smgorden

That's fair. I'll think about that. Odds are that focus will heightened the experience. Thank you!

Last time on "How Old Trahaearn Lost His Eye", the boy had followed his Papa to the hill (without permission) and met Old Trahaearn. Once inside, the boy had his nettle stings treated, and Trahaearn gave him socks. Made tea and told a fairy story, the significance of which is as yet unknown to the boy. Trahaearn made comments about fairies' view of things. About endings and about the idea of a home, ideas which make sense to humans, but not to fairies. Papa shows up. Where had he been the whole time? Boy expects severe consequences, but Papa listens and sees the boy is growing up. It starts to rain, and they run home. There are two chapters in this submission: TWO APPEARANCES OPEN AND CLOSED Regarding Feedback: You guys are already giving me great notes, so I don't feel the need to steer too hard. Continue noting any odd phrasing. I'd like the reading experience to feel more or less like floating down a river, so keep me informed on anything that interrupts your flow. Other things, tho: Continue to comment on characters and relationships, as relevant. Also, please comment on your immersion level and emotional state. I believe the real story is what's happening in you, not what's on the page. So I will appreciate all the information I can get about that.

Thank you krystalynn03! I appreciate the notes. Seems like the main thing in your read through was that you want a more direct hints or promises about the obscure things being related to the plot. Odds are that the beginning will undergo more revision than anything else in the book. I'll keep your experience in mind during that process.

I'd like to submit this coming week as well.

Shrike76- great notes. I'm mulling over some of them, but I'm pretty sure all of these will result in good edits. Thank you!

Robinski- It figures that the fellow with the grumpy-looking profile image would turn out to be notably generous. Excellent notes, sir. And the praise is welcome, too! Thank you on all accounts. You'll be pleased to know that my manuscript-in-progress is around 2/3 complete, and I continue to toil away upon it during my late night Denny's vigils. I've submitted about eight chapters here so far and have another fifteen completed and waiting the generous attention of this group. Probably less than a dozen more to get it complete. I've been studying up on the agent-getting and sale-making processes, and I have at least one friend going through that process right now. I aim to create something memorable. Hopefully enough to warrant the attention of a fine publisher. In the mean time.... the notes! Regarding the Capitalization of Words to Make them Seem particularly Relevant- That was an experiment which hasn't been repeated. I don't think its works or helps anything at this point. Easily removed. It is a funny phenomenon, though. I think Sanderson was the first author I read that made regular use of such terms. And with his complex magic systems, it helps to clarify terms. Basically a hint system for the reader to draw associations between important things that go together. But the more I see it in other works, the more it seems an empty signifier. Funny ol' world, ain't it? “eight hundred and sixty-three” I'll chalk that up to lack of experience writing numeral value names on my part. The hyphen looks so good, though. You can be assured I will make a habit of this in the future. Is Woefun a fairy? Yes, of an older sort. It's probably not mentioned, but the plot doesn't hinge on it. Regarding Midwestern-ness: Yes. You're picking up on the point at which I realized I could only write a believable regional influence in the dialog if it was my own. I'm from Illinois, land of corn and soy. There is also that, as you supposed, the boy just didn't talk as much before. But I might have to revise the earlier stuff anyway, to make sure my authorial decisions aren't showing through the fabric of the narrative overmuch. “that had been whittled with a small knife” I might need to cut that object entirely. I've forgotten whatever I had in mind for it, and there a number of other specific things I could put in its place now, which could serve the story. It's on the chopping block now. All good stuff. Can't wait to submit again

Robinski- Accidentally submitted this somehow... deleted these notes and put the full response below.

Thanks for the suggestions, king007!

Fantastic opener! You've got the stage set. Best of this is the implication that Alfred has already completed this dangerous quest, suffered pains because of it, but come away with a prize. Starting right after the completion of a great quest, to me, is awesome. Carry on!

