Sprouts

You seem to be implying that soft magic systems are inherently worse than hard ones. I disagree. I think it's easy to be biased in favor of hard magic as Sanderson does a great job with them again and again. He makes them seem almost effortless. However, soft magic has numerous benefits. It does not need to have a Deus ex Machina feel to it, if it does then it is done poorly. A good example of a soft-magic system done right is the Wheel of Time. The capabilities of it are not entirely defined (ie. no clear input->output system). Yet Robert Jordan and later Sanderson did an admirable job of foreshadowing the capabilities of it so that when it was used in a solution to a problem it never felt forced. (Read the prologue of the first book in the Wheel of Time to see a marvelous example of soft magic. The reader has no bearing on what's going on mechanically, but that doesn't diminish the power of the scene as the magic works only to drive home the character's reactions. It's great stuff.) I'm not saying that soft magic is better. I think that how well a magic system functions for a reader ultimately comes down to the author's construction of the story, and not how defined the rules of said system are. Any magic system, no matter how well defined, is meaningless unless it servicing the plot and characters. I also think the magic system in Harry Potter serves it's purpose in terms of the story very well. It has a slightly whimsical nature, which is very in tune with at least the early books. But that's a discussion for another time. I agree with Robinski. Fun topic for discussion. Lots of interesting stuff to think about.

Looking forward to seeing what you guys think about this chapter following Chapter One.

Thanks for the feedback Stormweasel and Robinski! Stormweasel, Thanks for giving some tips for tightening up the scenes that are intended to be action-y or tense. It was good advice to have in my head while writing later chapters. During revisions I'll make sure to give everything a good look over for flow. I like how you give short little snippets of your advice in writing form. Very helpful for grasping what is wrong with the writing as is. Robinski, You bring up a good point on the fireworks thing. I tried to hold the actual description of what it was in the exact sense until the time-for-action had passed. So that it would seem more natural for him to be thinking about what the explosions were. I've had the same point brought up by a friend that read over it, so it clearly didn't work entirely as I'd hoped. I'll make sure to give it some thought during revisions. I'd also like to ask you what exactly blocking is? I've seen you mention it a couple of times in critiques recently, usually relating to scene-setting, but I'm not entirely sure on what you mean by it. Moving forward. This chapter was pretty short. It was an attempt by me to kind of push past the opening of the story, which can be hard for me sometimes, and get at the meat faster. I've heard from various sources that starting with shorter chapters helps hook the reader. And that expanding on the length of the chapters later will keep them interested and happens almost naturally as conflicts grow. We'll see if it works with this. The next chapter is a little over twice as long. I'll be submitting it tomorrow. Hopefully it isn't too long to bore, but long enough to get the hooks in all the way. Thanks!

I meant style in more of a general sense. Including things like tropes that Sanderson frequently uses. I'll agree that I've seen a fair number of submissions that contain similarities to his worlds and magic systems.

I'd like to submit as well if there are still slots available. (4 is the maximum I think?)

In all likelihood this is true as most of us are probably participating in this writing group versus others because we are fans of Sanderson's style of writing. But you also may be simply seeing something you expect to see. All writing looks similar if you stare at it long enough. I've read plenty of submissions that seemed to be inspired by Sanderson. I've also ready plenty of submissions that stray away from him in both genre and style.

Thanks for reading Mandamon! I have a bad tendency of making characters that do a lot of thinking and not a lot of acting. I got lots of good feedback on that exact tendency last time I submitted. But lo and behold, I stumble into the same thing this time . As a note, I did sort of realize that upon reading the chapter after finishing it. So hopefully the second chapter, which does not feature Jack, should have a much more active main character. On the 1200lb issue, I've always heard: spell out numbers ten and less, use numbers for higher. It's awkward either way, so I'll probably just swap it out for something else. The lb thing was just me trying to save time and not get caught up in a worldbuilding detail I hadn't thought of when I reached that point. When I swap the sentence out it shouldn't be an issue. He was just waiting. I'll replace that with something a little more indicative of that. Thanks! Thanks for pointing out the caution thing. I've read this chapter who knows how many times and never caught that...

