Tariniel

Going to sit down tomorrow and make a long list of revisions based on all of your critiques. Thanks so much! My only question is whether you guys think I should go back and do a heavy revision or completely rewrite the entire story? The character monologues I've been writing for the main characters have really helped me get a stronger grip on each of their personalities and pasts. Hopefully that will make them seem more alive to the reader. Can that be done effectively without scrapping it all, or is that really the best course to take? Oh, as a side note, if anyone can help me out with a little brainstorming on how to explain the connection between the wolf and Kazer without being too obvious, that would be extremely helpful. I've already removed the logger POV from the equation, but I really wanted to make sure the logistics of what happened in the final scene are as clear as possible.

A war breaker movie. I think that magic system would look great on screen. Would you rather be one of the maids in the Davar household or in a noble's house on Scadrial (pre-Harmony)?

I'm not quite sure where I read this, but I saw a thread somewhere that claimed VenDell's description in BoM starts at a "dark brown coat" and then lightens up throughout the book, finally reaching a tan coloring. This seems suspiciously like he has Breaths... Haven't had a chance to look this up, but if anyone can find the original post and quote it here, I'd be much obliged. Seems like a strong candidate for our rogue kandra friend!

Inquisitor. Would you rather be a spren without thought (not bonded) or a kandra without its spikes?

Wayne. I'd give him whatever he wanted just to see how he'd steal it lol Would you rather be Kelsier or Kaladin?

Hey Mandamon! Thanks for taking the plot angle on this one. It's a nice break from the more abstract path of thought on character dimensionality and development that the others have put me on. Yeah, that is likely going to be changed into Kazer's POV. I was definitely taking the easy way out on that one, and an avoided challenge is simply a missed learning experience. Here's one of the places I'm having the most trouble with. I actually inserted in the scene where Kazer notices the relationship between the leafling and the moss as a way of trying to explain all this, but without being too over the top... Obviously didn't work as well as I'd hoped. Any chance you guys can help me brainstorm ways I can convey the information to the reader without being too "tell-y?" Thanks for all the great critiques you guys have given! Having someone else read my work has made me aware of several things I never would have noticed on my own. kaisa especially has opened my mind not only to unconscious gender biases, but also to how much more flavor can be added to a story simply by changing the characters' genders around. Thanks!

This is so cool! Thanks for compiling all that info, must have taken several hours of hard work...

Great points, all of them. Thanks! I was especially interested in the comments about the logger. I hadn't meant for him to be a major character, but I can see how making him one of the focal points for suspicion could give off that impression. Thanks for opening my eyes to this.

Hey! Just popping in to add my two cents to what kaisa already said above. By the way, I should mention that it's great to be able to welcome someone new into this group aside from myself, so thanks for unintentionally joining with me First and foremost I loved the story! Great action throughout, and I also felt it was paced at quite a decent clip. I really liked how the environment heavily influenced the character's actions, as it made the cold mountains seem all the more real to me. Can't wait to see what else you have in store for this world! I did have a little trouble feeling for the character himself, however, likely because I don't have much of a reason to care about Elias or what happened to him. I do think that can be somewhat excused due to this being a prologue scene, but... There were also times, specifically after Elias killed the grey cloaked man, when the short, choppy sentences annoyed me a little. I'm assuming you were trying to speed up the pace of the narrative, but a longer sentence just to balance things out can go a long way as well. Don't get me wrong, during the fight scenes they were great, it's just that I personally wasn't so fond of them in the immediately following reflection scenes... As for Stormarast (love that name!) I think we can all agree that his death could be seen a long way off. I have to admit that that small change on page 6, though, when the man says to "Leave the horse, for now." definitely threw me off. I let my guard down for just enough time that I believed for a second the horse would survive. Still got the "knew that was coming" feeling when he saved Elias, but it was much closer to the surprising, yet inevitable ending than if that little twist hadn't been in there. Kudos for that! Now here's my little martial arts brain nitpicking at something... At times, I felt like you were ignoring the factor of momentum and the role it plays in a fight. For example, if the wolf is leaping towards him and Elias cuts its throat (bottom of page 5), the wolf's momentum would still carry it into Elias, likely knocking him down. Unless, Elias moved aside as he was slicing? Maybe I'm just confused by the blocking here... All in all, a great start to what I'm hoping will be an even greater story! Just this little piece had the perfect rise and fall in action, showing the natural talent that you have. Thanks for the read! This is golden! It's little things like this that can slowly build a world in the reader's mind without them noticing it, until, when they suddenly look up, they're in a completely different place. Nifty little trick to learn...

