Mark

I also have another submission for Monday. I hope it's okay, I know I submitted last week and he week before too.

Forewarning, this is all personal opinion. I'm afraid I didn't like this one. The topic was interesting, but a bit too heavy handed for my liking. And the medium you chose for getting the information across was terrible - an interview on television. The amount of detail that you did put in seemed off, I'd have been wondering why the interviewee was rambling on if I were watching, and yet was not enough for the story. I got no sense of the people, or the place they were in. The little leaps back and forth from interview time to the past were disconcerting, and made it difficult to follow. There was no tension, or drama. I didn't care for any of the characters. And finally, I couldn't fully understand what was happening back in the past. Again, all personal opinion. I'm sure you'll find people that enjoyed it, as I enjoyed some of your other works.

Thanks for all your points, Tal. And no, the minotaur sequence was not before wyvern blood was discovered.

I'm very glad you enjoyed it, thank you. Thinking about it, Aldo did seem to be a bit all over the place. I was trying to get across the confusion of a teenager's emotions in a stressful situation, but I may have overdone it. Thanks for pointing that out. What you said above was great, and while I'd be happy with additional critiquing, don't feel obliged to. Cheers, Mark.

I'll start this off by saying that I like this piece. I was engaged the entire time, could picture the scenes and people easily, and genuinely enjoyed reading it. My only real problem is with mechanics, such as spelling and grammar. I've pointed out a few below. A small error in the first paragraph, 'work' in our household isn't grammatically correct. Again in the second, I don't believe hair can fall 'into' one's face. Perhaps over? Repetition in the third part, second paragraph, of 'needed'. 'Full of live' should be 'full of life'. At the end of the third part his line of thinking is a bit off. Trust me, if I were to ask a girl I liked how her day was and she responded with that, I would be dreaming up a dozen reasons why she hated me, not shrugging it off. In a few places, commas might be put to good use. For example: "She seemed to stare into the distance and wore a solemn expression." It feels rather like a run-on sentence, and a comma after 'distance' would help break it up a bit. Just my opinion. Another spelling mistake - "She’s unusual shy today." Should be 'unusually'. I enjoyed the mystery of what happened to Elyse, and am genuinely interested in the circumstances behind her memory loss. I'm guessing that the father creates the fans by absorbing the image in front of him onto his piece, and she got caught in the image which trapped her personality in the fan? All guesswork of course. James seemed at times to be a bit too persistent, not creepy, but just a tad too far for my liking. That's just my personal feelings on the matter though, and says nothing about your writing. Thanks for the submission, molah. I look forward to reading part 2.

Any and all critique is appreciated, as always. Oh and the email has two attachments, Sample23 is the one you want. Thank you. Mark.

I see what you mean molah, and I agree completely. I shouldn't have talked back to her, I'll control myself from now on.

Thanks Silk. And yes, it is quite easy to download the google doc as any file you want. And I checked out the thread and damnation, EndurantArchivist sure planned it out well. It looks like a really good system, I'd happily use it, though obviously not as a complete substitute for the current system. Thanks for pointing it out to me.

I am outraged by this misrepresentation. A minotaur is a kind, loving animal who only has mild anger management issues. And I would certainly not react that way to a kiss.

Silk I was wondering what the rules are for linking google docs files? I do all of my work there, so it'd be easier to just link directly to there. No worries if it isn't allowed, though.

damnation, sorry I didn't pick up on that. So it's a testament to the overwhelming stupidity of mankind? Still a good idea. I'll have a look at 'Washed Orchards' now.

I've got the next couple of chapters ready to go, so could I be put on the list for next Monday please?

Whoops, I'll go correct those. As for the magic hint, I'll quote the bit I added. It is easy to miss. I didn't want to smack it into the reader's face. And as for the last point, you of course are entitled to an opinion, but the rest of the story revolves around Aldo winning by using magic, it's quite important. Thank you for the input, though.

I'm a bit late to the party, but figured I'd comment anyway. I got a distinct sense of Isaac Asimov in this, particularly 'The Last Question', which is good. Unfortunately, this wasn't as clear, so I wasn't so sure what was going on. I did like the writing style though. I was going to point out the grammar errors, but it seems they have already been addressed. Those you can learn to avoid in time, I don't see them as too big of a deal. I would have liked to have understood it better, as I was genuinely interested in what was going on. The idea of a giant corporation destroying the planet is an intriguing one, reminds me of WALL-E. All in all I liked it, and I look forward to reading more of your stuff (and hopefully understanding it!).

I thoroughly enjoyed this story. My only gripe was at the very beginning. Something about chirping and singing birds always puts me off, like the author is trying to bludgeon into my head how happy things are. Other than that, it was just really enjoyable. Maybe Chad dying is over the top, and it's funny how it's always a Chad, right? Bloody Chads. The casual conversation between Mark and Todd while Chad was... relieving himself, was hilarious. I loved your descriptions too. I know it isn't exactly a lengthy critique, so I'm sorry about that. But I did really like it. Keep up the good work, hope to read more!

