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[+Invocation]

Story prompt: He walked along the golden beaches, dragging his scythe behind him. He stops in front of you.

“Well…it’s finally your time.”

That was a prompt someone gave me for a friendly writing contest he was organizing, and while I've already submitted it, I figured I wanted some critique on it after the fact, while I'm waiting to be able to read all the other ones. So please, come and give me feedback. Might be hard to do with such a short story, but I figure there's something wrong somewhere in there that I can't see.

Spoiler

 

I turned my gaze away from the red sunset to reply. “So it would seem, old friend.” I patted the sand next to me. “Come on, sit beside me for this last portion. It’s a show you’ll only see once!”

“I think I’ll take you up on that,” he said, gently lowering himself to the ground and laying his scythe next to him. “Do you…ever have any regrets? About what I am now? About what you became?”

“Regrets? No, never. I had to keep up with you somehow. You wouldn’t have been able to live without me, Oz,” I laughed. “The only thing that surprised me was how the chips fell. I’d have figured I’d turn out to be Death Incarnate.”

Sydney chuckled. “Yeah, that’s fair. Doesn’t matter much now, does it? I did appreciate all the gifts you sent me over the years, though. Each unique but each decidedly yours.”

“Yeah. Some of them were nice, weren’t they?”

“Indeed they were. So how about it, Brother Life? One last adventure for the worldly bookends?”

“I’m down if you are, Brother Death. Let’s get at it.”

Death stood and extended his hand to me. “As dramatic as ever, Benny boy. Suppose it fits, though.”

I grabbed his hand and let him pull me up, turning it into a hug. “One last adventure.”

Behind us, the sun completed its destiny and wiped any trace of the human race away.

And with it went Life and Death themselves.

Two old friends, until the end.

 

 

[Snipexe he/him]

Overall, I really enjoyed this. I think you really nailed the banter between the two. One small issue:

35 minutes ago, Invocation said:

“I’m down if you are, Brother Death. Let’s get at it.”

The “I’m down if you are” feels a bit jarring, and took me out of the story. It feels too much like modern slang (because it is) and it doesn’t ring true with the rest of the way life speaks in the story.

[+Invocation]

9 minutes ago, Snipexe said:

The “I’m down if you are” feels a bit jarring, and took me out of the story. It feels too much like modern slang (because it is) and it doesn’t ring true with the rest of the way life speaks in the story.

If I wasn't constrained so far on my word count and could add more backstory, there'd be an explanation for that. If you're interested, here's the explanation:

Spoiler

It's supposed to be a callback to what kicked the whole thing off. They were two modern kid friends (hence that line) looking for summer jobs and they got a strange ad for a job needing two people. The one who would become Life, Ben, said he was "down if you are" when they talked about it.

I hate word limits. They force me to do stuff like that without a good explanation, leading to a jarring sensation on the reader instead of a closure.

Edited July 22, 2019 by Invocation

[Snipexe he/him]

Just now, Invocation said:

If I wasn't constrained so far on my word count and could add more backstory, there'd be an explanation for that. If you're interested, here's the explanation:

  Hide contents

It's supposed to be a callback to what kicked the whole thing off. They were two modern kid friends (hence that line) looking for summer jobs and they got a strange ad for a job needing two people. The one who would become Life, Ben, said he was "down if you are" when they talked about it.

I hate word limits. 

Ok, that makes a bit more sense, and fills in enough for that line to no longer be a problem.

[Nathrangking he/him]

Nicely done @Invocation. It had a feel to it which displayed the depth of the relationship that you laid out.

Edited July 26, 2019 by Nathrangking

[1st of Lunch he/him]

I like it! Cool little story considering the prompt you were given. Sounds like something that would make a good series of shorts to read about their adventures.