Hey Hobbit! Lots of great things to work with here. I'm definitely sensing a theme of confusion here, so my first focus will obviously be building sympathy for the characters and making the ending clearer. I especially liked your suggestions for making Tess more three-dimensional, though. I'll try them all out and see how they work, particularly the first-person narrative. That sounds like a great way to really dig into her character! Still laughing about kaisa catching us both on the same mistake

Going to go back to the working table on this one... Thanks for the advice! I'm clearly going to have to revise the ending quite a bit. The idea was actually a twist on the generic werewolf story, where instead of the human turning into a wolflike creature during full moon, they are actually separate entities that combine through proximity. The wolf is his own being, as is the human, in this case, Kazer. They are bonded, which gives the wolf sentience and enhances Kazer's senses, and when they get close to one another they become the beast- kind of like a werewolf that is both of them and neither at the same time. Neither knows this, however. All they feel is an strong pull towards one another, which is why they are actually hunting each other. This was supposed to drive the plot, at least behind the scenes... Need to go back and change quite a bit. Thanks!

Thanks for the feedback! Lost of things to work with here, but let me clear up something I should've made more obvious in the post's title. This is actually a story on its own, not a beginning chapter to one. Definitely should have put that somewhere... Well, learning as I go, I guess That said, most of the things you mentioned still apply, so let's see how we can fix this: Yup, I obviously have very limited experience with regard to forests. I've been in one once or twice, but not nearly enough to catch these now obvious mistakes. Thanks for the heads up! The confusing aspect of having multiple POV's in a short story was not lost on me, and is probably not something I would do if this was the first chapter in a novel. In this specific story, however, I felt that giving both sides gave me more room to work with. I am aware that can be quite jarring though, but I couldn't think of any other ways of setting up the reveal of Kazer finding the fur in Tess' tent. Any ideas? Just realized I missed an important one! This is something I know I have a problem with. Do you have any suggestions as to how I might change that fact? This was completely accidental! The funny thing is that I was recently listening to a writing excuses episode where they talked about sexism in fiction and this didn't even cross my mind! Now it is very obvious that she is kind of the stereotypical female character throughout the story, who even dies at the end... (This is me face-palming btw) The original idea was to have Kazer finally break his emotional barrier, dropping the reader's guard for when it is revealed that she's not the beast. Not the happiest of endings. It is so central to the story, however, that I have absolutely no idea how to fix this. Would making the reader care more for her earlier in the story help at all? I'm kind of on uncharted ground here, so any help would be great! I had a lot of trouble with this scene, then finally decided to make her accept it so as not to stop my momentum. The manipulative feel was not what I was shooting for, of course, but how could I keep the flow moving towards the ending? Summary: The main thing I want to change is Tess, and the sympathy for the characters overall. Hopefully that will help with the ending as well. How exactly could I make her more sympathetic? BTW: The idea is that the bond gave the Wolf sentience and enhanced Kazer's senses. That was supposed to be under the radar, but the fact that proximity is what triggers the union was supposed to be known by the end. Was that clear enough or should I make it more obvious?

Thanks so much! Love your work, btw. Definitely learned quite a bit just from reading your posts. Hope to be there myself someday

Marita just brought to my attention that I missed the Email List and Submission Dates Forum I'm really sorry if I messed up anyone's schedule, and I’ll totally understand if you guys don’t have the time to read it. If anyone does, however, I set up this thread. Going to sit and start reading up on all the information I missed out on, and hopefully no more of these mistakes from here on out. Thanks for your patience with me!

Hey everyone! Now, I know this is a bit like an orator reminding everyone he’s not that great at public speaking, but... I should mention that this is the first time I am sharing anything I’ve written, both on reading excuses and ever, so I have absolutely no idea how this will go. I’m at that weird point in my writing (I’m sure many of you can relate), where I can tell exactly what a great piece of art is…and what isn’t. I haven’t had a lot of time to develop my writing skill itself, although I am trying to start a daily habit of writing at least 300 words per day. Going strong, so far. Until now, however, I’ve been working in writing excuses, Brandon’s college lectures, and practically any writing advice I can listen to on the go. They’ve greatly expanded my knowledge contextually, but obviously haven’t done much to improve my actual writing. The only way to do that is through practice. And so, I give you my attempt at practice. I’m aware it’s likely not very good, but I would appreciate any advice you guys can give me on it, no matter how long-winded. If you see anything that I can better in the story, go for it. (If I had to specify something I’d say I wanted to know how the flow/pacing of the story is coming across, as well as whether I am fulfilling promises. I feel like those are the first things I want to start working on.) I really do enjoy learning about writing, and having the advice be on an actual piece of my own writing does much to drive the points home. I’m really shooting for that eye-opening, “Wow, that really is a golden piece of advice,” but really I just wanted to break into the community. Let’s hope this works Thanks so much! P.S. I can’t for the life of me think of a satisfying title. Calling it “The Wolf” as a placeholder for now, but if any of you have suggestions, please throw them at me. Thanks again!

Hello people