Marci

Thanks for reading again this week!

Thanks so much for reading again this week, Robinski! Keep the comments coming, man. I love 'em! You're not overwhelming me at all. In fact, you've helped point me in several great directions on how to expand on certain aspects of the story, while tightening up others. Much, MUCH appreciated!

Previously, on Broken Universe: The otherworldly powers Baxter Phelps developed as a teen have left him mentally scarred. He’s learned to cope through self-medication, and using his powers to cheat his way through life as much as possible. Despite this, he feels like things might be looking up for him. Then a transdimensional portal appears nearby while he’s wrapping up a successful hunting trip in the woods, and the portal’s appearance triggers the return of a slew of confusing and incomplete memories. One of the things he remembers is that someone with an axe to grind is looking for him. So, he hightails it out of the woods to ask his ex-girlfriend, Kim Dehaven, for help while still remembering why he needs it in the first place. But little does Baxter know that he’s leading Kim into danger, and is thus confused and dismayed when she is possessed by a strange, menacing entity who appears to know him intimately... Chapter 2 Summary: The aftermath of Kim’s possession, which Baxter promptly forgets. Chapter 3 Summary: Seven months later, the systematic dismantling of Baxter’s world nears its completion. -- Again, I’m looking for feedback on character development, story pacing, and wordsmithing. I worked on editing down dialog and cutting extraneous description, though I’m sure I still have plenty of that. Some of you noted that Baxter and Kim don't always speak very nicely to each other. Well, they are exes for a reason, and it gets worse before it gets better. Baxter deserves every bit of vitriol he gets from Kim in Chapter 3. Some specific questions for you: In Chapter 2, Baxter’s forgetting is pretty abrupt. Too abrupt? Yes/no/perhaps? And is the time gap between Chapters 2 and 3 too jarring? I hint at what Baxter and Kim have been up to during that time, but are those hints enough to carry the story? One more note, on formatting: My quotes are screwy here and there. Sorry, going from Scrivener to Google docs does this at times, and I’m not sure how to wholesale fix it in docs like I can in Scrivener, so I apologize if any of you find them distracting. Thank you for reading. I look forward to (and am slightly afraid of) your comments!

Yep, two chapters this time. I was shooting for three, but it got too out of hand even after last-minute edits. This submission is under 5K.

Still time to submit for this week? Even if it's *ahem* around 1K over the usual limit?

Sorry. I'm admittedly a little flaily about the structure at the moment, and having a hard time finding a box that fits the story I'm telling. I can't determine if that's a "me" problem, or a problem with the story itself.

Thanks for sharing your notes, Mandamon! I'm going over my outline, and the Hollywood approach would likely fix the majority of my pacing problems. After discussing the first chapter with the group, I see now that my timeline is hosed... It's sprawled all to heck, which I recognize brings the entire thing to a standstill before it ever really takes off. With that in mind, I don't think any of you would be very happy with Chapter 2, which is why I'll refrain from posting more until I can get the outline in better shape, and make edits to the text. Like I mentioned before, I originally had two distinct story arcs, and thus split this up into two books, but now my goal is getting this thing condensed into a single book, if possible.

I've had trouble going entirely digital, myself, which is probably why I haven't bothered learning to use Scrivener to its full potential. To this day I'm slightly obsessed with spiral bound notebooks and moleskines and fancy ink pens, and have the collection to prove it. I have all of my writing notebooks from when I was a kid, too, which is always hilarious to go through. They say you use a different part of your brain when you write things out longhand, and I kind of believe it. I only wish I'd printed out all of my Word, WordPerfect, and ClarisWorks documents before my collection of floppy disks died. Those words are forever lost (probably a good thing, considering).

By the way, I checked out both apps, and ended up getting Rory's Story Cubes. I LOVE THIS APP, MAN! I even purchased the expansion packs after playing with it a bit. Too much fun. That will definitely come in handy. Thanks so much for bringing the story cubes to my attention!

I do something similar between docs and Scrivener. I have: A "Randomosity" file for stream of consciousness, brainstorming, and inspirational stuff (photos, lyrics, quotes, links). A working outline file Character bio files And a "Ctrl+V" file for the stuff I end up trimming from one scene/chapter, but feel I can incorporate elsewhere I have some Excel worksheets for outlining and timelines, but don't use them often because I just don't "get" Excel. I mean, I get it, I know that if I took some courses or watched some videos on it I could be an expert-level user, but it's just so dry and technical, and there are so many buttons and menus, and I've adamantly refused to use it for so long because I'm not a secretary, darn it, that I've never quite gotten the hang of using it. Plus, it's not pretty. We artists like things to be pretty.

