Thaidakar the Ghostblood

A hypocrite is a man in the process of changing.

The most important words a man can say are "I will do better."

A journey will have pain and failure. It is not only the steps forward that we must accept. It is the stumbles. The trials. The knowledge that we will fail. That we will hurt those around us. 
But if we stop, if we accept the person we are when we fail, the journey ends. That failure becomes our destination.

I will take responsibility for what I have done. If I must fall, I will rise each time a better man.

It cannot be a journey if it doesn’t have a beginning.

What is the greatest step a man can take?

Always the next step, Dalinar.

(this is a long one, but I hope you take the time to read it.)

The above quotes are from the book, Oathbringer. It is the third novel in the stormlight archive.

It is, as I have said several times, is, probably, my favorite book by Brandon Sanderson. One of my most favorite books, actually.

There are many, many, many reasons for this.

But there is one that dwarfs all the others.

Dalinar's arc.

In as non spoilers as I can get while still talking about it, Dalinar is a character who did something horrible in his past. Oathbringer is the culmination of coming to face all the things that he's done, the people he's been, the choices he's made, the people he's wronged, the responsibilities he has, the responsibilities he's cast off and the lives he's forcibly taken.

Oathbringer shows him facing that and overcoming who he was.

Now I will enter into spoilers.

"You cannot have my pain..."

"You cannot have my choices."

Dalinar's story was and is becoming more and more deeply personal to me.

I can't explain it in the way it is, exactly. But I can try.

I have been dealing with, for three or so years, a kind of poison. A plague that wracks me as Dalinar's memories, his addictions and more wracked him. That freedom he saw and I could tangibly feel at my fingertips at the end of Oathbringer... It's a freedom I have desired and have, for a good while, taken hold of. Freedom from the guilt of it all, from the hoplessness, from the repeated circle of falling...

That freedom hasn't stayed for longer than about half a year.

Again and again, Dalinar tried. Again and again, I have tried. 

I want desperately to do the right thing, to be the right person, to say the right things, to become who I've seen myself become but retreat from it, who I know I can become. 

But why is it so hard? Why does it retreat inevitably?

Never give away your agency, never give away the right to think what you want, never give away your freedom. It may feel like you're being held back by other people, but it is not true chains, holding you back from what you truly want. Once it's in your head, it can control you, it can take hold of your thoughts, pave a pathway in your brain so that it is so storming hard to turn away from it all.

It'll come in and take you, trying to make it so it feels like it's a default. If you stopped thinking, you would do it. It makes you shut off your thoughts and makes you do it anyways. 

Some of you probably know what I'm talking about at this point. You might be typing up some sort of support thing about it. I thank you, but I also want to say that I would rather not have what it is directly advertised to those who don't know. 

Now, back to what I was talking about-

For those of you stuck in a similar cycle as me, for those of you who feel as if you cannot do the right thing, no matter what you do, no matter what you try, I want you to remember something for me, something that's helped me on the darkest days, even when I've given in too, even when it's hopeless and that I can never change.

Change takes time. True change will take, most likely, at least half a year. You'll crash down, you'll do the thing again. It's inevitable. I would be surprised if it stopped immediately. It'll seem like you're stuck in an endless loop, but you're not. It's not hopeless. There will always be possible movement. It's slow, I know, but you'll gain momentum slowly. Every time you fall, the best thing is to get up, wash your scrapes, and say "Well, I did that. It's time to do better." That's all it takes. And, someday, it'll work. Someday, it'll be done. Someday you'll be doing your thing and it'll come into your mind to do it.

And you'll look it right in the face and say: "No. Not any more. I'm done."

The desire will still come, it'll still be hard, but it will be easier. It'll become more bearable. 

It won't ever, truly, be easy, but life never is.

In the end, as Dalinar said, "In my painful experience, [saying no and changing] may be simple, but it is rarely easy."

Never stop trying. Even if it is trying to try in the first place.

There is a path to a brighter and a little easier future.

Life before death.

Strength before weakness.

Journey before destination.

These are wise words, striving men quote 'em.

Don't be surprised guys cause Brandon wrote 'em.