supersoup

I really appreciate your kind words and gentle nudging at the weaknesses in my writing. -"Red letter day" is gone in the second draft. -"Devoleane SPRANG out of . . . " Sprung? Springed? I do struggle with these sorts of tenses. I usually end up using some archaic form of the word, as you noticed elsewhere. -My grammar is terrible, haha. I taught myself to read at a young age, and skipped the whole "Hooked on Phonics" stage. As a result, I have learned mostly by imitation, and make up the rest. You may be right here. I'll consider other ways to phrase that. With the suggestion you provided, I can't help but feel the urge to put a comma before "which", which (lol) seems to break the flow. It's on my "consider revision" list for the second draft. -This suggestion I do like, "overnight without warning". It does seem to flow better. -Yeah, "to refuge" is a very archaic use of the word. Probably in my best interest to consider alternatives, but dang it all if I don't like it as a verb. =P -If nothing else, I hope for my writing to flow without bogging down the reader too much. I do drop quite a few names in Ch. 1, but I feel like some of them are key for fixing their location geographically so I can reference other locations based on where they find themselves. I'll try to find ways to spread out the name drops. -I'm not overly fond of how I dropped two sayings so close together, but Devoleane is a character who prides himself in a faux air of culture. Key to his character, but I'll look for more palatable ways to express that in my revisions. Thank you for your feedback! =)

Oh, I mean when I sent the email off. I caught it before I posted here.

I left the date of this weeks submission the same as last week's on accident. Teach me to copy/paste and try to shave naught but a few seconds. Let me know if this messed something up, or if I need to resubmit =P

I messed up and left the date in the e-mail the same as last weeks. My bad for copy/pasting without double checking after I changed the chapter number. Glass Skies Prologue and Ch. 1:Pendiwille and Devoleane, old friends and apprentices at the prestigious Academy of Sciences, are shocked to discover that a new "aerland" (one of a floating chain of islands, just off the eastern coast of the Kingdom of Laendelwen) has appeared overnight. Even the scientific curiosity of a new discovery can't force romance from the young duo's minds, as they attempt to secure a companion for Pendiwille's first visit to the Grand Ball. Rendevere and Lianye, two travelers from elsewhere in the Kingdom, take note of the new aerland's appearance as well, but Lianye sees it as a herald of something greater. Unswayed from her mission, she and her friend carry on toward the capital city of Laendelvae. Enter Ch. 2, in which we follow Rendevere and Lianye as they make their way into the city. Fun Fact: As with most fantasy novels, I started work on this story nearly three years ago. One of the earlier iterations centered on a youth from one of the villages on the outskirts of the Kingdom. The King used to be an Emperor, and he was originally intended to be the primary antagonist. This particular iteration didn't get too far, but one of the Emperor/King's scenes returns with only moderate modification in Ch. 4 of this iteration. (I want to try adding Fun Facts to my submissions. Let me know if it's something you're interested in seeing more of.)

I have another chapter prepped for whenever works out best. Whether this coming week, or the next if this week fills with others who have priority.

