Rayonn

I like it in general, however I happen to belong to a (very small, admittedly) set of readers who are going to find a book like this nearly unreadable unless the paleobiology is done very well, in which case we will love it. So, assuming you want to cater to the subset of the audience I represent (a dubious assumption, but a necessary one), I've got some pointers: 1. Choose a specific time and place. Given what you said earlier in the thread, you probably want latest Cretaceous for the time; might I suggest Montana for the place? Then you're looking at the ecosystem of the Hell Creek Formation, which is well-studied. (Yeah, I know it's a pocket universe, so it's not actually -in- Montana, but maybe the animals in the pocket universe were taken from a specific region. Alternately, you could just ignore this point if it doesn't make sense for your setting.) In this case, you would be a bit late for Pteranodon (but see point 2). 2. Use azhdarchids! These are a group of big pterosaurs that appear to have spent a lot of time on the ground. Quetzalcoatlus is one of the most famous, and it's one of the most -awesome- animals ever to have lived. Long-legged, quadrupedal, nearly as tall as a giraffe, long stabbing beak (five feet long), eats pretty much any thing it can catch. Runs, wades, soars. Look for the work of Mike Habib and Mark Witton (some of it is available on the web, and if you can find their email addresses they will probably send you pdfs if asked politely). Most likely it would fly for long range travel, then land and walk around to hunt. The fossils are from Texas, but pterosaurs didn't fossilize easily, so it's not much of a stretch to put it in Montana. 3. Remember birds are almost certainly a type of maniraptor (small, predatory dinosaurs such as raptors and some other things). Velociraptor and its relatives were probably covered in feathers. Also, most of the latest Cretaceous dromaeosaurs (i.e. raptors) were much smaller than the ones in Jurassic Park, which are based on a much earlier genus (Deinonychus). Like, turkey-sized. Not that wild turkeys aren't scary. (Carnivorous turkeys would be even scarier). Nor were they as smart as Jurassic Park makes them (though still fairly smart). Dangerous to humans in packs, but probably not individually (unless they had some reason to risk injury, like if defending a nest). 4. Juvenile tyrannosaurs are underrated. Yeah, the big adults could eat you in one bite, but a young one (last result I read estimated 12 years to maturity for tyrannosaurs, much longer than for other dinosaurs which would mature in one 1-4 years or more, depending on size) would be small enough to put all their running adaptations to use. They have long lower legs and a modified metatarsal (a bone in the foot), and might be able to catch you on a bike. (A full grown Tyrannosaurus was probably to big to run.) These guys would probably be the most dangerous predator to adult humans in the Hell Creek ecosystem, with Quetzalcoatlus as the reason you have to watch your kids. Thomas Holtz is one of the authorities on tyrannosaurs. 5. Remember herbivorous does not mean nice. There are lots (and lots and lots) of horned dinosaurs (Triceratops, Torosaurus) in the Hell Creek ecosystem. I can imagine them having the personality of rhinos (or even huge wild boar--which don't mind scavenging dead animals.) 6. Finally, remember that most animals don't fossilize. So if you want something from outside your chosen time or place, or just want to make something up, you can just say 'it was there, we never found the fossils, too bad'. (You might lampshade that, though.) Sorry, that was long and involved, and didn't really touch on your story that much. Feel free to ignore it. (But I hope you don't--there aren't many great fantasies with cutting-edge dinosaurs, and I'm liking what I've seen of your story.) EDIT: Fixed the numbering.

I'm Rayonn (short for Rayonnoceras, which is a genus of prehistoric cephalopods) I'm studying to be a paleontologist or evolutionary biologist of some sort (hoping to start my Master's this fall), but I've got a secondary interest in history and I like to read fantasy and scifi. I write because I get ideas for stories, characters or settings (usually settings--and often alternate prehistory settings, like 'What if dinosaurs had survived the K/T boundary event?') and if I don't do anything with them I'll forget them eventually. (Ideas are cheap, but I like to think mine are at least kinda different because of my interests.) I haven't finished a novel-length project. Or really even made a dent in one. I'm currently trying to choose one of my ideas and get in the habit of writing on it regularly. I posted the first chapter of the alternate history I was working on and was convinced by the comments that I need to do more research on it. I don't want to have that excuse (I get worldbuilder's disease already), so I'm probably going to focus on a secondary world or urban fantasy for now. My favorite non-excuses authors are Tolkien, C. S. Lewis, Patrick O'Brian, S. M. Stirling, GRRM, Susanna Clarke, Orson Scott Card, and Stephen J. Gould (ok, he's nonfiction*), in no particular order (except for Tolkien being first). Larry Niven and Jim Butcher will probably get on that list once I read more of their stuff. *There are advantages to that--I met one of the main characters of one of my favorite books at a geology conference.

