Cathy Lim

Not sure what you mean by an epigraph here. Thanks! I've put more hours into this than I probably have time for at this point. I was really hoping it was a lot closer to being finished. At this point I'm feeling like I don't know how to do a narrative hook at all. I thought this was a lot better. sigh.

This is why I wanted to run it past you all. Every other eye I've had on this is 50+ years. We all knew what I meant. I'll have to think of a better way to say it. Ok- please, please help me with this because I've written and rewritten the family dynamic so that people can understand. You say you would like it to be more in R's head, but she would not, absolutely would not in her head think of her adoptive father as her 'adopted father'. She would never say it that way. To do so would put distance between her and her adoptive parents. She was adopted as a baby therefore her adoptive parents are her parents. I do not know how to make it clear that it's her adoptive father when I'm in her head and she would never think that way. J what would have been her half brother if she had actually been born to her parents. He's her mother's from a previous marriage. So they have the same mother (birth and adopted) but not the same father. I have worked and worked to make this as clear as I possibly can but it's obviously still not coming through. How would you handle this to make it clear that we have a very complicated family structure going on here. (I have thought of forgoing the obligatory fantasy map for a family tree in an attempt to help with this.) Oh- and to complicate it more we're about to meet the man her mother is presently dating and his sons. Weheee!

I'm glad I could help! I'm working my way through all your chapters so I can be up to speed, but it's been a busy week, so be patient. After all the revision I've done after multiple heavy critiques I was really hoping this chapter was good. As Z would say- oh well.

Hello Everyone, Here is the first chapter of my COMPLETE REWRITE of Book One. I decided the voice was too young in my original manuscript so I’m completely rewriting it. This has already had a few eyes on it, plus a friend did some line editing for me. Hopefully this is a much cleaner story for you then Book Two. What I’m looking for in feedback is anything the rest of us overlooked. Are there things we didn’t see? I’m hoping you all will find what we’ve missed. (or hopefully we haven’t missed anything!) Anyways, enjoy the new version of Book One, my brother is amazed at how it’s a completely different book! As always, thanks for the help! Cathy

No worries, It was good to have an extra week to prepare. :)3

Last week didn't work- this week? Thanks!

Can I get a spot today? I have the beginning of the complete rewrite of book one ready. Thanks!

I just wanted to pop in and give some comments on these latest chapters. I think it's fine to shift to only W's POV, it does put distance between them. I think it needs a big payoff for what N is doing. These chapters were ones that didn't trip me up much. I read right through it so I don't have too many comments- Page 6 Transitioning is normalized in their community-- when I first read this I thought it meant transitioning to living in the human world. Whoops! “She was fine with people being trans, but she wanted a son and not a daughter. Called it betrayal that my mom turned her back on the person A wanted her to be.”-- I did not see this coming. I'm kind of lost in all of it and I'm not certain of its relevance to the story in general. Hopefully it will make sense somewhere down the line. Page 13 A. pauses. “When did you get so confident?”-- um, yeah- when? Sometimes W seems confident and sometimes they don't. It's kind of back and forth. Page 16 Considering that going back to his old place doesn’t seem like a great ide-- Where does A really live? Was it at that mansion? It kind of didn't seem like it at the time. Anyway, there's the few things that jumped out at me. Overall these two chapters went really fast for me. I'm hoping all this background work is setting up for something cool!

Thanks so much! I'll probably send it along sometime in the next couple of weeks.

I've submitted more than 1/3 of my novel and the comments are all about the same so I'm going to take what I've got and use it to rewrite book two. Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to read and comment. I really appreciate everyone's help! I've saved all the comments so I can review them again as I rewrite. I'm currently working hard on book one and may have you all help me with it. I'll let you know. Thanks again! Cathy

Good thoughts! I will keep this in mind when rewriting book two. I've submitted 1/3 of book two already and most of the comments are the same so I'm going to take what I have from you all for now and call it good. Thanks so much for all your time and help!

