28 April 2014 - Asmodemon - Song of the Sea

[Asmodemon he/him]

It’s been a while since I last submitted anything. I submitted this story once before years ago, but it’s gone through some extensive rewrites since then.

 

Pitch: When the black ship emerges from the storm the siren Linaeve sets out to claim her mate. But will she succeed when her song is pitched against a haunting melody lurking within the vessel’s holds, claiming the ship and everyone on it as its own?

[Mandamon he/him]

I feel like I don't have enough comments, but then I think this might fall under "good enough I can't think of anything bad to say about it."  I was very impressed with the story, and couldn't find any overarching problems.  I think this could end up in a short story collection somewhere.

 

Side note:  on the pitch above, I've read pros and cons on the "but will she..." continuation in a pitch.  Some agents hate it, some don't mind.  You might want to rephrase as a statement rather than a question:  "She must pit her song against a haunting melody lurking within the vessel’s holds, intent on claiming the ship and everyone on it."  Unless you've heard something to the contrary...

 

An on to poking holes!

 

Pg 2: Sorry, Sheera => She-Ra in my head.

Pg 5: A little issue with description. You've said "legs," a few times and that's warring with my mental image of a mermaid. Is that what these are, in which case they would have a flipper--legs joined together--or is it something different? If something different, then maybe a little more description showing that this isn't a mermaid.
--Note: it's clearer later that she has full legs. It's only somewhat confusing at the beginning.  You might throw out the word "Siren" earlier to denote that she might not be the same phenotype as a mermaid.

pg 9: "There were no people though."
--I'd get rid of "though." It makes a bigger impact.

Familiarity concerns. Does Linaeve know what a Bosun is, and how a lantern works?  She does later play with the fire, which makes a good scene.  My first thought when Isi calls to the Bosun was that Lineave would think "Bosun" was his name, rather than position.

Sirens, Dryads, and Zombies, oh my!  Very nice Strange and Familiar hook.  This turns things on their head.

I'm unclear on how Renata got to be the main intelligence of the Dryad. Maybe a little more explanation needed on whether the Dryad has a body, or if the ship is its body, or what happened. Maybe as simple as Renata got there first, and the Dryad had more time to work on her and make her a true vessel.

I like the ending as well. I'm pretty sure Isi is in for a bad fate, but you've done enough work with Linaeve's character to make her sympathetic. I can't decide who to pull for!  You've got me siding with an alien creature over a familiar human in distress, which tells me that this is well done.

 

Glad to see some new stuff from you!

[neongrey]

All right, let's get back into the groove of reading these things~

 

Let's see, right from the start, I've loved legged mer-people ever since I was a kid and read a big book about mermaids that talked about how there's a lot of stories that have them with legs.

 

Page three, the usage of the word heralds in successive sentences sticks out a bit, it's an uncommon enough word that idk, I might switch it up some.

 

I'm not personally big on bunching up physical descriptions but it fits well enough so I wouldn't worry about it.

 

I feel vaguely uncomfortable with the 'body started quickening' exchange but there's nothing really wrong with it and it's certainly appropriate in context so again, I wouldn't worry.

 

Aria's lack of contractions makes her dialogue sound a bit stilted, especially given she's kind of indignant. I don't think it flows correctly without them.

 

"Canon had gotten hurt on her dorsal fin and arms" sounds a bit stilted, probably from the passive voice. Try something like "Canon had hurt her dorsal etc" maybe?

 

The bit between ship and blacking out is very nice, I like it quite a lot.

 

Huh. On the ship, it's not going how I expected. This is interesting-- enough so it's pulling me away from a close reading, which is good.

 

Annd... oop, it's over. Aside from a couple comma splices here and there in dialogue, it pulled me in and kept me going. Neat story, neat setting, I'd like to see more of this place. Very good, I like it quite a lot.

[Kuiper]

General remarks:

 

I enjoyed this story throughout.  The description in the beginning that builds the world and the action scenes are both well-executed.  However, I didn't feel that they tied together as well as they could have.  If I have a complaint about this story, it's that I don't feel like I understand the stakes well enough in advance.  It wasn't until Linaeve discovered her fellow merfolk turned dryad that I felt like I really understood exactly what kind of story I was reading.  (Maybe this is intentional, and you were aiming for a continued sense of discovery throughout the story.  However, as it is, this feels more to me like the first chapter of a larger work than a standalone story.)  By the time I got to the point of investing myself in the chemistry between Linaeve and Isidor, the action had ratcheted up to the point where I felt like I was being railroaded through the story at a rather exhausting pace.  

