Kobold King

What Happened in The Dalles, post 257. "In Which Arsenal Explodes, Deathwish Swears, and We Learn That Thinking Dirty Thoughts Only Encourages Dirt-Manipulating Epics to Throw Things At You."

“Actually, just kiss me," Shiny Sparkle said smoothly. Arsenal, for once, resisted the urge to snap at the woman. It was high time for this nonsense to end, and the first step for Glass to redeem herself would be to blow off this impertinent attempt at intimacy and send the new Epic on her way. For all her failures, Glass had some thin trace of professionalism in her. As they stood staring into each other's eyes, he felt a moment's doubt. And then Glass made the first move, falling into the Epic's arms and kissing her. Not a mere peck on the lips. They were kissing like mindless teenagers drunk on a prom night. They were pressed wholesale into each other, their mouths doing the kind of indecent things The Dalles hadn't seen since he'd confiscated Deathwish's video collection. This wasn't affection. This was public lewdity. Arsenal knew his face was red, but that was nothing to the red he was seeing. His teeth gritted. His nostrils flared. He raised a fist and slammed it hard against a foldable table that had burst into being in front of him. "STORM IT GLASS!" he bellowed, throwing the table aside and inadvertently creating a shelf full of red toaster ovens. "I EXPECT THIS FROM DEATHWISH, NOT FROM YOU!" He stamped his foot in rage, taking a step towards the intimate couple. The ceiling fan over his head exploded into sparks and shreds of plastic, replaced by a sharp-edged steel fan that had taken its place. "IF YOU DO NOT SEPARATE YOURSELVES THIS INSTANT, I SWEAR YOU WILL FACE THE HARSHEST DISCIPLINARY ACTIONS THIS TOWN HAS SEEN SINCE KOSCHEI!" The Bible warned against wrath. But, Arsenal was sure, God would approve of rage to make a point. Especially when the alternative was a lowlife harlot and an ordained minister trying to turn an institution of government authority into a kissing booth. "SPARKS! SEND YOUR STORMING REINFORCEMENTS!" Deathwish bellowed. Twisting in the air, he narrowly dodged another swinging tentacle of solid soil. He was substantially high above his targets, but some of them were still capable of throwing attacks at him. Like the slontze who broke his ear. Who attacked an ear? Why attack an ear? Bloody sparking spark storms, but broken ears hurt like hell. He dodged another flying dirt clod, hurtling closer to the old slontze who liked to break ears. Pulling the last gun from his belt he let fly a spray of bullets, aimed mostly at the old guy but also at the blonde chick who'd thrown a pebble at him. She was a hot little thing, but he made it a rule not to let his personal attractions get in the way of murdering the hell out of anyone who tried to kill him. Not waiting to see if his bullets had connected--though he was sure they would--Deathwish performed an aerial stunt to evade another dirt clod and stopped briefly beside the Florist. "Slontze!" he shouted, perhaps not particularly eloquently. "Are you gonna smell every daffodil in the city, or are you gonna get off your arse and lend a hand here?!" The black-haired Hawaiian lady took that opportunity to hit him hard with another dirt ball, almost knocking the wind out of him. He managed to accelerate directly upwards and out of her range, from where he glared furiously down at his enemies. Oh, you slontzes are going to wish they'd sent someone else to send you on your way. There's not gonna be anything left for Reader when I'm done with you.

But in Equestria Girls Twilight Sparkle shows no indications of recognizing the human image, indicating that if there ever were humans in Equestria they had to have either left or passed into extinction at least before the first defeat of Discord... Sorry.

I ship it.

Am I the only one who wants to meet this Rumor fellow Gordon's been getting his information from?

It certainly makes sense given what we know of weaknesses, and more importantly it fits thematically with their link to fear. I wonder if it's possible for a weakness to change if the first fear is conquered. I mean if Megan also has a fear of hammers after that one time her brother tried juggling tools over her head, is it possible that her powers would start failing around hammers after she completely removed her fire weakness? ...Could Calamity, in some twisted way, be trying to force humanity to face its collective fears?

Appleoosa's Most Wanted:

Shardarms: for when you REALLY need to win that arm-wrestling competition.

The only sitcom that raises my self-esteem every time its name is uttered. And Discord's awesome! I really can't get enough of the guy. Have you seen his fan-made theme song, Coma?

