Robinski - 170424 - TMM, Chapter 21 to 23 - 5175 words (LS)

[Robinski]

Hello Everyone,

Thank you for considering and I hope you have the time and inclination to read this latest submission. 'Previously on TMM...' is noted below, there are three chapters here, each relatively short, but slightly over the total - sorry about that. 'L' for the usual reasons, 'S' for one use of a sexually derogatory word that goes beyond 'L'.

If anyone is interested, this submission takes us to Page 201 out of 294, so beyond the 2/3rds mark, and there are 'only' four more submissions to go after this one - if you're willing to stick with it. My gratitude again to all those who continue reading, and to those who have input up to this point.

Best, Robinski

 

Edited December 29, 2017 by Robinski

[Eagle of the Forest Path]

Another great sequence here.

Chapter 21 ended very abruptly. This is probably due to WRS, but it took me a while to realize they just (re)introduced the dead guy, so the cliffhanger kind of fell flat at first.
Great tension in Chapter 22 with 218's charging countdown. I like that C. is starting to bug.
What is Q. supposed to provide deniability for, exactly? I'm having trouble understanding the reasoning behind this.
The voicemail in Chapter 23 is hilarious.

p181 "the compliment of staff...": complement

p182 "He found his attention wondered more...": wandered.

p185 "Quirk let Popescu drive, ...": I think this needs to be a bit more specific. I assume Q. didn't get a choice in who'd be driving.

p186 "a threat, a weakness, an opportunity or an arsehole." lol 

p190 "It they would finish..." uhm, what?

p194 "but the psychological deterioration was, marked.” Woah, there's a twist!   Starting to feel a bit sorry for C. now. Also, the comma used exclusively to indicate a pause is bothering me a bit. 

p194 "...after the terrible extent..." somewhat over-dramatic, no?

p196 "Mills Jnr", did they change the abbreviation for junior?

p197 "I’ve got this list of _?_ from observations of Androcon’s security footage." missing a noun in there, I think. And, depending on the noun, you can probably safely get rid of "observations of".

 

[Robinski]

3 hours ago, Eagle of the Forest Path said:

I like that C. is starting to bug. - Excellent.

What is Q. supposed to provide deniability for, exactly? - It's unclear whether it's just Paulson winding him up, but the statement is intended to show that And / Geo will throw Q under the wheels of justice without a second thought.

The voicemail in Chapter 23 is hilarious. - I'm glad; it was so much fun to write.

Thanks for the typos; two of my personal favourites.

p185 "Quirk let Popescu drive, ...": I assume Q. didn't get a choice in who'd be driving. - Edited

p190 "It they would finish..." uhm, what? - It would finish him (typo, thanks) - in terms of the authorities catching him in the end. I've added some clarification.

p194 "but the psychological deterioration was, marked.” Woah, there's a twist!   Starting to feel a bit sorry for C. now. Also, the comma used exclusively to indicate a pause is bothering me a bit. - awesome. There seems to be a range of reaction to C that is really interesting. Also, I have deployed an ellipsis.

p194 "...after the terrible extent..." somewhat over-dramatic, no? - Yeah, I just removed 'terrible'. Good call.

p196 "Mills Jnr", did they change the abbreviation for junior? - I think both are correct in English, but American suggest only Jr. Jr. it is then.

p197 "I’ve got this list of _?_ from observations of Androcon’s security footage." missing a noun in there, I think. And, depending on the noun, you can probably safely get rid of "observations of". - Yeah, I've tidied that up, thanks.

Really appreciate your comments, thanks Eagle. Some good fixes there, and I'm really glad some of those lines landed for you  

Thank you!

[Mandamon]

Agree with @Eagle of the Forest Path that Ch 21 is an abrupt cutoff. You could probably move some of the next chapter over to clear up that M is supposed to be the dead man.

I got very confused again in the second part with what Q was supposed to be doing, if the company already knew everything. Seems like a too-elaborate setup. Glad we also get some explanation for why C is getting worse.

I'll second the phone messages were great. Need more M!

Notes while reading:

pg 181: "But, while C was concerned about someone noticing its behaviour, he certainly had not been hiding, he had been doing what he did best, digging."
--Awkward sentence, also the part about not hiding seems to contradict that he was nervous about someone noticing the android.

pg 182: "And the man in the Russian sector"
--Eh? Who's this?

pg 183: "No more, no more, no more. I hereby dedicate myself to bringing your kingdom down"
--I don't feel like C has a definite objective from what we've seen so far. Now he seems very on task, which is good, but would have liked to see this sort of thing a lot sooner.

pg 184: “You are not modern man, are you Mr. Quirk?"
--I'm...not sure what this means.

pg 187: "He was tall, red-haired and the closest thing to an android that Q had ever seen in human form"
--lol

pg 187: The chapter cuts off pretty abruptly. I was expecting more to the meeting.
Oh, wait...wasn't Dr. M the one C murdered? That would be a snappier ending, save WRS. Does Q know he was the one murdered?

pg 188: "taking a few moments to bed into"
--Settle into? do you mean to "get comfortable in the new android body?"

pg 189: This syRenTM was destined for the Reception Dome and from there to the Transport Hub, it was returning to Earth as it was defective and subject to a factory recall."
--Should be two sentences.

pg 190: "He felt himself slipping, slipping, slipping, and then he was whole again"
--I didn't feel much tension here, mainly because I had no idea changing androids was slow and/or a danger. I don't have much (any) sympathy for C, so that reduces how much I care if he gets injured.

pg 190: "a fat, aging miner of limited wealth"
--I think this is first time we've had any description of C physically.

pg 190: I was actually thinking the accident would lead C to control two androids. A little disappointing he didn't.
Also, what happened with the time disjoint? Seems like there should be more explanation, though maybe we get to it later?

