Bunnyburn he/him Posted May 13, 2014 Report Share Posted May 13, 2014 (edited) I've started trying to write a little more seriously, to get practice in. This world started as a place to practice in, but I am liking it, and so plan to continue. This is a world where musical notes are given attributes. eg: Time Note, Gravity Note Combining these attributes in certain combos and proportions can create all kinds of effects. https://www.dropbox.com/s/3rojsqdmk4s4vub/The%20Listener.docx Edited July 22, 2014 by Bunnyburn 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Two McMillion he/him Posted May 13, 2014 Report Share Posted May 13, 2014 I enjoyed it, it was enough to make me interested in reading more. Beyond that, it's a bit short to say much more. But you're gotten my interest, and that's certainly good. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virtual Mayhem he/him Posted May 13, 2014 Report Share Posted May 13, 2014 Write more please...it's very good and interesting and I want to read more 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunnyburn he/him Posted May 16, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2014 https://www.dropbox.com/s/xjqqdsifa6o22pk/The%20Listener.docx I have pressed onward. Don't hold back the critisicms. I want to get better. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Two McMillion he/him Posted May 16, 2014 Report Share Posted May 16, 2014 Still intriguing, but you need to be careful to balance the worldbuilding/flashbacks with action in the present, otherwise it feels like you're just infodumping. That's a very fine line, and I think you're pretty close. I wonder how likely it is, though, that Reia has never been to a Listener sermon? If that's the prevailing religion, it seems to me that she needs some reason for why she doesn't believe it. The revelation that musical instruments are allowed has alleviated this somewhat, but part of me still wonders how likely it is an entire culture exists without singing. Do they have people who recite epic poetry instead, or something? I think the human desire to engage in rhythm plus music is pretty strong. Feinn's POV is interesting, but it lacks the pathos that Reia's has due to having less emotional turmoil. And the fight... ehhh, I think it was a little iffy TBH. The description seemed a bit slow for the speed of the fight, almost. Also, you have a couple POV flops in Feinn's section- you jump into the watcher's head as he dies, and I'm not sure describing Feinn's voice as "womanly" fits the way that character would think of himself. Anyway, those are my comments for now. Over, your prose is solid and the writing is decent, but you need to beware of getting bogged down in worldbuilding. You would still have my interest if this was a novel; however, if this was a kindle sample, it wouldn't immediately put the book on my "must get" list. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunnyburn he/him Posted May 16, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2014 Thanks for the advice, I can definitely see what you mean. I'm kinda unsure of what in-world lore is necessary at this point, but I am quickly realizing I will have ample opportunity as I continue onward. As for Feinn's POV (specifically regarding his voice) can you think of a better way he would mentally.comment on his voice. I'm still figuring out the POV and how different characters will be reacting, but Feinn's voice will be a plot element. He is suposed to be a fantastic singer, and I wanted to begin laying the groundwork for that revelation. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Two McMillion he/him Posted May 16, 2014 Report Share Posted May 16, 2014 Thanks for the advice, I can definitely see what you mean. I'm kinda unsure of what in-world lore is necessary at this point, but I am quickly realizing I will have ample opportunity as I continue onward. As for Feinn's POV (specifically regarding his voice) can you think of a better way he would mentally.comment on his voice. I'm still figuring out the POV and how different characters will be reacting, but Feinn's voice will be a plot element. He is suposed to be a fantastic singer, and I wanted to begin laying the groundwork for that revelation. My thought about "womanly" is that it feels like a confident person, like Feinn, would probably simply think of it as "high pitched". Or, he could be an amazing bass singer. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Two McMillion he/him Posted May 16, 2014 Report Share Posted May 16, 2014 By the way, Bunnyburn, are you an outline or a discovery writer? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunnyburn he/him Posted May 16, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2014 I don't know yet This particular piece is 99% discovery, its primary purpose is a world I can practice my writing in. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunnyburn he/him Posted May 16, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2014 This is my first draft of Reia fixing her door. I'm not 100% on how the different musical-magics are gonna work, but this is kinda the direction I wanna go with Reia's ability. --------------------------- The melody came easily, like a march, deep and staccato. Reia knew what she wanted to play and which Notes to use. In the key of D, the Time Note. The music began to crescendo, her melody reminding the splintered pieces of wood on the floor about their time as a door. She incorporated more Notes of Water into her melody, urging the fragments to move. The splinters, so touched by her song, started to dance. They vibrated on the floor, dancing for their past. The crescendo broke into a grand, flowing phrase, Notes of Water and Gravity dominant throughout the chorus. The melody growing more, going faster and faster. The pieces began to hum, in perfect key with Reia's flute. They vibrated faster and faster as the music reached a climax, and at the moment Reia played the final note the door snapped into existence, exactly how and where it was before being destroyed. