouldn’t make a deal with the devil for love, and in a way that is commendable. On the other hand, is that what being in love with someone means for him? Not even entertaining the smallest possibility of hope? He’s also quite sure he knows what has happened. Yes, he got knocked out by Stephanie, but after that he hasn’t seen her. Everything he thinks she did is based on hearsay. And I think she tried to convince him Irving was lying earlier when they’d found Seward’s body. Shouldn’t he have some doubts? Shouldn’t he have more faith in her? Now, if you’re going for an abusive/dysfunctional relationship between the two of them, that might be interesting. I don’t see that in fiction often. But Stephanie doesn’t read as the kind of person who’d accept that. Udemy: Had to look it up. Apparently it’s an online educational website, but I wouldn’t know that and it’s not, I should think, common knowledge. Could be wrong though, but I didn’t know it and I don’t think I’m the only one.

Ah, the big reveal of the big bad. Truthfully not that big of a surprise to me. Barring an unseen character he was the only real candidate, which became especially clear when he wanted to preserve the scroll for the power and knowledge it possesses. I liked that he’s also the founder of Quaris (though truth be told I’d forgotten all about them) – this guy is clever. His reveal of himself to Stephanie before he actually caught her was a bit rash though. Being as old as he is, he should be more inclined to play the long game, which means not revealing himself before he absolutely has to. Language: Still rough, still a problem with me enjoying the chapters. Trainyard: Last chapter Renfield ran interference to the hunters on the airfield. Apparently there are Quaris troops around as well. As such, how did Stephanie and the Council get away? The big bad might have arranged that with Quaris, but the hunters should have noticed, shouldn’t they? Timeline wise there seems a big gap between chapters 44 and 45, while the start of chapter 46 should take place before chapter 45 given that Renfield is still on the airfield. Maybe you could rearrange the chapters a bit to remove that time-jump. Found again: How did they find Renfield again after he got off the airfield? Did they follow him? Or just assumed that he would be there? In either case, it’s sloppy for the servant of Dracula who is supposed to be great at escapes. Harker: I keep thinking about the previous chapters in which we’ve seen Harker, such as him laughing after Stephanie almost fell down some stairs, as well as his possessiveness towards her. And then this chapter, where he’s rather psycho towards Renfield, doesn’t make me like him any better. Renfield is willing to talk, to tell him where Stephanie is. Instead of hearing him out and figuring out if Renfield is lying, he knocks Renfield out with a cruel smile. And I think it’s the ‘cruel smile’ that makes me dislike Harker. If he’d done it because he had to, in order to get Renfield to a secure location quickly, I’d be fine with it. But he’s being cruel to be cruel.

An alternate reality take on angels and the war in heaven, sounds good to me. I’m looking forward to see where you’re taking this. Coming at this late most of the grass has already been cut before me, so I don’t have much to add to what’s already been said. I do have a couple things that I noticed were odd. Take back the city: Catherine speaks of needing reinforcements to take back the city, but at that point the city isn’t taken yet. If it was, she’d know about it. There are some buildings on fire, but fire doesn’t equate an invading army. Friend: Michael thinks of Hellas as his friend, but the conversation between them wasn’t one of friends, more like adversaries. Improvised weapons: Why are the traitors using improvised weapons? Aren’t they Lucifer’s personal forces that he took from his Inquisition? Why don’t they have ‘real’ weapons? Later you refer to them as farmers and craftsmen, who took Lucifer’s side. That does challenge my image of the angels of Heaven, since I don’t picture them as farmers, but I’ll roll with it since it’s an alternate reality. I do think it’s odd that Lucifer hasn’t taken actual soldiers or fighters or demons with him to the temple. The way it reads now is that he has the advantage of surprise, but given time a trained force would mop the floor with an army of farmers and craftsmen. Defeat: Lucifer’s defeat felt too easy to me. Two angels beat some farmers and Lucifer is ready to call it quits. At the end of the prologue Hellas says that the first real attack came a month after the coup. If Lucifer had waited a month to get those forces before springing his surprise attack he would have most likely won. Instead he used farmers and got beaten. Either he’s not as smart as he thinks he is, or he never intended to win… Apathy: The Trinity should be God in this universe too right? As in very, very, powerful? As such I find it odd that they do nothing to defend themselves. There’s a difference in being apathetic to other creatures, especially short-lived mortals, and losing your own life.

I don’t have much more to add to what Mandamon and Robinski have already said. They’ve nailed my concerns with this chapter. Language: It’s rough again, which makes for some confusing segments to read. Renfield: I liked that he was taking action, but I’m not sold on the action. His saying “Sinister laugh” really threw me out of the moment too. Holmwood: I also get that Holmwood is kind of a comic relief character, since he bungles everything, but like other comic relief characters in other media I find his incompetence more annoying than funny. Especially considering the incompetence of other characters who are not supposed to be comic relief. Sean: He’s stupid, I get that, though he’s also supposed to be a good hunter. He’s the CEO for some reason, but he’s not on the ball on what’s going on in his organization. Like Irving says everything seems to go past him, except that he somehow knows he had to confront Irving for answers rather than work with him to find out the answers. Why does he know that Irving is behind everything? I was more expecting him to lament to Irving that weird things were going on and that he needs Irving’s help to figure it out. And I suppose if a British Prime Minister can supposedly do things with a dead pig, I suppose a CEO hunter can do things with a werewolf? Though it’s another mark against a guy who already has nothing positive going for him. Irving: I wasn’t annoyed by him this chapter. He acted like a bad guy, taking control of his boss and the organization. He has gathered information and apparently it’s thorough. Though I wonder at the wisdom of just trying to blackmail Sean when playing dumb could have worked just as well (“I don’t know what’s going on boss, but I’m going to find out”) , and he’d still have his cards close to the vest. Stephanie: Oh Stephanie, this time it’s her turn to act stupid. Using a place she and her boyfriend have a close connection to as a safe house, when on the run from said boyfriend, is not the best idea. She stands to lose everything on discovery and it doesn’t cost him anything to at least check it out or to put in a little surveillance. Her using it reads like a convenient way to get the actual Westenra hunters back on her trail. I think you can do better in how you let that happen. Comma use around said: Grammar issue. You have a number of instances where you use a period instead of a comma, such as: “Renfield, this is crem dung.” Stephanie said. Should be: “Renfield, this is crem dung,” Stephanie said.

Glad to be of help