Mandamon- Thanks for the notes on blocking, both with Trahaearn and the boy, and with Woefun and the greyhare. I'll have to take a look and clarify my intent in those places. I don't remember the exact steps for Woefun, but as for Trahaearn, he's meant to be holding the boy by his shirt, suspended above the floor, leaning over him at that point. When Trahaearn steps away, he lets go and drops the boy, who then hits his head on the floor. I'll probably have to split up the sentences there to make sure nobody misses it. I'm glad the boy-and-father section is working well. As it happens, that last chapter was split. It had a couple thousand more words in it, but I split it to fit within the suggested word limit. Tried out a couple spots for the break, but I think I'm good with where I put it. The relationship shift is kind of a natural beat, anyway. Thanks for the feedback!

Robinski- sincerely, thank you- I shall carry on! An anecdote about me and stories: Other writing experience (poetry and lyrics, yes. Also some script writing for short films) has no doubt played a part in preparing me. But I think the 'natural' part of things comes from reading aloud. From about 10 years ago, when my wife (then girlfiend) got sick with a cold, I started reading folk tales to her while she rested in bed. I read from a little book of fairy tales we had picked up in a thrift shop. The first story was Anderson's The Snow Queen, I think. The misadventure of Gerda and Kai were so much fun that we've continued it all this time, mostly works of fantasy, from George MacDonald to Tolkien on up to Sanderson (almost done reading Hero of Ages to her). There is something about reading all that material which intimately acquaints the brain with the sound of elegant text. Moreover, folk tales all begin in the oral tradition. Combine that with experience in musical performance and it begins to add up to something. I think these things have programmed my brain for a certain kind of output, and it's a real pleasure to finally see what that look like in prose. I'm having a lot of fun here.

There are few hints given in the next chapters. But at the moment the first golem activity happens, it's unclear about the golems being controlled by oil. It's clear by the way he talks that oil is very important. But I generally think of oil being a hidden resource where drilling is involved to access it. If I follow this line of thinking. I'll wind up questioning a lot of things about the process. Be sure you're clear about the kinds of magic this guy can do, so we buy into it early, and go on the intended ride rather getting stuck on details. Because the ride is cool!

Chapter 56 "holding the unrolled Scroll of Solomon at his pelvis". Can he he read it when he's holding the scroll down there? "Stephanie had to make sure she was averting her eyes away from the Solomon" averting and away are redundant. Consider "Stephanie has to make sure she averted her eyes from the Solomon"... "She quietly moved to the back of the group. This was one question I didn’t need to answer directly." What does that mean? Did she need to answer it indirectly? Unclear. "Don’t worry about it. I believe this is why we part ways, Mr. Rewer," Did you mean "this is where we part ways" ? Comprehension note: I like how this chapter with the red-robes unfolds. The back-and-forth of control over the situation. However, I'm confused about the revelation of oil as the dead, and how that relates to Rewer's power. I wonder if this has been explained before, or if Rewer being able to twist his wrist off "as if was popping the cap off an invisible jar" and then make large hands out of grass and dirt is somehow related to oil. Is there a connection? If there is no connection, I'm confused as to why the oil comment is relevant. Chapter 57 "It was as if the earth itself fashioned itself a body made of dirt and clumps of grass and started walking down the street." When you write "the earth itself", I imagine the whole entire planet. But that doesn't sound like what you want. Also, "dirt and clumps of grass" is sod, if you'd like a simplification there. Consider "It was as if the ground had fashioned itself a body of sod and started walking down the street." "Doesn's look like anyone's home." "They must have already started" "Doesn't look like they got very far." "They were apparently interrupted" "Apparently Rewer's command extends to fossil fuels." Clunky dialog. All the "doesn't look like" and "apparently" creates a weird rhythm. You might try speaking through this section to find a more natural flow. "I guess he didn’t take getting laid off that well." Contains the phrase "getting laid" (which makes parsing the text difficult, because that's the phrase you're intending to communicate) It's awkward. Consider simplifying phrasing. "I guess he's pissed off." or something direct like that. How does a flare gun consume everyone in a field? Is it a magic flare gun? Something previously established? Chapter 58 "She’d ever pass out for exhaustion or go out swinging when she was cornered. At least I’ll go out swinging, like a Van Helsing." This looks like typos. Repetition of 'go out swinging'. I can't parse the first sentence here. Consider rephrasing. Another instance of "She was ready to go out swinging - ". Consider removing duplicates. "It crashed the ground, the impact making it unmistakable from the earth which had spawned it." Do you mean "making it indistinguishable from the earth"? Remarks on the story itself: Golems for the win. Raising the stakes and watching everybody deal with that is great. Alas, poor Renfield! The controversy over working with enemies against a common foe- good stuff there. Oh man- those flame-retardant robes! Whew! But alas, Poor Renfield (again). Your chapter endings are engaging. The pace has picked up, and it seems like you know right where the story is going. And now I'm eager to see to the conclusion. Well done! Can't wait.