And I like Firefly, so Backtrack likes me. And I like helicopters, so Vondra likes me. And I like dinosaurs, so Lightwards likes me... where was I going with this?

From Shiny Sparkle's wiki page: Aaaaand Shiny hates me now.

"What's your favorite thing about Shadesmar? Mine is Shadesmar." "Shadesmar going to Shadesmar can't wait." "Shadesmar..." "Shadesmar. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In Shadesmar. Shadesmar system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in Shadesmar! Going to Shadesmar jail!" "Dad! I'm in Shadesmar! I'm proud of you, son. Dad, are you Shadesmar? Yes. Now we are a family again." "Shadesmar Shadesmar wanna go to Shadesmar yes please Shadesmar. Shadesmar Shadesmar. Go to Shadesmar." "Shadesmar Shadesmar wanna go to Shadesmar" "Shadesmar Shadesmar going to Shadesmar oh boy" "Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Shadesmar! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!" "Oh. Play it cool. Play it cool. Here come the Shadesmar cops." "Help me, Shadesmar cops. Shadesmar cops, help." "Going to Shadesmar going there can't wait gotta go. Shadesmar. Going." "Shadesmar. Shadesmar." "I'm going to Shadesmar." "Oh boy." "Yeah yeah yeah okay okay." "Shadesmar. Shadesmar. Gonna go to Shadesmar." "Shadesmar. Shadesmar. Go to Shadesmar." "Yes. Please. Shadesmar." "Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Shadesmar!" "Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Shadesmar!" "Gonna be in Shadesmar." "Shadesmar." "Shadesmar." "Ohhhh, Shadesmar." "Wanna go to Shadesmar. Shadesmar." "[humming]" "Let's go - let's go to Shadesmar. Let's go to Shadesmar." "I love Shadesmar. Love Shadesmar." "Spren. Thoughts. Expanse of Densities. All in Shadesmar."" "Orbit. Shadesmar orbit. In my Shadesmarsuit."

I think Schrödinger is an irresponsible maniac who shouldn't be allowed to own pets, but that's just me.

I wonder if under Schrödinger's model of quantum mechanics, yours and Edgedancer's posts are simultaneously spoilery and not spoilery until I open the tags.

Rest assured I'm reading everything in those tags when I see the episode.

That reminds me to post this: Deviantart is home to many disturbingly random things.

I don't suppose an obvious stand-in for the Nighthound pony gets blasted by the Elements of Harmony?

Nope. I've got to wait on my family, remember. Is it good?

Ah. So I did misunderstand that passage. Thanks for the clarifications, guys. The luxury of being able to ask some of my favorite authors about their characters and writing at any time is a precious one. On a business note, should I write a Deathwish PoV along with an Arsenal post? Or should Deathwish's precise combat situation be left vague until Shiny Sparkle shows up?

That all makes sense. Especially the part about Autumn not wanting to kiss Shiny, because that part didn't make a whole lot of sense with what we've seen of her so far. I guess my essay can be summed up with "Shiny's a lowlife sleazeball and Autumn can do better than her." I like Shiny, but in the same way that I like Lucentia or Timeport; I think she's morally reprehensible, but sparks she's fun to read about.

