Vreeah

Hi Robinski, thanks for the great critique! There's so much stuff I can practice on here. I really like this grading system. It's so neat and concise. I think the consequences of their actions is a big part of many criminal protagonist character arcs. I won't go for the questionable twist of leaving it out, but I do want to make sure it isn't incredibly direct. Gah, alright, need to figure out better magic descriptions. Yeah, I've read Mistborn. I'll see how well the magic descriptions in my next couple chapters fare. If it goes well, I'll see if I can adapt it to describe internal spells like Riley's gravity redistribution. Regent king was a sort of a specialized term. I think I introduced it too early. I'll leave that bit out and just let the government be shown later. Ah. The video I personally used for reference was this one: https://youtu.be/W5y_1nGULdM There were multiple explosions because the sodium kept getting launched back in the air by the blasts, but I figured there'd be one big explosion of a slightly bigger size if it went off while fully submerged. Magic was suppressing the normal reaction, yes. Well that was an unexpected similarity. This one is definitely unintentional. I haven't watched Game of Thrones, except for the season 6 finale because everyone was on about how it was such an enjoyable finale (it was). I shall soon attempt to make you love Riley, or at least dislike her less. Capture was inevitable, though, since she never intended to stop. This is draft 2 of the first chapter, but I don't think I would've been able to improve all that much on my own. All the critique and analysis so far have pinpointed a lot of faults I wouldn't have noticed on my own, so I greatly appreciate the help so far. I'm trying to put the magic system on full display, soon. It'll show how I have it working right now. If it doesn't work out, I'll need to revamp it. Yes, onwards and upwards! I likely can't quite change all my faults at will, but I'm going to practice as much as I can. === I do admit to purposefully avoiding "had". I see this was a mistake, and will attempt to correct it as I continue. Ah math, my thirty-fifth greatest enemy. I knew I shouldn't have allowed you to wander into this domain. Nope, biological dad. Mistake on my part, I kept slipping out of Riley's perspective. Agreed, there are no victimless crimes. The idea was for a character arc to involve growing out of this thought process, though if this causes too much negative sympathy I might need to load in some of those Robin Hood-esque character traits earlier on. I think this is a reference to The Incredibles. If so, then tornadoes are indeed a risk for caped fliers. Not a good place to hide her stuff, I'm guessing? Yep, that wasn't what I wanted to convey. I definitely need to rework the descriptions. The idea was to use the inhibition affinity to reduce the body's reaction to all gravity, but then use catalyst to let the body make an exception and boost its reaction to one particular source gravity. Ah dangit, I'm sure that was one of the words I cycled through while writing. I guess "through" shouldn't have won. I should cut that word, shouldn't I? Right, need better descriptions. This part was a lot of brain clashing, because there are metal beasts that aren't artificial, and these ones are modeled after big cats. This involves a bunch of things I have in my head, but not on my pages. I'll need to find ways to add it without leaving Riley's perspective. The king coming into town was big news that everyone knew about. He knew Riley's method of operation (go for whoever is the richest person at the moment), and arrived early so that there was less time to figure things out. The hotel knew it got to host a king, and made a big deal of it, which the king didn't oppose. The hotel got to flaunt its status and get more business, while the king manipulated Riley into going to a specific place. Hm, there's a better way for her to carry this stuff. I'll have to figure it out. I'll need to skip this term, for now. In short, there are six kings with their own lands and courts of nobles. Yep, ruling is hard and Riley has no idea. Absolutely. It only seemed like luck to Riley. For the king, it was more like, "please stand in this exact spot when you come in." The jar of water was the device I tried to use to indicate that the sodium was being magically suppressed. I previously considered leaving it out in the open and implying the suppression magic by describing how it didn't react to the air. I wonder if there's a compromise between these two methods that'll work better. Not a serf. Walking encyclopedia and ongoing history book, and a king's friend. Will indicate this more clearly, or delay until it's established. Beware the foolish king, for there are fewer of those than it appears. Gotcha, ending needs more impact. === You know, introducing the king's viewpoint midway would solve a fair chunk of these problems. I wonder if it's worth considering a multiple viewpoint chapter. Actually, it is worth considering, because I'm already considering.

