Actual quotes from my friends:
"I am the least weird, but I am also the least normal. I am the most extraordinary."
"Studying is for the weak and rational."
"Man. What I can achieve when I actually think for a change."
"Personally I would rather talk about dead minecraft cows than the meaning of life."
"This town isn't big enough for two ferrets."
"Last time I checked, my camera was not in your stomach, but I could be wrong."
"You don't have a valid opinion if you don't like cranberries!"
"I'M surviving the apocalypse, you flipping lamppost."
"Are you having a knee seizure?"
"I just insulted you in ancient gibberish. So be offended!"