Channelknight Fadran

So I'm going to start by pointing out the first sentence. You should consider showing rather than telling the fact that he's in the inn. Instead of saying "the dimly lit tavern which was part of the Waystop Inn," say something to imply that he's in an inn, then pull the name out later--probably in his dialogue with the bartender. You also begin by describing Shard before the inn, but the way you structured the first sentence makes it look like you're going to describe the inn first and then Shard. To inform the reader that you're going to describe him first, give him something interesting to do. Something like this (I also did my best to help the descriptive phrases flow better): Shard breathed in deeply, eyes flitting from one person to the next, his mug untouched before him. Shard had on a midnight cloak, white hair as a stark contrast to his dark getup. A sword lay scabbarded to his side, embroidered with runes that were no longer understood by man. The people he looked at were nothing remarkable: In the corner near the hearth was a group of gamblers, betting on a game of cubes. There was a pair of men at another table, dressed with furs that distinguished them as trappers. A few people sat at the bar drinking wine beer and keeping to themselves. The first sentence in the next paragraph has a repeat of the same verb, which makes it a little rough to read over. Other than that, it's perfectly fine. Shard walked up to the bar and waited for the innkeeper. The innkeeper was not portly like others; someone like himself could not afford such frivolities in the outskirts of Gredlow. He was slightly above average height, though still a few inches shorter than Shard, and wore the drab clothing that was commonplace in these parts. I'll give some vague advice here to take care with your action scenes. A well-written action scene can really paint a picture in a reader's mind. How you write it is up to you, but you need to highlight when the most important moments are. The first time I read through this, I missed the part where he stabbed Kreen with his own sword; part of this, of course, was due to subject-dialogue agreement (I just made that up that term on the spot and wow do I feel like an english teacher). The focus of the paragraph is on Kreen, because he's the one talking, so I missed the fact that Shard was doing something important. "You cannot have it. I am the sacred keeper of this sword. It has been handed down from rather to son for generations, to be returned to the shaows when they return to Zaard once again." Shard fingered his own sword, and then, quiet as a mouse (ew, simile) drew it from its scabbard. "You will never have it." Without so much of a grunt, Shard spun his blade about to aim the point at himself, then rammed it through his heart. Behind him, Kreen gasped, a cry trying to escape but caught beneath shock. Shard removed the sword, blood dripping onto the floor like a drunken man's beer (oooh, simile). Behind him, Kreen crashed to the sword, groaning quietly. I would add more advice here, but I'm tired, so I won't. Hope this helps!

I originally pronounced it Jinn-yor-ah, but after watching some LoK, I started just pronouncing it Jinn-ora (Jinora's an awesome character). Storms. Not another meme! Out! Out of my pub! *Whacks Matrim with a broom*

That's because I love you guys, which also means I love holding the balloon just out of your reach. (is that an actual idiom, or should I make it one?)

"Same."

Ace? Are you OK? (Can I call you Ace?) That's a Tier 11 Secret--only the author may know.

I don't know what you smell

"It would be in our scope of luck for that to happen." Fadran agrees.

Yeah. We'll be with you two in a minute.

We're leaving this sucker behind. Probably a bad idea and will result in a more dangerous encounter later in the story, but we're leaving anyways!

Fadran realizes the problem, then snaps his fingers and summons a radio. It starts playing Take On Me.

"Thank you for the offer, but I think we're good." Fadran nods curtly (never gotten to use that word *excited noises*). "Come on, guys." He leads the others north, after Kindness and Queen.

Then, Melody 4.0 joined to confuse the thread!

Yes, apparently. *Wins*

Mmm... you're right, of course. Glad I chose you. @Matrim's Dice we'll let them go... this time.

We need to make an example. Who wants to be executed?

Approximately how many more posts will it take me to become a celebrity? Oh, storms... forgot the daisies.

I should feel very badly about myself. I will cry now. Granted. I wish for forgiveness.

I love them all, though!

In all my daydreams and hopes of being an author... having Iconar Collective memes was never one of them.

Thanks a bunch! I've always hated introducing a characters age by telling it (though I kind of did that for Corrin...), probably because I tended to start my first stories by physically describing the main character (like an idiot). I mean that you just yelled "Dain" and it made me laugh, so I upvoted the post.

Well. I'll be working on all these for awhile...

Well, first of all I need Sylvain/Felix/Ingrid (for obvious reasons). Then I need Felix/Dimitri/Dedue (show that he's strong by not attacking Dedue only when Dimitri isn't around). Then maybe Mercedes/Annette/Lorenz (I might not bother with that one). Bernadetta/Marianne/Annette (both the un-people-persons being given "work hard" boot camp by Annie).