rohyu

I agree with rd and Mand about the story starting slowly. His dad explaining the 'dream orbs' to him was interesting. I don't know if there was some deeper meaning to the repeated phrase about how much the dad loves the son. There doesn't have to be, I just wasn't sure if there was meant to be. You did a great job showing what year it was for each section. The father mentioning going to the moon for instance. All in all I enjoyed the story. It was entertaining without being action packed.

I've been working on a story that is similar to the Dexter and John Wayne Cleaver books. It is violent and gore filled, and not really a fantasy story, but I'd love some feedback on the first chapter if anyone is willing.

I liked the escape scene, but before that part I found things a little slow. I didn't mind the banter, I just think there might be a little bit too much of it. Pg5:“And still others claim it’s what provides the Lost Wisdom of Solomon is what Google runs on.” This sentence was awkward. I think you meant, “And still others claim the Lost Wisdom of Solomon is what Google runs on.” pg14: Uzi's use magazines. Like Mand and Shrike, I was confused during the fight scene. The blocking for Bannister, Renfield, and Stephanie during the fight was hard to follow. I'm not sure why Renfield was the only one firing after Evelyn's attack. I'm not sure if Evelyn's attack continued to spark for more than a moment. Did the electricity hang in the air, or continue to surge through the enemies illuminating the area, or did the tunnel return to darkness? I'm not sure how the attacker got close enough to distinguish himself from the other attackers. Also like Shrike and Mand, I enjoyed the tension of the escape scene, despite the obscurities. Given the choice I would have eagerly continued reading to find out why Stephanie killed the guy, and who the attackers worked for.

It was what Bannister said on Page 3. It made me think Bannister knew how to bring Renfield back from the dead, but now I'm thinking I just misunderstood what Bannister was saying. “Maybe, just maybe you get the Council to back you on this wild goose chase for Dracula’s get-out-of-hell-free card,” Bannister said as the car hummed to a stop at the next light. “But even then, I’ve died before. It hurts like a son of a bitch, but it’s no big deal when you come back.”

Hopefully my late critique might still be useful. I read from 23-34 in one sitting. The chapters did a great job making me want to continue reading. At first I kept reading because I wanted to learn about Scholomanc, but now I want to know all about both the details of Scholomanc and who is leading the Chosen. Chapter 23 I don't understand how Renfield would come back from the dead. 24 The question mark threw me off. I think his power is that he can control dead skin/things. It seemed weird that Evelyn secured a truce and then Stephanie was tested to make sure she was actually having visions. I would think the order would be switched. I liked these chapters because they doled out a lot of information. The chapters weren't action packed, but that didn't bother me. 26 I like how you showed what Evalyn's supernatural powers are. 28 This is sort of a side note, but how sure are you that mental illness can't affect only one gender in a family? 29 Rewer's answer didn't seem appropriate. Stephanie asked about finding the Scholomanc, and Rewer answered with where Scholomance is used, rather than where it is. I get that they don't know where the Scholomanc is, Rewer's answer just seemed weird to me. I fell like I missed something important. I don't know why the monster council and Dracula are enemies. I don't get the process that made Dracula what he is. 10 scholars enter, and nine leave, but the one who stayed gained powers, so no one really sacrificed anything. I understand the idea when bringing Dracula back to life (10 scholars perform the ritual, one dies, and Dracula is reborn), but the details of the original ritual that gave Dracula his powers confuses me. I like the idea that Dracula is delaying the collection of his soul by drinking the blood of other people. This would mean if Dracula is stuck at the bottom of the ocean for too long, the devil would come and collect his soul. (Is that why the Chosen have free will now?) Chp 31 I liked this quote, whether you intended for there to be grammatical errors or not. It is a pretty accurate representation of what waking up slightly drunk/slightly hungover does to a persons speech. Chp 34: I'm not sure why Evelyn didn't just kill all of the Chosen instead of scaring them away. You did a good job giving a lot of answers to one mystery (Scholomanc) while creating a new mystery (who is leading the vampires now). I like that you are creating mystery by adding new layers rather than intentionally leaving out information. Looking forward to the next chapters. Sorry about the late critique. Been having some health problems, but doing better now