pg 191: "Except it wasn’t Dr. M, because Q had seen M’s personnel file"
--ok, so he does have a surprised revelation. Might be better to have some of this before the chapter break. I don't think the end of the last section had enough impact.
also, what makes Q think this person isn't organized?

pg 191: "“Hi, Pop,” drawled Paulson,"
--This is a weird intro. We've had enough names go by that I've already forgotten who Paulson is.
"brutal ursine eyes"
--Ah, bear-face guy.

pg 192:  "But why not meet Mills somewhere? Why not use droid messenger?”"
--Wait, what are we talking about here? Where did the drug plotline come from vs. the murder investigation? Starting to lose the thread of the story.

pg 192: "the numbers were not those that he and Eight had seen in Moth’s image of the desk."
--er, completely confused by the point. May be WRS, but I have no idea what's going on.

pg 193: “You’re welcome,” said Davvid Paulson coldly to Quirk"
--still confused. Q is looking for C. How are they throwing the police off the scent?

pg 194: "fake list"
--what were the codes for? Why is there a fake list? Very confused. I think WRS may be worse than usual.

pg 194: “Reconfirm your NDA first, Mr. Q"
--Why would you need to reconfirm a contract? You sign it once and it's available as evidence if you breach it.

pg 195: "“And who’s this guy?” he waved a hand towards pseudo-Mills."
--oh, I assumed he was an android of some sort, or they had saved M's consciousness.

pg 195: "more than a couple of dozen sub-200s "
--Which I assume is why C blipped in that other android?

pg 195: "“Plausible deniability,” said Paulson."
--really? Sort of a letdown.

pg 196: “A patsy? You’re kidding me.” 
--Soooo...they're going to pin a murder on Q? or a drug ring? Seems unnecessarily complex.

pg 197: need more dialogue tags on this page. I'm not sure who's talking.

pg 198: Sooo...the police are letting Q wander around, investigating AndroCon's case, even though they just told him it was a setup? If I was Q, I'd be getting the heck off of Luna right now.

pg 200: Not sure what the last section adds.

[Robinski]

Hey Mandamon, thanks for reading, much appreciated.

6 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Agree that Ch 21 is an abrupt cutoff - I have added something more.

6 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Awkward sentence, also the part about not hiding seems to contradict - Accepted. I have reworded, including 'not hiding anymore'.

6 hours ago, Mandamon said:

"And the man in the Russian sector" --Eh? Who's this? - C's prisoner; the guy he killed. Clarified, I think.

6 hours ago, Mandamon said:

would have liked to see this sort of thing a lot sooner - Good point. Various people not convinced of C. I'll do something about his motivation in Edit 2.

6 hours ago, Mandamon said:

You are not modern man, are you Mr. Quirk?" --I'm...not sure what this means. - As in a 'new man'. It was a thing in the 90s. A man sensitive to a woman's feelings, able to cry and share emotions, to help pick out fabric patterns, etc. I'll just go ahead and say 'new'.

9 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Does Q know he was the one murdered? - he does. As noted above, I've attempted to bolster the ending of the chapter.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Should be two sentences. - Fixed, thanks.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 190: I was actually thinking the accident would lead C to control two androids. A little disappointing he didn't. Also, what happened with the time disjoint? Seems like there should be more explanation, though maybe we get to it later? - Ooh, two androids. I'll need to think about that. Err, the timelines come together to run in 'real time'. I guess I could remark on it more, but neither side is super aware of the others progress. I'll think about that.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

what makes Q think this person isn't organized? - Q does think "Dr. John Mills was an organised chap, who wrote captions on the back of all his photographs."

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Where did the drug plotline come from vs. the murder investigation? Starting to lose the thread of the story. - When Q was being interrogated, he made up the drug plotline to try and get the police involved to bring their resources to bear on finding the droid, without revealing about Mills' murder. Perhaps more clarification required. Maybe it's a bit much to put down to WRS. Wrt the later note, Q is not trying to throw the police off, but to get them to use their droid tracking facility to find Callan without the UNP knowing the real reason why.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

completely confused by the point. May be WRS, but I have no idea what's going on. - I agree that the serial number thing is less than clear. I will need to work to clarify that.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Why would you need to reconfirm a contract? - Good call. I'll change this.

20 hours ago, Mandamon said:

or they had saved M's consciousness - hmm...

20 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Which I assume is why C blipped in that other android? - you may well assume correctly.

20 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Soooo...they're going to pin a murder on Q? or a drug ring? Seems unnecessarily complex. - I'm hoping the next edit will tidy some of these strands up, but for the most part the intention is to convey that Q is in a fair amount of lunar doo-doo.

20 hours ago, Mandamon said:

need more dialogue tags on this page - done

20 hours ago, Mandamon said:

If I was Q, I'd be getting the heck off of Luna right now. - I've included some of Q's thoughts here to help with the train of movement.

20 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Not sure what the last section adds. - The Cal section at the end? It was supposed to be a dramatic moment introducing the concept of getting outside the dome. That last line was supposed to land the end of the chapter. To be outside on the lunar surface, to set foot on the Moon. I've tweaked and added to try and call out something of a sense of wonder at the thought of doing that, standing on the Moon.

Thank you so much, Mandamon. As usual that was a testing workout, with some great comments. I still have work to do on those comment, but there some improvements there already. Much appreciated.

<R>

[rdpulfer]

- "There they were" seems a bit cliche.

- Like Callan wasn't dedicated to bringing this kingdom down before?

- I do like the intrigue with Quirk and crew.

- I like the employee/consultant line.

- 

[Robinski]

Hey, thanks for reading RD - much appreciated. I'll mull on those points