Origon almost laughed. Be careful with 'almost' as a stand-alone descriptor. Does this mean he laughed a little bit? Did he decide not to laugh? Did he react in some other way? 'almost' only says what didn't happen. "Origon watched the ball expanding slowly but surely. He had never seen anything like it. It was not affected by Ksupara's pull as were the other objects in the capsule." I'm confused by "not affected... as were the other objects". Does this mean other objects are OR aren't affect by Ksupara's pull? If the latter, consider "It was not affect by Ksupara's pull as the other objects were." "Holy Vish!" I like this exclamation. Just sounds fun to say. "It was as if the sphere was planted in the air, grown from a child's rubber ball and inflated like a balloon." Consider "grown from the size of...". The phrase "from a child's rubber ball", by itself, could create all sorts of erroneous visualizations that distract, such as a literal floating rubber-ball with a sphere growing out of it like a house plant (reinforced by previous use the word 'planted'). Any number of ways to clear that up for visual readers. Walls that are now floor and floors that are now walls. Phrasing is strange around this. It might be enough to describe the scene where the craft has been reoriented once, in detail. It doesn't help me visualize the text when I read phrases like "He felt his shoulder slide along the steel former floor". Consider "slide along steel". or "along a steel panel" or some specific that doesn't keep referring to what it used to be in its previous orientation. 'Former floor' is clunky. The Cool stuff: This dangerous ball of draining... that's a neat situation. It raises questions about what a majus is able to do, and why (aside from general fatigue) the usual song powers aren't functioning as expected. Intriguing stuff!

First time writing prose, yes. I've done other kinds of writing before but never a novel. However, this winter I found a neat place (which I like to call 3am at Denny's) wherein I stop thinking and can pour out prose without hesitation. I am finding it quite enjoyable.

Last time on How Old Trahaearn Lost His Eye (part 01): Our protagonist, a young farmer boy, follows his father on an errand (secretly, without permission) away from home to meet Old Trahaearn who lives on a hill. The boy is determined to satisfy his curiosity about Trahaearn, to ask about his one eye and what happened to the other one. The boy arrived at the hill and was stung by nettle after he hopped over Trahaearn's fence. Having continued up the hill, the boy overheard a story being told and was caught listening at the window (by Trahaearn himself, who called the boy 'trespasser'!) Chapters in part 02: Bound Woefun and the Gnome The Feels of Endings Feedback I'm most interested in for part 02: How do you feel about the established characters (and their relationships) at this point? Do you have suspicions about things the boy doesn't know yet? What's the most memorable bit, for you, in this section?

First time writer confessions: Probably, when I written the rest of the story, I'll have a better idea of what I was trying to achieve and can make useful revisions

Thank you Shrike76. Good notes. A few of yours are shedding some light on issues raised by the other readers, above. I'm curious about the issue of music and why describing a community that only has one musician so difficult. I'm with you guys on it. It makes sense. The curious part is discovering the limits of authorial power. It must be that the farther away from norms you get, the more requirement there is to comment on that deviation and acknowledge the dissonance that readers may feel when reading it. Anyway... I will have to address the music issues, one way or another. Thank you again for the great feedback!

Sorry I didn't check in earlier. Much as I love it, being a night-owl has its disadvantages. It's Tuesday morning already, but I'm happy to send along a second installment of my book if the slot needs filled. Next week is fine, too.

