Endurant Archivist

(More more tangent...) This "A Dark Room" is pretty fantastic! I've just started, but it's got an interesting concept behind how the story develops. I wonder how they developed it? Do you guys know?

@andyk got it! Even though not everyone agrees on the visuals, I think there's bits I can add that will help establish the world as seen by the characters. That'll help a variety of readers. I'm including more info on the pistol in this, which will be brought up in more detail. Not much more detail, because I want people wondering about it, but I'll expound a bit. Great thought. @Mandamon I'll go to the style guide on this. I was putting it in past tense, then using gerunds to explain the action, piece by piece. I might be doing this incorrectly. In fact, I'm pretty sure I am (just did research). I'll rework these in the edit stage. Thanks. Paul's perspective was focused on that the trap didn't work right. They still won, but it wasn't as clear that they would to Paul, till after. @Robinski Bryth's lines will need slight work. He's put off that Paul is in charge with so little actual experience. But he follows orders. He shouldn't come across TOO snarky though. He likes Paul, but doesn't think he's proven himself yet and that he'll get them all killed, especially given what's coming. I'll see how I can word it better. As far as your view of the world, it's very close to what I wanted to convey. Still a sprinkling of descriptive words could help sharpen the image. And the sun is visible from over the trees. I'll reword it. Agreed on pacing. But technically, I think he's right. I switched tenses. I like the structure though, which I'll keep, to convey a whole thought and keep the reader focused. Thanks guys, your thoughts are appreciated. I'll get you more this upcoming week.

I agree with @andyk. The characters are all dynamic and you can tell a lot about who they'll be and how they'll act, just from the word choices and description. But the jump in tone is...difficult to swallow. *Note* I'll work to remove my beliefs as a whole from this story, but I want you to realize I do have strong beliefs, so I want you to know because they've slanted my view of your story and my review. The change from the first chapter, serious, flirtatious, possible heist, danger, virtuousness found in crime–is all undermined by your second chapter. People seem surreal, their tones widely ranging (ex. Peter, Paul and the elevator man). Seth and Candace are well researched, each with measured thoughts and reactions. But the elevator man and Paul...seem more like they've been pulled from a comedy and placed in a gritty book. Candace's reaction to either of them would be, I think, much more aggressive, well before finding out what they want at the end of chapter 2. As a reader, I would have stopped reading your book at this point. Much of it has to do with my POV, but also deals with how whimsical it became in chapter 2. I'm struggling to be thorough in this review. I was very, VERY, surprised by the direction you took in this second chapter. I felt...a little cheated. Like I'd pick up a book, expecting one thing and I got another. My expression might have been comical when I started reading this chapter this morning Hope you know, I'll keep reading and offering critiques. Paul is a well written character, though I find the idea behind reimagining the apostle this way...distasteful. So, I hope you'll keep working through the book and that this review helps. And I hope I haven't come across as overbearing. Just trying to be clear cut and honest so you can make whatever changes you want.

I will. Shoot me your email and move this over to the Reading Excuses thread, where most of the information you need will be. I'll be getting more info up their today, so keep an eye out. Looking forward to this class!

Well, we'll try it out then. Tomorrow I'll post to this thread with some more information on the drive and invite you guys to try it out. I'll put a test document in the folder and you can just mess with it to see what features are there. Edit: Alright, I've set up the Shared Folder, let me know if you got the invite. If not, shoot me an email and I'll get it to you. Try out the test document see how writing/editing works for you! -Updated- If you want, let's start tossing around some ideas for our possible novellas here. We'll try to keep it pretty clear, but this thread can hold that kind of info, no problem! Currently, I'm laying out a plot involving characters from an old adventure discovering a new world. But I'm using a new character, telling it from his perspective and he's the one who makes the wrong choice in friends resulting in the death of a friend–he has to make it right in 30,000 words (less maybe if he messes up around the 1/4 mark). What do you think?

That's a good idea. Or instead of hair or some object, you have to be close to or touching someone else to pull power. In my mind, I'm thinking of a man who's running, he stops and finds someone else, taking their muscle energy. That guy would feel wiped out and tired, but would recover, the manipulator could keep running. Things like that. If given enough time, one could heal a mortal wound, but it would take a lot from the other person, possibly killing them. I was also considering the impact a manipulator could have on farming. Drawing energy to a failing crop, sustaining them longer or through the winter months. What do you think?

