sniperfrog

Not 100 percent sure that this is still going on, but I would be willing to check out any novels that you guys have if you need alpha readers. I can't say that I am great at this, or even good for that matter, but I think it sounds like a swell idea.

2 minutes ago, Snakenaps said:

You could give us your first draft and I'd still be excited to read something new. You can't write worse than one of my first grade students. 

Do you like pizza? This is a very important question. 

Also, do you have any pets, and, if so, pics?????

I will definitely be sharing. I am excited to get new eyes on the project, as my roommates are the only ones that I have shared with so far. 

Yes to pizza. Always yes to pizza.

Unfortunately, my roommate is allergic to pets, so my cat Perseus had to go with my ex wife after the divorce. I unfortunately do not have any pics of him to post. 

I think I will be ready for my first submission on the 19th. I am still working out a couple of kinks, but it should be ready by then. 

Better late than never, I suppose. 

Let me start by saying I am new to this.

I began writing about 7 years ago. More worldbuilding than writing, really, but I have finally starting getting into the prose side of things. It was a bit intimidating at first, but once I figured out what I wanted (which only took seven years) it started to become a lot more enjoyable for me. My background is in construction, so I don't find a lot of time for getting out my notebooks and working on my story, but that hasn't stopped me so far. I am currently only a couple chapters in and I will say that what you guys will see will already have been through two or three iterations by the time I will have the balls to share with the class. I am a bit weird, as I enjoy writing things down in my notebooks first before typing things up. 

I enjoy most levels of fantasy, but sci/fi can be a little hard for me to get into sometimes. Some of my favorites are: Brandon Sanderson, Wheel of Time, The Dark Tower, The First Law Trilogy, and David Eddings. I love characters that show their true natures, specifically characters with grey moral compasses. This is something I am hoping to bring out in my own characters, as I feel that it makes them much more relatable. 

If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask! I look forward to working with everyone and am hoping to make some new friends as well. 

I will start off by saying that sci/fi has never really been my bag.

That being said, I really like the first character and I feel that they come off as being the brilliant sciencey type while also being a bit of a loner. I think that there are a lot of terms being thrown around at the beginning that do not really get any sort of descriptions, which makes things a little hard to follow.

The dialogue between the general and D comes off as confusing and I am having trouble following the plot here. Why is the general trying to kill off their own species? Or is that even what is happening? Did the general sabotage the coolant thing that D had to fix? This could use a bit of clearing up for me. If some of the terms were a little better explained, then it will probably help tremendously here. 

Also I am left with quite a few questions regarding this plague. Is the Z word the name of the disease or is it another species of aliens? The idea that it only affects one species is intriguing, but I feel could use a little more elaboration. Also, I'm not positive that the general wanting to kill off those that are left makes sense. Perhaps it is a combination of the aforementioned things, but I feel like a species on the brink of extinction would be more likely to try to survive, rather than commit mass suicide. 

The section with K reads a lot better, but there still were a few things that could use a little more explanation. I feel that these could all be addressed before this, though, so it probably is fine. I like how A just goes for it. That is a really good way to show his determination and resolve to do what needs doing. 

I feel that this is a good start, but without more explanation of the terms and disease, it falls a little short. Expanding the exposition in the beginning can go a long way to helping with these issues. Some of the sentence structuring also comes off a little cumbersome in places, as @Mandamon has already mentioned. Cleaning up these will also help make things a little easier to read. 

I hope this helps. I look forward to seeing where this goes!

First thing I will say is: Hello all. This is my first week of reviewing your projects, so bear with me. I will try to keep things on a broader scale until I can hone in on the feedback you guys are looking for. Let me know if I am stepping across any lines, as I am very very new to this.

Ch 1: It seems like the characters here are lost but they don't really have that "lost in the desert" feeling. The dialogue seems too lighthearted for what I am imagining to be a pretty dismal situation. Characters that joke when under pressure are great and all, but the situation comes off as not that big of a deal to me. I'm not really sure the best way to address this, but I feel like a few changes could really push the atmosphere in that direction. Unless, of course, that is not what you are shooting for, in which case, I'd say you fell somewhere in between.

