20140519 - andyk - Fire in the Blood ch.10-11 (V)

[andyk he/him]

The next two chapters in my fantasy novel - I look forward to reading your comments. I'm often editing a few chapters ahead of what I've posted here, so I apologise in advance if this is full of errors you've already picked out in previous chapters.

Previously:

Cadmia is the daughter of Gaius Cadmius Murena, a senator and general in a fantasy version of republican Rome. Her father has recently returned from a successful campaign against the Gauls. He has also recruited a veteran named Varus to the household.

Varus, a veteran of the Roman legions, was scarred by priestly magic during a battle in Gaul. He now hears voices in his head, not least from the torc that was a souvenir of that battle. Varus doesn't like Rome.

Cadmia and Varus have a fractious relationship, not least because Murena seems happier talking to Varus than to his own daughter.

The household is facing many challenges. Their house has been cursed. Cadmia was attacked on their own grounds. Murena's attempt to throw a triumph for his army was thwarted in the senate. Murena's wife, Livia, was taken away by her brother, Murena's political opponent Livius Dama.

Cadmia and Varus have reason to believe that Livius Dama may be involved with the attack against Cadmia.

In the last chapter a meeting to attempt reconciliation between Murena and Livia was ambushed. Livia was killed but Varus saved Murena and others from the attackers after giving in to his all-consuming rage.

Other characters of note:

Sepunia - the most senior servant in the household.

Sophia - another servant, a young ex-thief recruited by Varus so she could also act as his guide to Rome.

Nurya - Cadmia's tutor.

Edited May 19, 2014 by andyk

[Mandamon he/him]

Ch 10

You've got the "turnaround" for Varus, but it seems almost too easy.  Suddenly people are getting out of his way, even those that didn't see what he did to the assassins.  Yes, he's getting more attention, but he seems to suddenly do all the right things, whereas before he did all the wrong things. Maybe I'm just seeing the difference between active Varus and passive Varus, although that also highlights how much Varus has been dragged along so far.

 

We get a brief glance of Cadmia trying to figure out Varus' deal with Mars, but then it's dropped for a trip to get strange and arcane artifacts, I gather, to appease the house gods.  I would have liked to see some more explanation of what Cadmia intends to use them for, or a scene with the ritual itself.

 

Ch 11

It seems strange that Murena is holding court with supplicants.  I wasn't aware this was a practice in Rome, even for a senator.  Anyway, this might be a place to drop a few worldbuilding/historical hints as to what's going on.  Does Murena own all the property the people work in?  Are the attached to the house?  You say "tenants" later, but I'm still unclear on what the relationship is.

 

pg 9: "The most annoyed turned towards the door, but most remained,"

-repeated "most"

 

There's at least one instance of "Cadmiae" instead of "Cadmia," especially confusing because you also mention the Cadmiae in this chapter.  Have they been introduced before?  I feel like they have, but I can't remember what they do.

 

Nice to see some more interaction from Murena and Varus taking initiative finally in trying to bring his general out of depression.  

 

Sepunia and Sophia tend to be confusing names, especially as they now appear in scenes together.

 

Keep it up!

[Sprouts]

I haven't read any of the prior chapters, so some of the world-building and back story flew over my head.

 

I like Varus quite a bit, he's a fun viewpoint character.  I always enjoy characters with a mysterious alternate personality or whatever he had going on with Mars.  There was one line in particular where he talks about pushing feelings down to where they die that really stuck with me. I'd definitely read more from him.

 

Some of the other characters I had trouble keeping track of, specifically Sophia and Sepunia.  Are they both servants?  (Probably could be attributed to not having read previous chapters).

 

Whatever they bought all those miscellaneous items for seemed to be kind of brushed over.  Why name the items specifically, but not show how they're relevant in dispelling the curse?  Maybe that was introduced earlier though.

 

I enjoyed both scenes that featured Cadmia, though once she runs off to get dressed after her sparring with Varus I was confused on if she came back to the gathering in the house.

 

Overall I really enjoyed it, and will probably be going back to read the prior chapters.  I want to see some of the back story for Varus.

[andyk he/him]

Thanks for the feedback folks.

On the whole 'Cadmiae' thing, this is something I didn't make clear enough in the early chapters, and that I keep forgetting to explain here. The Cadmiae is a clan name, something that can be used to refer to an extended family or, as noble houses got established in Rome, to one of those houses. So Murena's house is the House of the Cadmiae. Roman naming conventions being what they were, everyone in the family also gets the family name, so Murena is actually Gaius Cadmius Murena, and Cadmia only gets the feminine version of that name, because ancient Roman women weren't given as many names as the men.

Real life example - Gaius Julius Ceasar, the one who got stabbed up in the forum, was one of the Juliae.

[Robinski he/him]

Another two good chapters, if anything, slightly short perhaps. I'm sure that you’re going to continue with these themes, but I felt that there was more to say in places, and that Varus came to his conclusions quite suddenly (detailed comments below).

 

Keep it coming, please!

 

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Chapter 10

 

Page 1 – Scorching first paragraph, what an opening punch – brilliant.

 - Repetition of the word ‘child’ – substitute ‘son’ for one?

 - ‘not seeming to dare’ is awkward, why not just ‘clearly not daring’

 

Page 2 – Somehow, I don’t have a strong image of the events in Gaul – specifically the moment of ‘possession’ by the power or perhaps ‘investiture’ (with the power) is the word. It’s maybe just the episodic nature of reading the story, but I find now that I don’t have a defining image in my mind of that moment.

 

Page 3 – Sometimes Varus’ reactions seem rather simple, he’s such a hard-bitten soldier, mistrustful and isolated, he seems to shed his suspicion very quickly, it’s really quite innocent.

 

Page 5 – There’s something more of the innocence I was referring to in Varus’ sudden-seeming conclusion that Rome is not so bad after all, after one isolated incident. I realise that this is actually the culmination (presumably) of that thread, but it felt a bit constructed to be, like I could see the joins.

 

Chapter 11

 

Page 5 – For me, ‘He blocked the blow easily.’ i.e. avoiding the split infinitive. I’m sure it’s not heresy, but it’s something I always notice.

 

Page 8 – I'm not keen on ‘the nothing’, I found it awkward to read.