I have three plot lines running through this book and I'm juggling them as poorly as a juggle in real life- One- R in search of her heritage (which is the overarching umbrella plot of the series) specifically for this book the search for the providence of the orphanage book. Two- The attempt of House V. to move the Library to their island and put is squarely under their influence and power. The way they are going about this is by creating chaos in the Library to try and discredit C's leadership and the ancient Library structure itself. (C is an 'other mother' to R being her best friend's mother and having helped raise her, so she can feel kind of motherly towards her.) Three- House V is looking for ways to consolidate the magics. In ancient times the Ancestors held all the magics, but over time they have been distilled down to two per person at most. House V wants to change that. They think they figured out a way, but it requires the use of the exact two magics R's mother and her brother have. (That combination is rare because the two houses have been at war with each other for a very long time and they just don't mingle with one another.) R's mother and brother are out of their reach so they want R because they think her mother is lying about her being adopted. They feel she's young enough for them to shape to their cause. This is who is constantly trying to kidnap R. I hope this helps! I know I've taken it all on a weird windy path in my attempt to put this on the page.

Ahhhhh- I'm so sad! We finally have them on the same page and then- sigh. I suppose that's the way these things go. Nice bit of action here, it was a fun sequence! Page 3 He yanks out the earring, and it’s only then that I look up at the sky.-- Did he have this earing before? I don't recall. If he did maybe it should pop up every time we see A. Page 4 All the memories flood back at once. A rare day when she was allowed to laugh and play with us by the stream as a kid, and her being mad for days after I splashed water onto her until I made her a woven flower basket as an apology.-- Ok, I feel like we've danced around what happened between N and C for a long time without really seeing it. I want to see some more solid memories happening so we can understand their relationship better. Just me. Like I’m not going to today-- I think you can word this in a stronger way to make it cut more. Page 8 “We don’t have much time,” N- says. “You put your trust in me, and now I’ll do the same for you. If we keep following G-, will we be able to convince her to leave with us?”-- Maybe it's late and I'm too tired, but I don't really understand what this question is. Page 9 I couldn’t respond even if I knew what to say with my panting. I swear, my lungs are never going to forgive me for this-- Oh I love the way you phrased this! clever and funny and something different than the usual ways this gets described- nice! “I don’t know if I’ll ever be.”-- I guess I don't really understand why N has to leave and why he can't come back. I know his grandmother wants him to stay, but it's unclear why he would make this choice right now. Maybe if it was set up as a clearer option earlier. Page 10 something else, and those feelings coul-- If feel like this should be a but instead of an and. And that's it! Nice job as always, I'm getting drawn deeper and deeper into the story!

Hello Everyone, This week we hit a part of the book that I don’t like and want to rewrite, but I’m not sure how to do it yet so I’m just cutting it out. So you’re getting the beginning of Chapter 12 and Chapter 15. I included a short synopsis of what happens in chapter 13 and 14 in between. As always I’m looking for stuff to keep. Oh, and I accidentally sent if from a different email account. Let me know if you didn't get it. I can resend it. Thank you!

I'll take a spot if there is one available. Sorry- almost forgot!

I feel like I need a family tree instead of a fantasy map at the beginning of these books- ha ha! Their parents are dating and are engaged to be married so they are considering themselves as siblings. I have decided to swap things around a bit in the rewrite. I'm also planning to add a big section in book one about pest control for the Library. Yes, I think I'm going to move this whole sequence to book one. It makes more sense because the dream about the book is at the beginning of book one. I was trying hard when I wrote book one not to have a "chosen one" feel, so I pushed a lot off to book two and I think that was a mistake. This was me trying to show how the Library is kept at a temperature good for the collections, not the people. I mention it in book one, I was just trying to do a reminder. You are correct, I do need to work on this more. Thanks for your help and insight. I really appreciate it! I'm just struggling right now wishing I had time to fix it all and make it nicer for you all. Thanks for the support!

You are correct- it is late autumn getting into winter. (Also the swirling breeze around R when she's mad is a thing, but she doesn't recognize it yet.) Thank you- I'm glad you like it. Having to scrap book one and start from scratch has been hard on the confidence. I'm glad I occasionally get it right. :)3

Yes, this is everyone's biggest complaint about my writing. It's a problem I'm stressing over quite a bit in my rewrite of book one. I almost don't trust myself to write her correctly. Yes, trying to change it so that she will be more proactive in its discovery. Hmmmm- I haven't thought about this before, but I like it! Thanks for your feedback! I really appreciate it!

