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-“Of course,” I said. I mean Drizzk said I agree with fox about this being jarring. You should try to introduce her name in the dialogue before the prose. And I don't think you need the second reference to Drizzk and her womanly body. After reading the whole chapter it makes sense why the narrator said it the way he did, but I had to go back and re-read the first page to make sense of it. Al said he was going to hide the evidence of using the computer, than tells Sam he is using the computer. I'm not sure if that is because Al is distracted by the game, messing with Sam, or what. I got a little bored reading the physical descriptions of each person as well as Sam's thesis. I have a hard time believing the others were given free trips to Europe to help Sam. The MMO scene made them seem like regular college kids, but then they are given super special treatment by their school. Overall I think you did a good job introducing Sam and Al. I believe Al is a sarcastic jokster who doesn't flaunt his intelligence, and Sam is a archaeologist nerd who loves folklore. The idea of finding the origins of folklore in real life sounds cool to me.

I don't get why Kang is tempted to melt himself into the ice. He says, "I'm not a phoenix" as the reason he won't burrow into the ice, but I don't know of any lore about phoenixs burrowing into ice. I am not sure if I don't get the idea because I haven't read some of the earlier chapters, if it is something that you will explain later, or if I'm just ignorant of some phoenix lore. I agree with Shrike about the prisoners keeping their weapons. Even a blunt, weak weapon can be smashed into someone's head and hurt them. The thorough descriptions of the satyr and later the bear-Netuut drew me out of the action. The escape attempt did not go as I think it would have, but it was enjoyable to read nonetheless. Given the chance, I would have started reading the next chapter right away to find out what they are going to do with (or to) Kang. pg1: -causes the sail acting as my roof to snaps and ripples I think it should be snap and ripple. -I inspect the dams each one formed from Need a comma after dams. -With the reduce level Should be 'reduced' - pull my boots, pants and poncho over Need a comma after pants pg4: -I rebuild the build the dams across each of the rivers of Essence. need to remove some words here.. pg5: -five sleight form a corral I think you meant sleigh. pg7: -until the light form the cave I think you meant 'from the cave' pg10: -Variik says as he runs past me to engaging the satyr. Should be "runs past me to engage the satyr." pg11: . If we go quite we should be able to take them.” quiet I think if Kang's group heard someone screaming from inside the cave, those people causing the screaming would have heard the battle with the bear-netuut inside the cave.

pg1: -I mean why should I have to escort these two idiots around town. I think you need a ? at the end of this sentence. - They were cowards the lot of them, I think you should add a coma after cowards. By anti-depressants do you mean SSRI's or something like Benzo's or quaaludes? I'm not sure if the character is young so he thinks SSRI's will be fun (like a kid drinking margarita mix to get drunk), or if he is actually taking drugs that can be 'fun'. pg4: -End of. I think you forgot a word. Like others have said already, nothing much happened, but it was still entertaining throughout for me. It developed the main character well and defined his relationship with the rest of his family. A great set up for a character driven story.

Chapter 2: “and wore mauve smoking jacket” 'wore a smoking jacket' Chapter 3: -“Thomas was due shortly and it would not do to have an empty table.” The double use of do (even though it is different versions of do) sounds awkward to me. -the basket and began unloading her cargo on the kitchen table.’ Extra apostrophe at the end of that sentence. -"she looked that wide eyed" I think you forgot a word. - ‘He’s agreed to fund the Kovorus. Forgot an apostrophe on the end of this sentence. Pg5: -‘Today I saw man turn gate stone into vapour. I think you forgot the word 'a'. Also, I am not sure if gate stone is a place/specific object, or if he turned a gate made out of stone into vapor. Pg6: -"Something in his tone made Thomas stop pacing and looked into his eyes." I think it should be, 'and look into his eyes.' I had a little bit of trouble keeping track of who was speaking when Thomas and Ambrose were talking. -'He grabbed him by the shoulders and brought his face close to his' Need to choose one person to use him/his. If you use a pronoun for both Thomas and Ambrose in the same sentence, it can be very hard to figure out who is doing what. Pg7: -‘Call off the shipment.’ I think it sounds better as, “To call off the shipment.” The cooking and eating with Ele worked well to introduce the character for me. Nothing really happened with her, but I didn't feel like it was wasted time. I am assuming she is going to be a character we see a lot more of in later chapters. Pg9: -“coming to a stop in the relatively calm of a urine scented alleyway. “ This sounds awkward to me. Maybe try, “coming to a stop in a relatively calm, urine-scented alleyway.” pg11: -“human interacting,” should be 'human interaction.' “ Not that felt inclined to celebrate” You forgot the word 'he' I believe. Pg14: -“From somewhere up ahead a droplet fell” I think it sounds better with the 'From' pg15: -'She looked the same age as him, but for her dark blue eyes' It seems awkward that you compare age then appearance in the same sentence. -“The ageless girl held him in her arms” I think you meant he doesn't know what her age is, but he just said he thinks she is his age. Did you mean 'ageless' as 'immortal' here? Pg16: I'm guessing The black stone is the tunnel Ambrose was in, but I don't think I am supposed to know for sure yet where he was. I think capitalizing 'Black Stone' and 'Grey Stone' might make things clearer for me. They seem to be specific places, not just colored stones or common house-gates. Or I am super confused as to what they are. Ambrose's experiment with the vials of liquid seemed very haphazard. I didn't get the sense that Ambrose was reckless, just that he was a loner. That may be because I have only read one and a half chapters though. After reading I want to know more about the capabilities of the girl, Ambrose, and the liquid.