Thank you rdpulfer and Robinksi for the feedback! There are a lot of little things working oddly in the beginning of this story, and much of this probably has to do with it being a the beginning, where I'm still feeling out what sort of tale is going to be happening. I hear that beginnings go this way sometimes, among new writers. I'll continue to to revise, cleaning up the strange wording. Thanks for pointing out those sticky spots I'm glad everyone seems to be curious about Trahaearn and the boy. I'm hoping that'll give me some leniency on the lack of explanation. The boy doesn't understand much about the adults in his life yet, nor that he's in a story. I try to push him around and make him consider questions that I think come up as I read back through, but sometimes he says to me "I don't know that, don't make me talk about things I don't know." But rest assured, he'll try to connect the dots as he goes along He is a curious and determined boy, after all. Robinski- I'm glad you got some smiles from the Swan's dialog. That was a fun bit to write. CSI: That is a very good point. I'll come up with something else for that. It is a very small community. I could probably make that point in a much simpler way. "No way you can hear fiddle music at that sort of distance unless it is amplified, magically...." rdpulfer- I'm not thinking in terms of a framing story, per se. It all goes together. Not really intending cliffhangers, either. Just not in a hurry to explain a thing the moment it happens. The boy's experience at the beginning is observation in passing, soaking stuff in without thinking, and then barreling toward the things he wants. (This is what my kids (ages 4 & 7) both do). I hope that's not an unbearable reading experience. Let me know where you are on the continuum between confused and curious. I count those as related concepts. Aiming for curious.

Chapter 50 ==== "The hairs on Renfield’s neck remained flat." awkward way of saying that nothing is happening. Picturing the back of his neck with flat hairs is sort of a creepy visual, unless we need that information (or if it's a running gag of some kind?). Your next sentence explains the idea better. "Optimistic much? Renfield concluded." Can a question be a conclusion? Or is his conclusion referring the previous paragraph? Scene and Tone: The railroad line itself- your descriptions of Renfield's doubt as he moves through it- that's working quite well for me. I haven't read the previous chapters, but you've got the tone down, I think. "Black Kevlar over khakis and dark baklavas", I think you mean balaclava- the clothing item, not the Turkish dessert. Yes? "The pallid figure didn’t budge as the goon laid into Renfield with a fury of backhands." This looks like a typo. Renfield is watching from outside. Did you mean that the goons are beating Bannister? "Num-nuts", "Asshat", etc. These terms are making me laugh in the context of the creepy railyard. The action and banter are taking on a comedic tone. If that's intended, awesome. "“I hardly think now is the time for a theological debate on fate versus free will, Robert.” Evelyn said." Don't understand this statement. Was there a debate? The Judas comment seemed like sarcasm. Does it refer to some previous ongoing argument these characters have? Chapter 51 ==== “Will you get some balls, man?” Texas said. “Geez, if it helps, you can have a feel when I’m done.” /// “It’s not the feel. It’s the smell,” East Coast said. “The guy smells like a freakin’ mortician.” One guy is talking about Stephanie, the other guy is not? Conversation doesn't flow very well here. “I mean, we can’t always have golden parachute.” “Yeah, well, I’d rather my own golden parachute not turn into a lead balloon..." Same issue as above. Doesn't quite make sense to me. Why are they talking about golden parachutes? As a colloquial sort of metaphor, it doesn't seem to fit very well here. Unless... did they have a golden parachute in a previous chapter? If it's a literal statement, that would be funny. Not sure what you're going for, though. "Then it was Stephanie’s turn to stop breathing." Did she die? Gasping for breath? Is this meant to be a cliffhanger ending? Unclear. Chapter 52 ==== "He relinquished his grip on Stephanie’s cheeks. She spit all over her hoodie as soon as he did, before giving him a defiant glare." Why does she spit on herself? Typo? Thoughts ==== Seems like I've come in late to this story, but it's got momentum. Assuming the text gets a good revision for clarity, you've got a good ride here. Looking forward to the next part!

