Cathy Lim

I'm enjoying how the romance is unfolding! Although I had a weird moment when I thought W was going to be the swapped baby which would make them brother and sister. This felt well paced. I think it's going well. P 3 I'm still super confused about who amma is. Maybe it's because my husband's family uses Chinese Amah for grandmother on the father's side so I keep imagining amma as a grandparent of some sort, but it's becoming clearer that they are not. Sorry! Page 6 "I knew that I expected everyone to only keep me around so long as I was useful. But I never thought about how it felt for everyone else.” -- this feels a bit too soon. I feel like they should struggle a bit more to get to this very self aware place. Page 14 “Funnily enough, I think you’re right and it will be painful.” -- I think I've said before that they seem a little too apologetic back and forth towards each other. It came out here again. There's something like, a little too easy even though you are clearly setting up obstacles for them. I mean, as a reader I love seeing them get together, but my writer brain wonders if there's other places you could take them. Overall I read through your last entry and this one pretty quickly. I'm still enjoying the story. I like the romance a lot and I'm enjoying the characters for sure. It just seems like there's some twist we're missing here though. I struggle with this as well in my writing. Your writing is reminding me a lot of mine. I hope that's Ok! Ha ha!

Excellent! Thank you!

Sorry everyone. I was in a hurry and I somehow posted this twice. I can't figure out how to delete one. Let me know if there's a way!

Hello Everyone, Sorry, I was hot working on the rewrite of Book One on Saturday so I forgot to look over my chapters for this so I did it last minute tonight and could only do one chapter. I’ve been told this chapter is pointless to the story, and I was trying to describe healing for mental issues and it’s probably insensitive. Looking at the edit notes for Book One it probably is pointless. Anyway, just me trying to get back in the groove here. As always thank you so much! Cathy

I'm back if there's space for me this week!

Thanks! I will keep on and try not to cringe too much. Ha ha!

Awww- thank you! Just starting to look at this draft and cringe a bit- ha ha!

I am traveling to California this week for a funeral so I will have to bow out for this week and next week. I'll try to catch up with your stories when I return! Thanks for all of your thoughts so far. I think my draft may be too rough though. Maybe I need to rewrite it first, but I do need to know what to keep and what to toss. What do you all think- should I submit the rest of it and use your thoughts for the rewrite or just wait till I rewrite it? Is this rough draft super annoying and unreadable or are you ok reading it? Let me know what you all think! Thanks!

I agree. Thanks!

Yeah, this is one of the things I realized when reviewing this to submit. I really wish I had time to rewrite this right now so it wouldn't be quite so embarrassing.

So I've been reading too many of these stories now and I ended up thinking this was the beginning to the one story where the father gets assassinated in the first chapter, because I didn't recall your story mentioning any other worlds. I had to actually go back and look at your previous chapters. I liked the set up and the action, but there was way too many strange names and worlds, and big reveals I knew were supposed to be shocking, but there was not context for it. If you really want this set up for your book think about ways you could really integrate this into the rest of the book. There's probably a way, but it will take a lot of work. Page 1 The slightly-rounded larger ears common on I were hiding underneath a flat military beret, and the toned elastic muscles he had first tried on M were rippling beneath the uniform. Both were quite helpful in getting a reputation of a trained soldier and rising up the local army ranks. --- took me a couple times reading this to get the visual Page 2 Not that it mattered; rule seven dictated that personal views of A were to have little to do with their actions. --- whose an A? The narrator or the soldiers. I didn't get that at first. Page 5 If asked to close those eyes for a second, T the F, would surely be able to describe every crease on his companions' shirts and recite what each one ever said or likely thought in his proximity. --Who would do what? So are we in T's POV? It was confusing. N wood--- this is the point where my brain went- "stop! Stop too much, I can't process anymore!" Must be quite a larynx.-- really interesting way to do a voice description. I'm not sure if I like it or not. Page 6 He knew it well. I. ---Oh I feel like I should be gasping and saying "OH NO!" but I don't even know where I is so I'm like- meh? Page 10 a wall and looked it. --- I had a hard time tracking the description of this chase. Page 12 The intruder was gone. The little army headed by the Seconds around the corner were the only other bodies, living or dead, remaining in the corridor. -- wait, did they shoot their own people in the chase? I like what's going on here, it seems very thriller-esque, but it feels like something from the middle of the novel where we know more about these planets and the players involved so we could really care about the information A is learning. I know you want to set up that I is about to be attacked, but the first few chapters don't even hint at any such thing. Maybe this would be great somewhere after we get to know the characters and then it would be a- OH NO! It's been 6 years and that attack is supposed to be happening TODAY! EEEK! I really like what this is setting up, but it seems to be so disconnected from the rest of the story. I hope you can find a way to make it work!