Asmodemon: My intention was to introduce the idea of Katinov by showing Pelegra a few times. If I made it clearer and earlier on that Katinov created Pelegra would that work? Or would you suggest introducing Katinov himself earlier? Shrike: I am not really sure what the best thing to do is regarding revising,rewriting, or starting on something else. I am somewhat embarrassed to admit it, but the chapters I am submitting are from my 4th draft. I don't want to give up on a story just because it needs a lot of work, but I also don't want to spend more time polishing a turd, so to speak. One of the biggest problems I think is Theavis. He isn't interesting or likeable, and is very much a McGuffin. I'm not really sure how to fix any of that while also cutting/fixing all the info dumps. After 3-4 more chapters Theavis has a scene with McTuggard where I try to make him more likeable, but it seems that scene happens way too late, and I think it would seem out of place if shoved in earlier. After this chapter I start to develop all of the characters more, but again I think it's too late. Robinski: The bridge appeared on the eyni sea minutes before everybody found out about it. I will have to make that clearer. I cut out a chapter that tells the theogany of the world and how magic works because it was basically one huge info dump. I need to find a way to sprinkle all that info over a lot of chapters without making things boring. Everyone: As far as the action and enemies go, I want the characters to be as confused as the reader about what the motivations behind each odd attack are. But I think the way I did it just makes things seem random rather than confusing. Would it solve the problem if I added in a line of dialogue where someone says something like, "these attacks doesn't make sense, where are they coming from"? Or is it more about the set-up? Regarding McTuggard's accent, I think the story is a YA story, and I think YA likes (or tolerates) accents more. I may be wrong about that though. My grammar skills are horrendous. I know the apostrophe rule, but I still mess it up all the time. I'll keep trying to fix the grammar before I submit. Thank you for pointing out the mistakes. Any advice you have about any of the problems of the story are welcome. Starting a new story that isn't so massive in scale might be the way to go though.

I don't think you were harsh at all. All of your points are very helpful. I think the world I created could be interesting, but the story I'm telling in it is boring. Most of the rest of the chapters follow the same dull pattern of fight - info dump- fight- info dump. I think I may try writing in a new genre for a bit.

No problem. Sorry I didn't think of that in the first place. I don't think there is a way to change the title of this post (let me know if there is) but I will make sure to include the chapter numbers from now on.

I worked on upping the pacing, but I'm not sure if I cut out enough to make it more enjoyable yet. I cut back hard on McTuggard's accent to make it less intrusive, but I kept it in part. Was this chapter engaging? If you've read the other 4 chapters, is this one more enjoyable? Was McTuggard's accent still obtrusive to the point of annoyance for most people? And any other thoughts you have about the chapter in general would be great. Thanks everyone.

I'd like to submit tomorrow as well if possible.

I enjoyed the story. The image of Sia coming in through the window was great. I don't understand how Esther knew that the Sia would avenge Abromir's murder. She knew Sia was getting vengeance on certain nights, but how did she know Sia would choose to avenge Abromir specifically. Is it because there are not many murders in that country? Sia offers Esther a respite if she can prove she didn't poison Abromir. When Esther's mom says someone poisoned her patient Sia ignores Esther's mom. Is it because Sia changed how she went about things since she killed Esther's mother? I thought the section where Esther and Sia are in the market is less interesting than the rest of the story, but my desire to find out why Esther killed Abromir kept me reading. Overall I really enjoyed the story. The imagery was great throughout.