@Tal Spektor I have a google docs file, but unfortunately it is one I've tweaked somewhat since receiving critiques, so things will be different. You can find it here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EAe9oUJyrQQCrfmUg0NGVSKfkYwaRi7ap_Je2J5jpBw/edit I am not actually a vegan, no. Full carnivore over here. But that doesn't stop me from humanising animals in a fantasy setting. And you are absolutely not stupid not to have figured out that they were minotaurs, that was completely my mistake. Competing in the trials is not something that is forced on people, and it isn't segregated by wealth, gender or ethnicity. It is open to all, hence a spoilt rich boy and a poor farm boy fighting together. The names are all of Latin origin, hence the bodyguard being named Brutus. It has nothing to do with Caesar, and the same is true of Julia. Fortunately, you are incorrect on the sexualities front. This is similar to Roman culture, remember, where non-straight sexualities were actually accepted. Neither are straight. Also I don't want to spoil things so I won't talk about Julia and Aldo's relationship, but I wound suggest you keep assumptions based on clichéd fantasy stories to the minimum, as this story will not be following the standard layout. The logic behind the games is not immediately evident, but it does become clear later on. I would assume he knew the official's sight was okay as the man did not peer, or require spectacles. That is a very good point of the wooden sword part, I have corrected that. And yes, Aldo is a complete jerk. She was too emotional, you are also correct there. I have fixed that mistake too. Also so would I, she undoubtedly deserved it, but life isn't fair in the real world, and it isn't here either. I would really appreciate you pointing out the typos, thanks!

I'm responding to all the critiques, I'm not sure if this is what I'm supposed to do? I feel like I should address people's points to let them know I'm working on the problems they find? Anyway, @Ash I'm glad you liked my humanising of the minotaurs. I've always loved the idea of one, and I wanted them to not be raving animals in labyrinths, for a change. Aldo is not meant to be liked, yet, so yes it is by design. The space between paragraphs is just a personal preference, and an extension from school where we leave spaces for teachers to right commentary on the essay itself. Thanks for the critique, Ash.

The height part is something I haven't heard before, and definitely makes sense, so I'll have a go at remedying that. I've also gone back and mentioned that they are minotaurs in I believe the second paragraph, though of course I can't change the file you're reading. And the imp part is unfair, for some reason that didn't occur to me. I'll fix that too. You're right about Aldo being unsympathetic. I've written him as a prick, but if you manage to stick with him long enough (I hope he isn't so infuriating that this is impossible) that I think you will begin to empathise with him. Julia is definitely the more likeable of the two, I'll give you that! Reading over it, her come-on is very unnatural. I have fixed it, I hope. The passive voice I am also working on. The prologue does eventually tie in, so while it is a bit of a non-subtle 'this is dark!' intro, it isn't completely useless. Thanks for the critique, really helpful.

@Lord Juugatsu I'll reiterate what I said to andyk, that's a big mistake of mine and I'm glad you called me out on it. I always forget that the reader can't see what I can. I'll go over that prologue. I actually like the idea of the standard human being incredibly menacing, but unfortunately this wasn't the case. I'll let you keep reading (if you want to!) to find out more. I agree, prologues are difficult. Personally, I don't like the Eddings route with walls of text about mystery and lore. I prefer GRRM's route, with a violent chapter that seems disconnected from the main story, but eventually ties in. That's what I was going for here. Thanks for the bit on Diego, you hit the nail on the head with a lot of what I was going for. Oh yes, he's privileged as hell. I'm quite tired of the farmboy route, thought I'd mix it up (though this has probably been done hundreds of times before too!) And you're right, it was sudden. I might go back and throw in a hint to it earlier in the chapter. Don't worry about it being a problem solver. I have its rules set out completely, and I do not intend to break them. The rest of the day part I knew was off, I'll go over it, might even remove it entirely. I'm going to be honest with you. I wasn't exactly taught about beats and pacing. I'm trying my best to figure these things out on my own, but there are obviously going to be glaring problems. I'll do some research on those things and see if I can fix my mistakes. Julia being creepy I addressed in my reply to andyk, I hope that clears a few things up. Thank you very much for the critique, it was really helpful. I hope to hear more from you in the future.

