Coop

I would like to submit on the 8th

Hey AH16, I was one of those who really liked your prologue, but unfortunately I wasn't as engaged in these chapters. I'm trying to put my finger on why I wasn't getting dragged in, and I think it had something to do with the overall mood--or Hellas' mood--during these chapters. For example, Hellas kept awaking from heart-pounding flashbacks, and in no time he was back to his casual, "sure, whatever" mood. Hellas didn't seem too concerned about what was happening to him (except in the few seconds after each flashback), so I wasn't too concerned either. From what I gather, you originally had him as a dark and brooding Batman sort of character and then decided to liven him up with all the wisecracks and whatnot. Maybe you could keep the jokes but show a little better how thin a veneer it is that is covering the broken, hopeless man you want to present him to be. Personally, I think you should do a touch more world-building. My brain kept imagining NYC and I had to remind myself that this was Heaven. Just my opinion. I really liked the description of the fire sprite!

Hello all, I've been happy to find this writing group and hope that I can free my schedule up enough to become a regular here. My name is Eric Cooper and I live in northern Utah. Dan Wells was a friend from college, and he made me aware of this group a while back. I write mostly for children, though I have an older MG/YA fantasy/sci-fi novel I am hoping to get feedback on. I am an elementary school counselor and have published a book in my career field, but so far only struck out with fiction. In my reading, I gravitate toward original, strange ideas and places. Here are some of my favorites from the last few years: The Stars My Destination, A Fire Upon the Deep, The Lathe of Heaven, Mistborn, Ubik, Ready Player One, The Warded Man. And I also like straightforward heroic quests by authors such as David Gemmell and R.A. Salvatore. But the answer to the "What would you take if you were stranded on a deserted island?" question would most certainly be The Complete Calvin and Hobbes. P.S. I'm a very slow reader and writer (though I prefer to call myself deliberate ), so I apologize in advance for not reading and critiquing as many of the submissions as I wish I could. Nice to meet you all! Coop

First of all, I really enjoyed your writing style. There were plenty of well-crafted sentences to sink my teeth into. I liked Quirk's sketch the best. I felt like I learned a lot about him as he reacted to his changing surroundings. The depiction of the surroundings nicely mirrored his moods. As with Eagle, I'm not sure how much of Moth I could stand to read. Also, her vignette didn't leave much of an impression with me overall. With Quirk, I felt like I was in the scene and strutting alongside him. But after Moth's story, I didn't recall much that I had read except her crabbiness. I wasn't as invested in her section. Though, it was just one scene and not every scene needs to leave a lasting impact, I suppose. As for characterization in general, these vignettes are a good introduction to these characters, but I'm not yet hooked and dying to know more about them. I imagine that with a few more pages and more information about them I very well could be. Nice work!

One more thing... The eye color stuff seemed unnecessary to me. It didn't have much of a cool factor for me and didn't seem to add much dimension to these characters and their interactions. Don't facial expressions reveal the same things that the color changes do--aren't these color changes redundant?

I really enjoyed this prologue. This is the kind of book I would definitely continue reading to see if it maintains its promise. Here are a few of my thoughts as I read: - I liked a lot of your descriptive flourishes that helped create a vivid world in my mind. For example, I really like the opening paragraph, with its "rainbow-coloured snowflakes" and time-bending air currents. Descriptions of the characters' wings and the Forging abilities were also evocative. - I thought that the way the Void messed up Hellas on his way back to Heaven was a nice touch. - I didn't buy the idea that the city was being ravaged and that two of its military leaders had no awareness of it. You argue that Heaven had never been attacked and had had centuries of peace, but I was not convinced by these reasons. - Maybe others will disagree with me on this point... Midway through the prologue, I was imagining an otherworldly, magical kind of place, but when Catherine's Steel Hawks dropped incendiaries, my mind suddenly shifted to images of napalm and Vietnam. I'm not saying that all of the weapon effects need to look as magical as the Forging, but I would suggest giving descriptions of fire, for example, a slightly otherworldly quality, which might be more consistent with your setting. E.g.: maybe fire burns a little differently there in terms of color, shape, or movement, idk. - "Hey," a voice roared... This line seems a little silly without an exclamation mark after "hey". - "Why. Won't. You. Open." Lucifer raged... -- Similar to the preceding point, this line doesn't really work, in my opinion. - "You're not getting away," Hellas murmured. -- This statement comes off like a melodramatic comic book line. - "After everything we've been together?" -- Do you mean "been through together"? - I like the Forging stuff but maybe you show too much of it in the prologue. It's a cool thing; maybe you should tease it at first, rather than reveal so much. For example, Hellas could fight with a sword or something initially, then switch to Forging when he really needs it. - I like how you've altered a few things about our understanding of well known religious stories. For example, the line about the people of Heaven "discovering" the people on earth made me smile and wonder what the story is behind that. - Not sure what I thought of the ending. I was okay with the woke-from-a-dream plot device, though I didn't love it. And I wasn't sure what you were going for with Hellas' arrest. It just made me scratch my head. Still, I was hooked enough at this point that I would have kept turning the pages. Nice work! I look forward to chapter 1!

I agree with a lot that has been said above, which I hope means that you should have a clear direction as to how to take this story up a notch or two. For example, with regard to cliches, I know that when I'm writing a scene (such as the parting scene between Kendaryk and his family), usually the first few ideas that come to my mind are the cliches--like a character fondly noticing a flower in a girl's hair, or the "come back in one piece" line. But I think that if we throw out some of these first ideas that come to us, and if we keep digging, we can find new and clever ideas that will bring more interest to readers. I like the atmosphere/tone of the story and the writing and pacing. Like another reviewer above, I was emotionally invested when Kendaryk got back to his town and looked for his family, even though the outcome was guessable. I lost interest a little in the middle section describing the battles and the enemy. I got distracted by your syntax in a few places. For example: “I won't be gone long, I promise.” He said softly to Elerain. There should be a comma after promise, and "He" should be lower-cased. I saw this frequently in the text: “Just don't tell your mother.” He whispered back. And: “Sir, I don't mean to intrude, but the troops are ready to move out.” The man said in a high voice. This is the sort of book I like to read, so I will look forward to reading more from you!