Thank you so much for all of your feedback, everybody! I really appreciate it, and the time each of you took to write out some very well considered critiques and comments. It's very exciting and encouraging to me that even in the first draft, the story is intriguing and enjoyable to read! I'm a bit harried today, so please forgive me if any of my responses seem to lack substance. Also note, I'm not excusing any poor writing choices on my part, though I may offer a counter-point to help me better understand where I came up short. I'm here to learn and grow. -Aerland appearance . . . Hmm. Like you and Majestic Fox noted, I tended to favor pace over description with my first draft. This was deliberate on my part, as I am fighting an old tendency of mine to be overly wordy, focusing in like a microscope on the most inane details with complicated sections of prose that lose sight of what the scene is actually about. I still haven't conquered this bad habit, as you will see in the next few chapters, but I'm trying. I will definitely work better descriptions into my second draft. -Now that you've pointed it out to me, I'm having a hard time recalling what I intended for Pen to really be saying there with "She'll show someday". I think it may be left over from earlier iterations of that conversation with Dev, from a train of thought that doesn't seem to click anymore like I thought it did. I'll add that to the list, thank you for pointing it out. These are the sort of things I need to see from different readers' perspectives. -"Goodman" is a common term in this world for highborn men to use when speaking with other highborn men. It implies a respectful and friendly familiarity. That said, perhaps I need to throttle back on Devoleane's use of it =P -I spoke of my prior issues with descriptions up above. I will work on it! Luckily for you all, as what I suppose are the closest this story will have to alpha readers, only the first 12k words are set to page thus far. I'm nearing the end of Act 1 (or Book 1, if you will), which concludes with the events of the Ball. Acts 2 and onward I will be able to try and work your feedback into my first draft as I write. -Seeing as even I was having trouble separating the Prologue from Ch. 1 for the submission, perhaps I will restructure that whole section to be Ch. 1, and consider writing another prologue. -I have a lot of learning to do with viewpoints, as you can see. With the scene in the gardens, I hoped it would flow like scenes from a TV show, following one conversation between two people, then cut to the other two watching them from a short distance away. I see what you mean about the story benefiting from being rooted in Pen's POV, though. For the scenes that include him, I'll keep that in mind for the second draft. -Which times? ;P No, I have trouble with that. I try to say it aloud and see which one "sounds" right to me, but as you can see I still might not get it right all the time. Something I need to work on for self-editing, that I suppose only comes with practice. -Ah, the blend of tech levels was deliberate. This world is on the verge of a lot of different things--steam power, widespread use of gunpowder, industry, and a revolution of sorts. It's kind of this lanky teenager of a world, really; not quite grown up but not young anymore either. I hope to use that to interesting effect as the story progresses, but I will definitely need feedback to help me determine what works and what doesn't. For instance, in Ch. 5 gunpowder grenades play a fairly large role. -"Hard to get" is going into the revise pile for the second draft. -"Red letter day". I'm torn on how to approach idioms. I don't want to call a cow a "t'perlok" just to drive home the point that this is a fantasy world, and by the same token, I want it to have some familiarity for the reader. Another one of my growing pains as a writer though, I suppose--I still don't know how to work those effectively. Any suggestions? -"Ol Dev's owed two now" may be another vestige from an earlier iteration of the conversation. It's as if Pen owes him for his love advice (which he is offering as a bet against his own commission), and then he reminds Pen why he actually left the observatory in the first place, so now he's owed two. I'll try to make the exchange of promises and favors more clear in the second draft. -"Peon" may be better said as just "messenger" or "apprentice", yeah. I'll mark that one for revision. -"nickname". I was worried that just calling him "Opples" might confuse the reader, but I've had it pointed out twice now that "calling him by his nickname" is vestigial. I'll probably just cut that then. -The characters are on the world. The aerlands are a feature of the world; an arc of floating islands, as it were. Act 2 might actually clear that up a good deal, as that's my "Let's set off on a world-spanning adventure" portion of the story. I'll look for ways to make that clear earlier on in the second draft. -Too many goodmans, as I'm discovering =P I'll work on that. -For the POV switch, as easy solution is to make it clear Pen can hear what Dev is saying, but that might detract from the idea that Pen and Satiaera kind of enter their own little world as they talk. I'll see what I can do to find another way to work that conversation for the second draft. -I certainly want to have fun with the