Zay Wolfe

That seems obvious now haha. What if I establish him as a victim first in some way? Also I could give him a bit more of a drive to better himself, at least he would have some good quality then. I wonder if it was a mistake to make his growth the finding of meaningful work. My thought was that for the first session the AI would try to tackle the most easy to fix thing. Trying to fix his lack of meaning by giving him meaningful work. Now that I think about it, I don't think it serves the story well enough. Maybe if I have the AI focus on the relationships with his wife and children the growth would be stronger and make more sense. Because the main issue that sticks in people's minds is how sick the relationship is with his wife and children. But I'm conflicted a bit because the purpose of the story is a criticism of this behavior and I feel like if he heals completely it just excuses him. Which would defeat the purpose in my mind. Maybe I'm wrong though. I'd like him to heal in a way for there to be some kind of closure. But also if he just feels better about everything in the end then he doesn't get the consequences he deserves for his actions. It excuses the horrible things he did. It's tough one. [edit] What if he does get the consequences? What if the child abuse is reported because the AI is required to report criminal behavior. But then I'm also conflicted because then society is the hero... Yeah it's a difficult part. I'm kind of at a loss to find away to explain it that wouldn't feel like I'm hitting the reader over the head or that fits in a way that doesn't effect the flow. I think I need to let the story sit for a while. Maybe after half a year or so I can come back to it with different ideas. Thanks, this has been! And I want to apologize again to others and @neongrey. I'm a bit shaken. I didn't expect to get that reaction. It hurts me that I betrayed your trust, it wasn't intended. But it's a good shaken, it's a learning experience and know I'll do better to warn you in advance better.

@kaisa Thanks for the response. I guess I was blindsided by the strong emotional reaction. Needless to say I'll make sure to better tag my writing for violence and sexual content haha. I'm so happy I could clear up that this story is a criticism of this behavior and a society that allows it to persist and get buried under the rug. I also feel like that's something we're struggling with now in society. Victims get blamed and people find a way to explain away horrible behavior. I'd say I just wanted to shine a light that if nothing is done about this then technology could cause these things to get worse and easier to hide from. My idea with the sexual assault is that since the AI and the society the AI was birthed from is broken, it should mirror that hidden imperfection as a product of imperfect creators. I knew from the start that I wanted the AI to do well but ultimately fail David in a big way. My idea was that the creator has mistakenly prioritized a peaceful state at the end of a session above the client's wellbeing and what they really need for healing. To a computer, sexual release might seem like an obvious choice to release dopamine and accomplish this. The main character reacts violently because he feels betrayed by the act after opening himself up, and having shown himself to be violent in the past and out of control, continues the same behavior in an over the top way. This also partly stems from the fact that he feels the need to overpower those weaker than him because in his normal life he feels powerless. [edit] Also, I wanted to add that from the start I wanted David to react violently to that failure because of his dangerous and low mental maturity and I liked that it would mirror what he did with his son. I think I went too heavy handed with it though, maybe if the AI fails him in a less extreme way it could be better. I just figured that the AI would have to fail him in a huge gigantic way to provoke that kind of response and it still make sense.

I can take criticism to my work, but this is different. I feel personally ashamed that I've offended people with my writing. It wasn't my intent. It's my fault for not warning anyone appropriately and for writing it in the first place. I can take writing a bad story, but I can't take harming anyone. I'll try to keep writing but I'll definitely be more mindful of other people's sensibilities and my own biases. I'm so sorry everyone.

You're right. I think I was biased because of my knowledge of software. I see the AI as a collection of algorithms, there is no ill intent because of an AI is innocent to a fault. I guess that made the act less than it was in my mind. This is only the second story I've ever written and the first time I've ever showed anyone my writing. I love writing because of the ability to push boundaries and explore subjects never explored because they're taboo or against customs. I guess I did explore something never explored, that even with great intentions, a robot could try to rape someone. But I went too far. I apologize. If people want, I'll remove myself from the group.