The final line of the first paragraph grabs my interest. The idea of correcting weather sounds interesting. I would have read the entire story if I found it online. This sentence confused me. “The sun was not so high in those harmful rays of my birth planet...” I think this sentence is superfluous. “I would soon track down the miscalculation in my department.” I think you established his intentions earlier in the same paragraph and in the last sentence of the first paragraph. I agree with Shrike about the biomass. I want to know more about it and the problems it causes.

I like the end of chapter 8. It is a good cliffhanger . Pg1: It's "Led Zeppelin" pg5: I don't understand why the Master doesn't find people to eat/convert himself. Maybe I missed something in previous chapters. Is the Master just forcing someone else to do his work because he can? pg6: "Someone tore Jack’s apartment." I think you meant Someone "tore up" or "tore apart" pg8: "Stephanie froze as still as a statute. She had visions – she told this much to Irving and Stephanie" I think you meant she told "Irvine and Jason." pg9: "This isn’t my mother. This isn’t who I am. This is me." That group of thoughts confused me. pg12: " All she could think about was getting option,..." This sentence confused me. pg14: "This place is too exposed, too open to be the safe house." On page 13 you say that she knows where all the safe-houses are because she is a Van Helsing. I think that if she knew where every safe-house was, she would know the ins and outs of those places as well. I like the tidbits of information in chapter 7, but I think the chapter is lacking a compelling conflict. Stephanie crying was out of character, but I got the impression that was the idea. She is trying to turn away suspicions about her behavior, and crying might convince Irving she is truly hysterical. I think Jason might see through it, but you can put in a line about Jason commenting about how out of character she is acting once Irving leaves the room.

The character's internal monologue gave me the impression he is not alone in his own head. I think Shrike is right about a lack of urgency for the character. Someone trying to rescue a loved one might try to outrun a snowstorm rather than hunker down in an iceboat.

Thanks everybody . It seems like I wrote more of an info-dump filled travelogue than a story so far. I'll have to remove some chapters or add in more conflict, at least. This is all very helpful.

I like how you set up Westerna Corp. I could picture the operation easily. I like the idea of twisting a lot of other stories and fitting them into a new story. Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, Van Helsing, Dracula, (even Poltregeist, and Frozen to an extent) all added to the refitting motif in my opinion. You have to be careful not to be cliche, but I don't think this chapter is cliche. I agree with Asmodemon and Shrike76 about the pregnancy idea. I think if set up properly it could work, but the generic "the world (or her family) says she should have kids, so she should have kids," isn't very interesting. It was hard for me to discern what Stephanie was thinking and what was prose. Italics or apostrophes would help. pg1: I think you forgot the words 'thought to' I think you can get rid of one of these. pg2: I don't understand why people don't bring in flowers like Stephanie did. Is there a reason it has to be garlic? The fact that garlic hurting vampires is a myth is interesting, but I think it feels forced in here. pg3: This sentence confused me. I think you forgot the word 'it' at the end, or I am confused by this sentence. Pg4: You put in a colon by accident. Her search for the cigarettes makes her seem unorganized, but prepared. I haven't read the previous chapters of your story, so I am not sure what Stephanie is like. pg5: This sentence felt clunky. Given her preparedness, I feel like she would know what a call sounds like right away. pg6: I think after Uncle Sean there should be a comma, not a period. What is Seans nickname for Stephen? pg7: I think 'not' should be 'now'. pg8: I think you meant put. Sean says they are waiting for Jack, then you say Sean enters the room and closes the blinds. I thought he was already sitting at a conference table with Stephanie, Andy, and Jason. pg9: I think you need a comma instead of a period after 'was'. Needs a comma. I liked the chair squeaking like a mouse. It made me think of Andy as a greedy rat. pg10: I think you meant 'coming into the fold.' pg11: Instead of the ellipse, I think you should use a dash. To me,a dash indicates interruption, ellipses indicate that a person trailed off or paused. pg 12: Andy didn't interrupt her though. This confused me. Are Hyde and Dr. Jekyll two different people? And I don't think Sean implied that Stephanie would be fired. pg13: You said on page 11 that Quaris would be in charge of logistics, but here you say that Westerna is doing the logistics. I think you meant get another chance. I don't know if her use of fingers was set up in earlier chapters, but the "right now" seems out of place. You added an extra ", and you need a comma after demoted. Needs a comma.“That’s a fact.” pg 18: I think you meant "But did she..." pg19: I think you accidentally included the word no. Or you forgot a 't' on not. pg 20: I was confused about where Stephanie was after the darkness engulfed here. At first I thought she was still in Seward's apartment, but the lightning in the distance made me think she was outside. The end of the chapter was catchy. I would definitely read the next chapter. The story feels like a mystical, monster filled murder-mystery story. I feel like the story is heading in the direction of a major conspiracy story involving monsters, Quaris, and Westerna. Stephanie's family seems like the central characters. I am curious about who attacked Jason and Stephanie. I am also curious about the symbol that caused her to be engulfed in darkness.