@andyk Okay, I've actually heard that complaint about the minotaurs before, and it falls into the exact same category as the overuse of pronouns. I can see it all in my head as a writer and I consistently forget that the reader does not have my knowledge. I'm going to do my best to fix this in a second draft. More names, less pronouns, and I'll get the word 'minotaur' in there quick. Okay, the Diego bit was sort of my attempt at breaking a trope, and making fun of it. He was a young, inexperienced orphan who'd watched his parents be killed by monsters, and now he wanted revenge. He enlisted in this tournament with no money or weapons, and was sent out to fight an imp. It's a set up for a standard fantasy story where he turns out to be excellent with the sword, becomes a hero and saves the day. Then he died. It was a minor stab at humour, and a bit of a set up for how dangerous and deadly this world is. I understand your problem with it, however. And I completely see where you're coming from with Julia. Her bit in the bar where she pushes herself onto him does come off as somewhat creepy/obsessive, but there is actually another reason for it. The next part of the trials is when the contestants fight each other, and Julia found out that she was to fight Aldo, eventually. She was trying to get close to him so he wouldn't want to hurt her. I can absolutely see where you would get that she was a love interest, though. I'll try to remedy that. Okay, Aldo winning... I did not consider that his cockiness would remove the tension, and then him winning would enforce the idea that he always wins. That might be a problem, thanks for bringing it up. The magic did come out of nowhere, yes. It was supposed to be a sudden and shocking occurrence. And though I know this sounds like a cop-out, the magic is shrouded in mystery in the world, not many people bar the Equos know details about it. I was trying to mirror this somewhat by keeping the reader in the dark. Seems that didn't work too well, so I'll start brainstorming other ways to work with it. Julia is an extremely competent fighter, better by far than Aldo. But she does have a temper, and some anger issues. I might have exaggerated it too much, though. Again, thanks for pointing that out. Thanks for the last bit, I appreciate it. There is a lot more to be revealed, and I look forward to sharing it with Reading Excuses.

Thanks for the critique, I appreciate it. Don't worry about it all being negative, I can take it. I would like to address some of your points, though. Aldo is not a Mary Sue. It might not be evident from the first chapter, but he isn't. I worked very hard to keep him away from being that. He is deeply flawed and, if you haven't noticed yet, a complete prick. He isn't supposed to be likeable, or perfect. The male novelist jokes I don't think I understand, unfortunately. *Edit*: I say I don't understand them because seem to be entirely lacking in humour at best, and downright sexist at worst. But whatever makes you giggle. Again you leap to conclusions with Julia. Just because she's a female who encounters the male in the first chapter doesn't mean she's his romantic interest, or even a main character. And she definitely doesn't need a man, I don't know why you'd assume that. The stinted and void of drama part I can't really defend, because I didn't realise it was a problem. You're the first person to say it to me. And are you saying that names work better than pronouns? I have been told that before, but it's something I struggle with. You tell me it breaks the Sanderson's Laws, and yet you've seen one instance of it. I do not like writing a wall of text on how a magic system works, it's boring. I will introduce details gradually, of course. I've read his laws and I agree entirely with them. I have an entire magic system set up that goes back hundreds of in-novel years, and ties in closely with the story. This includes limitations, I might add. I do appreciate you commenting here, but it seems like you made up your mind about my work the second you saw the intelligent male protagonist, and spent the rest of your time reading it looking for pieces that would enforce your opinion. What part of Julia made you think that she needs a man? That's just downright sexist. This is not some 'perfect young stud saves the princess' story, I never intended for that. I do not want to target that young adult market of teenage guys who just want wish fulfilment. I think next time when I make a thread I'll specify 'constructive criticism', but thank you all the same. And I would absolutely like any and all suggestions for improving it. Thanks again.

Many thanks to anyone who decides to critique, I really appreciate it!

Excellent, thank you! I'll send it now, and post the thread.

It's been a while since I was active around here, I've been awful busy with exams and school. Would I be able to submit a prologue and a first chapter for tomorrow, or maybe next Monday? I have a fair bit of work done that I want to run by you guys here, so I should hopefully be more active soon. I also obviously plan on giving critiques out as well. I don't want this to be a one way street.

My name's Mark, I'm a secondary student in Ireland. I started writing about seven or eight months ago, mostly so I didn't forget all the ideas buzzing about in my head. I've gotten absolutely no teaching in writing, except for some basic creative writing in primary school that pretty much came down to, "be yourself, you're s special little snowflake'. So yes, I'm in dire need of you guys' help. I was nearly 100k words into my first book when I realised I was writing utter garbage. I lost faith and energy, so I decided to start afresh with another. I'm now just a bit over 32k words in, it's slow going due to exams and school, but I'm getting there. I'm off for three months today, and I hope to have over 100k words finished by the end of summer (August - not the season itself) I was recommended here by a member of the /r/fantasywriters subreddit on reddit, after I made a post that showed just how much I have yet to learn. I look forward to being critiqued and critiquing, though I don't feel like I'm entirely qualified for the latter. Two favourite books... ugh. So many choices, but I'd probably go with A Storm Of Swords and Magician. I've only recently gotten into Brandon Sanderson, so he might be a contender. Anyway, thanks for accepting me into the family, I hope I work out here.