I think it's important now to try to illustrate my intent with the story because it's clear that I'm not writing it effectively enough. I noticed that as technology progresses people are more getting internalized. They're focusing more on themselves and on these little devices that they constantly look at. People are also getting used to instant gratification, getting food near instantly and having all kinds of entertainment at the push of a button. So effectively I'm just projecting these ideas onward into the future to an extreme level. This is the future where people no longer deal with the outside world. They live in little digital worlds of their own design within implants in their brains. Food, sex, entertainment, and AI companions are all available instantly with a thought leading to most being used to instant gratification. In this digital world people also have no consequences for their bad behavior, they can delete certain memories from themselves or their children or just recluse more inwardly into their own digital worlds like the MC. Thus there's an epidemic where no one really matures beyond a high school level and everyone is focused only on themselves because the world enables that behavior. In the beginning I'm trying to establish the two main characters and show the MC's nature of being whiney and used to having his way. The AI though not a very good therapists tries to establish the power relationship by asserting herself over him. The violent act with his child is also to establish the fact that this world is lacking of consequences, though the main character shows his potential for growth by his desire to embrace his guilt over the act by not deleting his memory too. The next part till the end is the AI trying to break his accepted constructs over his past and himself. She largely effective in this and does manage to reach him in a way. The end is the failure of the AI. I have experience programming AI's and deep neural networks. AI's are limited by us making them. She effectively has a bug because the programmer has prioritized that users must leave in a peaceful state over what they need. AI's also don't have morals, except when explicitly defined by us. They're creations of pure logic, so while her definition of violence and rape might include acts between humans-to-humans, it doesn't include acts between software-to-humans. The message here is that we may succeed in nearly making utopia through software but we may never reach it because of our own flaws. This is also very probable. AI libraries are becoming freely available and anyone right now from an expert to a teenager can now create their own artificial intelligences without any limits. I can see a future where a therapy bot is created by a competent programmer with some knowledge of psychology but with no actual expertise in either. I wanted him to end their relationship violently because it mirrors what he did to his child but in a new context where that violence is more appropriate as an act of defense from a flawed piece of software (with no real gender in the typical sense and merely a computer) trying to assert its own directives over the health of their client. At the end, I wanted him to give the elephants to his children to show that he views them differently and maybe plans to use what he learned to better help them as they grow. Then to wonder about a future with a meaningful career, showing that despite the AI's terrible flaws, she reached him in a small way. (edit: by the way, I didn't intend for this to be a further neglect of his parenthood. In my mind his children can still see him even if his physical body is in space. It might take longer for them to transfer to his brain though. It's was him finding purpose for himself.) This has confirmed for me that this should not be a commercial story, or a fun story. It's a warning of what the future may hold where instant gratification is the norm and we continue to look inward instead of outward. Also a bit about the unlimited use of AI where anyone can create a 'therapist' AI and brand it as such without the regulations or certification. I would love any suggestions to better make these ideas clearer. I can see how this is an issue. I used those kind identifiers because I didn't want to confuse the reader. I originally began to refer to him as a woman but I found it very confusing trying to tell who was speaking after that. Maybe I can make it more clear just by using names, though I never give the woman a name. If you have any suggestions here I'd love to here them. Note: He doesn't actually have a gender change, just his face changes to a woman's. The face changes are more a representation of his emotional state. He changes to a child face as he has an outburst and into an older woman's face when he calms down and becomes more in tune with his emotions and forthcoming about them and what happened. I realized I could make it clearer by having his face change when he becomes violent. Maybe this means I should be more clear that just the face changes. I wouldn't say it's his wife that causes his ills in my mind. It's a world without consequences where you can just delete memories of bad things you do. The whiney is an aspect of this, they come from a world again without consequences and where every desire can be found instantly with a thought. Which is why both him and his wife have a low maturity level. Which is also why their arguments are very childish. I also tried to show how self-focused he is by not giving his children names, as if they're background characters in his mind. The fact that he rejects his responsibilities as a parent, (the mother too) also represents this. Something he doesn't really overcome at the end. (I feel like him overcoming everything at the end would hurt the message that this society is broken to its core values) That's a very apt response to his character. Which was meant to communicate the message that this could be the norm in this kind of future. There are no consequences, even for physical abusers, which is why it provokes such a strong distaste. That was my point, how would you feel in a world where this kind of behavior is the norm? Again this is a future to serve as a warning. I feel like I hit all the emotional points I wanted to and this makes me very happy. The society it paints is broken in part because of the utopia. But I think where I failed was the message. You get all the emotional feelings of disgust and aversion to who these people are and act without any of the context of why you should be feeling these things. I would love to hear any suggestions on how to make it more clear

