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Sep 19 2011 – Asmodemon – Maiden of Thorns Chapter 4


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I got into this chapter right away, especially after the last one. The transition to the recognition that they have merged was a little rough, but nothing was seriously wrong with it, in my opinion.

I liked the change from Amaryllis, once she's realized that she might be able to fight. The lack of preparation on Rosalin's part was well done also, I thought.

You use the word lith, which I've not encountered before. A quick dictionary/web search doesn't enlighten me either. You might want to explain it, assuming it's not a repeated typo.

The conversation switching between external and internal had a very realistic feel to it, to me (as realistic as a fantasy like this could get), but it was still confusing in spots as the conversation swung back and forth. In particular, it took until my second read to make the connection between why Amaryllis is fighting and the fact that Rosen had bound her in the past... and longer until I realized that must be what Rosalin does to end the fight as well.

I liked that you had Amaryllis not get caught talking, although the way it was phrased reminded me very strongly of the Incredibles.

I'm not sure I like the anger in Rosalin. Is that a part of her own character, or is that a result of the merging? I'm hoping it's a result of the merging, but whichever way, you might make it more clear.

This chapter ends on another cliffhanger -- two in a row. I'm still reading and looking forward to the next, so it's not bad yet, but I'm hoping the next chapter or two will end on a non-tense note to give me time to breath.

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This chapter had much clearer language and better descriptions. I thought it was clear what was going on, but I think I read your initial draft long ago, so I might have more of an advantage than most.

Good job on her waking up and making it clear she was no longer who she was. You showed it well without telling.

As to lith, I knew you referred to the stones (as in lithograph), but then I'm a word nut, so I may not be representative of your target audience.

I had a slight problem with the men surrounding Rosalin so easily. The first we hear of them, they have her surrounded already; I find that somewhat hard to believe. She had to know they were there unless there were some really good hiding places.

As to the ending, it didn't feel like this chapter was really over yet. Nothing had really been resolved and without even a little closure, it felt too open ended.

You've left a lot of questions in your reader's head at this point--good questions--so I think you're doing it right :)

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  • 3 weeks later...

With this chapter one of my biggest problems was that concerning the merging. With an overall look I remember Rosen sitting down into a mediated state, followed by bulldozing into Rosalin's town, followed by evaporating after Rosalin gets some of his blood in her mouth and merging with him. She then runs out of the town and finds herself face to face with a Chittin (I believe) and then she screams and then everything is "cut off". A part of me wants to believe that there were two Rosen's physically at that time and then they merged once she tastes his blood. Then at the end she dies by the hand of the Chittin, which isn't too clear, but it also isn't too vague. So I jump into this chapter expecting her to be close to her own home town only to find out that is not the case. This confused me for the beginning part of this chapter.

I like the concept of Rosalin and Rosen being in one body with her in control. Especially with this feeling rather epic in scope. The only real qualm I have with this is that Her name is Roaslin and his is Rosen. It could get really confusing during inner conversations/conflicts down the road. Which happened a little during this conflict. I paid attention but it took a lot of attention to follow the conversations correctly which threw me out of the immersion.

I also like that Amaryllis was so ready to kill Rosen when his guard was down. That keeps an hovering tension in the air that I expect in the future.

I agree with Cynic that this chapter ended a little too early into the conflict. Might want to take it another paragraph further just to show what the "soldiers" are wanting before ending the chapter.

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Another great chapter. Let me tell you this : you have a gift for pacing.

This chapter feels like a blending of the 3 preceding chapters, which I suppose tells us you got the mix just right to tell us a story about someone with multiple personalities. Nice use of internal voice; I always knew who was talking.

Amaryllis is definitely a very interesting character with very believable reactions, given what we know of her condition.

Now, a couple of things bothered me.

First, Amaryllis recognizes Rozen/Rosalin as Rosen. Rosalin herself sees herself with Rosen. Then, at the end of the chapter, the group of men definitely see a woman, not a man. I went back to read that section, but could find no clue that anything happened (so she didn't switch bodies at some point). Maybe there is something I missed there.

Second, the group of men at the end seem to sprout from the earth. Some part of me feels a little cheated that this happens right at the end of the chapter. I feel like you're trying to force me to turn pages. I'm willing to do that for now, but I hope this doesn't happen too often; this could get frustrating very fast.

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