You guys ever had those moments where you know you're sleepy because you keep making typos you don't notice, but don't want to go to sleep because then the number of hours you have left to write (and live) will reduce by a chunk? I am not a happy sleeper.

Time for a stream of consciousness. I'm jumping in late, so sorry in advance for everything that confuses me. === Ch 12, Page 1: I hate the underground too, bubby. Caving is a terrifying pastime. Oh, bringing down the building? Quake powers? That or a terrible basement. Ah, we're in a more sci-fi zone. Hm. Bride tryouts. Sounds fancy, but the current setting tells me otherwise. It seems it's the world that crumbles, or at least most of it. Also, no quake powers. Ch 12, Page 2: A quick jump to Pascal's turn. I'm guessing the other candidates end up being unimportant to the story. She's good, and seems like a favorite. The most nimble, for sure. Hm, do the Brides get along, then? I guess this isn't a tournament scenario. Well, that finished fast. Yeah, other candidates aren't important, at least not to our buddy here. Hello person. Ch 12, Page 3: Restating. Hello very important and likely competent person. Hello rich person. I'd guess you have family issues of some sort. Then again, a lot of people do. Also, I think Oz spaced out during most of this conversation, cause we're getting a pretty raw playback. Nearly forgot we were in his head. Ch 12, Page 4: I already figured you didn't care about them, Oz. Hi artist person. Oh no, Oz, did you get caught in the winds of romance? It happens. Dinosaur people! Yes! Artist tags in for exposition. I feel her sudden answer would've worked better in my head if someone asked a question first. Ch 12, Page 5: Okay, I'm a bit lost at this mention of infiltration. Is that about whatever Oz did before this chapter? That security thing might've been unrelated, but that's my best guess. Ooo, maximum plot. This seems like a bad idea, Oz. Now, is Pascal still mulling over whatever Oz was involved in, or does she just hate dinosaur folks? Ch 12, Page 6: Was Oz talking about Pascal? I guess he was, because that feels like a reason that'd fill a person with hate. I guess Pascal hates em. Also, I think those statements defeat each other, Hayden. If you know they're friends, then you should also figure that they know each other. Weren't you two already standing right next to each other the last page? Arms nearly touching and all that? Another small step might be unneeded. Ch 12, Page 7: No, don't be fooled by the sketch of love, Oz! Resist! Aw, well at least you acknowledge the doom you're walking into. === Yep, I'm pretty confused. I can't be sure if it's the structure of the chapter or my inexperience with past events and proper nouns. Oz seems very direct and stoic. Hayden feels jumpy, like her confidence is somewhat false. I wouldn't be surprised if she's being manipulated by others.

Glad I captured your interest, AuthorityHellas16! Hm, yeah, that could be good buildup for Reginald's purpose. Gotcha. I'll how I can manipulate the information I can give through the treasury. The magic system is going to be on full blast in the next couple chapters. I hope you enjoy what it does when it blooms. Agreed. I'll try and ramp up the most important descriptions. That's what I was hoping for, though it looks like the planning didn't come off too well. I'm going to try and streamline the theft in those portions. Yeah. I left the wrong impression of Linnald's goal at the chapter's end. Definitely need to show his intentions beforehand. Thanks for the review! I hope the next couple chapters catch your eye.

I believe we were at exactly 5. Coop, Hobbit, Kaisa, Spieles, and I are signed up for the 22nd. That puts us at 4, now. @AuthorityHellas16, you tried to sign up last week. Still want in for this week?

I'm going to sign up for a 22nd submission.

It's a huge help, Neongrey! I really appreciate it. === Thanks Mandamon! I believe the slow start has been unanimously noticed in different ways, which is awesome information. I'm going to fully concentrate on reversing that. Hm, thinking about it, maybe I should dial down on the proper nouns for magic. I barely noticed how obscure they are since I memorized them. In a way, I'm probably describing them too much like a teacher and not enough like Riley. Yeah... I'm going to do some term and description replacements on these following chapters. The approach wasn't right. Ah, passivity, my third greatest enemy. I shall vanquish you as well. I can see where the similarities with Sanderson's systems might rise from. I'll see if this new description style captures the essence of my system any better.

