Mr. Wednesday

Hey everyone, this is the thread for any feedback/thoughts/questions about chapter 1 of Mystic's Haven. Thanks for reading!

I'd like to submit a chapter this week if that's cool with you guys.

I don't mind at all!

Hi everyone, I suppose now is a good time for me to introduce myself, since I've already been going around doling out feedback like it's Halloween candy. I started writing as a kid and wrote stories on and off throughout high school and college, but my main focus was always music. I went to Berklee College of Music for Contemporary Writing & Production (part film scoring, part composition, part audio engineering). I do a lot of music composition and freelance audio production, and I have only recently gotten back into writing fiction. I spent most of the last year working on my first novel, which I just recently finished and will most likely try to submit in pieces to this group for feedback. It's a 120k word fantasy(ish) story about a woman who withdraws into a dream world in order to cope with tragic events in her life. My favorite authors include Tom Robbins (Jitterbug Perfume, Skinny Legs and All), Carlos Ruiz Zafon (The Shadow of the Wind), Stephen King, Neil Gaiman (although I've only read American Gods, I thought it was amazing and I am definitely going to read more of his work), and of course, JK Rowling, whose writing basically shaped my childhood. I even like her new stuff. Of Brandon's books, I've actually only read Mistborn, but I plan on reading the entire trilogy and working my way through the rest of his catalog. I stumbled onto his BYU lecture series on Youtube while I was working on my novel and became obsessed, and from there I started working my way through the Writing Excuses archives. I'm excited to hear some of your feedback on my writing when I submit, and I'm excited to read some good stuff! I've already loved what I've read so far.

Hahaha if one of you writes that story I'm pretty sure you'll have a Pulitzer coming your way.

Nice story! The main thing that concerns me is that the writing is a little vague in certain places. With something that is primarily action-based, you could probably tighten it up just a little bit in some of the ways Mandamon mentioned above. I'm really curious, is this a standalone short story or the beginning to a novel? Either way, assuming it is the very beginning of something rather than a later chapter, I would have liked a little more motivation for her actions from the beginning. I feel like it starts with a lot of action and it takes a little while before we understand what she's doing and why. Pg 1: I agree that "dismissive" isn't the right word in this context. Maybe "negligible"? Pg 2: "Trying to stay in the largest patches, she soon realized it would soon disappear." You use the word "soon" twice back to back and it makes the sentence a little awkward. Pg 6: "She bore with the pain almost to the point of losing consciousness" I feel like you don't necessarily need the "with", "she bore the pain" seems a little bit more direct. Pg 7: "Its comforting glow warmed her each time, yet she was feeling an odd emotion from it now." Going into the past progressive tense with "was feeling…now" makes this sentence a little awkward. You slip into the past progressive a lot throughout the story, and to me it gets a little murky. Also, I feel like you could be more specific about her odd emotion. What emotion is she feeling, exactly? I kind of agree with RD about the abrupt shift in POV at the end. If this is a short story, I think it's a little dangerous to do so. I get what you were going for, I just feel like it's a bit too stark in this draft. It might work if you smooth out the transition a little bit, although I don't really have any recommendation for how you would do so. Very cool concept overall! Keep up the good work!

It took me a second to get my bearings with this one because there wasn't a plot summary, but once Blacklake left the dean's office I got into the rhythm of it. -I like the stream of consciousness aspect to Blacklake's thoughts. It gives the impression right off the bat that he is a bit scattered and unfocused. -The dark tone overall is very effective. It puts us tightly in Blacklake's pov and conveys his state of mind nicely. -Toward the bottom of page 2 you use the word "background" twice in the same sentence and it feels a bit redundant. -"…the Fitzwilliam Museum, which attracted groups of school children like a dead antelope attracted flies" -- great imagery. Appropriately gruesome. -"Surely they had much better things to do with all of human kind to occupy them than waste time on his pathetic form." I feel like "to occupy them" is a little cumbersome and the sentence could do without it. -"He snorted, oblivious to the couple that turned to look at him, the tall wild-seeming man standing at the edge of the street, lost in some inner debate and perhaps not entirely there." In this section I feel like there's a slight pov conflict going on. The phrase "lost in some inner debate and perhaps not entirely there" seems a bit self-aware for someone who is oblivious to the couple watching him. I feel like he has had pretty strong tunnel vision up to this point, and describing how he might appear to the couple from afar breaks that and widens the shot in a way that may not be necessary. -On p. 5 you use the phrase "shocked to his core", which you already used once before. -I'm not sure what the time period is supposed to be, but the phrase "slap-and-tickle" is great and it sounds just antiquated enough to add a little humor. -P. 10 "poured" should be "pored". -P. 11 "iterating" feels like kind of an awkward word choice in this context. -P. 11 The segment about Judith picturing the candle in eight individual segments is great. In Writing Excuses, Brandon and Mary both talk a lot about using what a character notices in a given setting to establish things about who they are, and I feel like this is a great example of that. It makes her seem analytical, systematic, and extremely detail-oriented. Nicely done!

Hey all, I'm brand new to the group and this is my first batch of readings, so first off I just want to thank you guys for having me! I had a few thoughts while reading this chapter that I hope you find helpful. Keep in mind that I haven't read the preceding chapters, so feel free to disregard any of my comments if they lack the proper context. -I agree with rdpulfer's comment about the process of turning the girls into nobles. Based on the context, I'm going to assume that they already know what Gemeti means by "transform". The fact that they just sort of go with it and don't ask questions leads me to believe that they know slightly more about what the transformation will entail than we do at this point. -At the top of the second page, you used the phrase "cleaning up loose ends", and while the meaning is clear, I’m pretty sure the expression should be “tying up loose ends”. Just a bit of a mixed metaphor there. -You do a nice job of establishing Belili's POV. This is a purely stylistic question, but have you considered putting some of her observations in italics and making them her internal thoughts? One place that I thought could benefit from that approach was at the top of page 2: "The old woman must have been cleaning up loose ends on her way out. So she was really planning to travel with them. She must be used to leaving her home on short notice." It totally works the way it is now, I just felt like placing some of those lines in italics and adding “Belili thought” would anchor us in her POV a little more. -The image of the oxen pulling the giant platforms with the trees on them is awesome! -I actually didn’t know what you meant by the line about Kisa measuring fertilizer. Is it supposed to illustrate how meticulous she is? -The metaphor of the bucket cleansing the shovel is really nice and plays into the earthy tone of the story, but the way it is currently phrased implies that her bruises and pain are like the bucket of water rather than the dirt. You might want to just rephrase that a little bit. -The way this scene ends is great! Gemeti has a clear character arc throughout the chapter and it ends really nicely with her surprising them with her magic. Nicely done!