A little late with the critique on this one, but here we go. Chapter One I liked how this one opened. The cots being uncomfortable was funny and I liked how Tolero brought it up a little later as well. I'll agree with the others on trying to show everyone's exhaustion instead of telling, though it worked decently well either way. Tolero was well characterized, I had a clear picture of him in my mind quickly and his reaction to the mock cohorts was entertaining. I'm going to go ahead and disagree with some of the other critiques on Ferox as a character. I thought he definitely had a character, it may not have been eminently likable, but it was a character. He came off a knowledgeable and a little arrogant, seeing as how he was staring around the school evaluating people rather than in wonder, excitement, etc. (ie. When he thought it would be a shame to waste a Brute behind lines) The only problem then, is that we don't get to see him do anything else in the chapter besides look around and evaluate people. There's also an odd feel in this chapter as if I should have met some of these characters before, or have been introduced to the setting before. Likely due to you jumping straight into the thick of things, with the school welcome celebration already out of the way and all. It definitely isn't a bad thing, but it makes the questions start popping up fast, a lot of which weren't answered. I'll note I didn't mind the Caecus end of chapter name drop. Makes me eager to read the next academy chapter to find out what exactly a Caecus is. Chapter Two The opening of this chapter was a little clunky, with Eve in the cart. It wasn't a showing vs telling issue really, you did a good job of not simply telling us that she was injured and tired. You showed her efforts. The issue for me is a little hard to define, it kind of seems like despite you saying her thoughts moved slowly, she seemed to be clear-headed. The descriptions of what was happening to her seemed a little too defined. Something more dream-like might work better. This could just be me though. After that sequence, the interaction between Vanus and Priscus was well done and set up both characters well. A good use of what seems to have been a disposable character with Vanus. The smoking some sort of material to clear Priscus' head intrigued me. Chapter Three Eve's reactions to the different culture of Rixa was the most entertaining part of this chapter. I'll agree with Mandamon that throwing two new terms at us with Mark of Ascendance and Fray was a bit much. I can live without knowing what a Fray is, I assume it'll be answered in the next Eve chapter, similar to the Caecus term. However I think you could make it so Eve had heard of a Mark of Ascendance before, at least in myths or stories (etc), that way the chapter wouldn't end with a ton of loose threads waiting to be explained later. Loose threads are a very effective way to keep me (maybe just me) reading. Having too many though and they become hard to keep track of. Overall I liked these chapters, they introduced lots of new aspects of the world, and brought Eve closer to what seems to be the jumping off point for the story in Rixa. Will read and critique your next submission soon.

I'll preface this by saying that I have not read the prior submissions of this story, though I may go back and read through them now. I was pulled into the chapter very effectively with the dialogue about escaping. Escapes tend to be naturally interesting and you pulled it off well. The confrontation with Zima, the guard, was well done, though I had trouble visualizing what exactly her pulling at the earth with the Apple did. I also thought him killing himself when he struggled up from the ground was a bit convenient. It works. But I feel Belili having the decision on killing him taken away from her kind of defused the situation a little. From what I understand, based on this chapter, I really like your idea with the hair colors and fruits, it's very original and for the most part easy-to-visualize. A little more description on what she did with the earth and it'd be solid. Early on in the chapter Belili mentions that she got stabbed, and it impedes her ability to walk. The description of the knife tearing as it pulled out made it seem pretty serious. However, as the chapter proceeds she mentions it less and less. I'd think that a slave, not conditioned to hiking miles and miles would have some serious issues when hiking in the dark with a serious knife wound. However, some of my confusion her is likely due to having not read the actual scene of the stabbing, so I'm not entirely certain on all the details. Reading through some previous critiques of older chapters it seems as if people had minor issues with differences with the sisters. For the most part I didn't have any trouble with that. By the end of the chapter I had a decently clear image of each in my head, and the differences between the two. From what I can see, the younger sister seems to be more competent, at least in the current setting. Which is a nice change of pace. I am assuming that the magical apple powers of Belili will raise her competency as the story progresses. Overall, I liked it. Read it straight through without stumbling upon any readability issues, as sometimes happens. The plot was engaging, the characters were interesting, and the magic was cool. Good job

Looking forward to getting some critiques. I'm interested in anything and everything you guys have to say. Thanks again!