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Delightful Posted May 18, 2014 Report Share Posted May 18, 2014 Hi! I presume you're still looking for feedback? I've read your first document, haven't seen the others yet so apologies if you've changed anything I'm going to mention. Firstly, a world without singing is a pretty cool concept since people sing all the time, subconsciously hum to themselves etc., music is such a pervasive aspect of life that it's hard and interesting to imagine a world without the ability to sing. I think you write really well, especially the description, and the world, so far, feels very 3D and real. That being said, a few things I had trouble with: I thought first that the Prime Censor's notes were written notes about something, not musical notes. I glanced back as I went to close the document and realised it must be music. I'm not getting a sense of ages - Reia seems dependent on Alex which in my mind puts her at 8-13, but her internal voice comes across as old enough to look after herself - im thinking late teens to early twenties. And is Alex much older than her? The same age? A year or two older? -So the worldbuilding of the beginning interesting but I'd rather more action sooner - Reia's seems very passive to me. I want her to be doing something rather than just thinking about her life, even just grieving more actively. That section does introduce the world very well, but I feel like the character needs some more oomph. (I can totally use that word, right?) -When Reia goes back to the house, what's happening present moment and what happened in the morning is a little confusing to me, though there's always the possibility that I'm not reading it clearly. Adjusting the connection to perfect tune, she raised it again. Taking a deep breath, she started repairing her door. She's repairing the door with music? Or did she put the flute down? humming bulbs, Do they have electric lights? They seem incongruous with the leather/knives/gold currency which gives me a very medieaval-fantasy setting kind of feel. I'm definitely more interested in Fienn than Reia, he's much more of a rounded character - the tough fighter with a womanly voice who overpays for drinks, possibly to save a barmaid some pay. I think Reia is more sympathetic, while Fienn is more active. I want to see more of both and learn more about them, for sure. Overall, great description, great story introduction. When I have more time I want to come back and read the rest you've written! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunnyburn he/him Posted May 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2014 (edited) I appreciate everybody's critisicm and encouragement. It has helped me when I felt uninspired. Here is a continuation. Anotber chapter in either viewpoint, and a change in Reia's character that I hope fuels better conflicts as the plot unfolds. Oh yeah, I discovering threads I have made and I am beginning to see ways to craft them into a plot. All in all, I feel like I am making great progress, and much thanks goes to you 17th sharders. Alright, here it is! https://www.dropbox.com/s/xjqqdsifa6o22pk/The%20Listener.docx HAH, I noticed there is a character whose name changes back amd forth several times in one scene. My version has been fixed, but it remains here until the next updte. Edited May 25, 2014 by Bunnyburn 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabriele she/her Posted May 27, 2014 Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 My thought about "womanly" is that it feels like a confident person, like Feinn, would probably simply think of it as "high pitched". Or, he could be an amazing bass singer. A countertenor. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curiosity he/him Posted May 29, 2014 Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 Your world is fascinating! I hum and sing all of the time, so the way your characters respond (and will respond) to the Listener's religion is huge draw for me. You've got something good there. By the way, the word Akapel is a little to similar to the actual word, acapella. It almost seems cheesy to me, though I suppose it isn't as obvious as some other terms that I've read elsewhere. I have very little experience correcting/giving advice on writing. When I see stuff that I have problems with, I'll let you know. There already seems to be a lot of help here! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunnyburn he/him Posted July 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 20, 2014 (edited) https://www.dropbox.com/s/3rojsqdmk4s4vub/The%20Listener.docx It's been a while, but I have another couple chapters for you guys. Lemme know what you think/like/hate. Thanks everybody! (The links in this post and the opening post are up to date. Other links in this thread are obsolete) Edited July 20, 2014 by Bunnyburn 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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