-I was happy to learn some new ways Casting is used, and I am looking forward to learning what is going on with Covelle's father. -My brain might be running extra slow, but the part about Dylis starting the fire was a little unclear to me. I had to read it a few times before I was clear that the fire was in the room and not thrown out the window. -I also had a hard time following exactly what happened in the quay. I am not a boat person at all, so that could be part (or all) of it. -The scene in the boat with Covelle and Dylis talking at the end lasted longer than it needed to in my opinion. Sorry the feedback is late, hopefully better late than never .

At first I thought things were way to easy for Kang, but you did a great job turning it around and showing Kang was never really in control of the situation. The whole scene was tense, enjoyable, and believable. I think you added an extra 'in'. Should be our, not are. The problem of using the wrong word that sounds the same happens a few times. should be focus. I am not sure what jagged rock you mean. My guess is the piece of coal that burned Ralik, but it is not clear to me. I would have liked some more time for Kang and his father to reunite and bond while they were both lucid. It would make his father's death a more powerful scene in my opinion. Overall I enjoyed the chapter. You did a good job hinting at new essences when Cali used the fire attack on the bear-neetut. I imagine the vials in Kang's boot are for the same 'spell'. I am looking forward to seeing how Kang gets revenge, or fails to get revenge.

I didn't think the first scene was too much of an info dump. The ritual going on in the background did a nice job keeping things interesting while dolling out information. I think I am more forgiving of info dumps than others though. I agree with Shrike and Robinski that the second scene was a little long and didn't really seem productive in the end. It held my interest throughout, but I was hoping for a more well formed idea by the end. (Though I guess Kang and Lumi were hoping for a better idea as well ) >My head to snap to the side so fast I crick my neck. This sentence was awkward to me. I think you forgot a word. There are some missing or incorrect words in a few places. Like on page 7 “...but know this, dear child if take from my family again, I will take them back from yours.” I think you meant, “if you take from my family again...” Sorry for the super late critique.

The end of the chapter does a great job making me want to continue reading. The reminiscing about the event shown in the prologue went on a little too long in my opinion. I would have liked to see some new form Casting. I'm excited for next week's submission .

I think you did a nice job moving the plot along without being boring. I disagree with Mandamon about the bounty hunters. Irving's thoughts after visiting the hospital gave me the impression he has become desperate enough to try anything. By the time he realizes his desperate move was a bad idea it is too late. Pg3: I felt like the part explaining about the hunters is a little long and repetitious. I felt like Stephanie's choices of contention with the bible were cliché. It made it seem like she has only a surface level knowledge of the bible. On the faith side you did a good job establishing why she hates religion, though I agree with Mandamon about the idea that the Van Helsings would most likely be moderate religiously.EDIT: I missed what rd said to mand. The out of place faith raises red flags, and if those red flags are explained in an interesting way it can be great. Now I'm excited to find out what happened to Steph's sister. It also felt weird to me that she dismissed the bible as a fairy tale while in a house with a werewolf and a vampire's servant. If a vampire can turn into mist, a pillar of clouds guiding a group of people can take on a whole new meaning. I am excitedly awaiting the next chapters so I can find out what kind of monsters are on the Council, and what the Council does.

I like your first couple of lines. They did a great job grabbing my attention. It took me a second read-through to realize it, but I believe Ched was a hallucination. I thought it was cool once I realized it. I'm not sure why the memorial statue was left in Ched's shack if it was important to Portsef. Without knowing the mourning rituals of the world, it is hard to me to interpret the customs. My best guess is that he had to leave the statue while fleeing the fight that killed Ched, but that makes me wonder how he had time to carve the inscription. My next guess is that in their world a memorial statue has to sit in the deceased's bedroom for a few days before it is taken elsewhere. I'm also confused why Portsef didn't Traverse as soon as he got the statue. Overall I enjoyed the story. It left me wanting to read more about Portsof and the world he lives in.