Too late to sign up for a slot for tomorrow? I've got a first chapter ready to submit.

: Thanks for the input Robinski! Glad to hear the sign-up process worked quickly at least once . Thanks for trying it out akoebel! I'll have to look into the email delay, had a similar report from a friend recently. By "compile-like" do you mean a button to combine all the scenes into one big book-document? If so, that's definitely something that's happening, not sure when though. It'll probably come around the same time I add in front-end for epub conversion. On the topic of user-based encryption keys, would you like it to be per-project or user-wide? That's a relatively fast addition, though problems can always pop-up. I'm working on sharing right now. The plan is to allow users to share a scene to either a list of users, a group, or everyone. Critiques/input would come in the form of short line-based comments, or longer critiques at the bottom. I need to update how groups work first. So that groups can be invite/acceptance-based. As always, thanks for each and every second you spent looking at it. Means more than you'd think

Thanks for giving it a try! The site is still pretty early in development, so there's definitely some important functionality missing. Things move more slowly when it's a nights and weekends type of project. So I'm thinking I should probably give the editor a little bit of a rest and focus on the sharing/writing-group part? That's definitely something I'll try and do, the editor is hugely time-consuming and in retrospect it doesn't seem like the best place to be burning energy. Also, how did the sign-up process go? Did you get the activation email quickly? Again, thanks for any time you spent checking the site out, every second is appreciated! Edit: If you don't mind, what did you think of the design (layout, visuals, etc.)? I'm definitely not a front-end developer, so I was a bit worried that what looked decent to me wouldn't be up to people's standards.

Hi Reading Excuses, I'm not sure if this the right place for this, but it seems relevant, if it isn't just let me know. So I've had a passion project for a while now that attempts to combine tools like yWriter5/Scrivener with a social-platform/writing-group. The tool is called QuillSword (www.quillsword.com) and it features an editor that manages scenes, characters, and locations as well as a social network for people to conceivably share scenes they've written with select groups of people. I've been working on it for quite a while now and would like to get some opinions on whether the idea sounds like something you might use / what looks like it's working so far / what needs to improve, etc. I know some people here are pretty knowledgeable about tech-related things, so any advice or suggestions on that front would be greatly appreciated as well. Just think of it as critiquing a tool in the same way you would critique someone's submission. Groups like this are who my target audience is, so any thoughts would be invaluable. If you want, you can sign up for an account and give it a whirl, or you can look at the pictures that I'm going to try and attach to see what it looks like so far. Thanks a million, can't wait to hear what you guys think! Sprouts Link to the site: http://www.quillsword.com Pictures:

@Mandamon and @jParker Yeah Will's been a sticking point for me, I feel like I ended up using him as a camera to show the world and Sam. I'm planning on seeding some of the internal dialogue/bickering earlier in the story. Maybe give him some side interests or hobbies that he can focus on when he pulls up his Interface. @jParker The climax(at least in my eyes) where Will speaks up against his assignment, and the Councilman responds has been through a bunch of revisions. At first I had the Councilman seem almost a little mocking, as if a tool or piece of equipment was talking back to him. But when I added to the Epigraphs, which in my mind are written by the Councilman, I decided to make him seem a little more troubled/reserved, kind of like he was just saying what he was supposed to out loud, but not really believing it. I don't think it really came off how I wanted it too, so I'll mark that down as something to look into more. Maybe once I get Will's character up to snuff(as in give him some sort of personality) I'll have more to work with in that scene.

