Robinski - 180507 - TCC Chapter 0B - 4271 words (LVG)

[Robinski]

I have had some fantastic notes on trends running through many of the chapters submitted so far that I have to fix, but at this stage (Draft 1), I continue to try and press ahead and get to the end of the book, because the first task/challenge, always, is to finish.

I deeply appreciate all the comments that you guys have put in, and for bearing with me as some of things perhaps do not appeared to be fixed as we go forward, but please know that all are being recorded and will be addressed in the second draft. 

In that spirit, here is another chapter of TCC (the 11th, in case your hexadecimal isn't what is used to be), in which our various characters make varying degrees of progress towards Yellowknife.

Thank you in advance for anything that you see fit to comment upon.

Best, Robinski

[industrialistDragon]

Overall: This section left me feeling pretty "meh." It wasn't that bad, but I wasn't that interested, either. It's yet more highly-detailed travel without much purpose that I could see. 

 

This is more put together than the previous chapter (which, I agree wholeheartedly with @Mandamon -- it was really rough), but I'm wondering, again, who are the main characters of the larger narrative. Q&M have seemed flat for most of their chapters after the intro, while E and the rest of the b-cast (Mor excepted) have seemed to me to be much more rounded. Random thought: have you thought about reworking the stories to just be about the characters that seem to be the more interesting, instead of being about Q&M. There are a lot of novels out about investigators, but not nearly as many about the people who are the subjects of those investigations. It could be an interesting take on the genre. Don't get me wrong, I like Q&M, but they've lacked a certain ... vibrancy of late. The villian/b-plot's chapters have so far consistently had better, more interesting worldbuilding and more interesting character motivations.  

 

As I go: 

I like E better when she's taking action (and Mor isn't around), but something still isn't sitting quite right with me and her motivations. I can't quite put my finger on it though, sorry. 

"nineteen-hundred kilometres to Ykn.  " I was under the impression, with all the talk of "staying local" early in the story, that they were much, MUCH closer to YKn than that. I am even more perplexed as to why Q is agreeing to go on the lam for such a prolonged length of time. This really doesn't seem to be his style, with the number of fights, hostage-takings, and out-and-out violent criminality going on. It's not that I think Q's particularly reverential of the statutes of the land, but that I think he'd be more likely to run cons, grifts, or impersonation-hacks than all this smash-and-grab stuff, especially for the length of time implicated by over a thousand miles/nearly two thousand kilometers.   I think it might be partially the "this is happening too easily" that was remarked on in earlier sections, because it is, and I'm questioning what I know of Q's characterization that he can just come up with these completely effective, violent escapes on the fly. 

"The little bears gambled"  -- Gamboled?  Unless they're running a craps table...?

"(Tomorrow.)" -- This was a really strange format for a telephone call. I was very confused by it. 

I am also confused by this weird introspection by Mor. I thought he liked doing what he did? Or now he doesn't? Or he does but he wants to escape? But he doesn't want to escape, just get off earth? And not keep doing what he's been doing? But yes keep doing .... whatever it is he is doing besides maybe killing people, thinking odious things, and being cartoonishly unlikable? Why are we in his head at all? I don't know that I really need to know what's going on with him when he's "off screen" like this. He's not really a character I need to understand, and much as I dislike his flat villainy, if he's going to be that way, then it might be best to just go all out with it. Own it, play to type. This last section didn't really do anything for me except cause confusion to no purpose that I can see right now. 

[Mandamon]

I think I basically picked up all the same things @industrialistDragon did this time. This one was much smoother to read, but I was also left wanting a little. It's a filler chapter, which you have to have sometimes, but it also doesn't give us any real tie-ins to the story progression.

I'll agree that Q&M have been off this book (from my expectations). I tend to think of them more as quibbling, semi-bumbling, yet competent. They manage to solve the case mostly by skill, but with a little luck, too. This time, it's like they're playing GTA, and also happen to know about the larger plot happening around them. To this point, I actually enjoyed Q&M's banter this time around. I even enjoyed the story about the stolen church, although it's extraneous. However none of it really does anything for the plot.

Also agree that E's section was much better, yet still missing something. I think it's that tie-in to the larger plot. She's just cleaning up, right now.

14 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

I was under the impression, with all the talk of "staying local" early in the story, that they were much, MUCH closer to YKn

Yep. Me too.

14 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

I am also confused by this weird introspection by Mor.

Seconded. I think we need this a lot earlier, or not at all.

Also, I totally thought the bears were being chased by the MTs.