If you're going to the trouble of recovering the bullets, you might as well melt them down for the valuable aluminum. But it's an interesting idea--sort of like feruchemists getting an advantage from storing attributes. I wonder: if an aluminum gnat swallows an allomantic metal other than aluminum, can they destroy it by burning aluminum even though it's not something they could burn? Can they destroy non-allomantic metals? I'm guessing yes to the first, no to the second.

I noticed that chapters in which Szeth, Shallan, and Jasnah are introduced are each marked with the herald of their order*. Szeth: 1, Jezrien Shallan: 6, Shalash Jasnah: 5 However, Kaladin, who I believe is confirmed as a Windrunner--Jezrien's order--has a different herald: Taln, I think. Possibly Kaladin, as the 'backstory character' for this book, is indicated with a herald somehow related to what happens to him in the chapter, rather than the herald of his order... maybe. I'm pretty sure Jezrien heads the chapter that Kaladin speaks the second ideal (I don't have the book with me to check). Also, Dalinar is introduced in a chapter headed by Hoid (who also appears in that chapter) and Jezrien. I'm not sure what this might mean. *Actually, Shallan's presumed order, one of Jasnah's two possible orders given that presumption, and the order that matches Szeth's powerset even though he gets his powers some other way.

My favorite cosmere character is Marsh. Several reasons: - Characters who have to fight their own psychology or other corrupting influences are interesting to me for some reason. (Peter Wiggin is my favorite character in the Ender's Game cycle, and I loved the John Wayne Cleaver books by Dan Wells). - With nothing but cleverness, strength of will, and a bit of luck, he manages to screw up Ruin's plans (even though Ruin was using him as his chief pawn) and plays as big of a part in saving the world as anyone but Sazed. And nobody even knows (except Sazed, apparently). - And then he shows up at the end of Alloy of Law as Hemalurgic Batman. And mentions that he and Scadrial's god don't always see eye to eye. This scene (and similar ones for Sazed, TenSoon, and even Vin and Spook) was worth reading the book for even if the story itself hadn't been any good. (One thing Alloy of Law era Scadrial has in common with the Discworld: an awesome personification of Death) On an unrelated note: Funny how many of these are also true of the Doctor...

Having Vin looking after him gives Elend a bit more margin for error than most of Martin's heroes. There are several events (especially in aGoT and aSoS) that would have gone completely differently if Catelyn Stark had been a Mistborn of anything like Vin's proficiency.

Or maybe he'll kill Adolin off to give Renarin a defining character motivation... that seems like it would be more interesting/different from what happened to Kaladin. Actually I don't see Brandon just killing one of them off at this point either.

Maybe Hoid is cyborg Brandon from Writing Excuses episode 632... which would make Dan Wells and Howard Taylor Seventeenth Sharders.

First of all, I think you've done a good job of establishing both of the protagonists (Adalir and Albertus) as likeable. I didn't see anywhere that you explicitly stated what their relationship is; I assume Albertus is Adalir's guardian. I like how Albertus' diction and sentence complexity changes between his speech and his conversation with Adalir, but the speech may be a bit too formal and too complex. (Just a little bit.) His description of the Fona and Incantra makes me want to hear more. At this point the attempt to make the philosopher's stone looks like it will be one of the main conflicts of the book, so I assume it's not going to be as straightforward as Albertus says it will be in the speech. I don't know if it will fit your later plot, but you might consider having Albertus admit to Adalir that he's not as confident as he claims --- there's something about the two forces hise that he doesn't understand. This would give the reader something specific to wonder about, and would likely be more realistic (depending on Albertus' character), as in my experience good scientists are acutely aware of the limits of their knowledge (at least they try to be). Generally, bullies in fiction just make me tired, so it's not a surprise that that was my least favorite scene. In other words... I may not be qualified to make negative comments about it. But here's one anyway: I'd recommend writing out 'should have', 'going to', etc. The bullies' choice of words establishes their voices well enough that the reader will hear those contractions anyway. (I just noticed I've been thinking of the bullies as interchangeable; that may be a problem, it may be my fault for not reading that scene closely enough, or it may be what you want) Looking forward to chapter 2 EDIT: I left out a few things that I wanted to say (paragraph 4).