I haven't read any of the prior chapters, so some of the world-building and back story flew over my head. I like Varus quite a bit, he's a fun viewpoint character. I always enjoy characters with a mysterious alternate personality or whatever he had going on with Mars. There was one line in particular where he talks about pushing feelings down to where they die that really stuck with me. I'd definitely read more from him. Some of the other characters I had trouble keeping track of, specifically Sophia and Sepunia. Are they both servants? (Probably could be attributed to not having read previous chapters). Whatever they bought all those miscellaneous items for seemed to be kind of brushed over. Why name the items specifically, but not show how they're relevant in dispelling the curse? Maybe that was introduced earlier though. I enjoyed both scenes that featured Cadmia, though once she runs off to get dressed after her sparring with Varus I was confused on if she came back to the gathering in the house. Overall I really enjoyed it, and will probably be going back to read the prior chapters. I want to see some of the back story for Varus.

Thanks for reading! I've been really busy all day so I haven't had much time to respond, but here we go. @andyk I definitely agree on my overuse of words like "slightly" or "seemed", I've actually combed a lot of those out, but it's for sure something I'm pretty bad about. @Asmodemon I came up with the internal voice talking back to him later in the story, kind of a spur-of-the-moment idea. So that's mainly why that showed up when it did. I'll definitely focus on integrating it into the story a little earlier. On passivity: Any tips on how I should get around this? I'm really bad at coming up with stuff for Will to say, hence him only having one speaking line in the entire story. Other things: How well did you guys grasp the world, and how soon? I know that some of the people I showed this to before I threw in Epigraphs and location/time tags were extremely fuzzy on how everything worked out. Did the Epigraphs and tags help out? Which scenes were the weakest? Ouroboros reference, did it work? Most people I've talked to didn't know what it was, and assumed I would explain it later, so I'm questioning using it. But I really like it, as I feel it fits the structure and theme of the story. I'll post again If I remember any of the other stuff I was meaning to ask.

Copied from email:

It's been like 2 years since I got added to the email list, but I've finally got something to submit . Mind if I submit tomorrow?

A little late to the party on this one, and it has already been covered pretty well. So I'll just throw out my thoughts on a single element of the chapter, specifically the ending where Eve exits the city after the gate has blown up. The scenes following the gate's explosion feel very abrupt and disjointed. She runs outside of the city, which up to this point hasn't been described, and is suddenly at a pine forest. She then faints, and sees a group of people rushing towards her. This could be intentional, as Eve is likely in some sort of shock at this point, which makes the disjointed pacing make sense. However, as a reader, it's very hard to picture what's going on due to the fact that you haven't introduced the area outside the city very well. This could be quickly remedied by mentioning the area surrounding the city briefly earlier in the chapter, or since Eve is in shock, you could try and over-describe, which has the effect of making it feel as if time has slowed down, which could help with the depiction of Eve in shock. Hopefully what I'm saying makes some amount of sense. Overall, you've got your openings down pat, they way you started the chapter made it extremely easy to just jump in and read the first page or two without even thinking. Which made it even easier to just get strung along for the whole chapter as exciting event after exciting event rolled up.

Pretty lonely in here...

Don't take the critiques so roughly, the fact that you're making progress on writing a book is a magnificent feat in and of itself.

Ok, I don't have a review ready yet, so I don't know if posting this is against the rules or anything.... But I really, really, really enjoyed what you did with the first chapter. It flowed well for most of the chapter, I was asking questions the whole time, and wanted to read more when it ended. Keep it up! I'll have a more in-depth review for you sometime soon hopefully.

Download: https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B2uXIO_wX2VMZjQxNDYzMTQtNzg4Ny00YjUyLWFhOTItMGE5YzJiNzliOWVh So around a month ago I decided I was going to write a password-based encryption program, and one night I actually followed through with my goal, which is a rare occasion. It's pretty basic(all in the console window), and not that user-friendly, but it works pretty well... As long as the files aren't already encrypted/lots of weird formatting stuff included( ie. microsoft word). Anyways, try it out and tell me what you think! (Or tell me what kind of errors it's throwing )

Urgh, didn't see this until now. Well, better late than never, happy birthday Peter!