Experience

I don't want to stop living.

I just want all the pain to go away.

I guess that's not how life works, though.

Does that mean getting rid of the pain is worth not living?

Of course not. I just want to be happy and whole again. 

Not like my old self, as I am a new person. But happy as my old self, enough to outweigh the pain.

But then...what has changed? Why can't I just...be happier? Why can't I just do the things that won't bring the pain? Why do I have to be so broken?

So broken that everyone leaves. Too scared to make new friends, because they'll just leave. Like everyone else. 

Why can't I just be the me I want? The happy me, the painless me, the friendfull me. 

Maybe because someone else has a different plan? Dare I say a better plan? But if that were so, how could all the pain be better? How could it possibly be worth it.

Whatever it is.

Unless.

Unless...all the pain, the tears, the goodbyes...everything...is the doorway to real Joy with those few who are still here. Joy amidst the pain. 

Is that even possible? Can there possibly be light at the end of this tunnel? Or am I doomed to walk alone forever in the dark?

But...then what about all the other tunnels? They've all had light at the end. Wouldn't that mean this one must have light too? 

It's just...so...hard. All the weight. The pressure. The responsibility. I don't know if I can keep going. Or if I even want to. 

I guess it comes down to why I even exist. I have heard that there are two theories. Either I came to being out of nothing. 

Or I was created by someone, with a purpose.

So...if I was created with a purpose, what could it possibly be? To keep walking, even though I can't see the light ahead? Even though all I feel are the stones cutting my feet? Even though I feel I am all alone?

Or maybe...maybe it's to find others in the tunnel...lost souls like me. Give them some light for a time, and then say goodbye...for now. 

So maybe I need to listen to his voice. Maybe I should just...think celestial. Maybe I'm blind, and I should stop looking through a dirty window. Maybe I should let him be my eyes. 

Maybe I should stop stepping in the thorns, and instead stay on the path. 

Maybe then the pain won't all go away...but...maybe... I can at least be happy again.