mishmash of times and tech. One of my favorite times of history to study is the Sengoku era of feudal Japan. It was this glorious combination of Daimyos leading traditional samurai, with time-tested weapons like bows and katanas, against Daimyos willing to field the newly imported matchlock rifles and other gunpowder weapons from the West nearer the end of the era. The honor and chivalry of close quarters combat contrasted with newer ways to wage war--very exciting! To me, at least. And I hope to give that same impression with my world. -Intended audience-- that's a great question, and something I'm actively considering. I would say that I'm most interested in writing young adult stories, but I'm disappointed in the tropes which dominate the genre today. Sure, I bring up romance early, and it will be a part of the story, but it's only one subplot. Only a small part of the character's lives, and I want to make that clear. It doesn't define them or their interactions with one another. I would like to write a story that young adults can read, seeing elements they enjoy like coming-of-age and romance, but which doesn't distract more mature readers from enjoying the fantasy and more complex elements like the influence of politics and religion on the bigger picture. That's part of the reason for the characters of Rendevere and Lianye-- they are more embroiled in the subtleties of geopolitical matters, while Pen and Dev are more focused on the young adult elements. Eventually, they will come together, and their goals will merge somewhat, while Pen and Dev still have those simpler elements driving their hopes and aspirations. Haha, I guess you could say I want it all. Any thoughts on this? -"How uncharacteristic" was wholly unintentional, when I first wrote it. I did notice it after a while, but simply giggled and carried on. I'll find another way to say what I mean to say, that is, Yvole didn't expect Pen to be up there early in the morning. -If you would be willing, please tell me a bit more about what you don't like in the description "his robe trailing behind . . . ", I not sure I follow. -I'll give serious consideration to voice tags moving forward, and mark down these first few chapters for my second draft. -Perhaps a bit of dialogue added in for the second draft can make Pen and Dev's relationship clearer. They are old friends, apprentices in an Academy dedicated to the sciences, a rather new concept for the old Kingdom. -"Raises more questions" is a bit I like, as I'm imagining my grandmother or father reading the story, and I want to make sure they have ample guidance for drawing the necessary connections to see the goals that the characters do. Not to mention, the masters are reasoning out the aerland among themselves, and I would like for the scene to feel as though they're batting ideas back and forth. Second draft, I suppose. -"Captivating as always" was supposed to imply that Devoleane, rather that watching the aerlands during his shift, was using the telescope to admire the ladies in the square. Is there a way I could make this clearer, for it to work? -Yeah, I'll drop the reference to "calling the master by his nickname". -For Pen's POV, and my POV issues, is it better written like so? "Pen felt as though it were a pursuit that reinforced isolation." I do mean for that to be his feelings on the matter, not omniscient commentary. -I'm always worried that my attempts to inject "awe and wonder" will come off as pretentious or fall flat, but that's certainly what I hope to achieve. I guess I'm afraid to try and inject too much "emotion" into my writing, but that's really at the core of good writing, isn't it? I struggle with this, for certain-- any tips or advice? -Even though the readers already know about the new aerland, Lianye is just discovering it for herself. Are there any tips for how to express this, without beating the readers over the head with it a second time? =P -Characters first, legends later-- I could definitely do a lot to rework that section. EDIT: Blast it all, I may just cut all mention of the legend from Rend and Lianye's intro scene in the second draft. I definitely want to give those two the time they need to develop as characters without muddying the waters. I'm rather fond of them. -Like I mentioned way up above, I struggle with a tendency for wordiness, which I've found can break both pacing and immersion simultaneously. I'll see what I can do for the second draft as far as taking the time to paint the picture a little more clearly, and in Act 2 and 3 moving forward. -Pen's psyche kind of ties in to my worry about building "awe and wonder"-- I'm concerned that I lack the skill to potray it effectively, without coming off as immature, I suppose. Not an excuse, though. I'll try to work on that. -I'm honestly really encouraged that you would tell me to sacrifice a bit of the pacing for building up the world. That's something I've been craving, but was afraid to let myself off of the leash for, due to my bad habits for excess words. I'll loosen up a bit and see what happens, from Ch. 6 onwards. I'll revisit the first few chapters and add world details in the second draft, then. Thanks so much for all of your thoughts and perspectives rdpulfer, Mr. Wednesday, Mandamon, and Majestic Fox! Looking forward to seeing all of your feedback and critiques on the next chapter =)