This is difficult. Alright, time for a character analysis on Lasila. If I assume the starting quote is from her culture, she'll be from a self-suppressing society. This seems to be the case as I read on. She kept her reactions toned down during the meeting to keep up appearances. I couldn't get much of a read on her during the first part since she shied away from her honest thoughts. She's pragmatic, curious, and hungry for information. The requirement of keeping up appearances was a higher priority during the meeting, but those tendencies seemed to hover in her head. Since being a lawyer is not a profession she's expected to be in, that tells me she greatly desires the benefits of this career. Enjoyment is not remotely involved. Money is mentioned a few times, so acquiring it is one of her main goals. Status might be, as well. Then, we get to the scene transition. She's dissatisfied with the state of her surroundings, and feels resigned to where her life has ended up. Any hint or possibility of loss frustrates and depresses her. It wears her down, but she puts up a show of defiance before accepting the situation. She takes pride in all things she took the time to nurture. In conclusion, Lasila comes off as a person who agrees with and tries to follow a safe, progressive, and logical path in life. She'll pursue any course of action that follows reason. That's who she's trying to be. When discussing or arguing, she draws on that self-image to make her points. Internally, her emotional motivations are centered around past losses. She seems to be driven with the desire of gathering resources that'll build a lossless world around her. Wealth, status, and power are all needed, but they're in short supply. She overworks as much as she can manage. Her cardinal hatred and fear is abandonment. Anyone or anything that falls under her care will be protected with fury.

Glad you liked it, Eagle! Hm, she doesn't end up going back home for the rest of the first half, so a flashback later might be the best option to move that interaction down the line. I personally like avoiding flashbacks when I can, though, so another option is to have Riley meet back up with her parents later. I'll see if I can figure out a good way to achieve that. Seems like I need to get the character's age and features ironed out earlier. I'll put a higher priority on that. Darn, I used to have a paragraph where Riley noticed some fliers above her. Maybe I shouldn't have cut that out. It was close to the bit with the theatre, and I didn't want too much world building all at once. Seems like it would've been useful now, though. Hm. Mm, mentions of infodumping are coming up a bit. I'll need to be more creative with that information. I'll look into the ventilation system. I might end up giving Riley more talismans to work with instead of her original plan. Mmhm, I like to take my time with the revisions, especially now. There's a lot of ground I want to cover. I know I can't erase all the mistakes, but I've gotten some good ideas on how to improve without compromising the plot. I already put some meat on chapter two and three. Highest priority when I get to the revision is to have a more interesting arrangement of information and events. === Hi Hobbit! Yay, newbies unite! Gotcha, stakes and tension. That's important, so I'll get it done. Yeah, people could spot her and not care. I'll add some bits to make it clear that magic of her caliber is commonplace. That's a good reminder. Need to see better from Riley's eyes. The purpose of the theater scene was to establish more of the world, as well the mom's day job, which will relate to the magic she's going to show off in abundance in the next chapter. I'd like to throw information in the first chapter somewhere, but the theatre itself wasn't vital, and it might not be necessary this early in the story. I might need to gauge how the following chapters are received before I decide on that. This was a big help, Hobbit. Thanks! === Hm, too conventional and uninteresting. Understood. I hope my eventual revision will relieve some of that. Ah, semicolons, my greatest enemy. I hope you don't mind if I use the em dash instead to fix comma splices. I dislike the appearance of semicolons. Hm, starting from the city instead of the townhouse? That seems to fit with the recent suggestions. The activity outside has drawn more interest than inside the home. The urge to have Riley smack against something while jumping increases. Showing more of what Riley's doing instead of what's around her might be the way to go. Google to the rescue. Right, that one place from Lord of the Rings. It's been a while since I saw the original LotR trilogy. I pulled Moria's name out of an old myth about Athena and olive trees. I'll keep it for now, but it's another thing to consider. Ah, I meant only the roof garden, not the entire rest of the building. I'll need to make that clearer. There are workers on the other floors of the hotel, doing their usual jobs. I said that most the patrons and staff were down below to imply that places with low foot traffic like a roof garden were likely to be empty. Another thing I failed to convey. I mentioned how she knew the king was arriving, and then implied it again when he showed up two hours earlier than she expected, so I was trying to use that to justify her having enough advanced warning to come up with a plan. Seems like that fell flat. I'm going to need to make her available planning time more obvious. Ah crap. Yeah, it's a handful of flattened sodium, enough for a narrow blast that's about three or four meters high. I'll put that somewhere. Thanks for taking a look, Neongrey. I'm sorry it wasn't an interesting read. I'll do my best to improve it as I go on.