 

Notes while reading (I started doing it this way this time instead of LBLs, so...*shrug*)

pg 3: "or I will put every hunter I can find into the field; that’s plenty around this town, as you know"
--They're not already hunting down these things? I thought that would be the first step.

pg 3: "That discovery had led to a seven a.m. call in which she’d browbeaten the man she had laughingly thought of as her head of security"
--wait, so this isn't M?

pg 4: "You can find a picture of a mange…, an MT on the web"
--You can? Who have they been showing these things to?

pg 5: "Because I tell you to"
--"told you to"?

pg 6: "Maybe she should have done this hours ago"
--uuuhhhh...yes. Or right when they learned the MTs were loose? 

pg 7: "Morton should have come to her with the suggestion of releasing them."
--would this make E suspicious that M wasn't doing his job well enough?

pg 7: "K was livid, boiling mad in fact"
--now this is the police chief Q&M were with, right? WRS.

pg 8: "fancy-assed idiot"
--lol

pg 8: "He released the wheel again, leaving the truck to steer."
--so the truck doesn't mind if people mess with the algorithm trying to steer it? I'd think it would just resist any extraneous movement.

pg 8: "Part of him still doubted his decision not to put out a national alert on his fugitives"
--I question this, with all the damage Q&M have caused.

pg 8: “I'm trying to listen to my tinnitus.”
--lol.

pg 9: “you have much to learn about boxer shorts"
--lol

pg 10: "nineteen-hundred kilometres to Yellowknife"
--Didn't know it was this far...

pg 10: "applied the brakes forcefully before the car’s system engaged"
--wouldn't the car sense it first? Isn't that the point of a self-driving car?

pg 12: "If necessary, I will attack the bear to distract it.”
--now I need to see this.

pg 12/13: I thought the bear was going to be running from the MTs. Little bit of a letdown that it wasn't, and was just some random bear attack. Doesn't do as much for the plot.

pg 13: "“It was on my way,” the man grinned"
--Didn't the truck just happen to come around the curve of the road?

pg 13: "The Five-Star was crippled. The trucker offered them a ride back to Revelstoke, but Q declined graciously"
--Eh? I thought the car was totaled? Also, how are they going to get anywhere?

pg 13/14 the phone conversation is confusing. Hard to tell who's speaking.

pg 14: "He had gone AWOL from San Francisco and J had gone off the deep end"
--"He" is Q, or Mor? Isn't J Q's wife, or am I making that up?

A little confused at the last section. There's a lot of detail about Mor, suddenly, and I struggling to fit it all in place. I wonder if we could learn some of this earlier on, to help understand Mor's relation to Q, and why Mor is doing this?

[kais]

Overall

Bridge chapter? This one didn't seem to have a narrative arc at all. I enjoyed the Q&M parts, but had some issues with the others, as described below. I have a lot of the same thoughts as @industrialistDragon and @Mandamon so I won't belabor them. I'd love to see more Q&M doing cool Q&M investigation things, and a bit less of the C plot. The B plot I think is doing well.

 

As I go

- Eve's POV seems off. She's flowing here like a man is writing a female character, not like the actual character is writing herself. She doesn't seem consistent from one chapter to the next, and she was all weepy last time, wasn't she? She's coming in hot an 'butch' at the moment (in terms of attitude). Not that those two things are mutually exclusive, but I need more transition emotions, I think, to buy it

- page 3: perfume: As someone deeply entrenched in lesbian culture, Eve continues to send very mixed messages. Perfume? Are you gunning for the 'power femme' dynamic? If so, her language (internal as well) needs to change in the opening of this chapter. I think... would you be interested in homework? I have some quintessential lesbian films that could introduce you to character tropes, if you want to study. And of course you don't have to stick with the tropes, but they'd give you a firmer foundation to work off of

- page six: 'spooning' and 'friend' clash in this context. Yes, people cuddle without sexual attraction but in this case we know the two women are attracted to each other, so 'friend' really sounds like you're trying to avoid saying 'lover'

- page 9: LOL at the boxer shorts quip

- page fourteen: I'm still completely confused about the old man plotline. Also there are so many POVs in this chapter!

[Robinski]

Good grief!!! I haven't replied to your kind comments here. What the heck is going on?!?! That's a 6-month oversight! Wow, I'm really sorry about this, I have no excuse whatsoever. I have just reached this chapter in my edit, so I am all over these comments now and will post back replies shortly.

Edited November 19, 2018 by Robinski