The banter between F and A pushes A's character, which I like, but I feel that H and F come off a little on the flat side. I think that characters telling bad jokes is usually fine, but when the joke comes off as confusing (i.e. the rice) maybe it is worth cutting all together. The other jokes are fine, I think. 

The woman in the desert still has me asking questions and I can't wait to get the answers to them, so kudos to you for that. Between it and the question of what will happen to A next after absorbing the light, I feel that making the second chapter a continuation of this would really push the reader into asking more of these questions, which I have always felt makes reading much more engaging. 

Ch 2: This chapter shows off some of the worldbuilding (i.e. unique ecosystem and creatures) which I am really enjoying. The combat could use a little tweaking as I feel that it is a little too specific in places, which comes off a little tedious. The dialogue between D and S also could use a little work. I felt that D comes off as too much badass desert girlfriend with not enough substance. 

All in all, i think that this is a pretty good start with a lot of potential. It is obvious that you have put a lot of work into the worldbuilding, which is always a massive part of any story, and it really shows in the final product. The characters could use a little more fleshing out, but two chapters is hardly enough to really judge this. A and S do come off as very similar characters, which does make since, as they are brothers, but I feel that they need to have more distinct differences. Even just little things like mannerisms can help this a long way.

And last but not least, I love the map. I am a sucker for a good map and you deliver.  It is hard to really know what everything is, but that is why we read the books, isn't it?  Specifically, it is hard to tell if the desert is a part of the city state, or is it its own sovereign entity?

1 minute ago, Scout_Fox said:

Wow yknow no one has ever thought of it like that, how true! Just being able to have a bond would be amazing. Although yes being able to choose would be even cooler. What a beautiful way of putting it!

Love your title too btw lol

Thanks. 

Also, Thanks to everyone else as well. I haven't been on any forums for a long while. It's nice to see that it is still pretty close to the same! 

On 10/6/2020 at 3:07 PM, Scout_Fox said:

 

Out of all the Spren we have seen so far, who would you most desire to have bonded you?

 

I don't think I would have a preference, to be honest. I think that being chosen for a bond, would be enough. Now that I really think about it though. Truthseeker, probably, for the aforementioned Lightweaving and Healing people also is pretty great.

4 hours ago, eltruT said:

Welcome!

Favorite ice cream flavor and favorite villan?

Favorite ice cream favor is easy. Chocolate. Favorite villain is a bit harder. Probably due to the freshness, Sand dan Glokta from the The First Law Trilogy. But it is tight between him, Kefka from FFVI and Logen Ninefingers, who I ultimately decided had a shaky claim on being a villain to begin with.

1 minute ago, Mist said:

Welcome! What's your favorite magic system? Why? Would you want to bring it into our world?

So far, I think that the Allomancy is probably my favorite with Lightweaving in at a close second. I like the way Sanderson uses a seemingly simple power and comes up with interesting ways for the characters to use them. Lightweaving is especially like this. It makes the reader constantly second guess the character's abilities, which makes things more exciting. That is of course just my opinion.

7 minutes ago, Shard of Thought said:

Welcome to the Shard, we're happy to have you! What's your favorite Sanderson book/series? Character?

I would have to go with The Way of Kings, Oathbringer at a close second. Character is harder, probably Lift or Vin.

7 minutes ago, Chasmgoat said:

Welcome!!! What is your favorite toe?  What books have you read?

If i have to choose one, it would be the left big toe. Not sure why, really. I have read almost all of Sanderson's works. Just need to finish the second Mistborn trilogy. Currently working through The First Law Books by Joe Abercrombie. They are stellar, by the way. I highly recommend them. The Wheel Of Time, of course. David Eddings was my favorite when I was younger, but I have since grown out of them. I used to read a lot of Stephen King. The Dark Tower is also highly recommended by me. That is just a drop in the bucket, though.

Hello people of the shard. I am new around here. Please continue the conversation, I'll see if I can catch up. XD