 

In terms of events, it felt like things were paced out appropriately, but narrative I felt like this wasn't always the case.  Like on page 21, I would have liked a bit of time to catch my breath--ease off the accelerator, and give me a bit more description to provide a foothold before we launch into the next action sequence.

 

 

Specific issues:

 

Page 29.  The line "Amazing." pulled me out.  I don't want to be told that the spectacle is "amazing."  If this line is to indicate that Linaeve was amazed by the sight before her, I rather would rather see the amazement on her face--a gasp of surprise, or a jaw left hanging for several unblinking moments.  (Show, don't tell.)

 

Page 20.  The line that begins with "Isidor was so resourceful and fast" really seemed out of place in the context of a line following shortly after that begins with "Hands were around Isidor’s neck."  The bit with Linaeve admiring Isidor comes across as contemplative, yet the action that immediate follows has me fearing for Isidor's life.  Both of these things are good alone--I want to be scared for the characters, and I want to see Linaeve developing an admiration for Isidor.  But the proximity here bothers me--it feels like whiplash.  I generally operate under the assumption that in moments of high tension, the characters' instinctual animal brain takes over, and while it's possible for the animal brain to register things like admiration and awe, the point at which she becomes aware of her own admiration to the extent that she's able to begin articulating adjectives like "resourceful" is a moment when I'm no longer in the scene, as I'm more concerned with what is happening inside of Linaeve's head than with the events transpiring in front of her.

 

In general, I feel like there are a lot of elements vying for my attention--the sense of discovery, the action, Linaeve's relationship with Isidor--and that these elements, while all well-represented, are sometimes compressed together in a way that makes it difficult for me to enjoy them.

[Robinski he/him]

I think this is very accomplished writing, and deserves to be read by a wider audience. My detailed comments are noted below. I have some questions, observations and suggestions, but pretty much all detailed, I found no fault in the plotting, characters or events. I think it could do with a polishing edit, there were some style points that nagged a little as I read – a few split infinitives, word repetition, one or two lapses in dialogue consistency (I thought).

 

But these are largely quibbles. The central idea of pitting a dryad against a siren is a clever one, and I think you’ve carried it off very well, with a cunning conceit to get the dryad onto the water, after which I though events followed logically. My biggest quibble was probably that I never felt that Linaeve or Isidor was in any real danger, nor even Alarin when he disappeared into the hold and was ‘got’ by the husks. What would a solution to that be? Killing Alarin? He’s necessary to the blowing up of the ship, and to the impact of the necessary conclusion when Linaeve and Isidor go over the side so, on balance, I think you have it right - thank you for not copping out!

 

Reviewing others’ comments, I can’t agree with Kuiper. It’s a short piece and I think the pacing is right. For me, snatching the reader away from the ‘romantic’ moments is the right thing to do. Neither you nor the characters have time to dwell on that stuff, and if Linaeve and Isidor get a chance to bond on any level beyond immediate (physical) attraction it causes problems for the final event in the story, in my view.

 

Very well done – now, don’t just sit there, get it polished and submitted!

 

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Page 1

 

 - The name ‘Linaeve’ did make me think of Nynaeve, sorry!

 - She would have to taste it ‘in her mouth’ – unnecessary, I think.

 - Not sure that a stingray can jump.

 - Repetition of ‘surface’.

 

After the first page, I have been drawn in and I'm keen to read on. There’s an innocent and playful tone that I am enjoying, and that is what holds my attention, although there is still some subtle tension (not knowing who the call has come from) and there has been an attack and death, albeit only a fish. I think this is a good first page.

 

Page 2

 

 - The power of words really is fantastic (no news there). Despite what is a rather harsh and bilogially functional description of Linaeve adjusting to being out of the water, your use of the word ‘sleek’ engenders an image of a body designed to move effortlessly through the water.

 - I'm not sure it’s the song that is inexperienced – sorry, the smallest details stick in my head.

 

Page 3

 

 - Don’t like ‘tingly’ sounds like a child’s word – why not ‘tingling’?

 - ‘...the one thing about aspect of her glamour...’ ??

 - ‘That’s That was something she had really hated when she was had struggled with her glamour as a youngling...’ ??

