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20171002 - Rey's first jobV3 - 6056 words - Mandamon


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Hello all,
Here is the third attempt at my short story. It got longer again, but the big changes are mainly at the beginning and the end (plus @Robinski's helpful pedantry corrections throughout....) so if it's too long, feel free to skim through the middle.

And any other comments, of course. Deconstruct away!

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- at least until he discovered how to get his second father or his mother to set him lighter chores instead. - I'm not sure this bit really adds anything to the story.  I'd maybe get rid of it to lighten the paragraph.

- "...if the phrase will be pardoned.” - typo

- how brilliant their aspect of the Grand Symphony was. - I don't understand the context of aspect in this sentence. It sounds like you're saying their understanding of the Grand Symphony, almost. Are you saying they have a feature of the Grand Symphony? It's just not landing for me.

- "...transfer it elseways,” - elsewhere?

- "“It’s the Systems. I don’t yet ken ‘em. We canna..." You start this dialog off with a really strong dialect, but end it with a really clear dialect. It almost reads as if it's from two different characters. Also, the section of strong dialect is difficult to read, imo. I'd dial it back maybe or just make it a bit more clear.
- "...merely from nostalgia..." - I could be wrong, but I think this should be 'for' nostalgia because he's doing it in order to reminisce. If he's doing it because he did it in the past, then maybe 'from habit' instead, but it sounds like he decided to intentionally save the task because he wanted to enjoy the nostalgia from doing it previously, ergo he's doing it for, not from.

- “Yes. We have a rodent problem.” lol, I enjoyed this line.

- “The cellar, it is down here,” I noticed this before, but I thought it worth a mention. I really appreciate how you've made the Majus' speech patterns instantly recognizable. Well done!

- “I didnae know..." - Just pointing out another instance where the dialect is really difficult to understand. As the reader, I'm not sure how this word should roll off the tongue. I just opt to read it as "dinnit" or straight, "didn't".
- R sighed and entered the dim staircase. - I like that the stakes are more concrete. I didn't get a chance to read through your second revision, but this is definitely an improvement on the first submission.

- He’d never yet caught - this phrasing seems odd to me. I just think it rolls off the tongue a little funky. I don't think anything is wrong with it per say, but I don't particularly enjoy the wording.

- If he lugged the crate up - typo

- The try-fail cycle you're establishing here in the cellar is much improved. I'm really enjoying the sequence.

Overall, I really enjoyed it. Well done :)

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Yay no more downer ending! :D


Just kind of bouncing all over here.... 


I like the integration of the mentor's previous attempts much better now.  It fits a lot more. I still feel like maybe the wrap-up runs a bit long, but I don't mind it as much, and it ends on a better emotional note. 


 Agree with @TKWade that that section is now a sticking point for the introductory paragraph. But I would say that everything starting with "His first father" and going to the end of the first paragraph is... off kilter somehow? I don't know that it all needs to be cut, but I feel like some of the thoughts as presented there are maybe out of order now? The phrase TKWade pointed out is awkward anyway all on its own, so it's not helping things much. 


I am still somewhat confused by how the House of Potential works in relation to the other houses. You have whathisname Mr. math-and-grants describing it in detail now, but I still feel like what he says is being contradicted by what R thinks to himself while dealing with the machine. I've got a pretty clear idea of what R's doing in actuality; it's the larger, in-general descriptions and the comparisons to the other houses that're tripping me up. 

"the glow from an overheard light" overHEAD? Though, I mean, given it's a magical Symphony-powered light, it COULD be "overheard" too... :3

Also, hah! Snake guy signed his name to the wall he made! :lol: Like it was some kind of an assignment, I love it. 




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Sorry for the delay on this! Last week was all kinds of hectic, but you are not forgotten!


This was perfect! Pacing is good, tension is good, ending is satisfying. I really have no complaints anymore. Well done!

As I go

- love the mention of nostalgia on page 3

- also love the ending on page three. Solid work there

- random thought on page six: I want a short where Sam finds one of the Nether computers, and its an old Apple IIe or something, and he's like, hey everyone, let me show you how to use Paint and play Space Whiskey

- I still have no idea how the crate falling down stairs works with the Symphony and note generation. This is my lack of physics talking, probably

- page thirteen and the flow is good. Loving it.

- I love the little (big) creature

- end of page 18: solid. Good mystery here!

- ending: yes. All the yes

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Awesome! Glad it's passed the @kais approval test--that makes me feel better about sending it out to 70+ people for the kickstarter...

Yeah, I can definitely see writing some more shorts like this, to fill in space between the novels and novellas. Sam encountering a computer would be...interesting.

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  • 1 month later...

Sorry I didn't comment on the 'last' version. I felt I was just saturated by that point, but I'm looking forward to reading the finished article at my leisure once the dust has settled some more, and I've caught up with my critiques!! Great commitment to getting the story over the line though :) 

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