Thanks Mandamon! I'm glad to have these notes. I think the language evens out as the story progresses, and it's been a while since I've looked at the beginning, other than for continuity checking. Fixing this stuff should help with consistency in the prose. As for the mystery around the story, that's intentional. There are things I hope will be worth the wait as things progress. The POV character is curious, but he's got his limitations (including the first person perspective). The experiment with this book is to withhold detail on things the boy doesn't personally witness or understand. Thanks for the encouragement as well. I'm pretty excited about the comparison to Henson's Storyteller. Great feedback! I'm looking forward to posting the next section of the book here. These are exactly the kind of notes I need to get this thing ship-shape. Update: I've re-written some sentences and paragraphs related to the feedback above, and I already like my opening chapter better. Cut out some needlessly esoteric (WEIRD) text from my first drafts in favor of clear description. Whenever I get to submit Part 02, I'll be sure to include a link to an update part 01, for the curious.

Chapater 5 ==== I vote to keep it. But put meat on the bones. Everywhere you use an adverb ("athletically" is one that stood out to me) is a place for expansion. Consider removing adverbs and turning them into description of specific action. Show the things define athleticism, etc. (Can't claim credit for this idea... I heard it on Writing Excuses ) "They were experts in their chosen field who lent their expertise and experience to the Council." Slightly awkward repetition of sounds: experts, expertise, experience. Possibly redundant. Consider using alternate synonyms. "With a click of his fingers and a flash of burning pain, he moulded a single White Face from the tree shadows." This is an awesome statement. It would be wonderful to get more detail on how this happens. If the power/magic used to do this isn't meant to be explained, consider just the details of what it looks like when this happens. Great opportunity for immersion. "Hellas raised his hands and felt the familiar burn of Eclipse energy flowing through his Mark." Is the mark explained in the previous chapters? I'd like to know what that is. Most of the capitalized language can be understood in context, even if I don't understand it. Eclipse energy I can assume is a mystical force, so that's cool. But his Mark is too specific to get without a comment about where or what it is. Even if it's been mentioned before, might be good to reiterate. "He walked up to where the White Face had stood, frowning confusedly". 'Confusedly' is an awkward adverb. Consider 'frowning and confused' for simplicity. If you don't want to say outright that he is confused, consider another way of describing how and why he looks confused. "As if to mark this change, the clone’s hooded robe started to smoulder, like it was made of black fire." Very cool visual signal. I like it. Chapter 6 ==== "Hellas was about to start the exercise when..." no impact here. Soldiers are in a classroom environment, but that is canceled in favor of practical training. But enemy shows up and training is canceled. Frustrating turn, since nothing has happened yet. I'd like to see something engaging, get a little confidence going and see how these people fight before the enemy drops in to spoil things. Consider writing some of the training, and showing the level of competence the soldiers have. Opportunity to provide context to these characters and their abilities. "Hellas closed his eyes, feeling the familiar rush of energy through the Mark on his back." Aha! So that's where the Mark is Consider mentioning this once in the previous chapter (probably the first time it comes up) . "all of their pent up aggression did little to push the disciplined White Faces back." Disciplined? I thought it was established that these were puppets. Would it be more accurate to comment on their lack of emotion? Their relative calm, compared to the bad guys? OR you could skip that comment, because the next paragraph describes the tone of the White Face soliders and their methods quite well. Hellas in battle: Vivid climax, great to see what he can do. Would be even better if we saw and understood the power level of the weaker characters.