Yeah, I'm American. Regarding the dialogue, I was trying to avoid modernisms with sounding overtly archaic (especially since the characters are mostly native French speakers, and would have learned English in the States), but I guess I failed at that. Will fix. Also, I'll change the chapter to make it clearer, but the Malloys are from the 11th century, several of the other characters (Elizabeth Malloy and Reverend Harrison) are 19th century Americans, and they are currently in the midwestern US, late 20th century. (This is the problem with alpha readers who already know your story--they don't catch things like that.) Hopefully my historical details don't seem so egregiously bad in this context. And the second scene scene (with Elizabeth telling the story) is supposed to be from Sarah's PoV, guess I need to state that outright.

Someone whose importance we've overlooked? =P Perhaps Amaram belongs to a rival organization to the Ghostbloods, of which Restares is the head. (How many secret organizations are there? I feel like I'm multiplying hypotheses...)

Hello, My first submission is the first chapter of an alternate history/science fantasy novel called 'An Eye in Time'. (The title refers to the town of Eye, Suffolk, but I'm open to suggestions for one that is not an unintentional WoT reference). Note: some of the details need to be revised for historical verisimultude, and some of the minor characters may be subject to name-changes. I went ahead and tagged this with an L; however there is no stronger language than 'd---'. Thanks in advance for any critiques. -Rayonn

What worries me is that none of the shards are literally native to the worlds they created, because that would imply they originated there. It seems more accurate to say, for example, that Scadrial is native to Ruin and Preservation than that they are native to it. (Bizarre use of 'native' though). On they other hand, I don't see Brandon being intentionally misleading about an answer in this way. Also, I'm fairly certain 'the Broken One' is Odium, because of the parallel between the death-quote and the voice Kaladin hears while riding the highstorm. The last thing the voice says is, 'ODIUM REIGNS'. Perhaps Odium reigns because the people on Roshar act in accord with his Intent (at least the Alethi seem to, with Kaladin, Dalinar, and others as notable exceptions; we haven't seen that much of other societies), but does not rule because enough of Honor, Cultivation, and possibly a third shard are still around to oppose him and prevent him from working his will unconstrained. Finally, if Odium is not one of the Three who once ruled, who might the third be? Is it possible that some of things we've assumed are of Odium are actually of the third, unknown shard? Perhaps Parshendi/parshmen are voidbringers, but voidbringers are not the threat we think they are.

This one seems a little more out there. I'd expect this more from stealing a human attribute. I don't immediately see why stealing a Feruchemical power--essentially hacking the Spiritweb--actually brings the other attributes of the person with it. I'll have to RAFO until that comes out in a book, or until I have more explanation. I would imagine this could happen if you tapped someone else's aluminummind--perhaps that's what it's referring to? EDIT: Ninja'd.

I've got a first chapter I'd like to submit as well.

Soothing is used to gain control of koloss--so shouldn't that be 'absence of emotion' rather than 'extreme emotion'?

Firstborn was indeed very good. Did anyone other than me start reading in hopes that it was about Space-age Scadrial?

What if Kaladin is actually using two different magic systems, associated with the two types of spren? The first is his Surgebinding itself: using stormlight as fuel to lash things. No idea what the focus for this would be, though Sir Read-a-Lot's suggestion that non-Nahel spren are involved seems plausible. The second magic system is analogous to Hemalurgy in that its effect is to grant the powers of the first system. The focus of this system is either the Nahel spren, the Nahel bond itself, or the Ideals. In other words, by speaking and embodying the Ideals of the Knights Radiant, Kaladin has formed a bond with Syl, which has granted him Surgebinding powers. When he uses those powers, he's accessing a different system of magic, just as an Inquisitor, despite being a Hemalurgist, has access to Allomantic and sometimes Feruchemical powers. If correct, this would imply that Szeth, who lacks a Nahel spren, is the 'normal' Surgebinder. He's like the lone Allomancer in a world of Hemalurgists. (Never mind that you can't have a world of Hemalurgists). A few asides: -- My feeling is that 'honorspren' refers to the whole class of spren that bond Radiants, not just the ones like Syl that bond Windrunners. (Otherwise 'protectionspren' would seem a better name.) -- Just from the name, Voidbinding sounds like an interaction system between Honor and Odium, like Feruchemy is between Preservation and Ruin. Isn't Honor the one who binds things?

This is how I read it as well. If I remember correctly, the subject in this case is a Shin. That's probably significant.