I'm originally from DC/Maryland, but I love living in this area of the country (omg the lakes!!!), and I've always wanted to pay tribute to it. Defiance, Ohio is one of my settings, as Baxter finds a door in a dive bar. The husband and I go to Defiance numerous times a year to pick up supplies of Cashman's BBQ sauce and Yuengling, and I've thus developed a soft spot for the town. We'd pass by that dive bar on the way home, and I became a little obsessed with it. Researching that joint was fun, I'll tell you.

I thought I'd ask the group... Do any of you use specialized tools to assist you with writing, outlining, or general organization when you're working on larger projects? I've been using Scrivener for years, but I've yet to scratch the surface where its capabilities are concerned. My workplace gives me access to Safari Books Online, which has a number of training/tutorial books on how to use Scrivener effectively, but for some reason I can't make myself slog through one of them. Heh. I usually work between Google docs and Scrivener, creating a draft document for each day, since I can access docs remotely. I often forget to copy my work over from Scrivener at the end of the day, however, which brings me to a standstill. I've tried syncing my .scriv files with Dropbox or Drive, but I've had issues with file corruption, and have thus been wary of accessing those files remotely. Plus, once you really get going with a project, the .scriv files are so large and unwieldy that it's just about impossible to work with them online. I seriously can't wait until Scrivener comes out with an iOS app.

Again, I appreciate your feedback! Have a great weekend.

I'd be curious to know this, too. I'm taking a break from my novel for a few days, but have still been writing.

Ha! So, Kim has an excess "up top," not to mention that she's heavily tattooed. The ghost is sadly lacking in either department, which is where the preoccupation comes in. Kim even mentions to Baxter later: "She was kind of preoccupied with my breasts." Baxter replies: "I'm kind of preoccupied with your breasts." Yeah, the guy is kind of a horse's rear sometimes. He's trying to be funny, but it doesn't always go over well.

Thank you, that's a very good point! Baxter often tends to act without thinking, though the fact that he could've hurt Kim would've bothered him immensely. I'll be sure to call that out in the revision.

Again, thank you! I appreciate your time, and the feedback. I've learned a lot over the last two weeks, for sure.

Thank you very much for the advice. I'll see what I can do to more naturally incorporate the backstory via Baxter's internal dialog.

Thanks for reading and commenting!

Thanks for reading, Mandamon! There are at least two instances called out in Part 1 that I remember in particular. The first is in the second paragraph of page 1, the second is in the second paragraph on page 13. The biggest reason why I didn't include more hints of it is the fact that he's alone, and there's a whole lot of silence going on around him until he starts hearing the door. He's repeating what he speaks aloud on page 10, Part 1, when the door first appears. He's afraid he'll forget, so he's reminding himself. Baxter's doing it. He tends to break things when he's angry. Spoiler alert: The "ghost" inhabiting Kim isn't a ghost at all; it's someone from Baxter's past who he's wronged, and she wants him to know she's coming for him. She made the door in an attempt to reach him. The banter might've gone on for too long, but that was my lame attempt at establishing a long and storied history between these two, whether Baxter realizes it right at that moment, or not. Chapter 3 should give readers a better idea of who the ghost might be. Honestly, I'm attempting to set up a 20-year mystery, here, while establishing relationships and history without infodumping every five seconds. Baxter doesn't remember a huge portion of his past. He only knows what he knows when he knows it, and there's a very specific reason for this, which doesn't get revealed until midpoint in the story. This reveal is huge, by the way, and something Baxter will ultimately answer for in a dramatic way. There are two major mentions of when his powers developed in Part 1, on pages 9 and 13. I'm not expecting you to go back and look or anything like that, I just wanted to point out that I have addressed these things, though perhaps not very successfully. I feel I must also add: Since this book is almost entirely from Baxter's unique POV, if you continue reading you'll want to take everything he sees, says, and hears with a grain of salt. The guy's schizo, after all. Thanks again for reading!

Well, it just so happens that I cut 1K words from the submission, bringing it down to a cool 4500 words. I'm sure it could be cut even further. Not sure what that says about the writing, either way.