Ouch, that was a bunch of possibilities I was afraid of. Thanks for letting me know, guys. I need to revise the chapter so that it's clearer. A few of those points are the opposite of what I wanted to show, so that's a major conveyance failure. I'm going to need to dedicate more words toward making some of the points, such as how Reginald doesn't know about Riley's serial thievery. Reginald being an uncaring father is an impression that I want to stray as far as possible from. Now then, the parallels with Vin from Mistborn. Hm. I'm going to need to reread Mistborn later to make sure, but for the moment I'll emphasize the differences more in this chapter, instead of waiting for the plot to take over in the next one. Setting is a simple one. I'll imply how clean the city is, and also mention Riley's thoughts on the fair weather. Definitely thinking I need some more dialogue between Riley and Reginald. They're a happy family, and Riley looks up to her parents. That's an important part of her motivations that I need to ensure. Oh, and whoops. I've had it in my head that Riley is cocky from her past successes, which were against targets with less than a tenth the money and influence of the king. It just now hit me that I didn't translate any of those thoughts to the page. I have to add that. Hrm, this might end up being a pretty thick first chapter. Should be a nice revision experience.

Awesome! Thanks so much for the critique! Hm, I'll see if I can think up a rearrangement that's more interesting and better paced. Let's see... if I expand Riley's exploration of her secret treasury, perhaps I can immediately follow it with her motivations and goals from page four. Show something that basically says, "these are my valuable treasures, but they're not worth enough to prove myself to my family, yet." Maybe I should include a treasure that utilizes Riley's elra affinities, so that I can flaunt the magic she's using before the sodium explosion part. Yeah, then I'd also be able to get the action moving faster during the theft. After that, I'd follow with the dad-daughter dialogue, probably with some expansion to get a better picture of their relationship. I'll see how much more of their personality I can display. Putting Riley's motivations earlier might end up helping with this part. Thinking about Riley's jumping was fun. I'll can definitely make her traversal more vivid. Ah, yes, maybe I should cut the part where the king mentioned Riley's dad and shift the talking points a little. Calling the parent for misbehavior was definitely not my intended impression. I'll try out some different lines. These are good details to consider. I'll definitely keep them in mind when I revise

This is exciting. Thanks for having me, guys! This is the first chapter and introduction to the main character. Most of my focus went into establishing the world, but I hope I didn't go overboard.