I enjoyed this chapter. It was much slower than the other chapters, but that was replaced with a ton of information on casting which was something I was very curious about. Even though you didn't explain casting 100%, I didn't feel cheated out of information. I want to keep reading to find out what 'spells' can be used with casting. The idea of using a part of yourself when casting puts a nice limit on what casting can do. And the mention that Masters can do more with less leaves the door open for some larger casting later on. I can see where RD and Kammer are coming from in regards to Dyliss opening up too easily, but I just chalked it up to the fact that Covelle saved her life and she felt like she owed him. Sorry I don't have much to say about anything except the casting, but I am excited for the next chapter.

I like a lot of the similes you use. For instance, “Stephanie turned her head like a dog failing to comprehend a command.” I felt like you did a good job at doling out information without being boring. Action wise, not much happened, but I didn't really notice that until I was done reading. I agree with what Shrike said about the chase scene. I had a hard time following once Stephanie was inside the train car as well. Pg1:She turned around to see no sign of Bannister since he collided into the train Earlier you said he collided with a bus. Pg4:”The wolf was dragged its large body through the car.” I think you need to remove was or replace dragged with dragging pg11:”It could only make out one word.” I think you meant, “I could only...”

Ok I'm dumb. I thought it was interference, not interface. The phone was "interfering" with what the character wanted to do. So I agree with the others about using the word interface.

I liked the fight. It was easy to follow while not feeling choppy. I also like how you introduced the idea that blonde hair probably means something in relation to casters. The description of Ahma's day felt like it went on too long. This seemed clunky to me. The chapter started a little slow for me, though not slow enough to cause me to stop reading. Overall I really enjoyed it.

I felt like Stephanie’s thoughts and actions when she was imprisoned and being questioned were authentic. I could see myself going through the same thoughts if I woke up in a trunk. I don't remember anything about Irving's wife. Sorry if it is weekly reader syndrome, or if the info was talked about in the early chapters I wasn't around for yet. If the info is being introduced here, it feels late to me. Pg1:“Their eyes darted away even as their heads all seemed inclined to wall towards him.” I don't know what you meant there. Pg5:““But what about Jason—“ Andy stammered. “It’s it his lead?”” This was confusing. Pg8:“In the distance, Stephanie saw the setting Dallas sun.” How does she know she is in Dallas? Pg9:““Especially seeing how you introduce yourself?”” I am not sure if you meant to use a question mark, or if I don't quite understand what was said. Pg10:“No much her reputation preceded her she remained at Renfield’s mercy.” That sentence confused me. Pg11:“Was Renfield honestly tried to build up some kind of trust with this crem dung about him leaving his Master’s story.” I think you meant trying and I think there should be a question mark at the end of that sentence. Pg 12:Renfield had taken his focus off of Bannister, even dropped the gun to his side. I think you meant taking his focus off of Stephanie. If not, then I think there needs to be more exposition about how Renfield is ignoring everyone. Pg15:”Stephanie’s brown eyes turned large, but Renfield noted fierceness instead of fear her face.” I think you forgot a word. “...fear on her face.” “He didn’t any.” I think you forgot a word again.

I understood you meant phone when you said "interference" and I liked it. I got the impression the world is our current world and you were just using a clever wording. I'm not entirely sure what you meant here. Do you mean the character likes the consistency of their daily life? The “2nd character"(so to speak) seems relatively happy during the story, so the sad ending felt out of place for me.

