AubreyWrites

Hey guys! Here is chapter one from MoonStruck. In the prologue I had the PoV's of ALex, Rowana, and Elizabeth as they fled the moon colony. This is a story that's geared to YA and it's gonna be more of a slow burner than an in your face action sequence. Let me know what you think! Thanks, AubreyWrites

Thanks for all your thoughts! I will definitely take into consideration the comments on PoV. The reason I focused on the children's PoV is that even though they weren't really a part of the "action" per say is that this scene affects them all in different ways as they become adults that maybe they don't even understand at first. I plan to reveal the depth of the impact on them over a 3 part story arc. Please be patient with me! I will definitely go back and try and polish the PoV's up to make it more age appropriate. The reason I didn't go with an adult PoV is because the adults DO know too much. They think too logically and would make things too clear. I'm hoping to maintain a sort of almost dream-like confusion quality to this particular segment. You are all right that I need to make some things clearer logistically. Thank you so much! This is exactly the type of feedback I've needed. I hope to get the same lovely criticism for upcoming chapters!

I have something ready for the 28th as well. Open spot?

Thanks for your input. I think you are absolutely right on my word usage. It's been a while since I actually reviewed the prologue. And yeah the mom did die. I guess I need to clarify that. Even though it looks huge to Elizabeth it's a fairly small ship - think millennium falcon size (but not shape) and with the cabin depressurized and the door open it would be fairly easy to hear what's going on....but of course IIII know all that. I need to make that more apparent. Thanks!

Hi guys! This is my first submission for reading excuses. I'm working on a YA novel with some scifi overtones. I'm about halfway through the novel now. I would really appreciate your take on what I have written so far, thanks!

Hi there, So I just finished your chapter: here are my thoughts. Things that didn't work forme: I would have liked a little more detail about the world surrounding Emily as she passed through it to give us little nuggets of context in which to adjust to her world. That way you don't have to pull us out of POV for explanations and info dumping. me. Some of the writing felt a little over done for my taste. I know it sounds kind of like an oxymoron but more detail/less fat. Word choice can set the tone of the scene so if you have adjectives and word choices that may conflict with the tone you are trying to convey it can have the effect of just weighing the story down unnecessarily as the reader has to continually reconcile what you are trying to say with they pretty words that don't quite match. Saying something in a simple way to convey the sense of confusion she is feeling might help you to relate her sense of disorientation. Example- when Emily wakes up after being knocked unconscious. { She tried to move her arm up to touch her head but someone restriained her} She is trying to remember where she is and what is happening. It is all very disorienting as sensations and memories come rushing back to her. So how does she know it is someONE holding her back. And the word "restrain" in this context is almost too elegant and proper a word to really help your 'confused' tone. Just an opinion. Also at home when her family is together I got a very "leave it to beaver" type atmosphere. I get that she has a happy loving family but the whole uncle Chris Segway into "what life lesson can we draw from this moment" felt a little over the top. And when she is meeting the World Order guy. Supposedly this is your policing force right? So wouldn't she feel at least a little bit nervous to be having a sit down with one of them. Especially since she doesn't feel good and is confused. Wouldn't being thrown up in front of an authority figure give her the slightest pause to make her question why or what she has done wrong to get this sort of reaction? She took the whole thing in stride way too easily for me. Now for the good things I am intrigued by the world building you have going on and am interested to see how you develop out the social structure . Why doesn't anyone travel? How did New York get a different policing type force. I would read more to find out. I like the twins and slight hint of mystery surrounding the relationship "uncle Chris"has with the family.i am also interested in Emily's questions about what's happening to her and can't wait to see the interal struggle to come up with answers. Keep writing!

Hi everyone! I just joined reading excuses this week and just saw this thread for introductions. I am Aubreywrites and currently I am a stay at home mom and Natural childbirth educator in Texas. I have been writing off and on since high school between stories and poetry. Hopefully one day I will publish- the stories-not the poetry. I enjoy critiquing others work as well. I am addicted to stories in all their forms whether on the page, the screen, or the stage. Even if the story isn't particularly original if it is well executed then there is a pretty good chance I will pay attention. I read pretty much everything except horror and harlequins. I love sacrifice/fantasy, historical fiction, westerns, classics, and well done YA, My list of faves is way too long but here are just a few of the authors on my shelves. Zane Grey, Timothy Zahn, Jane Austen, Brandon Sanderson, Thomas B. Costain, roger Zelanzney, Robert Jordan, Charlotte Bronte, Anne McCaffery, Stephenie Meyer (the Host ), L.E. Modisett jr, John Grisham, Pat Frank, John Cambell, Suzanne Collins.....the list goes on and on. Thanks for letting me be a part of your group!

Hi, I'm new to Reading Excuses but by the looks of things it's exactly the type of place I've been looking for. I've been working on a story for a couple years now (off and on) and am now at a place where I could use a fresh set of eyes to help me fix blips, work out kinks, motivate to keep writing....and generally help me improve myself as a writer. If at all possible I would like to submit this week. Thanks! AubreyWrites