 

Page 4

 

- I don’t know what Aria’s ‘herald’ is.

 

Page 5

 

 - It’s a very evocative description of Linaeve approaching the ship and her singing with the other entity. I was a bit confused who the warning notes were coming from.

 

Page 7

 

 - I thought ‘Faster she swam’ sounded a bit archaic, like an account from a legend or fairytale, not really in keeping the style of the piece.

- Very effective description of her flight to the ship, the persistence of the shark and her real fear as she calls for her matron – well done, I thought.

 - I'm not keen on the use of ‘floorboards’, I would have thought they were just boards, because it’s not really a floor in the domestic sense.

 

Page 8

 

 - I'm a bit unclear here, the ship has a song? I thought that it someone/thing in or around the ship singing, and I didn’t really pick up on Linaeve realising the difference – maybe I picked it up wrong initially.

 

Page 9

 

 - I would have thought the big wave would have had a more noticeable effect on Linaeve, possibly throwing her across the deck. It sounds like a big shift, but she doesn’t even seem to notice it.

 - Her reaction to the young sailor is very sudden and gushing – you explain what this is, but the apparent strength of her reaction took me by surprise somewhat.

 - I thought the description of his clothing went a bit far, detracting from the immediacy of that section. Also, I have never seen the word ‘skit’ in print, not sure what it means, although I can guess from the context.

 

Page 10

 

 - I'm not sure about ‘aft side of the deck’. The aft is the rear of the ship of course, so not sure if you need ‘side of the deck’.

 - ‘Confidence rose inside of her.’

 

Page 11

 

 - Nicely handled encounter, really tense, surprising yet inevitable after the foreshadowing with the ‘wooden’ figure

 

Page 16

 

 - The aft 'window' if it’s glass?

 

Page 17

 

 - Nicely handled reveal, I said dryad in my head a couple of lines before Isidor did – surprising yet inevitable; in fact, more like inevitable yet surprising.

 

Page 20

 

 - The fight was nicely described, not all action, but cut-and-thrust interspersed with tactical manoeuvring and changes in tack. Somehow, though I didn’t feel as great a sense of threat as I would have liked. I didn’t feel that

 

Page 21

 

 - I felt that Linaeve sticking her tongue out was a bit incongruous given her state of mind.

 

Page 22

 

 - As I said above, the reveal of the dryad worked well, but I felt that Linaeve’s ‘discovery’ of fire as an option was too obvious, rather telegraphed by having her react so obviously to the torch immediately before the suggestion. You had already foreshadowed this by describing Isidor’s use of the torch to keep the husks at bay, I don’t think you need any more than that, you can go straight to the suggestion of fire as the ultimate sanction against the dryad.

 - This sentence - “You are going to destroy the ship?” Linaeve asked. The bosun nodded. “Yes, I will help him escape from here.” – bothered me a bit. I thought Alarin’s intention was obvious, especially since she has just asked him to do it, but she comes across rather slow. Her second line sounds awkward. “I will help him escape,” would be sufficient, I think.

 

Page 24

 

 - ‘crumpled’ I think, rather than ‘crumbled’ (ouch!)

 - I'm not keen on ‘fiddled with something’ – sounds a bit like he’s tying his shoelace. Set me to thinking of alternatives, not immediately obvious; ‘grappled with an unseen object’, ‘distracted by something unseen’, ‘wrestling as if trying to loosen something’ – not sure.

 

Page 25

 

 - There’s something very poignant about song as a weapon – Linaeve’s attempt to fight back

 

Page 28

 

 - Took her down sounds like a modern expression. It makes that piece of dialogue sound Hollywood-ised, when Linaeve has been speaking very properly up to that point.

 

Page 29

 

 - Repetition of the word ‘fire’ three times in two sentences.

 - It feels like there is a lurch in time between ‘Oil and powder – amazing’ and ‘The ship was gone when the sun set. I think you need a marker to convey that, otherwise it’s jarring.

 - Repetition of ‘Alarain’ close together.

 

Page 30

 

 - How can a bosun not have an eye for the stars? I don’t buy that.

 - The only reasonable ending – thank you for not copping out!!

[Asmodemon he/him]

Thanks guys, you've given me some good stuff. I'm giving the story one more polish and then I think I'll start submitting it around - see what bites.

[Robinski he/him]

bites, LOL!

[Asmodemon he/him]