My three personal tenets: 1. As a writer, you have a creator's vision in your mind that you're trying to convey through text. 2. As a reader, you experience a beholder's vision based on what you're understanding. 3. The bridge to bring the two visions closer is an honest and comprehensible recital, where the reader describes their beholder's vision to the writer, so that it may be compared with the creator's vision. --- Ideally, to best fulfill the above tenets, the reader should have little to no idea what the creator's vision is. The text alone should convey the vision as close to the source as possible, because that's all that most people will have if the story fell in their hands. The author will not be there to defend or explain their work. The honest and comprehensible recital is the most valuable resource produced from this relationship. It allows the writer to see their impact, and allows readers to influence a narrative so that it becomes more enjoyable for them to experience. Both sides also tend to learn something from the interaction. A distinction to be made here is the divide between readers and editors. The logical job of the editor will require all sorts of suggestions for corrections and improvements, so it's more about polishing the tale. Readers have a more empathic route, where they need to guess the tale's shape through the impression it leaves on them. These two roles will often blend into one another, but they'll face the story with different intentions. --- Honesty and comprehensibility are the two factors I find most important, due to my personal tenets. From a rather emotionless standpoint, my ideal analysis will be a reader's stream of consciousness (maximum honesty) that is structured and formatted well (maximum comprehensibility). We're all different people, and so we'll have different definitions in our head for how a decent person should act. I know there are a lot of statements that change between neutral and offensive based on the person reading it. Intentionally hurtful people, such as trolls, can usually be spotted based on how little actual critique they're delivering. However, a reader's stream of consciousness can be aggressive or otherwise disheartening, based on their personality and experience from the story. How the writer reacts to that analysis will then depend on their own personality. When there isn't enough tact, this combination might result in trauma. A good argument can be made for how this lowers or destroys comprehensibility. To prevent this, I'd understand if general rules to encourage tact were applied, but I wouldn't recommend that. Introducing rules on tact means adding to the workload of the reader, since they'll have to be more careful about what they're saying. In many cases, I'd guess that honesty will be hindered when people change their analysis so it'll be more tactful. Sometimes there will be parts of a story a reader might honestly despise, or have other strong feelings about, and not saying so means taking steps away from the true beholder's vision. It always takes more effort and attention to speak a certain way than to speak your own way. My suggestion is to have review tags for when people want a certain level of consideration from the readers. Just like how there are currently content tags to warn people of content they might not want to read, review tags can be used so that people know what words and tones the writer does not want to receive. After readers finish the story, the writer becomes the new audience, so it makes sense to give them some optional content protections of their own. The responsibility could be passed onto readers, to have them preface their analyses with a rating, but I'd advise against that. It can result in readers wasting time writing reviews that writers will skip because of its rating. If I had to argue against the idea, it'd be that it depends too much on the writer's understanding of self. They might overshoot or lowball their guess at how much they can handle. A writer might do a few unrated submissions and be perfectly fine, but then one intense review might eventually spring out and hurt them more than they can deal with or ignore. On the other end, a writer could ask for too much consideration. They might be capable of withstanding lots of unrelenting critique that would've greatly improved their writing if seen.

I'd also like to submit on the 15th.

First submission I've read, so I'm using fresh eyes on this new prologue. One thing I always look for after reading prologues is how many things I can remember being established. There are seven things I recall in this one: how combat and flight magic work, confirmation on the knowledge of classical mythical beasts (but no confirmation on their existence), military organization in this region, length of the recent peacetime, how certain high level beings are treated, pipe-related technology (or some other way for gaskets to exist), and at least one alternate/parallel dimension. I think that's a decent amount, especially if most of it becomes relevant later in the story. There are half a dozen or so named characters that are physically present during this prologue. Though Atena takes focus as the viewpoint character, I felt a bit thrown off whenever she began interacting with a different person. I'm not familiar enough with any of these characters to keep track of who's in the scene at the moment. I had to flip back to check who someone was at one point, and also to see what certain types of soldiers were able to do. Because "Mark" is capitalized, there were moments were I thought it was someone's name whenever the mark was used for magic. The existence of a character named Marcus was probably a part of why this happened. As far as I can tell, this prologue mainly acted as a way to show various acts of magic and violence. Due to that, I expect there to be a lot of action throughout the rest of the story, or something else that has a similar tone. That's the gist of what I think so far.

Yep, feel free to join! This discord group is currently the one we're using. https://discord.gg/TPdBwJW Depending on how many pieces get submitted for review and discussion, we might split into separate divisions within the Discord server. This way, no one needs to read too much at once, and everyone's work can get a solid amount of attention. The first batch will come together on July 31, 2016.

Let's hope this one sticks, then. Cool, I'll check it out. The curse server link is currently giving me an error, it looks like a server crash or something, but I'll try again later. Speaking of which, turns out my previous discord share link expires after twenty-four hours, but thankfully I've figured out how to generate a permanent one: https://discord.gg/TPdBwJW

Oh yes, Discord is a nice text and audio chatting program. It won't have video calls, but it's easy to organize. I've set up a server, if you guys want to try it out: https://discord.gg/CGMBe

Sounds good. I'm strictly English. All my foreign language experience is in speaking and listening, which I am thankfully able to apply in roundabout way.

I've wanted to try something like this, so consider me interested!