@Aleksiel I can see your point, it does touch on plot elements in stories down the road. Much of it has to do with the gene's reaction to the particle. More on that some other time. These questions you guys are bringing up are definitely being considered, but I'll admit, we've gotten off track. The plot elements and science behind it are what will drive emotions and characters and–if you want–we can chat about that in another thread, I'll start it up. Those kinds of points about scarcity and it's effect on mindsets are true, they'll drive economies and ideas if their population ever gets to that point. Having said that, currently, I was just trying to flesh out a bit more of what could be done from other people's perspectives. I'm not so much worried about the plot impact as I am what you guys could imagine a manipulator is capable of. Build incredible buildings by transforming the elements? Transport heavy objects hundreds of kilometers in several days instead of weeks? Heat air balloons on their own? Burn down a building and walk out unscathed? All that to say, I'm taking these ideas down and thanks for pointing things out, but what would you do with the powers, if you were a manipulator?

@Swimmingly there's a lot that will go into the background of births in the stories themselves. So, what do you think you would do with these powers?

If you die with the ability, it's lost. The particle manipulation has science behind it (more on that some other time) but it will shift from parent to first child (usually). There are some occasions where twins will both have the ability.

The plus side of Google Docs is that it's web based. This means I could set up a folder and you would use GD, add comments + thoughts + write, then you could export as a .doc file. It's up to you guys, if you don't have experience with it, let's not add too many variables to the game plan. But it could be something you might check out, to use later. It's how I write, except recently when I've been working out of pages for easier conversion to epub (and it's local on my computer).

@Swimmingly the idea of special minted coins is awesome! It definitely could come in handy later. I'll answer your questions in sequence. As of the story I'm writing, special minting isn't an issue yet. The Manipulators themselves hardly understand what's going on, commoners less so. I don't think they'll need sticky points. I'll adjust it so that after you manipulate an element two or three times, it becomes unstable from the changes. It could settle, but maybe it could take months, leaving a residue effect. Also, elements that have other elements present disrupt the process. Meaning, you could change some iron in a composite metal, but if there were specks of gold in it, you would have trouble making much of anything until you separated them, requiring time and energy. But you could shift parts at a time. Or, like you said, shift large bubbles of oxygen to something else, wrecking havoc. Molar mass will come from the elements around it. If you're working with 25 FE and you shift it up three times to 28 CU, the new copper will have taken mass from the iron. Meaning it would decrease the total amount of something you have (Iron is x amount big, Copper is not x-3 amount big) if you see what I mean. I'll admit I may not have a complete understand of the mass, so correct me if I'm wrong. With the adjustment to the shifting ability, manipulators will still be incredibly versatile in invention and industry. In my story, there could be some holdups involved with their progress. More on that some other time. @Aleksiel the decay of one object needs to be similar to the other object. Using your example, food would need to be renewed using similar food. The wall could be decayed if it were renewing another stone. In my head, I was considering the possibilities that being able to adjust the particles in an element would open, and sustaining one particle at the cost of another made sense (taking something and putting it somewhere else) They can burn their hands, if they are not focusing or unprepared. It's already happened in my book. Changing Iron to Cobalt in the blood would be difficult because there are so many other elements stopping the effects. In small amounts, yes, but too small for it to be effective in the middle of a fight. Maybe to poison someone though. The Manipulators could be assassins and thieves. There's a few reasons they won't be immediately, PM me if you want more info on that, but it doesn't have bearing on this thread. @Chrono that's a possibility, if they reach that stage. Good idea. What do you think about the impact of them on engineering? Ok, with those questions/comments (hopefully) answered, I'd like to put some more adjustments in place. Shifting particles is now not restricted to only moving them 100 kilometers away. It is now to specific locations that are 7 kilometers apart (meaning the places they shift TO are 7k apart, they can shift to the closest one. These points form triangular shifting locations across the surface of the planet [this is tied to a larger principle that I am still working on].) This requires incredible concentration and can leave them drained, but can be easier if a point is used for frequent shifting (meaning it's used by most manipulators). It is not currently understood by my characters, but I want to know what you would do with it if you could. I should note that it is possible to shift into the air or underground. The consequences should be obvious if you mess up which direction you're shifting. I already mentioned the switch of destabilizing elements after two or three shifts. This leaves them effectively unable to shift for several months. Theoretically, you could, over the course of years, make gold from iron. But it would be difficult. The ability to effect particles will leave the parent when they have a child. (This adds some interesting implications for the idea of choosing when to pass on the ability) This is long, hopefully it isn't overwhelming. Thanks for your thoughts so far, I'm eager to hear more of them!