This is my first time reading this. That was really cool. You seem to thrive on action scenes. I found them very clear and easy to follow. The only issue I have is the beginning. As I'm reading it the writing goes from eh, to passable, to awesome by the end. 1. I've heard others mentioning that things seem unclear. I think this is a problem with your sentence structure and the imagery you use. For instance this sentence: Embers danced along the bitter cold wind landing on store rooftops and igniting new flames, spreading the blaze like a living creature creeping slowly through the city. I would have written it like this: Embers danced in the bitter cold wind, landing on store rooftops and igniting new flames, like a monster creeping slowly through the city. Embers danced in the bitter cold wind, landing on store rooftops and igniting new flames, like a monster creeping slowly through the city. Here are my reasons: a. Using the word 'along' in "Embers danced along the bitter breeze" I feel doesn't make as strong an image. Maybe it's just me, but when I hear the word 'along' I picture the embers outside of the breeze but near it, which is weird. It's much simpler to say they were in the breeze. b. "spreading the blaze" is redundant. You already say the wind is spreading to rooftops and igniting new flames. c. 'living creature' is okay, but 'monster' strikes a stronger image. 2. Here's another example: Ash now covered everything, the ivory-colored cobblestone streets and the brightly coloured stores once so full of joyful Allurians living out their daily lives, but no more. Ash now covered everything, the ivory-colored cobblestone streets and the brightly coloured stores once so full of joyful Allurians living out their daily lives, but no more. It's an oddly formatted sentence, I had to reread it a few times to get it. This and other sentences like this feel like they're trying to accomplish too much. It would be much clearer if broken into two sentences. I would have written like this: Ash now covered everything. The joyful Allurians that once filled the ivory-colored stone streets and brightly colored stores were gone. 3. I have no idea what's going on in this sentence: The dying vegetation that surrounded Alluren for miles, degrading into ash, had drifted and settled over the city causing constant ashfalls. Is this something that's happening now because of the fire? Is this just a thing that happens all the time? If it's the first then why is it worded like its the vegetation causing the ashfall instead of the fire causing the ashfall? If it's the other, how does vegetation degrade into ash? Did something turn them into ash? 4. Honestly I don't like world building in a prologue. You can't always count on readers to read it and skipping straight to the story. I feel like it would be much more effective if if just started in the action. I'd cut out everything until the paragraph that starts with "Embers danced" then hint at the location in the text. The trouble parts are before the actions happens and if you start there I think it flows much nicer. But that's ultimately a matter of taste, I guess. 5. I don't like Alandria's dialog, or the first dialog at all. It seems to only serve the purpose of conveying "This thing Lyzell is writing is important!" And that can be better conveyed through him writing 'furiously' or with action. Odd that he doesn't seem too stressed while writing when the city is literally burning down around him. 5.a I feel like Alandria's dialog in the beginning betrays her character and makes her seem way too incompetent. Her character is so collected and competent later on, so it's odd. If she's the type that's unsettled by sitting still then there are better ways to convey it that doesn't maker her seem airheaded. Other than those things, I really liked this and found myself getting drawn into the story by the end. I thought the magic was really cool. The stones that projected books were also really awesome and unique. [edit] World building not word building XD

V* Nothing gratuitous, but a character does try to hurt someone S* Nothing gratuitous, but a character does try to sex someone In this short story I'm trying to focus more on dialog and being more concise. I'm not sure if I'm going too scarce with the descriptions, but I like the ambiguity because of nature of the story and it's dream-like quality. I haven't checked grammar much, but I can fix that with a few more passes. I'm more interested in just how effective the story is. Is it interesting? Is the future it paints thought provoking? What kind of questions do you think the story asks? And anything else relating to the story and structure. I really appreciate this, I can't wait to check out the other stories. [edit] Changing the lesson question to a more appropriate one.

I feel like there should be some kind of award.

Good point. Well I'm really giddy to join this community. I don't know other writers besides the friend I'm editing for and I'm much further along than he is. Too bad there isn't an introduction thread to get to know everyone. [edit] Never mind, I just found the introduction thread in the "Other Resources" in the welcome thread

I haven't received confirmation yet to join the group, sent the PM yesterday but if I can officially join by Monday, I'd like to submit something, if there's room of course

Lately I've been editing a friend's book as they write it. I think I've become pretty good, giving advice about story structure, characters, dialog, grammar, perspective, etc. But, I noticed that I seem to lose my ability to distinguish problem areas with these things in own work. I try to cast a critical eye and despite my efforts I feel blinded. Is it even possible to edit yourself without bias?

This is an old post, but I just came across an actual legal precedent that applies directly to this. You can absolutely reference popular culture in your work and even borrow parts from other works as well but only if the work is considered transformative. Here's what the supreme court says on how to tell if a work is transformative. So as long as your work transcends the original in expression or meaning a significant degree then it's fair use. Here's a link to an article about it for those curious. http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/fair-use-what-transformative.html [edit] Wanted to add to this for other users who may find this in a search.

The world I'm working on is a few thousand years into the future. In this future corporations have absorbed governments and have become the leading governing bodies in the galaxy. Investors are citizens and get a say in how things are run during investor meetings. Poorer families that can't afford investment have no citizenship and no defined rights to speak of. The company boardrooms meet and form a tribunal with other corporations to discuss law and policy. I thought it could be a realistic future that has evolved from our current state.

I would read Ready Player One. It's a great story, not absolutely the best writing in my opinion, but a fantastic story all the same. It is chock-full of references to pop culture. The last showdown is literally Ultraman fighting Mechagodzilla. If Ready Player One can be published without much legal trouble I would look to it for inspiration.