Edema Rue

To the theatre, regarding dreams:

Hello.

That’s a good place to start, right?

Hello.

I…

I need you to know something.

I don’t blame you.

I don’t blame you for what you’ve given them.

I don’t blame you for what you’ve never given me.

I don’t blame you for any of it.

I don’t…

I don’t.

Not for the tears,

Or the dripping mascara,

Or the shattering heart.

Not for their love,

Or for my lack thereof,

Or for

My

Broken dreams.

I dreamed a dream

Of days gone by…

Oh, it was a beautiful dream.

I dreamed of you.

I dreamed of lights,

Curtains,

Fog.

Of props,

Sets,

Costumes.

I dreamed of family.

Oh, how wonderful you made my dream. You…you are everything I’ve ever wanted. You are the only real magic I’ve ever been able to find. You are a team so close I’ve only ever imagined anything so perfect. You are in the moments when the cast huddled together for a selfie. 

The moments when it’s okay to skip class,

Because this family matters more.

The moments before shows,

And the moments after.

All the moments.

You

Offer something

That’s stopped existing

Everywhere

But within your walls.

As they tear your hope apart…

As they turn your dream to shame.

Is my dream shame?

Should I regret ever wanting you? 

How can I? I don’t regret a moment of it. I don’t regret the longing, or the wishing, or the pain that comes with the failure. 

Maybe they mock me.

The ones you’ve let in.

The ones whose dreams you’ve brought into reality.

And it hurts…

But I choose to hope

Anyway.

But there are dreams that cannot be,

And there are storms we cannot weather.

Maybe this is one of them.

Those cheers,

The ones that aren’t for me…

They never will be.

That hug,

The one I’m not in…

That I never will be.

I still dream of you.

Every night. Every night, I can see the stars and I imagine how it would feel to be one of them. I can see them all together and you, you give me hope that someday I will be a part of that. How can I regret the hope you’ve given me?

If you kill me,

At least it will be a happy death.

If this is where I end,

At least my heart

Is full of love for you.

At least

I’ve known

How it could have been.

And if I live on,

Then thank you.

Thank you for the dreams.

Thank you

For letting me

Care.

Rue