Mandamon Posted April 16, 2018 Report Share Posted April 16, 2018 Hello folks, Here's part 3: This cuts off in the middle of a section, but I chose to cut there so the next submission wouldn't be overly long. Previously, the group rode in the balloon until their fuel ran out, and then anchored the beetle to the wall. Now they get to start the real climb... Still mainly concerned with character voice and whether you think this will engage younger readers. Let me know anything that comes to mind! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truthweaver Posted April 17, 2018 Report Share Posted April 17, 2018 Overall: I enjoyed this section, although the climbing seemed to last a little long. Things really picked up after the beetle stalled, however, and it felt like the story returned to its main plot. I would recommend maybe condensing some of the climb to get to the conflict of the stalled drill more quickly. As interesting as climbing a strange wall is, the attention span of young readers can be pretty short. pg 2 "It was beautiful, but also terrifying. I'm glad I'm not afraid of heights." If she's not afraid of heights, would she describe it as terrifying? pg 3 "...scattering wisps of water vapor like a pen through a wad of cotton." Very nice imagery, simple but effective. The whole paragraph of description here was great. pg 10 "We found the crystal beetle drill stalled the next morning." I didn't realize how interested I was in seeing them reach the top of the wall until the beetle stalled. Now my interest is peaked and there's some conflict to keep me reading. I don't have anything to offer on the actual mechanics of climbing the wall itself, as I've never done climbing before. Nothing jumped out at me as being super impossible, however, but then again I've always been able to thoroughly suspend my sense of disbelief when it comes to these types of stories. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted April 17, 2018 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2018 1 hour ago, Truthweaver said: If she's not afraid of heights, would she describe it as terrifying? Yeah--still not sure about this line. I wanted to show that the whole thing is intimidating, but she's up for it. 1 hour ago, Truthweaver said: I didn't realize how interested I was in seeing them reach the top of the wall until the beetle stalled. Now my interest is peaked and there's some conflict to keep me reading. 1 hour ago, Truthweaver said: I enjoyed this section, although the climbing seemed to last a little long. Awesome. This is what I was hoping for. I can focus on trimming down the previous section, to get to this point quicker. 1 hour ago, Truthweaver said: I don't have anything to offer on the actual mechanics of climbing the wall itself, as I've never done climbing before. Nothing jumped out at me as being super impossible We'll see how much Robinski disagrees... ;-) I've done some rock climbing myself and did a fair bit of research on cliff climbing, so we'll see if it hold up to everyone else reading... Thanks @Truthweaver! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted April 21, 2018 Report Share Posted April 21, 2018 Overall This chapter failed to really grab me. It had good points of tension in it, but I think it was bogged down by the 'wonder' aspect, that will likely only appeal to readers of the series. I think you could probably cut about half of this submission out and you'd have a pretty tight chapter. On 4/17/2018 at 6:03 AM, Truthweaver said: I would recommend maybe condensing some of the climb to get to the conflict of the stalled drill more quickly. As interesting as climbing a strange wall is, the attention span of young readers can be pretty short. Yes. Although the attention span of adult readers can be just as short! LOL As I go - page four: so I appreciate the wonder, but we seem to be gliding only on that. There's tension missing. - maybe the chapter would be better served starting at the section break on page five? - page seven: I'd like a bit more time in our protag's head about how she things she's completely messed up by dropping the anchors. It's a good chance to build her age and inexperience, and it gets sort of skimmed over - page 10: the bit about making her stronger is fun! - page twelve: I like the poacher part. Adds some good tension - page 13: jellyfish in the underwear? So she's...squirming and screaming from being stung? I'm a bit lost here - page fifteen: anyone my age would have been able to hear it already. Does this need changed? Sam was, what, 19, when he heard it for the first time? And this girl is 12, we decided? - page 16: lol at the 'definitely a boy' comment. Very age appropriate 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted April 21, 2018 Author Report Share Posted April 21, 2018 Thanks @kais, and just in time! I was doing some edits this afternoon. 5 hours ago, kais said: Overall This chapter failed to really grab me. It had good points of tension in it, but I think it was bogged down by the 'wonder' aspect, that will likely only appeal to readers of the series. I think you could probably cut about half of this submission out and you'd have a pretty tight chapter. On 4/17/2018 at 9:03 AM, Truthweaver said: I would recommend maybe condensing some of the climb to get to the conflict of the stalled drill more quickly. As interesting as climbing a strange wall is, the attention span of young readers can be pretty short. I've removed more than a page out of the first five, so hopefully that speeds it up a bit. I wanted to get the specifics of climbing settled, so I could focus on the rest of the story 5 hours ago, kais said: page seven: I'd like a bit more time in our protag's head about how she things she's completely messed up by dropping the anchors. It's a good chance to build her age and inexperience, and it gets sort of skimmed over Good catch. I added some in. 5 hours ago, kais said: page 13: jellyfish in the underwear? So she's...squirming and screaming from being stung? I'm a bit lost here - page fifteen: anyone my age would have been able to hear it already. Does this need changed? Sam was, what, 19, when he heard it for the first time? And this girl is 12, we decided? Changed and deleted, respectively! Thanks! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted April 23, 2018 Report Share Posted April 23, 2018 Here I am, tail end Charlie, as usual. LBLs emailed; here are the headlines: Does the beetle use its own holes? So (and I'm thinking about that super cover picture you published), the drills must be able to turn at 90 degrees of its axis of travel, assuming that the beetle is 'walking' up the wall, which it must be, surely. "using the net as a counterbalance to rappel down" - Hang on. Surely gravity is all that is required for her to rappel down, and the counterbalance would be used in some way to pull her back up again? The counterbalance on the way down seems pointless. "W was obviously the one in front" - So wait; are they riding the beetle, not hanging underneath and climbing? That's what I understand from the description, and that surely will make them ten times faster. Surprised they haven't overtaken already. [Answered later] You clarify that the other drill is broken, but that didn't really register with me the first time I think the bit about W catching up needs more punch, more threat. If they are in sight, they cannot be that far away. Making out individual human shapes; maybe 500 yds? No more than 700, surely. I enjoyed this section. Good tension, stakes, etc. Good action in general. Some details in the LBLs, including a couple of points where I thought the impact could have been greater, but not real complaints. Looking forward to next week!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted April 23, 2018 Author Report Share Posted April 23, 2018 Thanks @Robinski! 8 hours ago, Robinski said: the drills must be able to turn at 90 degrees of its axis of travel Yes, basically the head can tilt forward 90 degrees and and drill. I'll see if I can make this clearer. 8 hours ago, Robinski said: Surely gravity is all that is required for her to rappel down I'll clear this up. Basically that she's controlling her rappel with the weight, at the same time as she's lifting the food up the wall to keep up with the climb 8 hours ago, Robinski said: You clarify that the other drill is broken, but that didn't really register with me the first time I'll move this up. 8 hours ago, Robinski said: I think the bit about W catching up needs more punch Can do! Glad this section went better. I've already cut it down a bit to up the tension, and your comments as always will be very helpful! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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