That's what I figured

I enjoyed the chapters quite a lot. I felt like you set up an epic story with intersecting characters set in a currently peaceful kingdom (though I am assuming it won't be peaceful for long). I got a little bored when Benam was walking with the prisoners. I liked how you put in the prayer to show their religious tendencies. I agree with Shrike that the actual prayer doesn't need to be there though, but I didn't find it intrusive. I think boats, oceans, or something like that will play a meaningful part. Benam working at the docks, and the two scenes there, made sea-activities(or at least dock activities) seem important to me. You did a good job getting me interested in Ahma, Covelle, Benam, and the magic of the world. The mystery of the magic is what drew my interest. The word caster makes me think there is some kind of magic in the world. At this point I would guess casting is either a dead practice, an inherent attribute of a race of people in the world, or something that most people just choose not to do. My best guess is that casting has something to do with Theracian bloodlines, because Ahma is half Theracian and it seems like she will be a caster later. I think casting, the Teracian bloodline, and how the emperor gets his people to invade so often are all related. Which makes me want to read more to find out exactly how they are related, or to find out why I'm wrong. The impressions I got of the characters was that Ahma is a strong woman who lives near the fringe of society, Covelle is a clever conman/smuggler, and Benam is an aging hero who can still fight when he needs to. Ahma fighting only when she knows she can win made me like her. Covelle's sneakiness made me like him. The prologue showing when Benam became a hero, and how modest he was about it, made me like him. I also liked how he was upset with the executions enough to make him seem compassionate while not making him seem weak. I am sort of confused by the second sentence. I think it is referring to Ahma getting another lecture about watching what she says about casting, but I'm not sure. ”“Covelle sighed and signed the invoice with his wrong hand in today’s false name I like the way you showed how much effort he puts into faking things. Sorry the feedback is so late.

I'm going to try writing a book that has less characters and that takes place in our world. Maybe after more writing experience I'll come back to this story. Thanks for the critiques.

I liked the banter. I think we are about the same age, so nostalgia is helping a fair amount. I don't think utilizing nostalgia is a bad thing at all. I felt like the conversation about archaeology went on a little too long in Hank's part of the chapter. I felt the same way about the section where the other bodies were discovered. I think Shrike made a great point: the characters didn't seem amazed by the findings, so I wasn't either. Not much happened in Hank's part of the chapter, but I think if it had ended a little earlier I wouldn't have noticed. I'm excited to find out why the corpses were buried in a pattern.