I will remember that. It's like the Fourth of July suddenly became a slash pairing. ...Now for something mostly irrelevant. First off, I apologize for the massive essay that follows. I'm feeling down today, and one way I cope with feeling down is by becoming relentlessly analytical. You see, I have a question. Allow me to start by asking this serious question in the form of a meme: It's quite possible I'm the only one who ever thought the Sparkleglass ship was being taken seriously, or perhaps I'm reading the characters involved in entirely the wrong way. Either way, I've just now managed to figure out why I dislike Sparkleglass but can hesitantly support a pairing between Redeemed!Funtimes and Nathan. When Funtimes abducts Nathan, she very quickly decides that he's the perfect boyfriend. She forces him into dangerous situations, kisses him on numerous occasions, and forces him to sleep in her bed (albeit in a strictly platonic manner). While it hasn't come up, it seems clear that if Nathan expressed his desire to to break up with her, there would be dire consequences for the overly possessive Funtimes. It is hopefully clear to everyone that their relationship is not a healthy one; rescuing Nathan was a just and ethical thing to do, but forcing him into an unwanted role as her boyfriend was Funtimes' first sin of the RP. Now, here's why I don't find FunNathan to be particularly squicky as a ship. Firstly: Funtimes has not indicated a sexual interest in Nathan. Her unique circumstances have caused her to regress into a child-like persona; while she has adult urges and constant pushing from Calamity, she satisfies both of them by kissing and being controlling. At risk of sounding like a prudish medieval troubadour, Nathan's virtue is at no risk. Funtimes' interest in him is entirely centered around her own fear of loneliness. If she ever said the phrase "I love you," it would likely merely because she realizes couples should love each other, and in her quest to avoid loneliness she would say anything to keep up a charade of mutual affection. Now for Shiny Sparkle. It's harder to get a feel for what exactly goes on in Shiny Sparkle's head--she's a riddle wrapped in a glittery enigma, sparkling too brightly to examine too closely. However, her actions do paint a picture of a woman with less... childish intentions than Doctor Funtimes. Here's one of the early Sparkleglass scenes for reference: Within minutes of meeting her, Shiny has already begun physically caressing the object of her affections. Affections which seem to have been earned entirely from Autumn's looks and the deferent respect she gives to Shiny, which are respectively shallow and disturbing traits to have earned Shiny's obsession. Finally there's the line "especially given that's why she came here in the first place"--perhaps I'm forgetting the precise context in which this line appears, but this even further strips away the romantic overtones Shiny seems to have assigned to her obsession. It almost makes it sound as if Shiny sees The Dalles as some sort of giant singles bar, with all the men and women there solely for her to pick from. The out-of-narrative information about how open Shiny would be to threesomes and orgies only further solidifies my perhaps Arsenal-like opinion that Shiny is just as sleazy and reprehensible as Deathwish is, if perhaps more subtle about her intentions. This isn't surpising from an Epic. Epics are like that. They become selfish and too engaged with their own desires to give a fig about respecting vanillas as human beings. The captor side of Shiny and Autumn's relationship is perfectly written and not unrealistic at all. What is more unsettling to me is that Autumn is starting to enjoy the attention. In the latest post, we see for the first time that Autumn actually has some latent desire to kiss her Epic captor. (First, I must say was brilliantly written and an awesome post all around, so don't take what I'm about to say as a criticism. I loved it and wouldn't have it changed for the world.) Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it strikes me as... not necessarily out of character, but odd that Autumn's only noted compunction against kissing this woman is that Arsenal wouldn't approve. Autumn Glass is an ordained minister, and her pairing with a sleazy and sexually promiscuous Epic is a tad... incongrous to me. It's clear that Autumn doesn't have much of a choice at the moment, but little lines like this make me wonder how much Autumn hates this situation and how much she's subconsciously reveling in the freedom to behave in this manner. Nathan, if paired with a Funtimes who has successfully faced her fear, could bring out the best in his Epic girlfriend. Shiny Sparkle has the potential to bring out the worst in her girlfriend. Like I said at the beginning of this post--these are only my observations, and I freely admit to possibly misreading this entire situation. Largely, I'm just curious as to how many of the unsettling things I've observed were intentional, how many of them are solely in my head, and what direction is actually being planned for Sparkleglass. And before I hit post, let me compliment Edge and Twi for creating characters that I care about enough to spend this much time analyzing. There aren't many writers who can bring out this exceptionally geeky part of me.

That aspect actually makes more sense with Firefight, in my opinion. The rule was created by Vondra, but is broken with impunity by practically every Epic in The Dalles. Deathwish flies everywhere he goes, Arsenal creates gadgets constantly, Reader reads everyone within his vicinity, Glamour creates disco lights around him at all times... the number of Epics who follow the rules is smaller than the Epics who break them. Vondra's rule betrays a fundamental lack of understanding about how Epics work, and the consequences of his lack of knowledge can be seen every time an Epic uses his powers when not strictly necessary. If you're using the classic editor (which absolutely everybody should use) then you can just hover your cursor above the green puzzle icon and edit the template that way.

I guess it is. Awesome!

Huh. First instance we've seen of Autumn actually being mutually attracted to Shiny. Arsenal will not like this.

It's also pretty good in soups. Welcome to the RPG, 18th Shard! Mind enlightening us to why okra is Phoenix's greatest fear?