I'm still enjoying the romance, but I'm a sucker for that- ha ha! A lot more stuff in this section that were a bit more confusing. P1 Another look in the mirror reveals the same crooked tie and stiff motions when I move around in my suit jacket or dress pants-- I had a hard time wrapping my brain around this sentence. “W K.” -- this is the first time we've gotten her last name. Should this be the first time? Seems awfully far into the story. (Unless I've just forgotten. Sorry, I have a really terrible memory) P2 W’s parent S.” A pause. “’s sibling.” --is this the first time we've gotten amma's name? I know it was hard for you to lose your ma-- I am super confused about N's apparently two mothers. P3 “Can’t feel anything at all now that she’s dead. You knew what you were doing.”-- Was there discussion before about what went down here with the two moms? Did I miss this somewhere? P4 “I’ll check it when I get home and message you.” She smiles at me. “And. I’m sure it would look good on you. And I did take a page out of your book and I like the results.”-- I missed somewhere that he likes wearing makeup. Somehow she's not noticing that about him much. I'm reminded of V.E. Schwab's Archived where she calls Wesley guyliner. It sticks it out in the readers mind so you don't forget. Maybe employ something similar? P6 Then I do a backflip.-- Back handspring or back tuck? Hmmm- looks like a back tuck. Dress shoes might be a problem, but I've seen my boys do back tucks in dress shoes. I'm going to assume he's warmed up because of dancing (you can pull something doing one cold) I'm going to say if he keeps his chest up when he lands he will be solid on his feet. ( If you land chest too far forward and down, you land on your face, over rotate and you stumble backwards. (If you're looking for a reason for him to be concerned more than the shoes.) Also my boys would do this in the middle of the dance floor, but they enjoy showing off. (Sorry- I used to coach gymnastics, and my boys were both competitive gymnasts.) P7 “Yeah,” I say. “It, er, might not be a girl I’m interested in, though. I’m, uh, bi.”-- wow, I missed this somehow too. Since we have his POV maybe some more thoughts from him before this point would be good. P8 When first looking up dances, I was confused about the straight culture thing where the guy takes the lead on all of the motions and the girl follows, but it ends up working well for us. -- More thoughts like this would be helpful sooner in the story. P11 “I’m sure she wanted to keep you out of this,” A says. “But you deserve to know.” He glances over at me. “And this concerns you too, N.”-- I'm kind of confused about what A is driving at here. The pieces aren't clicking for me. P14 “You’re a fairy, aren’t you?” I tell N.-- I know you're concerned about W not figuring this out sooner, but it works alright for me. I think you have tried to keep W distracted enough so she doesn't put the pieces together. I think if you lean into that harder, and maybe give her reasons for not asking the people around her or hanging lanterns on it I think this reveal will work. It makes the reader feel smarter than our MC, and if W has reasons to not put the pieces together it works fine. P16 If you’re comfortable sharing with me-- I think she can be a bit more bold here. P19 “We’ll make sure she doesn’t,” B says. Wait- where did this name come from? How would W know it? It still makes me chuckle how much your writing reminds me of mine. I get so many of the same sorts of complaints. I know the story and the characters, and I don't want to info dump, so I tend to leave out too much and leave people scratching their heads. I know the struggle! It's real! You have a fun story there though and I think you can easily smooth all these things out. I've found as I've dug deeper into finding ways to get information across that the story and my characters have grown deeper. I can see you're coming along- it's going to be great!

Hello Everyone, I hope these chapters pull a few things together for you. There are a lot of references to book one in these chapters so if you’re thinking you missed something, you didn’t. I am currently thinking of moving the beginning of chapter 11 to the end of book one. It makes more sense there because the dream of the book is at the beginning of book one. I will also change how it is discovered. I know it’s too passive for it to be someone other than my main character. As always a reminder that this is an exceedingly rough draft that’s most likely going to end up completely rewritten. My biggest interest is to know what you like and what I should keep. Any suggestions on how to make what’s not working work are welcome. I’m sorry it’s not better than it is. Thanks!

I'll be ready for Monday if there's space for me. Thanks!

Thanks for the feedback! I guess this chapter wasn't as bad as I thought it was.

Yes, I was going for red flags, but I guess I'm being a bit too heavy handed with it. My thought in writing this was that Z sees it, but K's cute so he doesn't really care.

In an earlier draft I implied that but back away from it. I suppose this is a left over from that draft.

Yes...yes it is. Thanks for the feedback! As always very insightful!