Robinski - 180502 - TCC Chapter 0A - 3750 words (L)

[Robinski he/him]

Bit rushed. Sorry. I'm just not writing fit enough to keep up with the submission schedule and critiquing, but very reluctant to miss a week (slots permitting) and lose the thread.

Thank you for your patience, and apologies for my tardiness in replying to your kindly offered comments. Ay least this one's a bit shorter  

<R>

[Mandamon he/him]

I've sent LBLs...
This one is pretty rough. I'm still not sold on why Q and M are doubling down on the "life of crime" bit. This time, they're going for broke in assaulting paramedics and taking a hostage. When they do get caught (and I can't imagine they'd be safe anywhere nearby) they're going to have a bunch of charges. This will all get in the way of Q resolving the contract.
Also very confused by the ending. I got the mysterious caller part, but I have no idea what E is doing.

pg 5: the part about being a pilot is a bit out of the blue, but I'm willing to give Q the benefit of the doubt.

Pg 6: If they got rid of the radio, how did they contact the town?

Pg 10: They're taking a paramedic hostage?

Pg 12: Do we know this about M's parents?

Pg 13: Pretty confused with the call at the end. I'm not sure what E's creepy staring is doing. Is he translating the call somehow?

[kais]

I feel you on the behind thing. Ugh.

Overall

I don't have much to comment on this time around. It's mostly action, and the pacing is just fine. I think it all comes off a little too easily, but in fairness it is rural Canada, and people are pretty easy going. 

I don't understand how the call comes through at all. Did someone hack eighty? Also, like @Mandamon, the life of crime bit seems a little implausible. I think I need more desperation from them before being okay with just randomly punching people.

But generally, I liked this!

 

As I go

- page six: road hot pokers? red hot pokers?

- page six: missed change to make a quip about gentlemen, I think, after the hangnail comment (which I loved)

- rolling along at a good clip here, and the only thing that comes to mind is that it all seems...really easy. 

 

[Robinski he/him]

Indebted to you, @Mandamon, for the LBLs. Some key points from those:

- I changed the line about the punch a bit. Also, the paramedic was not kidnapped, but I can see how it looked that way.

- Tried to show not tell the bit about E breaking into the car.

- Ha... , the 'constantly on the move' repeated line in both narrative and dialogue is supposed to be a joke. It's a technique I've seen used elsewhere. The idea, I think, is that it's unexpected, because you've just read it in narrative. I guess I can mark you down as one in the 'Fail' column   

- M's parents: it's from the first book. Long time ago. It is mentioned in TCC that she's an orphan, but maybe I need to trail that again near the beginning of this book.

- I've sought to clarify what E is doing in testing source of the incoming call. Similarly, the line about whistle-blowing was Q's. Not clear. Thanks.

- I'm going to have to re-read. Did they contact the town? I don't remember that bit!!

- I've tried to clarify the call a bit. It's supposed to add a further note of mystery, but I'll need to work on it.

Thanks for the super-useful comments. Really appreciated.

<R>

[Robinski he/him]

Hey Kais, thank you so much for reading.

On 04/05/2018 at 4:13 AM, kais said:

I don't have much to comment on this time around. It's mostly action, and the pacing is just fine. - Huzzah! I think it all comes off a little too easily, but in fairness it is rural Canada, and people are pretty easy going. - Oh, ya. But I was thinking of upping the stakes with the paramedics and making one of them (the female) and android. I thought Q vs Android Lady might be quite amusing.

I don't understand how the call comes through at all. Did someone hack eighty? - This might be a better option. I've done that later on too. Also, like @Mandamon, the life of crime bit seems a little implausible. I think I need more desperation from them before being okay with just randomly punching people.- I'm going to 'fix' the punch thing, but take you point.

But generally, I liked this!- Phew, that's reassuring.

- page six: road hot pokers? red hot pokers?- Yup.

- page six: missed chance to make a quip about gentlemen, I think, after the hangnail comment (which I loved) - Tweaked.

- rolling along at a good clip here, and the only thing that comes to mind is that it all seems...really easy. - Right. I accept there is no trying and failing going on. I was hoping to get them to Yellowknife and not slow them down on the road any more than I could avoid. I'll need to think on that.

Excellent comments, thank you so much, very helpful (and thought provoking).

Edited May 6, 2018 by Robinski