I wrote my notes as I read, putting down my thoughts as they occurred. This ended up being a bit long-winded, but bear with me (I'll try to be more concise in the future). ==== Wrestling for information? I'd like to see that scene play out. "On the second day, Connor met a man who lied about his work, well, but not well enough. He was engaged and charged not to speak of it, and that was news. Gerri saw men complaining that the crewmen of a certain ship, he could not catch the name, were hounding after their debts, as sailors do when they will soon be sailing. " What about the lying man? Do we get to know what happened? What part of that was news? What does "hounding after their debts" mean? Does it mean they are settling their debts? Or does it means that the complaining men were chasing around indebted sailers, try to get them to pay their debts before shipping off? "Still, they slept more contented with Donn’s plan than they had before." Why were they content now? What has changed? I didn't understand the shift. The Grey King of Anwn: I like this name. Since I haven't read the previous chapters, I don't know who he is or whether 'another cast of the bones against' him is good or bad for our protagonist(s), but I like the sound of it. I mention this because it piques my curiosity. Being curious is my favorite state of being when reading. I'd like to know more about the grey king, whether a person or mythological force in this setting, and how people think about him in either case. So I hope that shows up again at some point. The blade-juggling is great. Word choice, during Gwydion's musical spell: "Connor ran over a counter-tune in his head". The word "ran" is active and it appeared to me, at first glance, that he is able to run when everyone else is frozen. A small issue, but I had to re-read the sentence to understand that he was thinking and not running. It might be because the tension with Gwydion's spell was working so well for me, that my reader-mind wants somebody to break free. Love the setup with Deaf Gerri in wait, as Gwydion and his four blades enter the hall. "His voice was like dark, mellow honey, rich and warm and sweet." Love this, and would love it even more if you removed the word 'like, making it straight metaphor instead of analogy. It's good, strong wording and the sentence could stand up as metaphor, I think. Regarding torture: I'm struggling with the idea that the singer would endure any torture at all. It is written that he is not experienced in enduring pain. Therefore, he's not a warrior of any kind, and there is the implication there that he is weak-willed, in general. If that is so, even if he doesn't WANT to explain where Gwydion has gone, it seems he would be pleading his case and begging for leniency, looking for a way out of the situation, before anyone even touched him, and certainly after the first blows/cuts. That's all assuming he'd even remain awake after a severe ax injury to his leg. What's keeping him conscious? Alternately... if it's magic to blame for his inability to speak, I would totally believe it- given the severity of the spells used earlier in the scene. We might also have more pity for the guy in that situation, rather than mere revulsion at the torture itself, which could be good, depending on what you want the reader to feel in this scene. Reading further, you state that there is not any magical compulsion on him. So the question that remains is... why would he be afraid of dying at Gwydion's hands more than dying at the hands of his torturer? Seems like a mere singer would find both of those situations pretty terrible. Is there some other motivator at play here? At is stands, the torture seems to be more about characterization of the torturer, and nothing to do with the singer at all. And the characterization is good. Descriptions are solid, but so far it leaves the singer looking like a pawn of the narrative (he'll only break when the plot lets him) rather than a person with his own motivations and fears. "He had hoped the singer would be closer in Gwydion’s confidence, but no, Gwydion did not have friends, only servants and enemies." Love that line. "He had brought out a bodhran drum, and now he beat a racing rhythm that sent them running through the streets, faster than fire in the thatch." Awesome. Reflections: This part of the story really begins at the hall where we have the encounter with Gwydion. The bits where the men are going around town investigating is interesting, but underdeveloped. Seems a bit of a montage, which is probably good. Doesn't need to be any longer, but it might be more interesting if you gave the specific highlights of the encounters in a few sentences rather than descriptions of what everone found, run together. Whatever you decide to do with that section, I would like to be a bit more engaged in the "planning" section at the start. You say "Donn repeated plans he had laid out at last night’s fire", which makes it sound like they should have already addressed all their concerns, and any review would just be putting the plan into action. Is there a reason you didn't want to write the 'last night' scene and cut to the plan in action the next day? This could be revised in just about any direction, since it's mostly exposition. You could use the scene to deny the reader information your characters have already worked out (to build suspense), or you could get us pumped up about setting a plan in motion (make us feel confidence, so that's more crushing when Gwydion shows up and wreck us- which is already pretty awesome). Or you could cut it entirely. Nothing really happens hered, so if you don't have a specific goal for tone setting, it might not be needed. Conclusion: Your action and magic are working really well for me, and the chapter ends with some well crafted prose that left me excited for the next part. Good stuff!

Thanks, Eisenheim! I'll definitely have take a look at these points. For the first one, it seems I've made some assumptions about tone carrying enough weight to set that up, but clearly I need something specific in there. I've already got an idea how to address that. Regarding the swam, according to you description, I've messed up on communicating the potions man's perception there, too. Rest assured, I will straighten it out! I'm doing just one critique at a sitting, trying to be thorough, but I'm very much looking forward to reading you submission now- stay tuned!