What bored or annoyed you? Do you know what the word 'jokee' means? Thanks in advance .

This is all really helpful. A lot of these things I feel silly for missing, but my brain couldn't see the mistakes. Thank you all! rdpulfer: I think you are right about the 28 dots. The general concencious is that it doesn't work. This is stupid, but I forgot to ensure things were introduced in the dialogue before the prose. I will keep an eye out for that when editing the rest of the story. Thanks! Kammererite& shrike76: I am considering putting in a short, futile escape attempt by Theavis. Or putting in a part where McTuggard shows Theavis a map of the world. The escape attempt seems more interesting, I just need to add more about him feeling like he might be in prison (something Robinski noted). Robinski: Would changing the word 'fog' work, or do you think it would be better with less mentions of the fog altogether? A big part of my story I am worried about is that Theavis is too much of a Mcguffin. But I might have to ask readers to forgive that plot device (which may turn off too many people.) Can you elaborate on what you mean by polished? Do you mean checking for grammar, or things like the over-descriptions? Everyone: Some of these questions I could answer by giving spoilers, but I don't really know the etiquette surrounding spoilers about our own stories. I would like to continue submitting the story, so the idea of spoiling it seems wrong. Thanks again everyone. All of this great advice is making it easier to edit the rest of the story.

I would like to submit this week if possible. I don't mind waiting if more than 5 people want to submit.

1: Promise: Detailed sci-fi story regarding the interactions between the aliens and the lifeform or its creators. The details are specific, so it makes me think the entire story will be detailed. I think the story might turn into a mystery. I think it would also make sense if this started a story about a war or a colonization effort. I think it is a satellite/spaceship. I came to that conclusion at the line, “Much thought and many rotations were devoted...” I don't really know why I came to that conclusion at that line. I think you did a good job hinting without outright saying what is orbiting the characters. 2: Promise: Character driven story about a planned invasion or planned colonization. I think it would make sense if this started a horror story, or a war story. 3: Promise: Character driven story about improvised colonization. This had the same feel as 2, but written from the perspective of someone waking up rather than someone who has been 'awake' their whole life. I think this one works better than 2, because it seems the story is going to be one of a massive scale – an entire planet, and possibly the entire galaxy- and a leader's POV is more relevant to the big picture. I agree with Shrike76 about the prologue. The first one gets me way more interested in the story than the others. This may be my own prejudice though, as I do not like prologue's with specific characters we aren't going to see again. 4: I think the gee whiz moment is when Phyllis makes the hand signal. I got the impression that the 'rider' infects both Agetha and Phyllis at this point. When you said, “Agetha tried to change direction, but the rider was insisting she go into the gamma radian of the city.” I got the idea that the story might be about Agetha being forced to commit some sort of crime.

All of that is very useful, thanks for the help . Some reasons for why I did what I did. pg 3: The idea I was trying to get across was that Theavis keeps losing his train of thought, and parts of his memory along with it. pg4: thanks pg5: I was trying to get across that Theavis is selfish, so he doesn't really care that she collapsed. Norlord fell asleep on her feet, so when she hit the ground she woke up. pg6: there are 28 dots, so the idea was the dots each represent the individual teeth he counted. pg7: if your brain is messed up, you do need to be reminded you are thirsty or hungry. pg7&8: Thanks pg9: Sterling has three arms, McTuggard has three legs. The paragraph where I said that is vague about who has the three legs though. pg10: the explanation comes in chp 3. One of my concerns was that I was delaying the explanation too much, so thank you . McTuggard's accent being annoying is a huge concern for me. It comes back around in chapter 11 and chapter 24, but by then it seems like it will be too late.

This is the start of a fantasy novel. Any feedback is appreciated.

I was hoping to submit. I think I am the new person you are talking about Silk.