Did I send mine in proper?

[spoilers] Ok, I laughed out loud at Zeus hanging up on Hades. That was the point I was completely sold on the premise. I did find myself mentally hesitating when Hades says he never liked sleeping. So, the chapter opens with him waking up? This doesn't sit right with me. Not to mention that Zeus calls at 4am, Hades describes the city being "quiet at night", and then he meets Prometheus in the "evening air" atop the grassy mound. I can't quite tell what time it is, and this also disrupts my suspension of disbelief. I'm really curious to know what sort of Enemy could rout the combined might of every Greek god. This is an awesome hook for me, as a huge fan of mythology. Just make sure not to pull a Mass Effect with how they built up the Reapers early on Although, the thought occurs to me that if ever a deus ex machina were a reasonable plot device, it might be in this particular story. "That's when I knew something was wrong." -- damnation, me too. This whole scene with Hades and Zeus conversing is very well done. The revelation that Hermes was dead in the park, putting the phone conversation at the beginning into perspective, was just plain awesome. "Do you know what's on the other side? Because I don't." -- Again, as a huge fan of mythology, this was a major "Oh sh-" moment for me. Fantastic! "The Ennead will be here soon." -- Oh, so when Hades said "every single god", he meant: Every. Single. God. Pavlov has rung my bell, good sir. I'm confused. Your beta readers didn't like the halved opening? I hope that's the case, because I absolutely loved it as it is. I feel out of my league in trying to analyze how to improve it. Perhaps the pacing, but I lack the ability to determine what should or shouldn't make the cut, and to me it all seems to belong. It seems a well assembled puzzle, and all of the pieces just feel right. Golly. The only suggestions I might offer are to consider pruning the second and third paragraphs. Perhaps combine them after thinning them, and just focus on Hades answering the phone? Also, perhaps consider cutting any of the paragraphs mentioning Charon. I feel like Hades could just head down and get his car himself. That way, the scene still helps set the modern mood, as it were, but Charon doesn't really do enough to justify introducing him there. Nice touch using him as the valet though! Maybe keep that concept and reuse it later? I'm absolutely ready to read more!

Wow. Just wow. I absolutely loved it. Your characterization is subtle, but effective. Each of them distinct. There was so much unspoken history evident in so few words. I really enjoyed the touch of Willow's thoughts interjecting into a line of her dialogue. which you used a few times to good effect. The prose flowed so well I don't think there was ever a moment where I was jarred out of the scene. [spoilers now] As far as my predictions, I'm damnation interested to learn what happened to Willow when she tried to crush the bug. Because it kept squirming, I wonder if she has some sort of healing ability. I have a hard time disliking Sabina. It seemed like she was just trying too hard to be unlikable. I know that she's meant to come off as a bully, but I'm a huge fan of characters who "grow up" and away from your first impressions. Those journeys have to be tough; they have to earn their happy ending, as it were. That's what makes them so much fun to read, though. So I'll be quietly rooting for her to become a supporting character instead of an antagonist The giants attacking . . . I know inspiration is a varied and wild thing, but I couldn't help picturing Attack on Titan. Which, for me at least, drew me in further. I'm really curious to see what;s going on there. Are they savage? Are they misunderstood? What changed to cause their attacks? Perhaps the giants and Scripture are tied, somehow. Maybe the Guardians' abilities brought them about? What if a Guardian had the ability to control them? Just my speculation . . . Some very minor things I noticed: On the third page, "none were than the threat the footprint spoke of." Same page, "The folk on wall were busy lighting the fires" - That's the name of my new fantasy race, the Fol'kon. (Get it? Like, "that's the name of my new band" . . . ok.) Same page, "Old folk were herding children toward mine" Please, by all means, carry on. I can't wait to read more.

The first draft of the Prologue and Ch. 1 for my epic fantasy novel. I was only going to show the Prologue by itself initially, but it seemed to fall flat without rolling directly into the first chapter. Still comfortably under 5000 words though. I hope you enjoy!

And here I was, rereading my post and thinking I came off as pretentious Glad to be home! As I supposed would go without saying, discovering Sanderson was the last nudge I needed to really dive headlong into writing. So, in a way, I really do feel like I belong here--with everyone else who shares a similar story. Yeah, that's what I'm most excited about and afraid of. This is my first draft, so frankly it's still disappointing to me. I would like to start gathering feedback for future revisions sooner rather than later though, and hopefully I can identify any serious issues with the plot or character progression before it's too late to fix them. I've been churning on my epic fantasy world for years, and I would like to give it the best chance I can.