The beginning of the story that takes place in the world of Alden, during the beginning of a war that will engulf the entire chain of the Island Kingdoms. Excited to hear your thoughts this Monday!

I've got something for the 14th as well. 1000 words, the beginning of my book, "Resistance" which I'm rewriting portions of.

I've watched a few of the videos, to make sure they're working–as far as I can tell, no login is needed except to critique. Actually, I've been meaning to ask you guys, how do you feel like critiquing should work? We're used to having an email with submissions (which reminds me I need to submit one this week) and then setting up a thread for critiques. What about trying to use comments and changes in something like Google Docs online? Review it and then the author has the notes all in one doc? I'm open to suggestions here.

@Aleksiel That isn't an issue yet in this world. Precious metals are used, as well as extensive bartering. Keep in mind that manipulators would need pure platinum or mercury to create gold. They could take other ores and work them up the table, but it would be an intensive process requiring extensive knowledge. As it stands, its currently not an issue. Though it could be. I think that would make a unique impact on the world, how they operate. What do you think about leaving it to see how it impacts the world eventually? @Swimmingly those are amusing thoughts. I might want to review how long transfers take place. It might just depend on the amount of force Manipulators put on pure objects. The oxygen in the air is a good one, but it might not be super effective. I don't have definites yet, but in my head, I'm not thinking gases are as easy because they're dispersed. There's a lot of stuff in the air. Now the oxygen in someone's lungs...that could be a problem for the person.

You've already got mine. I'll talk with the two friends of mine who are off this forum about it. We can absolutely brainstorm! We'll get started informally this Monday and throw around story ideas. Let's start talking about it in this thread then and in a few days we should try to get together on a chat, real time, just to say hello and mull over ideas. Also, could you guys PM me your emails as well? I'm going to get an email reminder set for us, probably twice a week, once for updates and once to remind us to submit and review work. Thanks.

Alright, I've got some more information for you guys about the course. So far, it'll be about five or six people, which should be great for keeping up with submissions and keeping each other psyched to learn more about the art of writing! Here's the start date: July 21 I laid out how most people are going to follow the lectures week to week. Feel free to tweak this as you'd like. 7/21-7/27: Lecture 1 7/28-8/3: Lecture 2 & Lecture 3 (1-3) 8/4-8/10: Lecture 3 (4-7) & Lecture 4 (1-6) 8/11-8/17: Lecture 4 (7-10) & Lecture 5 & Lecture 6 (1-2) 8/18-8/24: Lecture 6 (3-10) & Lecture 7 (1-4) 8/25-8/31: Lecture 7 (5-7) & Lecture 8 & Lecture 9 (1-2) 9/1-9/7: Lecture 9 (3-7) & Lecture 10 (1-6) 9/8-9/14: Lecture 10 (7-8) & Lecture 11 9/15-9/21: Lecture 12 & Lecture 13 9/22-9/28: Lecture 14 & Lecture 15 9/29-10/5: Makeup Week 10/6-10/12: Last Submission Week As for submissions, Mandamon has the Alpha Reader's dropbox already set up, so that might be the best. But if you have other ideas for submissions, just let me know! I can't wait to get started!