I liked that half the fight was from Renfield's POV and half the fight was from Stephanie’s POV. I had a hard time following the fight. I think it is because of grammar errors and confusing sentences. Why did Stephanie give up on the gun? I don't really like how the fight started. I think she is smart enough to point the gun at his kneecap if she wants to interrogate him, not his neck. Then when he moves, she shoots and incapacitates him, but he isn't killed. I understand how a normal person would be threatened by a gun to the face, but she isn't dealing with normal people usually. Pg1: -“He could have been handled. I was handling him,” This sounds awkward. I think you were trying to get across that he is rambling as he speaks, but the way you did it doesn't work for me. The third sentence does a much better job of this. Pg2: -”And they will be looking for a scared little girl with a nervous breakdown, not ones such as us.” I'm not sure what The Buyer means here. I thought he was referencing the fact the Stephanie is in the wind already, but he soon implies he didn't know she was missing. If your intention was to make me ask, “what is up with The Buyer?” it worked, but I think Irving would have questioned the statement as much as I did. Pg3:-”There might be a way we can track here there.” I think you meant “track her there.” pg4:-“He’s trying to help the poor defense girl” Did you mean, “defenseless girl” ? Pg5: -“hazel brown eyes” You can just say “hazel eyes.” pg5&6: -“He gained little advantage from his position when he saw the woman bounding towards, her kick nearly catching him in the stomach.” Did you mean “bounding towards him”? Or “bounding forward”? Pg7: -“Renfield thought back to all that traing in the Marines” training. -“Her hoodie kept her from making a blow to the next or face, at least directly, and obscured most of her figure.” I think you meant “neck and face.” And I think you meant “taking a blow to the neck or face.” ? I don't think an oversized hoodie would protect your face with the hood down. If you meant her hitting him on the neck or face I don't see how an over-sized hoodie would prevent that. -“Judging by the woman’s graceful movement and toned force, her steps forced and difficult against the weight of the hoodie.” I don't understand this sentence. Pg9: -“pivoting her hips to build momentum on a right hook” I think it should be “momentum for a right hook.” -“Each one of the hunter’s blow came” “blows came” -“Each one of the hunter’s blow came closer and closer to doing some real damage, if not knocking him off-balance altogether.” I don't like the repetition of the idea of knocking him off balance so close together. -“It’s time to drop the act. This has gone on long enough.” and later “It’s time to end this.” Again, I don't like the idea repeated so close together. -“Renfield’s posture loosened just as he brought a knife hand chopping down onto the hunter returning jab.” That makes me think he has a knife, which I don't think he does. -”She tensed up, her fist flying at she desperately thought to do some damage of her own.” 'flying as she' -”Renfield had little trouble doing her blows.” dodging. Pg10: -“Renfield cutting believe his luck” I think you meant couldn't. Pg13: -”Her right felt straight down” I think you meant “fell straight down.” pg14: -” She saw the Dracula’s servant salivating” I think either remove 'the', or capitalize 'servant', or 'the', or both. -“keeping balance while ensuring every step came out of a loss of control for Renfield.” This sentence sounds awkward to me. Pg15: -”The last time she had seen the tattoos came to her. Stephanie remembered the crest from tattoo it appeared on a scroll. The last time she had seen it—“ The first and third sentences here say the same thing. The second sentence doesn't make sense to me. -“When jagged streaks of lighting began in the distance” 'lightning' or 'light' not lighting. This sentence is a repeat of the third sentence, and I think the third sentence does a better job conveying the idea. Pg16: -”still lying unmoving on the cold floor in particularly uncomfortable position. “ 'in a particularly' pg19: -”I’ll be out of that country” Forgot a period at the end. -“A cold chill ran down Renfield’s spine like an ice cube falling down spine.” This sentence is awkward. -“How bad would it lock if” I think you meant 'look'. Pg20: -” He was not sure how he would accomplish that last.” I think you forgot the word 'thing' at the end of the sentence. -“ He With the mutter hunter flat on his back...” 'With the muttering hunter...' -“ he had came alone and planned on leaving alone” 'come alone' or 'he came alone' pg22: - “ Renfield took the hunter by the arms, letting front completely fall in his chest, while he did his best to retroactively wrap his legs around hers” This confused me, and I don't know how we got from this point to her being on Renfields back. -“He said to an elderly woman giving him the stink-eye just as the hunter’s head fell hung unsupported off of his arms.” I think you can remove the word hung, or I don't understand this sentence.

I think the cliffhanger I left you guys with won't be the end of chapter 5, just a scene break. All feedback is welcome. Thank you in advance. Theavis(human) can't remember anything about his past. Norlord(human) re-inducted him into the Mage Core alongside Magnus(geoglomite), McTuggard(sentinel), Alnas(human),and Helgrus(parasian). Katinov (human who created the black star Pelegra) has returned after 400 years and an army approaches from the east. The Mage's went to check out the invading army and were attacked. McTuggard tried to escape with Theavis, but couldn't outrun the shades that followed. McTuggard fell to his hands and knees, injured, as the wailing shades circled around him. Relvaris(rusticulan) and Ponsing (achinian) are traveling the around Umas, the western continent. Relvaris, the newly chosen warden of the rusticulan farmlands, hopes to gain some knowledge of the world so that he can become a better leader.

I'd like to submit tomorrow if possible.

I didn't mean to sound defeatist. I'm not going to quit . I just am not positive whether to move on or not from this story. I think you know this already, but I don't think any of the criticism was harsh or unfounded. It was all helpful. Of course I would have loved to have written a classic in 3 drafts, but I'm fine with the fact that I didn't. I think it starts to get more interesting the next few chapters, but I'm still not sure how to get to those chapters without a lot of infodump-filled setup. There is a lot I need to introduce, even with cutting out a lot of world building so far. I guess I can let you guys tell me if the next chapters are interesting . I think Relvaris is far more interesting and well developed than Theavis, but the story surrounding Theavis is much more interesting and goes deep into the lore of the world. I might have to switch main characters. I've tried to think of a way to make Theavis more proactive, and I think he is in later chapters, but I'll have to keep thinking about him.