You are correct. This is the biggest criticism I get with my writing. I'm working on it.

Ok- so I spent some time getting caught up on all the previous chapters so I could comment on these two. I think the relationship building chapters are good although I feel like they could be- not shorter, but more concise? I'm not quite sure what the word is I'm looking for. I like the relationships a lot, but I feel like this space could do more, not sure what, but something. Sorry, having a hard time expressing what I'm feeling tonight. Ha ha! Page 1 and deal with the village to make sure -- Sorry, it's been a long time since I read chapter one- How do they know what's going on in the village? I feel like the characters are having knowledge only the reader knows. Maybe I missed something. Page 2&3 “I… decided that I do want to spend time with you,” “I thought you said you wanted space.”--- So, is she changing her mind or not? I feel like she told him she wanted to spend time with him, but then she's backing off from it. It's a bit confusing. Page 6 my parents -- wait, did she have a dad? I only remember the mom and the A. Oh- maybe there was a dad. Sorry, I have a terrible memory! Willamette Valley- was it mentioned before that they were in Oregon? Maybe I should have reread the first chapter... If not this was kinda out of left field for me this far into the book. Page 7 watching the glint of N. glittery shirt as-- Is glittery the only indication of when something is magical? Is there another way to indicate that? Is having him be glittery too much of an give away to W as to what he is? Just thoughts I'm having. Page 9 I don’t know exactly who N is and what’s going on with his village, but the details are mattering less and less compared to the new perspective he can give me on my own familiar-yet-strange world.-- But I thought she didn't know he is has magic. “A few ways. Whenever somethin--- I like the practical application of math here. I know my friend who's a high school physics teacher would love you to pieces for this whole exchange (she seriously read me the riot act for using the words math is hard- so I was thinking of that conversation through both of these chapters.) BUT this paragraph feels a bit too infodumpy to me. Maybe compress it a bit. I'm sure you can make that work. Page 10 I hesitate. N and I agreed not to tell white lies,-- did they though? I guess I kind of missed that in the earlier exchange. Page 11 "And I hope this isn’t too" “But all I did was help you with math.” -- Ok I feel like N and W are basically saying the same things to each other over and over. It's good, I got them already. Page 12 She shouldn’t be doing this with a human was around. Or another human-- I didn't get what you were saying here at first. Page 14 “The whole day?” I say-- Wait, I thought N couldn't go back to the village at all for some reason. Can he go back or not? Overall I like where this story is going. I like the characters a lot. Maybe what I'm feeling is that N and W's relationship is a bit too easy? Not sure, but I think it all has great potential! I think you can work this into something really awesome!

Hello Everybody, The reason chapter 6 ended so abruptly is because we are having a change of POV. Since Z and T are facing opposite directions, R can see both. As I read through these two chapters I am already anticipating what you’re going to say, but have at it. I wish I had more time to revise this nicely for you, but I’m completely rewriting book one so it’s not possible. (I’m cringing at some of it) As always I need to know what’s working and what’s not working so I can decide what to keep and what to revise or change in the next draft. Thank you! I truly appreciate the work you all are doing here!

Me too please! If there's space. I'm fine if it's my turn to sit out. Thanks!

Sorry, I know the characters are pretty flat right now. I need to work on it. Thanks!

Yes, the mouse is very important. It's the beginning of an attack on the Library using pests. I love the shape shifter idea! Maybe I should switch pests around and make the mouse latter and have them be a shapeshifter. Hmmmm. Awesome thought! Thanks!

Yes they were and yes it is! I'm thinking maybe it needs to be carried through the bar scene somehow. Thanks for your thoughts- they are great!

Thanks! Character was the point of this, but it probably needs some more going on in it that goes to plot.

It's not, but interesting thought!

Understood.

Excellent idea, but there's no use of magic allowed in the Library- especially fire magic. I need to make that clearer. Fun suggestion though! (and I'm realizing Y uses magic in the Library at the end of this book- but she's the curator's daughter so I guess she gets away with it? Probably something to ponder.

I've had this comment before. They are of age in this world and living on their own. There are no laws or rules (strictly speaking) about the age they can drink. Drinking is a problem for Z as we explore in book one. I didn't land everyone well into book two- I am sorry about that. I will work on ways to do this better. I am completely rewriting book one from the ground up at the moment and will keep these things in mind while rebuilding this world. Thanks!

The mouse is a big deal because mice are extremely damaging to archival materials. This is an interesting idea though. I'm not sure the magic can do this, but I will think about it.