I've been working for some time on a "magic" system for my universe. This system was built to support a more mystical element of my story for readers, but I needed to understand it's limitations clearly as the author. So, I'm wondering. If I give you guys three rules, could you tell me, if you had those abilities–what would you be able to do? Some background. In my universe, there is a discovery of a particle that effects the status of elements. Meaning, these particles are what tells elements what they are and where they are (imagine the code in a computer. Change it and you change the program itself). Here are the abilities: Manipulators can... Aggravate/Adjust the location of these particles inside atoms, resulting in the movement of the entire particle. Can force a shift of particles from one element to another. Repair decaying atoms and rejuvenate them by renewing their structure from another source. The constraints (Most important part and they correspond with their listed power. 1 to 1, 2 to 2) Aggravation means that you can speed up or slow down particles, resulting in hot/cold. (restrictions tie into #2 as to cascades) Particles can be moved if their location is changed, but only a specific distance. So you could move an object 100 kilometers away, then another 100, then another 100. It is restricted to 100 kilometers per shift Shifting an element is easier if it cascades. So you could take a block of 26 Fe: Iron and shift it fairly quickly to 25 Mn: Magnesium or 27 Co: Cobalt. But changing a whole block of composite stone would likely fail because of different particles. You could change pieces of it though, one at a time. Decaying atoms take the energy from other compatible sources. So a plant could be kept alive if you have another plant near it that you transfer energy from. Two more things. Adjusting the particles is tasking, meaning that burnout can happen quickly the less training and skill you have. Also, Manipulators live for a long time, roughly 250 years because of their abilities to rejuvenate. But they go insane. There is no known cure. This is a lot, but if you have questions, just send them my way. I'm excited to hear what awesome stuff you could do with this! Have at it

@Cstryon just use an online resource, like D&D instructions > http://dungeonsmaster.com/2010/01/a-beginners-guide-to-dungeons-dragons-part-1/ Not perfect, but you'd just start modeling your wording and descriptions off of that as a template. Also, I would take some time to define your magic into two or three simple principles. Ex. User can manipulate the movement of elements in any direction for x amount of distance. That way, it's much more clear then something like–manipulate space and time. I don't say that to be rude, I say it like someone who literally sat down last week to set down two clear-cut principles of my "magic" system. Ex. I pared it down from generic "I throw boulders with my mind!!" to specific "I can order the particles of earth to move as I want them too as fast as gravity/wind resistance allows" (this is not, in fact, one of my magic principles. Just an example.) Also, read through Sanderson's own rules of magic. http://brandonsanderson.com/sandersons-first-law/ (There are three laws on his blog). He's clearly got magic down pat, so he's a terrific resource. Hope this helps!

Just finished Stardust by Neil Gaiman last night. It had well-crafted language and description. But the ending...it felt like it just ended. Nothing made sense in light of the characters previous actions. Has anyone else read it? I'd be curious to hear your thoughts.

Yeah, she was hit by a car. I'm curious to see what happens next!

Great job with creating a situation that kept me interested. The police officers had a good dialog between themselves and were believable as people when they interrupted the argument between the couple then taking the guy back for processing. Candace was a strong character, with serious thoughts, emotions and spunk. It felt very drawn out, the time I spend in her head, looking for an exit, wanting to leave. Also, I'm not sure what would be so bad that two normal officers would realize who she is if she just got up and left. On a note about the cafe, I'm not sure if anyone actually just sits in the cafe to drink their coffee. If I get coffee, I leave. Or I'm with someone and I sit down. Or I have my computer or story work. Could she be doing something that she has spread around the table? Seth's flirtation wasn't bad, though towards the end, when she was leaving, it seemed like he was straying from what someone would actually say. "My fallen angel" Seemed...strange Could you include more about her heist earlier? I didn't know what she was like a cat trapped in a corner till near the end. And maybe explain what happened (like what went wrong) that forces her to stay hidden. The tattoo was an interesting element, I'm eager to find out more about it. Good eye on Seth's part to see it. I might have mentioned the mirror earlier, so that the reader knows it's there and it's not suddenly existing when Seth notices the tattoo through it. Looking forward to finding out what happens after the crash.

I save the entire book as a single file. Then I keep multiple files for major revisions, including the date revisions began. Then I keep the completed edition that I'm selling in a "Completed Novel" folder. This way, I can access old information, while also have a one stop folder for my currently available novels and short stories. @JoshuaAmarelo what about you? @Sunshine does it help you separate the thoughts between chapters? I tried that–then found that I couldn't tie the chapters together well.

You're in

I can't have it ready by then, sorry. It's a restructuring of a book I already self published, just looking to improve it and put it back on amazon. But I just got to it, so I need a few days