Hey, my name's Mitch! I've lurked the forums for a while, before I finally decided to get on my horse and ride. So to speak. I write because I have a lot of time to make up for. In my younger and more vulnerable years I held a bit of a soft spot for creative endeavors, but of course, that's a big no-no when others have high hopes for your predetermined career of wealth and plenty in the computer field. I fumbled along for a while--frankly I'm not that bad at the Computer Sciences--but it was a lone Creative Writing class I managed to squeeze in that really rekindled my heart. Disappointing as many people as I possibly could, I pulled out of college completely, settled down with a day job and a wife, and started setting words to page. Now, I have a novella under my belt, which shall never see the light of day aside from family coffee tables. I'm chugging along on an epic fantasy novel and short stories as they come to me, and I've even ventured into the wild and exciting world of freelance writing! I tell you, getting paid to pursue your passion . . . the amount is entirely irrelevant. It is the single most affirming thing I have ever done for myself. Perhaps a bit too touchy-feely, but there it is. That's what drives me to write--finally realizing it's all I've ever wanted to do. Some of my favorite books aside from Sanderson's trove: The Redwall series, by Brian Jacques. You just can't beat the simple, repetitious formula and wide-eyed joy that Jacques infuses into his world. They never fail to cheer me up, and serve as proof that if your first book is good enough, you can copy it for decades with minor alterations and it's still worth reading on a lazy summer afternoon. The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald. I guess I just read it at the right time of life, but it really struck a chord. The characters are masterfully wrought, and it's really remarkable to me how Fitzgerald manages to weave such a strong melancholy through the entire book. If you're a fan of it as well, you have to try listening to Switchfoot's Daisy while reading the final chapter. I'm a big believer in mingling music with literature, and this pairs like cheese and a fine wine.

Thank you! So, do I wait to follow the submission process on the day of the 4th, or do I submit as soon as it's ready before the 4th?

I feel as though the story promises we will learn more about Julia's dreams, and how those affect her drawings. Perhaps more nightmares, and then more about the person in the half-finished drawing!

I have a chapter prepped--the prologue for an epic fantasy novel. Next week, I suppose?

This review will contain spoilers and excerpts from Ch. 1, so be forewarned if you have yet to read it! Rather than listing my positive feedback first and following up with my critiques, I'll be listing them in order as I encounter them. This is all my own humble opinion and perspective. I felt like I hard a hard time immediately connecting with the characters--maybe a prologue is in order? The final night with her parents could work if you're vague enough to allow for her explanation to Christopher to fill in the gaps for the reader as well. Maybe her final night with Dr. Foster? Maybe a prologue is unnecessary after all, but I do feel like it took a bit for me to get into the swing of things. "They lived in Quincy, a relatively quiet suburban town south of Boston, along the shore." This seems a little out of place, and stands out like a neon sign in its paragraph because of how it breaks the flow. Maybe find another way to phrase it, something like this: "They drove along the coast toward their home in the quiet, suburban town of Quincy, situated just south of Boston." Early on in the story, I felt like the abundance of minor details and similies was a bit distracting. Perhaps try to find the ones you really believe in, and then see if the rest can't be rephrased. You seemed to hit a better stride with details, in my opinion, toward the second half of the chapter. The dialogue between Christopher and Julia is really good. It felt like a real conversation, and flowed quite nicely. A pleasure to read! "Or perhaps she was waiting back in Dr. Foster’s office alongside his ghost, the two forever locked in a metaphysical chess game while Julia had made a new home for herself in the world of the living." This is an awesome image. I love this, it just works so well. The half-finished drawing from her nightmare is very compelling. That really invests me in the story, because now I'm eager to learn more about that, and what role the imposing figure plays in the narrative. Judging by the name of the story, I'm excited at the prospects. So there you have it! I'm looking forward to reading more, Mr. Wednesday. Well done!